70 pages • 2 hours read
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Adam Ross is the protagonist and narrator of this novel. Adam is a high school sophomore diagnosed with OCD, and he attends therapy and a support group to manage his disorder. Adam desperately wants to be a normal teenage boy, but he struggles with compulsions and other mental health issues, including counting in his head, tapping patterns to stay calm, and completing cleansing rituals before entering through new doors. Many of his compulsions stem from the stress and anxiety related to his mother’s mental health issues and the consequently unsafe living environment in their home.
As an older brother to Sweetie, a son to his parents and his stepmom Brenda, and a friend to Ben Stones, Robyn, and his support group, Adam puts a lot of pressure on himself to protect his loved ones. He is there for Sweetie when he’s scared, hurt, or tired, and he’s there for his friends to confide in. Sometimes it is difficult for Adam to see how much he tries to give to others and how much energy it takes from him. However, the emotional toll is significant: His belief that he’s at fault for every bad thing that happens to his friends and family, and that he must complete his rituals perfectly to ensure their safety, is a manifestation of his OCD.
Adam’s journey to recovery demonstrates that healing is difficult and nonlinear. He experiences setbacks and breakthroughs throughout the narrative, but he can’t make significant forward progress because he refuses to accept the truth of his circumstances—that his compulsions are getting worse; that the best thing for Robyn is to keep distance from him; that his mom is lying to and manipulating him; that his home is unsafe and exacerbating his anxieties; that he cannot save everyone on his own, not himself, not Robyn, not his mother. Adam’s coming-of-age journey requires confronting all these truths. Once he acknowledges his reality, embraces honesty, and accepts external support, Adam feels incredible relief, as seen when he’s finally able to cry. In many ways, Adam’s story embodies the adage that although accepting the truth is hard, it will set you free.
Robyn is a new member of Adam’s support group. She recently completed the residential program at Rogers Memorial Hospital and is a junior in high school, a year ahead of Adam. Adam is immediately in love with her the second he sees her. He believes that Robyn is directly tied to his goals of achieving normalcy and happiness, and that he must save her from her troubles. Robyn is somewhat aware of Adam’s feelings, which becomes apparent when she tells him, “You Ross men seem to like your women complicated” (69), show that she knows he has a crush on her. As their relationship evolves into something more romantic, Adam and Robyn learn about the joys and the complications of falling in love for the first time, particularly when recovering from mental illness. Robyn’s more rapid pace of recovery helps Adam see that he doesn’t need to save her, for she’s already strong on her own. This leads to the revelation that Adam’s continued presence in Robyn’s life might do more harm than good. In this way, their relationship embodies the idea that sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
Adam’s mom Carmella works as a nurse supervisor. She’s been struggling ever since her divorce from Adam’s dad. She takes to hoarding things and collecting random objects to the point that their house is almost uninhabitable. Carmella is aware that this environment is unsafe for her son, evidenced by her promises to organize the house and the contents of the threatening letters that she sends to herself. However, caught in a mental health crisis, she’s unable to make the meaningful change necessary to improve their lives on her own. When Carmella implores Adam to keep the letters secret, this escalates his OCD symptoms, but Adam feels he would be betraying his mother if he talked about her hoarding, the letters, or any of her issues.
Carmella loves Adam very much, but she tends to cling to him and make him feel guilty for spending time with his dad, stepmom, and stepbrother. The letters are a tactic to ensure Adam stays with her, as she uses them to manipulate him into silence. As a result, Adam feels torn. He says, “Each time he left for them, he felt he was abandoning her” (222). He is constantly having to balance between staying loyal to his mother while trying to support everyone else he loves and take care of himself. As Adam matures and moves closer toward recovery, he realizes that keeping his mom’s secrets is only making everything worse. Like with Robyn, he comes to understand that he can’t save his mom on his own; he must let go of his guilt and his sense of responsibility to ensure she gets the help she needs.
Brenda is Adam’s father’s new wife, Sweetie’s mother, and Adam’s stepmom. Adam comments that Brenda is almost the complete opposite of his mother Carmella. Brenda is blond, pristine, and polite. It is clear that Brenda loves Adam very much and wants the best for him. Sweetie tells Adam that he overheard Brenda saying, “He really should be here with us, Sebastian. The boy is not safe in that firetrap” (79). While seemingly passive aggressive, Brenda truly cares for Adam and is always willing to drive him to school, buy him new clothes, and support him when he needs her.
Adam’s stepbrother Wendell “Sweetie” Ross is obsessed with Adam, and he always wants Adam to play with him or at least be nearby. He doesn’t always respect or understand that Adam also loves his mother and should spend time with her as well. He says, “But why? Why do you have to go? […] We love you more than Mrs. Carmella Ross loves you” (171). While Adam loves Sweetie and wants to protect him, Sweetie also tends to add to Adam’s stress because of his constant desire and need for Adam’s attention.