True Notebooks: A Writer's Year at Juvenile Hall

“Duane showed up on time and crossed the parking lot with a knapsack slung over his shoulder. As we shook hands the alarm went off over the metal doors again. The concrete monster opened its mouth and spat the police cruiser out. The boy was gone; he, I presumed, needed to be digested for a while before being shit into the adult prison or puked back out onto the streets.”

The author's impression is of the prison as a "concrete monster," in which the boys are treated first as food, and eventually waste. In this description, the author wishes to illustrate the disregard with which their lives and potential represent to the penal system.

“‘Look at this place—it's awful! It's falling apart, it's depressing, it's unsafe. What message does that send to these kids? That they are garbage, that's what. It tells them that society simply wants to dispose of them. It's obscene, it's unconscionable that we aren't willing to do better than this! We have given up hope of rehabilitation. That says more about us than it does about these children.’”

This quotation, from Sister Janet, succinctly expresses the frustration with how the penal system treats juvenile offenders. Sister Janet argues that the poor facilities fall well short of the stated goals of rehabilitation. Instead, the juveniles internalize the idea that they (and their efforts) are without value.

“She looked each boy in the eye again, her own eyes brimming with tears, then left the unit. The room stayed quiet even after she'd left; no one wanted to break the spell that had been cast over our little gathering. When the boom box started up again, something caught Kevin's attention and he said, ‘I think our time is up.’ I looked toward the staff room, where Mr. Sills was pointing at the clock again. This time he made a slicing motion across his throat with the other hand. The boys stood up and handed me their paper and pencils.”

This passage describes the end of one of the writing sessions, and the resumption of standard life at Central Juvenile Hall. Salzman emphasizes how much of an interruption these sessions are; the "spell" that that is described illustrates their desire to remain in these privileged surroundings, where they can express themselves.

“Jimmy tilted his chair back, stopping just at the point of balance. ‘The problem is, it's hard to get out. It's like this: If you turn your back on the gang, who do you got left? By the time you're locked up, how many people you think still care about you? Your family, maybe, and that's it. And they can't do the time with you. If you leave the gang, you're a buster, and everybody hates you.’”

In this quote, Jimmy relates how gang life represents a remedy to problems of isolation and alienation found in prison. Whereas the popular image of gang life is one of notoriety and glamour, Jimmy's perspective presents a more practical outlook, based on physical and psychological needs.

“Nathaniel tossed his head back with silent laughter. ‘Go ahead, get it out of your system now. Because before this hour is through you'll be dazzled by my articulations, stung by my insinuations, envious of my rhymes, and forgettin' your hard times. Ask me to write straight, I'll write twisted. You think you got my number? It ain't listed. I'm an original mind, a face unlined, a close encounter of the criminal kind.’ He wrote his name at the top of his notepad, then asked me what the topic was for today.”

This passage is significant, as it illustrates the students' self-consciousness of their position in the eyes of the teacher, and society. The students understand that as criminals and offenders, little is expected of them in the way of personality. Nathaniel relishes the opportunity to be able to prove these expectations wrong. In describing this class as a "close encounter of the criminal kind," he obliquely references his own alienation from society, while boasting his own sophistication.

“Patrick folded the drawing up and put it in his folder. 'I mean, they don't teach you anything in here! They just baby you around. “No” this, “no” that, all you can think about is the mistake you made, and “I can't wait to get out,” and “I'd do this again, or that again.” The only thing I learned here is how not to be caught next time. I thought this place was supposed to teach you something, but no, it just punishes people. Why should you change your life if all you hear all day is what a worthless piece of shit you are?’”

Patrick's quote identifies and explains the absurdity surrounding the penal system, and its inadequacies regarding rehabilitation. Instead, Patrick explains that the focus does nothing to prepare inmates for life on the outside and only reinforces criminal tendencies. Patrick believes this has a lot to do with how the youth feel, and explains high recidivism rates.

“He admired the sunset while I tried to figure out what had happened to my common sense. My students were violent criminals, but I no longer thought of them as bad people. In fact, I felt almost no curiosity at all about what they had done to get arrested; all I cared about was what they wrote and what happened during our meetings. Was that healthy? Was it fair?”

In this passage, Salzman describes his own growing attachments to his students, and his unease with it. The author no longer thinks of his students as bad people but at the same time, knows that they are violent criminals. He realizes that this attachment, though appearing positive, may not necessarily be so.

