The Summer I Turned Pretty

“My whole life was measured in summers. Like I don’t really begin living until June, until I’m at that beach, in that house.”

When Belly measures her life, she does so in terms of what happened during which summer, all of which have taken place at Cousins Beach. Her life outside of summer is only half-real, something that exists completely apart from her “real” life at Cousins Beach. The other nine months of the year are merely counting down until she can be at the beach again.

“My heart was beating so loudly I could hear it. Everything was the same but not. They had looked at me like I was a real girl, not just somebody’s little sister.”

This early quote foreshadows the growth and change to come for Belly this summer. Belly is the only girl and the youngest of the Cousins Beach kids, and she has always felt an acute sense of being left out or different. She is used to being dismissed as Steven’s little sister or a tattle tale. However, when Belly and her family arrive this year, Belly senses a change in how Conrad and Jeremiah view her. Her physical maturation over the last year causes the boys to see her not merely as “somebody’s little sister” but as a burgeoning woman in her own right. Unused to this kind of attention from Conrad and Jeremiah, Belly responds with a mixed sense of anxiety and excitement. Her rapidly beating heart and a sense that everything is the same and yet different indicate that she senses this shift in the relationship and foreshadows later events.

“The thing is, Susannah was right. It was a summer I’d never, ever forget. It was the summer everything began. It was the summer I turned pretty. Because for the first time, I felt it. Pretty, I mean. Every summer up to this one, I believed it’d be different. Life would be different. And that summer, it finally was. I was.”

Narrating the text from an indeterminate point in the future, Belly reflects on Susannah’s early foretelling that this will be an unforgettable summer. With the benefit of hindsight, Belly can look back on this summer and see how right Susannah was. Belly refers to this summer as the “summer I turned pretty”: the summer she was perceived as pretty not only by others but also by herself. Belly’s newfound confidence in her appearance is the catalyst for the summer’s events, where she will finally confront her long-held feelings for Conrad, navigate relationships, and feel comfortable with her emerging beauty.

“Dads didn’t belong in the summer house. Not my father and not Mr. Fisher. Sure, they’d come to visit, but it wasn’t their place. They didn’t belong to it. Not the way we all did, the mothers and us kids.”

Belly is often like an outsider at the summer house because of her role as the youngest kid and only girl. While Conrad, Jeremiah, and Steven connect easily, Belly has to fight for attention and her place in the group growing up. Even with her mother and Susannah, Belly does not quite fit in because she is a child. Despite these feelings, Belly has a connection to the summer house. She may not always feel like she has a spot within the group, but unlike the fathers (who rarely, if ever, visit Cousins Beach), Belly feels a sense of belonging to the place, which is only available to the mothers and children.

“Susannah was always calling us children, but the thing was, I didn’t even mind. Normally I would. But the way Susannah said it, it didn’t seem like a bad thing, not like we were small and babyish. Instead it sounded like we have our whole lives in front of us.”

Belly wants to be perceived as mature or grown-up, and those around her have often treated her as just the opposite. As such, Belly feels particularly sensitive to others calling her “child” or referring to the group of Cousins Beach kids as “children.” Belly’s abiding affection for Susannah overrides her distaste for being called a child and illustrates the profound effect Susannah has on Belly. Through the lens of Susannah, Belly can view the possibilities and beauty inherent in being called a child because it is not derogatory or diminishing but rather full of potential and hope.

“Sometimes it’s like people are a million times more beautiful to you in your mind. It’s like you see them through a special lens—but maybe if it’s how you see them, that’s how they really are.”

Belly reflects on her love of Susannah and her perception of her. To Belly, Susannah is somewhat perfect: a perfect woman, wife, and mother. She favors Susannah even more because Belly often struggles to get along with her mother. In this quote, Belly acknowledges that she may put Susannah on a pedestal, but Belly suggests a counterpoint as well, that perhaps it is our love for others that makes them beautiful. Because Belly loves her so much, Susannah is as beautiful as Belly perceives her to be. This is a generous way to view those she loves, but it also prevents Belly from acknowledging others’ faults at times. An example of this comes later when Susannah reveals that she has been hiding her illness from her children and loved ones all summer, causing immense pain to her sons. Here, Belly has not yet learned this information and therefore has not yet confronted the lesson that those she loves can still cause harm, and it does not necessarily have to tarnish her love of them.

