Wintergirls

Lia sits across from Elijah at a nearby diner. Elijah pushes a mug of hot chocolate toward Lia. Lia thinks, “I don’t remember who ordered it. I don’t remember walking here” (90). Elijah asks Lia how she is doing, referring to her as Emma, the fake name she gave him at the motel. Lia tells Elijah Cassie isn’t in her coffin. Elijah tells Lia to take a sip of her hot chocolate and to breathe. In the diner, Lia breathes in, but smells the food in the diner. Lia closes her eyes, breathes, opens them, and observes, “I can see the crescent moon and stars painted on the wall under the clock. The girl sitting next to it is not Cassie. Neither is the waiter refilling her mug. I turn in my seat to look around. Nobody here is Cassie. I’m safe” (92). Lia notices Elijah is eating from a dirty plate stolen from a nearby table waiting to be bussed. Lia tells Elijah that’s disgusting and asks if he’s always weird. Elijah shows Lia the tattoo on his arm of a part-bull, part-man motorcycle rider appearing through flames. Elijah explains that his tattoo is of the god of bike messengers, who he saw in a vision.

A waiter comes by and asks Lia if she ordered the dirty plate of food on the table. Elijah explains that their friend, who left just a few minutes before, gave the plate to Lia. After the waiter leaves, Elijah asks Lia about Cassie. Lia thinks about all the things she knew about Cassie and how close they were.

The waiter drops off the check. Elijah places a handful of change on the table and says he will pay for the check as long as Lia finishes her hot chocolate. Lia thinks, “I’ll let the skin form on top of hot chocolate and be so grossed out by it, I can’t drink any more. He can’t expect me to drink skin” (96). Lia asks Elijah if he is still hungry. Elijah says he is, but he doesn’t have enough money for more food. Lia takes out her debit card and orders french fries.

As Lia arrives home, she thinks, “I am almost a real girl […] I went to a diner. I drank hot chocolate and ate french fries. Talked to a guy for a while. Laughed a couple of times” (97). But as Lia walks upstairs to her bedroom, she can’t help thinking about the voicemails Cassie left on her phone the night of her death. Lia opens her bedroom closet and sees Cassie inside. Lia slams the closet door.

Lia remembers how two years ago Cassie almost went to a doctor to treat her own eating disorder. Cassie often made herself throw up after eating. Lia remembers how she began struggling in her extracurricular activities due to her bulimia. Lia supported Cassie’s attempts at getting help by looking up the names of doctors, clinics, and recovery websites. However, Lia also “sabotaged every step” (98). Lia would talk to Cassie about her own calorie counts, make sure Cassie noticed her own small figure, and tell Cassie “how strong she was and how healthy she was going to be” (98).

Lia sits in the family room reading until past midnight because she is afraid if she goes back to her bedroom, she will see Cassie again. Lia’s father comes downstairs and takes leftover pumpkin pie from the fridge. Lia’s father asks Lia why she is up so late. Lia holds up her book and says she wants to know how it ends. Lia’s father says he is struggling with finding the right research for the book he is working on. Lia’s father offers Lia the rest of the pie. Lia refuses. Lia’s father says he doesn’t want Lia to be “slipping back into your old habits. The bad ones” (101). Lia says she is tired and goes to her bedroom. As she is falling asleep, she sees Cassie again at the foot of her bed.

Lia wakes up early. As she is leaving her bedroom, she experiences a series of intrusive thoughts, calling herself stupid and ugly. Lia remembers that the doctors at the clinic gave her a series of steps to help with “negative self-talk” (103) which include identifying the feeling, reciting affirmations and positive talks, eating a healthy amount and drinking water, and to call her therapist of the thoughts continue. Instead, Lia mentally makes new rules for herself, which include a low daily calorie count, skipping meals, and exercising regularly.

At school, the students attend a college fair. Lia knows she is expected to attend the college where her father works as a professor. Looking at the brochures, Lia thinks there’s no point because she’s expected to go to her father’s college and do what her parents want for her future.