“I smiled, assuming that this was a compliment. Mr. Burkert noticed this and focused his attention on me. ‘You may think that’s a good thing, but it isn’t. You pay lots of attention to them and they get used to it. They come out of your classes feeling like something special, which makes it hard for them to leave your program and have to go back to our program. It makes them resent being told what to do by the staff, so they resist in subtle ways. This is exactly the problem we’re having with Barreda. We can’t have it.’”

This passage identifies and expresses elements of the staff's frustration with Mark's program. Mark's students believe themselves to be special, and eventually resent being incarcerated. It goes to show how the writing program, in trying to humanize offenders, goes against the aims of the juvenile jail, which is to punish them.

“With its high ceiling, bare walls, and hard floor, the chapel was as resonant as a giant shower stall. It made the cello sound like several instruments playing at once. The instrument sounded divine in that room, which excited me, but then a rustling from the audience brought me back to reality. The kids were bored, as I had feared. The rustling grew in intensity, but something about it didn’t sound right. It wasn’t quite the sound of fidgeting and wasn’t quite the sound of whispering either. I glanced at the audience and saw a roomful of boys with tears running down their faces. The rustling that had distracted me was the sound of sniffling and nose-wiping—music to any musician’s ears.”

This passage describes the effect Mark's cello piece has on the audience during Central Juvenile Hall's Arts Festival. Mark is highly self-conscious about his playing, but soon realizes that the students are profoundly affected by one piece, which he told the audience reminded him of his mother. He is taken aback by the response, which he initially thinks is boredom. In so doing, he realizes that the inmates, too, are boys with mothers.

“I confessed to them what I had avoided telling even Duane: that for the past two years I had felt like giving up every day. Writing the book about the nun had turned into the worst experience of my life, and I saw no end in sight. I thought the boys would appreciate hearing that even someone like me—a published author, a married man, a free man—could feel discouraged, but it seemed to upset them, Francisco most of all. His eyebrow bunched up, his face darkened, and he said, ‘You’re gonna finish it. You gotta believe that.’ ‘I said ‘I feel like giving up, Francisco. But don’t worry, I won’t.’ ‘You’re gonna finish it,’ he repeated.”

This passage describing a conversation between Mark and Francisco is important as it gets to the point of Mark's own insecurities about his writing. It also reflects Mark's deepening connection with his students, the inmates, and his new capacity to share his vulnerabilities. It is significant sign of trust between them.

“He looked up from the floor, and I saw right away that he had not been fighting back tears at all. He was concealing a grin. ‘I gotta tell you, man—you’re way too nice for a place like this! You gonna get played here, over and over. Only it won’t be by somebody like me, who tells you you bein’ played. It’ll be somebody who really plays you, for somethin’ that matters, and then nobody’ll respect you. You need me, man. You need the practice.’”

This passage highlights a significant exchange between Salzman and one of his students, Nathaniel. Nathaniel is being talked to for being disruptive in class. At this moment, he makes a fake show to Salzman, and is able to "play" him, by telling Mark exactly what he wants to hear. However, he lets Mark know what he has done, out of a feeling of concern. Mark is upset, but then taken aback: he realizes that Nathaniel is looking out for him, but at the same time understands that his desire to infantilize the boys, and see them as vulnerable, is simply naive. The boys understand this, but Mark did not, until this point.

“‘Don’t take offense,’ she said, ‘but in my observation, you are a naïve person. You think everything’s just like in a storybook. Oh, I wish I could feel that way, yes I do. Unfortunately, I can’t. It’s my job to see the truth.’ She picked up one of the pencils we had distributed throughout the room and held it in front of me. ‘You see a pencil here. Just a nice little pencil. It would never occur to you’—she changed her grip on the pencil so that it was clenched in her fist—'that this could be driven through someone’s ear right into their brain! You hand these pencils out but don’t pay close attention to how many come back. I bet you don’t know how many were on this table when we came in, do you? I do. There were nine.’”

This quotation, said during the reading by one of the facility staff, illustrates two things: Mark's naiveite, and the staff's consequent resentment of him. The feeling is that Mark is allowed to be hopeful and optimistic about the inmates, as he isn't responsible for their negative, occasionally violent behaviors; he can treat them like students. On the other hand, the rest of the staff have to be always vigilant; they are obliged to treat them only as inmates.

