These Is My Words: The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, 1881-1901

“No, Mama, I said. It ain’t Sunday. It don’t have to be Sunday for you to talk. Come out of there. Come back here, Mama. You are acting touched.”

Sarah expresses her frustration to Mama, who withdraws from reality following the deaths of Clover and Papa. Prior to these events, Mama was already a woman of few words, and after Papa dies, she nearly stops speaking altogether. She emerges from her own mind only on Sundays when she tells Bible stories to the children on the wagon train.

“Accustomed is what the scarlet velvet woman was. She was accustomed to her sorrows it said, as she had been accustomed to great riches and fine foods. We are accustomed to Indian wars and sorrows and travelling fast and folks dying.”

Page 87 from the book The Duchess of Warwick and Her Sorrow By the Sea flies into Sarah’s bonnet a little earlier in Chapter 2 (“December 11, 1881”). The page captivates her with its description of a beautiful woman dressed in scarlet velvet and gazing worriedly out to sea. Here, as Captain Elliot tells the travelers that a band of hostile Indians is pursuing them, Sarah compares her lot to that of the woman described in the book. The sharp contrasts between her own life and that of the woman in the book fuel Sarah’s fascination with the Duchess’s story—which she will never get to read.

“Being my share of nosey, I climbed up inside and found the dearest treasure I think I have ever seen. The wagon bed was lined with boxes of books. Books and books, stacked and packed in rows with leather covers on them and some had gold and ribboned edges. Some of them were story books, some of them seemed to be schoolbooks, and were about things I don’t know of, and one is a magical book, with a big D on it, a book of words to learn to spell and what they mean.”

Sarah and the wagon train happen upon an abandoned campsite and wagon, and she discovers a trove of books inside the wagon. This treasure makes Sarah greedy for its ownership, as she finds the books early in her self-education. In this wagon, she sees great potential for herself, as shown by her reference to a dictionary (a word Sarah cannot yet read) as a magical book from which she may improve her spelling. These books will remain with Sarah through the rest of the novel, playing an important role in her life.

“I have done the worst thing I ever thought I’d do and I wonder if this is how a fancy woman feels when she is thinking about her sinful life. I cannot believe I let myself fall into this like a wanton or a harlot. I cannot face Savannah and Mama and the others, and I claim that I have a sick headache, but in truth I just cannot look them in the eye.”

Sarah relates her immense shame and regret after awakening in the arms of Captain Jack Elliot after a tearful breakdown to him the previous night. Although Jack assures her that she has done nothing wrong by merely crying herself to sleep, Sarah still feels disgraced. Because her friend Savannah is virtuous and refined, and her Mama recites Bible stories by heart, Sarah feels incapable of facing them. As a result, in this naïve moment of self-judgment, Sarah likens her actions to those of the women Mama’s stories warned her about.

“I asked her did she know she had been a little peculiar since we buried Papa, and she said, Well, yes. But, she said, Sarah you had a hand on everything and all was going well, so I just slipped away. Then when I thought I would lose you, I saw I would have to come back and take hold of things again.”

Sarah is surprised to learn from Mama that she was completely aware of her behavior following Papa’s burial. Mama explains that in her mourning, she began to withdraw because Sarah had everything under control—responsibilities such as hunting and cooking for her siblings and driving the wagon. The subtext is that, particularly following Papa’s death, Mama did not feel her children needed her. Receding into her own mind, she explains, was a reaction to both deep mourning and to her children’s perceived independence. Even though she was experiencing emotional pain, she still wanted her children to need her, thereby giving her a reason to remain present.

“Low down dirty ornery rotten skunk of a cussed mule-headed soldier!”

This is Sarah’s reaction to a brief note from Captain Elliot in which he tells her that The Duchess of Warwick and Her Sorrow By the Sea is no longer available from him for sale. She receives the note shortly after her engagement to Jimmy and is doubly horrified, as Elliot does not include congratulations on her engagement. The Happy Bride informs Sarah that she should expect many congratulatory messages on her marriage. In this reactionary moment of anger, Sarah’s naiveté and limited narrative perspective about her ongoing correspondence with Elliot and his romantic interest in her are evident in these lines.

“Again I wondered what it must be like to be Savannah, and be loved like that, and maybe in time will that happen to me and Jimmy? Must be her good and simple ways, and Bible study. I haven’t been kissed at all since months before the baby came, much less kissed like they were doing.”

During a difficult period in her marriage to Jimmy, Sarah retreats to visit the peaceful home of Mama, Albert, and Savannah. During her visit, she sees her brother Albert passionately kiss his wife. The sight surprises Sarah, but mostly it awakens her to what is missing in her own marriage. Because legalistic books like The Happy Bride educated her on marriage, she blames herself for her dispassionate husband and assumes the love Savannah enjoys is due to her virtue.