At lunch, the stage crew from the school play invites Lia to eat lunch with them. Lia agrees. As they sit together, Lia imagines the cafeteria as “a fish bowl crowded with minnows, guppies, tetras, mollies, and angelfish. Sharks circle their prey” (105). The stage crew talks about the wake. Lia imagines as “Cassie swims through the double doors, shoeless, the blue dress rippling against her body” (106). One of the members of the stage crew asks Lia if she is going to Cassie’s funeral. Lia says her parents don’t want her to go. The stage crew member insists that they all must go to show their support for Cassie, but says Lia didn’t support Cassie. The stage crew member adds, “I know how you messed her up. A real friend would never do that” (108). Lia responds that she was Cassie’s friend a lot longer than them, stands, and begins screaming. A security guard comes over to intervene.

Lia stays after school for detention due to her outburst in the cafeteria. At home, after school, Lia’s father is at the library, and Lia’s stepmother, Jennifer, leaves to buy dinner at the grocery store. While Lia and Emma are home alone, a police officer visits. The police officer says they noticed several calls from Cassie to Lia’s phone the night of Cassie’s death. Lia says she lost her phone almost a week ago; she didn’t know Cassie tried to call her. Lia tells the police officer she and Cassie weren’t friends anymore and hadn’t talked in a while, so Lia doesn’t know why Cassie would call her. The police officer leaves. Jennifer and Lia’s father return home. Lia’s father has a lot of questions about the police visit and calls the police officer to confirm because, Lia thinks, he doesn’t believe her. Finally, after dinner, everyone goes to bed.

In her bedroom, Lia takes her phone out of the spot where she’s hidden it. Lia looks up a blog for girls with eating disorders online. In the various blog posts, the girls brag about their low caloric intake and encourage each other’s eating disorders.

Lia sneaks downstairs, placing a pair of boots on the stairs so she will hear her father if he comes downstairs and trips over the boots. Lia spends a couple hours on the stair-stepper exercise machine.

At school on Friday, Lia is called out of class because her parents want her to attend an emergency appointment with her therapist, Dr. Nancy Parker. At the therapist’s office, the therapist asks if Cassie’s death is affecting Lia. Lia refuses to answer, remaining silent. Lia remembers when she began coming to Dr. Parker after she was first released from the recovery clinic. At first, Lia spoke to Dr. Parker a lot, but eventually, Lia felt as though “she was moving things around in my brain without permission” (114). Lia felt that she couldn’t have a simple thought without “getting slammed by three or four shrink-supplied answers” (115). Lia got angry and began insulting Dr. Parker, but nothing offended or upset the doctor. Ever since then, Lia is careful not to say too much. 40 minutes into their appointment, Dr. N. Parker points out that Lia didn’t have to come to the appointment—the doctor doesn’t report back to Lia’s parents unless Lia gives her permission, so Lia could have used the excuse to simply skip school. Dr. Parker claims Lia chose to come. Lia finally agrees to speak a little bit.

At the end of their appointment, Lia asks Dr. Parker if she can go to Cassie’s funeral. Lia says she feels the funeral will give her closure. Dr. Parker agrees that Lia can attend the funeral if one of her parents goes with her. On her way home, Lia destroys her phone by driving over it with her car and dropping the broken pieces into a dumpster.

Lia returns to the motel with a pizza and knocks on room 115, where Elijah lives. When Elijah opens the door, Lia offers him the pizza. Lia says the pizza is a thank you to Elijah for helping her the other night at the wake. Elijah invites Lia inside. In the room, Lia notices Elijah’s extensive collection of books and notebooks containing drawings and notes. Elijah begins eating the pizza and offers some to Lia, but she declines. Elijah asks Lia to play poker with him, but Lia says she doesn’t know how to play. Lia starts to leave, but before she leaves, she admits that she actually came to ask Elijah a favor. Lia asks Elijah if he will go to Cassie’s funeral with her. Elijah responds, “Funerals bring out the worst in people. They have a very dark vibe. […] Nope, I can’t do it” (123). Lia suggests they play a game of cards; if she wins, Elijah will go to the funeral with her, and if she loses, she will give Elijah fifty dollars. Elijah agrees. Lia insists on playing Hearts.