“‘When we came through that door, we found ourselves amongst writers and poets, not just fellow inmates. We had a chance to shed the restraints placed on us by this place and feel free, even if it was for only one day. We want to thank the staff and the administration for letting us do this. Sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes we slip up, but you don’t give up on us. We thank you for that. Finally, we want to show appreciation to our teachers for what they do for us. They help give us something we never had: a voice that we could use so we would be heard by people that make the decisions that affect us.’”

The above quote is from a letter read by Nathaniel at the close of the writing retreat. Nathaniel emphasizes the rarity of the opportunity for offenders to be afforded a chance to express themselves. This quote shows his own understanding of both the crimes they have committed to bring them to juvenile hall and also a determination to set their own lives right.

“‘I get sentenced next Wednesday, and they'll bring me straight from court to the Box.’ He practically spat. ‘If I was gonna kill myself, I would've done it a long time ago. Sending you to the Box is just one more way of breaking you down. You can't even have friends around you on the worst night of your life.’ He pulled the nub of eraser out of his pencil and jammed it back in. ‘Everybody ought to just write what they want. You're always havin' to come up with topics for us. We depend on it too much. If we can't come up with our own ideas, we can't say we're really writing.’”

This quote from Jimmy has two important parts. In the first part, he describes how the punishment of isolation affects the inmates psychologically, and declares his resolve against it. His view is cynical, yet determined. At the same time, however, Jimmy channels this resolve and independence into the writing process, demanding greater autonomy, in response to that which he has lost in prison. Together, these parts show how writing is becoming, for the boys, an antidote to their experience in juvenile hall.

“Within a month, the class grew from four to fifteen members. My triage skills proved useless in the face of overwhelming need; each new boy had a roommate or friend who absolutely had to get into the class as soon as possible. The constant pestering wore me down, and I felt awful every time I walked into the unit and faced the ones who had not been chosen. Some submitted writing examples, others showed me their drawings, while most simply begged. One boy, after being turned down a fifth week in a row, muttered as I walked away, ‘Take my name off the list, then. You jus' like all the rest. Get a nigga's hopes up, then take 'em away.’ After that, I gave up.”

This quotation demonstrates the increased demand in Mark's class following Christmas. The class becomes more popular. Mark has difficulty dealing with the increased demand, lacking a formal process for accepting new students. The quote demonstrates both the popularity of Mark's class, and students becoming more desperate. The effects on Mark's class prove to be negative.

“Naturally, the class lost focus. I spent a lot of energy moving from one clique to another to get them to stop talking, stop teasing each other, stop picking on Wong, stop pulling the erasers out of my pencils, stop drumming on the table. No, you can't give your roommate an extra folder; no, I can't give you a pen; no I can't mail that to your crime partner on the outs; no I can't Xerox fifty copies of your poem about your girlfriend's pussy; no I can't bring a cake every week; please stop rapping it's distracting the others; please don't throw that; please don't bring Hustler magazine to class, and how the hell did you get that in here?”

Here, Salzman describes the general breakdown of order in his class, as its size increases. The significance of this quotation is that while Mark is a capable writer, he is not an experienced teacher. Moreover, this environment is much more challenging than what he is used to. Mark is overconfident as to his abilities as a teacher, and as a result, his class begins to come apart.

“Dad laughed. ‘Can you really do that? And not expect some kind of result, or feel it has to lead to something else? More power to you.' I thought of Duane, who obviously expected more of his work with the kids than that it be merely enjoyable, and of Sister Janet, who would be satisfied with nothing less than a complete overhaul of the juvenile justice system. Compared to their goals and objectives, mine seemed shameful.”

This quote demonstrates the beginning of Mark's questioning of his own motives. In particular, Mark begins to realize that his motives are primarily self-interested, and selfish, and only offer his students dubious value. Compared to Mark and Sister Janet, who believe they can foster real change, Mark’s goals are superficial.

“Deep down inside this angry person there is an image of a rejoiceful person who's facing perpetual incarceration behind no mercy walls. Just like your fellow inmates, as you think about the happiness in the past you'll like to shout out for mercy upon your life. But living in darkness for so long you're taught not to express certain emotions. The voice no one hears is the voice that yells out for freedom in the mind of a forbidden child. Struggling to survive in an ongoing war that seems to have led me and my fellow troops to a meaningless situation. But as I'm found innocent in God's prison, the light should shine on this voice of mine that people just can't seem to follow and understand and I could say farewell to all my hidden voices. And the loneliness is my life will run for cover.”