“‘Don’t do anything stupid, all right?’ He said it in this really meaningful way like he was trying to tell me something important, like I was supposed to understand.”

Steven urges Belly to make good choices before he leaves Cousins Beach for the summer. Steven, though often an antagonist to Belly, understands his sister and sees the changes she is going through as she grows up. Belly gets the sense from his warning that it is not merely one of his jokes but that he is trying to communicate to her in earnest. This quote implies that Steven understands the emotional landscape Belly navigates with Jeremiah and Conrad and wants to warn her to tread lightly. He may already be aware of Jeremiah’s and Conrad’s romantic feelings for Belly and worries that her unwavering love for Conrad (and Conrad’s emotional unavailability) may cause harm to everyone involved.

“There were a lot of things that could happen between now and then. It occurred to me that I was going to have to make the most of this summer, really make it count, in case there wasn’t another one quite like it. After all, I would be sixteen soon. I was getting older too. Things couldn’t say the same forever.”

Belly thinks about how this summer may be the last one where all the kids are together at Cousins Beach as everyone starts taking diverging paths. Belly also includes herself in this, thinking she is also getting older and experiencing changes that cannot be reversed. Belly concludes that she will need to make the most of this summer, which solidifies her interest in pursuing romance and having experiences that validate her desire for others to see her as mature and grown up.

“Conrad gave me this look, the kind of look I bet soldiers give each other when they’re teaming up against somebody else. It was like we were in it together.”

In a flashback, Belly recalls when Conrad stuck up for her against Steven and Jeremiah. This moment is one of many throughout the years that solidified Belly’s love of Conrad and shows that Belly’s feelings for Conrad began partly because of his willingness to see her and treat her kindly. While Belly is used to Jeremiah and Steven teasing and tormenting her, she views Conrad as someone willing to stick up for her and treat her like she is worth noticing. By comparing herself and Conrad to soldiers teaming up against an enemy, Belly suggests that they are equals or teammates, a unified front against an encroaching force. Belly feels stronger with Conrad’s support, and this is what, in part, makes her fall in love with him.

“I’d always hated the name Belly—partly because it wasn’t even a real name. It was a child’s nickname, not a real name at all. On the other hand, Isabel was the name of an exotic girl who went to places like Morocco and Mozambique, wore red nail polish year-round, and had dark bangs. Belly was the kind of name that conjured up images of plump children or men in undershirts.”

Belly explains the origins of her nickname to Cam and her disdain for it. This quote illustrates Belly’s desire for others to see her as a mature, worldly adult. She believes that her nickname undermines this goal and instead invites images of baby and beer bellies. However, she makes no real attempt to have anyone call her anything other than “Belly,” despite her dislike for the name. This suggests that Belly does not really identify with her real name, “Isabel.” She does identify with the exotic images that the name Isabel conjures. Belly suggests that she still views herself as a “Belly,” as someone young and childish, despite her desire for others to see her differently.

“I unraveled the other braid and hit him on the shoulder. In my head I heard Conrad go, Ooh, you’re hitting him now. Way to flirt, Belly, way to flirt. Even when he wasn’t there, he was there.”

As Belly becomes more comfortable flirting with Cam, her thoughts unconsciously shift to Conrad. Conrad even influences her subconscious mind, indicating her strong feelings for him. Even when she is flirting with Cam—a boy she finds attractive and enjoys spending time with—her feelings about Conrad influence her thoughts and actions. Belly remains insecure about feeling younger or more immature compared to the boys, even as she reaches the cusp of adulthood and maturity. Belly is growing up and finding a romantic connection with someone, but she internalizes Conrad’s perception of her as young or immature, and it hinders her ability to give herself fully to the relationship with Cam.

“It was like Conrad and Jeremiah had deemed him unworthy and so I had to too. It was funny how I’d felt so close to him just a few minutes before.”

