The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy

In their original form, the four horsemen of the apocalypse appear in the final book of the Bible, the Book of Revelation, and signal the end of the known world after God decides to destroy the corrupt ruling powers.

However, for the Gottmans’ purposes, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are metaphors for the qualities that spell the death of relationships. These are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. The Love Prescription focuses principally on two of the qualities: criticism and contempt.

While criticism often begins with identifying a specific action or behavior, it then escalates into an attack on our partner’s character as a whole. This typically happens when we begin statements with “You always” or “You never.” The Gottmans show how criticism often rears its head when we cannot positively express our needs to our partner. Thus, the suppressed wish of what we personally need transforms into criticism, which is far more destructive because our partner feels attacked and pushed to take a defensive position. Criticism is also harmful because it tips the balance of interactions we have with our partner in favor of the negative, souring the relationship. Criticism can be countered by actively appreciating our partner and by positively owning and expressing our needs, thereby allowing our partners to show up for us.

Contempt is the horseman who often comes riding in on the path criticism has paved. It is a sustained feeling of low estimation for one’s partner, which is akin to loathing. It is often expressed through cruel words and dismissive statements. The Gottmans consider contempt the most destructive horseman and “deadly poison for a relationship” (68). The data they have gathered shows that contempt is not only the leading predictor of divorce but a drain on mental and physical health. Contempt can be kept in check by “scanning for the positive instead of for the negative” (68), searching for things we admire about our partners, and relating this admiration.

Bids for connection occur when one partner signals to another that they would like their attention and positive regard, in the form of either a verbal or tactile gesture or an expression of emotion. Each bid is an invitation for the receiving partner to pause what they are doing and respond. Partners can respond in one of three ways: They can turn toward, positively acknowledging the bid and responding in an emotionally satisfying manner; they can turn away, ignoring the bid and continuing with whatever was previously occupying their attention; or they can turn against and reproach their partner for interrupting them.

While no one is capable of turning toward 100% of the time, the Gottmans’ research shows that it is vital we do so most of the time. Otherwise, grudges build, over time causing a rift in a marriage, as partners think their spouses do not care for them. The data supports this, as couples who divorced in the Gottmans’ study of 130 newlyweds only turned toward their partners’ bids 33% of the time, whereas those who stayed together did so 86% of the time.

Once they have established the benefits of turning toward, the Gottmans show how easy it is to do so in the course of a day, advocating that simple habits can be changed for a more loving result. For example, “[L]ooking up from that urgent work email to listen to a minor anecdote about what the baby did with his lunchtime sweet potatoes, in the end, matters more” (10). This example invites readers to find similar ones in their day-to-day routine and think about how being more responsive in small matters can have an outsized result.