This quote shows both the honesty and ability among Salzman’s writing students. They are terribly aware of their situation, and being HROs, or “high-risk offenders,” they understand that they will be sentenced as adults and following their time in juvenile hall, will go to either county jail or state prison.

“‘It's all nice,’ Jose said, ‘us tryn'a do good in here, goin' to school and takin' writing classes and bein' in plays an' shit. But it don' make no difference. In the end, it all comes out the same.’

“Jose got up and wandered out in the dayroom where Mr. Granillo gave him the choice of returning to class or going to his room. He choose his room.”

This significance of this quotation from Mark's student, Jose, refers to the realism—and even pessimism—experienced by the boys in the juvenile hall. For those already sentenced, or whose prospects are negative, Mark's class cannot help but seem like a distraction from their fates. In addition to this, the ambition to express oneself, grow, and "do good" only seems futile, when faced with the consequences of their actions, and the likelihood of harsh punishment.

“That night I went to bed with a broken heart, just as Sister Janet had predicted—but not because of what the legal system was doing to young people. I had known for a year that Kevin was charged with murder, as were most of the boys in my class. I guess I thought that if I could look at those numbers in Mr. Sills’ ledger and go back to the library without flinching, it meant I had faced reality and dealt with it. Now I knew otherwise. One of my students’ victims had a name and a family now, and I had to wrap my mind around the fact that someone I had grown so fond of, and who seemed so gentle, had been foolish enough to go to a movie theater carrying a loaded gun, violent enough to shoot three people with it—two of them in the back—and then callous enough to want to go to a movie afterward.”

This passage demonstrates Mark confronting his own ignorance regarding his students. For a long time, Mark purposefully ignores the accused criminal acts of his students, believing his students to be better and greater than their respective crimes. While Mark was prepared for the idea that the legal system was cruelly punishing his students, he was not prepared for the idea that his students had committed such heinous acts.

“I closed the door behind me and sat down in the chair facing his desk. ‘I went to Kevin's trial last week,’ I said.

“‘I heard. I heard this defense lasted half an hour.’

“‘Something like that.’

“Mr. Sills nodded. ‘That's a little less than average, but not by much.’ Then he pointed toward the library. ‘You got kids waitin’ on you in there. Around here, you focus on what you can do, and you find a way to live with the rest.’”

This is a conversation between Mark and Mr. Sills, about Kevin Jackson's trial. At first, Mark believes that Mr. Sills is blasé about Kevin's legal jeopardy, but later comes to understand the wisdom of his response. Mr. Sills’s response is not what Kevin would like to hear at the moment, but it reminds him that he must do everything he can in the present, rather than focus on what cannot be done for the past.

“When it came Kevin's turn to read, I wondered what his complaint would be. Would he blame the legal system for not providing him a better attorney? Would he blame society for not taking better care of him after the death of his parents? Would he express a sense of betrayal over the fact that, encouraged by adults to improve himself while in juvenile hall and then doing so it hadn't made any difference to his future at all?”

This quote shows how Mark's feelings have changed in light of Kevin's sentencing. At the same time, Mark's frustration with the system, and his role in it, grows. Mark anticipates that Kevin will attempt to shift the blame. While Mark shows that he is no longer willing to turn a blind eye to the truth of his students' crimes, he is also willing to acknowledge the little he can do for these students' legal troubles.

“‘Absolutely,’ [Judge O'Neill] said, ‘unequivocally, I believe every word that is said. He is a model prisoner. But once he's on the streets with his colleagues, his fellow Bloods, he becomes an animal...It's almost like there are two individuals. It's tragic. It's really sad. We've got a young man here who tragically lost his parents. And where did he turn for family? He turned to the Bloods. That's what he did. But that was his choice. And his choice was to go to that movie armed, and his choice was to shoot those three individuals. Bad choices.’”

This quote from Judge O'Neill, at Kevin's sentencing, articulates the dilemma Mark expressed to himself in the previous chapter. This dilemma is that there seem to be two Kevins, one for each environment. This split, the judge determines has to do with Kevin's loss of family, and his desperation to recover that sense of family, elsewhere. That being said, the Judge ruled that Kevin still made these choices, and remains responsible for them.