Conrad and Jeremiah have an enormous influence over Belly’s thoughts and feelings. After Jeremiah teases Cam about his name, Belly feels embarrassed by Cam instead of defending him. As Conrad and Jeremiah tease Cam, Belly pulls away from him because she feels more connected to and aligned with the Fisher boys. Belly is aware of this influence but is unable to extricate her own emotions from them.

“That’s when Jeremiah came back, opened the door, slammed it shut. This moment between us, fragile and tenuous, snapped in half. It was over. It would do no good to wonder what he was going to say. Moments, when lost, can’t be found again. They’re just gone.”

Just before Jeremiah returns to the car, Belly and Conrad share a tense moment in which he plays with her hair from the backseat and begins to tell her something. Belly feels the weight of this moment and of what goes unsaid between them but tries to dismiss it when it is over. She tries to tell herself that Conrad, who is drunk, cannot be held accountable for anything he does or says at that moment and that moments pass quickly and cannot be brought back once gone.

“The thing was, whether he was pushing me away or pulling me toward him, I was still going in the same direction. Toward Conrad.”

Evoking subtle imagery of the ocean tides, Belly suggests that Conrad is the invisible force that shapes her movement and decisions. Conrad’s moodiness during this summer has hurt Belly and caused her to question their bond and connection, but even as she tries to move on to others with more stable patterns of behavior, she cannot help but be caught in Conrad’s orbit. Their connection remains strong, even as Conrad tries to sever it with his dismissive and harsh treatment of Belly.

“So this was my supposed power over her, my supposed innocence over her supposed sluttiness. It was all such BS. I would’ve traded my spot for hers in a second.”

Belly reveals her inner feelings regarding the summer she brought her friend, Taylor, to visit Cousins Beach. Belly struggles with comparing herself to Taylor, whom Belly believes is prettier and more knowledgeable about boys. Belly also is jealous of Taylor’s flirting with Conrad and Jeremiah. When Belly discovers Taylor kissing Steven, Belly yells at Taylor and calls her behavior “slutty.” Belly has true anger toward Taylor’s actions that summer, and she still feels jealous of Taylor. Belly’s only way of regaining a sense of power in the relationship is to highlight her “innocence” while dismissing Taylor’s sexual experience as “slutty,” even though Belly would love to have the experiences and attention from boys that Taylor receives.

“The problem was, I didn’t entirely know. I guessed it was mostly the way he was making me feel all mixed-up inside. Being nice to me one minute and cold the next. He made me remember things I didn’t want to remember. Not now. Things were really going well with Cam, but every time I thought I was sure about him, Conrad would look at me a certain way, or twirl me, or call me Bells, and it all went to crap.”

Conrad asks Belly why she is so angry at him, forcing Belly to confront her lingering feelings for him, despite her growing relationship with Cam. Even though things are going well with Cam, whenever Conrad gives her the slightest attention, Belly finds herself immediately drawn back into her feelings for him. Conrad’s actions are unfair as he continues to hold Belly’s emotions on a string, but Belly gives Conrad power over her emotions that prevents her from being truly emotionally available to anyone else.

“Because the truth was, when I looked at Conrad, all I felt was a yearning that never went away. It was the same as it had always been. Here I had this really great guy who actually liked me, and deep down inside I was still hung up on Conrad. There, that was the real truth. I had never really let go.”

After their movie night, Cam asks Belly if she only invited him over to make Conrad jealous. While Belly is not consciously aware of this, her behavior during the evening suggests this was the case. For instance, she only gave Cam physical affection when Conrad was nearby. Belly acknowledges that her behavior was unfair to Cam, especially since Cam has genuine feelings for her. Despite this, her heart truly remains enmeshed with Conrad, so much so that Belly cannot pursue any other relationship fully.

“The hugeness of it all made it hard to breathe. I could barely look at him. Because I didn’t. I didn’t see him that way. There was only one person. For me that person was Conrad.”

Jeremiah admits his romantic feelings for Belly, which causes a seismic shift in their relationship and Belly’s reality. Despite their close friendship, Belly has only ever viewed him as a friend, as her feelings for Conrad obfuscate all other romantic possibilities. Belly describes Jeremiah’s confession in terms of its “hugeness,” indicating its profound impact on her relationship with the Fisher brothers and how their relationship will never be the same. Belly shows respect for Jeremiah in this scene in that she admits that her feelings for Conrad have not gone away and that, for her, there remains only room for her feelings for Conrad.