“His face grew serious. Mrs. Reed, you take a lot of chances, and you stand up to them all. Why not take a chance on me? You can see I’m widely admired by both dogs and children, he says, real grand, And I ask you, is that not a fair recommendation?”

Jack’s response to Sarah’s rejection of his courtship is playful. On a trip to town to buy supplies for her soap-making business, Sarah crosses paths with Captain Jack Elliot. She tries to avoid him, but he boldly invites himself to lunch with her and April in the park. His spirited response to Sarah’s rejection belies his patience and tenderness with her, which will be an asset to their eventual marriage. At this point in her diary, Sarah has yet to acknowledge any romantic interest in Jack, particularly as she became a widow very recently.

“Part of the inside of me aches to have the kind of family that Albert and Savannah have, and to know someone in a tender way the way they do. It is real clear to me that they are precious in each other’s eyes. I think the only person that ever looked at me the way Albert does Savannah is Jack Elliot. What a fine set up that is!”

Following the death of Jimmy and the end of that unhappy marriage, Sarah acknowledges her longing for a tender and loving relationship. Yet she does not claim any interest in Jack and sarcastically compares the way he looks at her to how Albert looks at Savannah. In this quote, Sarah suggests that she may never have the kind of marriage her brother and Savannah share; she reveals the emotional scars left from her loveless marriage to Jimmy.

“So I said, Well I don’t like the smell of black powder, it just makes me remember. And then I choked up like a little girl and couldn’t finish.”

On their date in Tucson on July 4, Jack takes Sarah to watch a fireworks display, which she doesn’t enjoy. The noise they make and the smell they emit remind her of the Indian ambushes and battles that ensued during her time on the wagon trail. These skirmishes recall the many travelers and loved ones lost on the trek. Her quote recalls earlier scenes of Elliot’s bravery as her wagon train guide in the face of these dangers.

“Then suddenly I couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth, as if I had practiced a speech, but I hadn’t at all. All it will take Jack Elliot, is for you to swear that you hold no secret longings for some other woman, and that when you say you love me you mean it.”

Jack attempts to propose to Sarah, but she refuses at first. The above quote is her response when he asks her what it would take for her to want to marry him. Sarah refers to the secret longing her first husband held for Ruthanne MacIntosh during their marriage and his deception about loving Sarah. In this rare moment of vulnerability, she surprises herself with this admission, finally admitting to herself and Jack why she refused to show romantic interest in him up to this point.

“Savannah, I said, What do you think of Jack Elliot? Is he a scoundrel? Is he a liar? I can’t think anymore, he has my mind addled something awful. Do you think he loves me?”

Following her acceptance of Jack’s proposal, Sarah has doubts about her decision. Throughout the novel, her recorded conversations with Savannah show the most vulnerability. These lines begin to reveal the depth of Sarah’s guardedness about another marriage. Her questions to Savannah refer to her experiences with Jimmy, rather than to any evidence of these issues in Jack’s character.

“Maybe he has gone to visit some street woman down on Maiden Lane like Jimmy did. On our wedding day too.

Oh, Lord, what have I done?”

On the night following their wedding ceremony, Jack leaves Sarah in their hotel room to run an errand; he does not explain to her that he is going to a jewelsmith to retrieve his wedding gift for her. In response, Sarah panics and again collapses Jack’s character with Jimmy’s, imagining him visiting sex workers, as Jimmy often did. This quote shows that, despite her admissions of love for Jack, Sarah is still in pain from her first marriage and that husband’s betrayals.

“I just looked at her, and I saw in her eyes that she was wanting some kind of approval for her boy because of his career ahead, and she suddenly just looked like an old lady, not fancy and rich and frightening. An old lady whose son admired my husband, and who herself would be as helpless in the Territories as a newborn calf and not nearly as useful.”

Sarah describes her renewed impression of Mrs. Faulkner, a rude and wealthy woman she meets on a long train ride with Jack to Texas. When their train arrives in Austin, Mrs. Faulkner’s son, a West Point cadet, approaches Jack to express respect and recognition of his great military reputation. Here, Sarah notices a role reversal, as the once-snobbish Mrs. Faulkner suddenly looks to her for approval, rather than expecting Sarah to seek approval from her.

“I still see a stranger sitting there. One I am getting used to, but not one I feel familiar with. There is much about him that pleases me and takes my breath away with kind attentions, and there is something in him that I feel I will never touch, a secret man inside, the one I saw on horseback guiding the wagon train.”

Sarah studies Jack on their train ride back to Arizona after their Texas sojourn to meet Jack’s father, Chess. In Texas, Sarah and Jack spent all their time together; on this train ride home, she contemplates their return to the realities of his military service and frequent absences. She also grapples with the aspect of Jack’s character she cannot fully understand: his bravery, which she notes in reference to the wagon train. At this early point in their marriage, she is uncomfortable with the unknown, and this causes difficulty in the marriage until they move to Tucson.

