The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

Despite the existence of many cultures in which men are not violent or domineering, American men choose to live a patriarchal existence. hooks points out that many women now take on these more aggressive roles, proving that violent behavior has more to do with power than with genitalia. She challenges the idea that male violence against women is less common than feminist activists suggest. hooks relays statistics from 1995 to support her argument: Seven hundred thousand women per year are sexually assaulted in the US, and “one out of twelve women will be stalked at some point in her lifetime” (56). Women learn to keep silent about their experiences with men, including violence. However, violence is not the only form of abuse that patriarchy encompasses.

Emotional abuse is a widespread byproduct of patriarchal culture. hooks describes her own experiences in long-term relationships. Her first partner was occasionally violent toward her and often emotionally abusive. Her second partner—an ally against violence—was also emotionally abusive. hooks suggests that this may be due to issues concerning power; as she gained more power, the men in her life felt a need to exert their dominance. She denounces the idea that women choose men who are not good for them, explaining that this narrative does not acknowledge the patriarchal structures that influence male behavior. From childhood, boys are indoctrinated and inducted into the patriarchal socialization of violence. For example, hooks cites a study in which many college-aged men reported finding forced sexual intercourse acceptable in certain situations. These findings conflict with the notion that not all men are abusers; hooks argues that male socialization is predicated upon violence.

Single-mother households present unique versions of patriarchal instruction. hooks suggests that often single mothers allow their sons to be violent and to take on coercive roles that emphasize their own power over their mothers. Teenage boys resent their mothers, who—having no power outside the home in a patriarchal society—dare to exert authority over them in the home. Women who were dominated and abused often project this damage onto their sons. This maternal sadism presents itself as another byproduct of a patriarchal society.

Women often justify violence or abuse, dismissing it as a gender difference. hooks argues that committing to a patriarchal relationship means committing to some level of abuse. Patriarchal projections of abuse are more common in lower- and middle-class households, where men manifest their lack of power outside the home through intimate-partner abuse. However, patriarchal manhood does not provide satisfaction or fulfillment, and men often react to this imbalanced system with misdirected rage.

In this chapter, hooks explores the intertwining of love and sex in a patriarchal society. Men seek the intimacy and love that they feel are missing from their lives through sex. While American patriarchal culture finds conversations about love taboo or sappy, conversations about sex permeate the airwaves. Men are seen as sexual creatures; the belief that men need and must have sex contributes to a widespread acceptance of male sexual violence in prisons. hooks writes that this is also why rape is “still not deemed a serious crime” (77). Children learn about sex through mass media and pornography, digesting the idea that sex must always have a dominant partner and a submissive one. The notion that men will lose their sanity if they are deprived of sex perpetuates rape culture.

Patriarchal culture is one of domination. Therefore, intimate relationships become platforms for expressing power and control. Patriarchal men view sex as a right that they use women to exert. When women are not available, hooks writes, they exert that perceived right on weaker men or on children, contributing to the prevalence of child sexual abuse. As the exterior world dominates and humiliates men, they express their rage through sex. Rape culture is further sustained by the notion that boys should enjoy their penises while also fearing the power that their genitalia may exert over them. Therefore, boys are led to believe that they must always exert control in sexual relationships to avoid being overtaken. They are encouraged to view sex as addictive and the female right to say no as infuriating. Constant suppression of their emotions leads men to act out their pain through sex. Patriarchal culture presents a paradox: In a world where men have all the power, they consistently feel powerless.

Even gay sexual relationships often adopt patriarchal structures. Gay men are encouraged to engage in sexist thinking and an identity of sexual compulsion that suggests that they are driven by the need to have as much sex as possible. hooks argues that most pornography—whether it is designed for gay or straight men—is inherently patriarchal, playing out fantasies of domination and submissiveness. Compulsive sexuality is used as a substitute for recovery and healing. Her conclusion is that sex will never satisfy the pain inflicted by patriarchy, but this dissatisfaction only intensifies the appetite for it.