“Now it was my turn. I couldn’t go another whole year not having told him. I’d been so afraid of change, of anything tipping our little summer sailboat—but Jeremiah had already done that, and look, we were still alive. [...] I had to do it, because to not do it would kill me. I couldn’t keep yearning for something, for someone who might or might not like me back. I had to know for sure. Now or never.”

Jeremiah’s confession enables Belly to decide to admit her feelings to Conrad. Until then, Belly has desired to keep things the same and avoid the change that would come with such a confession, even if it was torturous to her. When Jeremiah admits his feelings, Belly senses a shift that allows her to take a similar risk, even if the outcome is unfavorable. This quote also relates to Belly’s sense of impending change and that this summer needs to be one that she will never forget, even if the memory that stays with her is painful.

“I walked back to my room. It was the first time I’d ever gotten the last word with Conrad. I had done it. I had finally let him go. It felt like freedom, but freedom bought at some bloody, terrible price. It didn’t feel good.”

Conrad assumes that Belly and Jeremiah slept together after the brothers’ fistfight and Susannah’s confession that she is sick again. When Conrad sees Belly exit his brother’s room, he treats her cruelly, and something snaps in Belly. She tells him that she cannot believe she ever loved him and feels like she has finally extricated herself from her feelings of love for him. Instead of feeling liberated, though, Belly feels this new freedom is painful and burdensome. She is angry with Conrad while maintaining empathy for him as she now understands the depths of his pain. For once, Belly chooses self-preservation over her feelings for Conrad, showing him that his treatment of others does not come without consequences, even if his understandable pain drives his actions.

“‘You’ll look after him, won’t you?’ ‘Who?’ I could feel her cheeks form into a smile. ‘You know who.’ ‘Yes,’ I whispered, still holding on tight. ‘Good,’ she said, sighing. ‘He needs you.’ I didn’t ask who ‘he’ was. I didn’t need to.”

Belly and Susannah speak for the first time since she reveals her cancer is back. Though this goes unspoken in their conversation, Susannah asks that Belly look out for Conrad after she is gone. Susannah has always said that she feels Belly is meant to end up with one of her boys. Throughout the text, Belly suggests that Susannah is aware of Belly’s feelings for Conrad and approves of their potential relationship. In this exchange, Susannah again reiterates that she wants Belly and Conrad to end up together, even though she does not say which of her boys she is talking about. Susannah may be talking about both of her sons, as Belly is important to both of them. Despite Belly’s deep affection for both brothers, it is Conrad she loves, and therefore Susannah asks that Belly look after him after her death.

“I felt that old lurch, that gravitational pull, that desire to inhabit him—like wherever he was in this world, I would know where to find him, and I would do it. I would find him and take him home. I would take care of him, just like Susannah wanted.”

After her conversation with Susannah, Belly finds Conrad on the beach. Despite her anger toward Conrad for his treatment of others this past summer, she feels an enduring pull toward him. She explains that an invisible force of gravity pulls her toward him and that this connection endures over time and space. Her love of Conrad takes on a new dimension after her conversation with Susannah: Now, Belly loves Conrad not only because of their enduring connection but also because of her desire to honor Susannah’s wishes, which is another powerful force in Belly’s life.

“I kept getting caught in this current—first love, I mean. First, love kept making me come back to this, to him. He still took my breath away, just being near him. I had been lying to myself the night before, thinking I was free, thinking I had let him go. It didn’t matter what he said or did, I’d never let him go.”

Belly explains the powerful hold first love has over her and how this powerful current will continue to shape the course of her life long after this summer. At another point in the text, she states that even if she ends up marrying and having children (presumably with someone other than Conrad), part of her heart will always belong to him because of the power of first love. She realizes at this moment, too, that she was mistaken to think that she had let him go and that she could never stop loving him. Beyond Conrad himself, it is first love that keeps Belly in his orbit.