“He didn’t say another word. He just looked way over the hills. I suspect he is fighting more than Indians and cowboys and such somewhere inside himself. That’s why he can’t quit. He’s got something burning inside and just has to keep on fighting it until one of them wins.”

Jack refuses to quit the army after Sarah asks him how she’ll manage the ranch without his help. Jack does not explain his refusal, and Sarah assumes he has some hidden motivation or agenda behind his commitment to the military. This presumption, however, belies her misunderstanding of Jack’s instinctual heroism and bravery, for which the military is an outlet.

“Chess made me tell him all about the story Jack told of his winning that medal, and he seemed real proud, and didn’t once say what a fool stunt it was to ride that horse off a cliff over the top of them Indians’ heads and save that Federal Marshal and the two Army officers, one a major and one a captain. I think those men should not go themselves into such a fix, but all he said was, Jack’s a hoot, ain’t he?”

Sarah’s grammar falters as she describes her annoyance at Chess’s clear lack of concern over his son’s safety during military exploits. She describes the action Jack took during a campaign with his detachment, for which he receives the Congressional Medal of Honor for bravery. Sarah reveals two important things here, both of which are eventually resolved when the couple moves to Tucson: her lack of concern for Jack’s fellow cavalrymen and her continued lack of understanding of Jack’s bravery.

“I told him I wasn’t going to have such a bad girl, and that he should realize that she needed more than just love and petting, she needs a firm hand and a good backbone, or she’ll be an unhappy lady when she’s grown.”

Sarah expresses to Chess her distaste for the way he indulges her young daughter, April, by ignoring her misbehavior. Sarah expressed a similar concern to Jack on their post-honeymoon train ride back to Arizona. This quote subtly foreshadows April’s teenaged years, during which she becomes petulant and disobedient, eventually running away to marry a beau in lieu of moving to the ranch outside Tucson with her family.

“I lost my heart to you the moment you won that rifle from that blowhard and handed it back to him. Then I lost everything else to you when you stood up with a straight face and protected your family against what you thought would be a vision of horror.”

On the day of their move to Tucson to be closer to Jack’s work, Sarah finds in his saddlebag an unsent love letter to her from 1882. In this letter, excerpted above, Jack describes the moments on the wagon trail during which Sarah stole his heart by showing her integrity in the face of Mike Meyers and her protectiveness of her family. Sarah is nervous about their relocation to Tucson, but Jack’s letter reassures her that he sees her true self and loves her for who she is.

“But taking that test, that’s like showing other people the inside of your thoughts, and just waiting for them to say, wrong, wrong, wrong, and you can have a thought that seems right but since you never went to school, maybe it isn’t.”

In taking the 12th-grade equivalency exam, Sarah describes a new kind of fear—a fear of giving her innermost thoughts and ideas for evaluation. However, she courageously faces this fear and passes the exam. There is also irony in Sarah’s declaration since revealing her innermost thoughts is precisely what she does over the course of her diary/the novel.

“Well, it is all over this post and probably all over town that I have had Blue Horse at my dinner table and treated him like a was a real man. How did they think I would treat him, like a stuffed man? Two of the men’s wives actually side stepped away from me as I walked on the boardwalk to the post mail.”

Blue Horse is a Yavapai warrior who works as an army scout at Jack’s fort. One evening, Jack brings him to their home for dinner; Sarah describes other officers’ wives’ reactions to their housing him. Here, Sarah shows her dynamism as a character, as she is open not only to familiarizing herself with Jack’s fellow cavalrymen but also to accepting those whom others typically shun socially. Despite others’ prejudices, Blue Horse becomes a regular visitor to the Elliots’ home.

“I am going to visit Mama tomorrow and tell her I am sorry for everything I ever did that caused her sorrow or worry, and for ever wishing, during those days, that she would come back.”

Sarah reflects on her impatience with Mama’s condition following the deaths of Clover and Papa. Now, having lost Suzanne to scarlet fever, Sarah feels deep regret for her earlier behavior. Although she never records her ensuing conversation with Mama, this brief entry reveals significant growth in Sarah’s development of empathy.

“I had to save the baby, he said, and shook real hard all over for a minute. Then he turned toward me and reach his hand out, groping for me, and then I knew he couldn’t even see me. Sarah, my Sarah, he said, I’m sorry to tell you but I’m leaving again.”

Jack is at the hospital in this scene, dying of injuries from an explosion. During a fire he was fighting, he mistakenly thought he heard a baby crying and rushed into the fire to rescue it. Jack knows he is dying and apologizes to Sarah for leaving her to raise their children alone.