The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy

Prior to the late 20th-century trend of secularization and the formation of nuclear families that lived apart from an extended familial network, marital problems were fielded to religious leaders and family elders. However, following those demographic shifts and the increase of divorce since the 1960s, with statistics indicating that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, relationship counsel has become a profession and a field of research.

Psychologists Eli J. Finkel, Jeffry A. Simpson, and Paul W. Eastwick perceive that while relationships have been a preoccupation for poets, philosophers, and religious leaders throughout human history, “the coalescence of an integrated science devoted to understanding human relationships dates back only to the 1980s” (Finkel, Eli J., et al. “The Psychology of Close Relationships: Fourteen Core Principles.” Annual Review of Psychology, vol. 68, Jan. 2017, pp. 383-411). Relationship science has since become “an interdisciplinary field that employs diverse empirical methods to understand the initiation, development, maintenance, and dissolution of interpersonal relationships” (Finkel). The field examines “the structure and trajectory of relationships” in studying how the dynamics and outcomes of a relationship are influenced by both personal and contextual factors, stemming from society at large (Finkel). Thus, rather than dealing with relationships on a case-by-case basis and administering advice based on an individual’s personal or religious reviews, as occurred with the earlier, casual formats of marital advice, contemporary relationship science uses the empirical tools of observation, quantification, and comparison to draw its conclusions.

Early pioneers in the field of relationship science include family therapist Virginia Satir, who, in her 1960s books about marriage, identified the structural problems that were at the root of marital breakdowns. Since then, many psychologists have contributed to the field; however, the Gottmans stand out for their sustained scientific approach, summarized in their statement: “For the past fifty years, we’ve been putting love under the microscope” (xi). This in part stemmed from trained mathematician John’s feeling that love could be modeled alongside other biological phenomena, such as tumor formation. Over time, the couple’s gathering of empirical data as part of their joint ventures, the Love Lab (founded in 1986) and the Gottman Institute (1996) gave them confidence that they could write prescriptions for what makes love succeed and fail. The Love Prescription embodies this, entailing a seven-day method akin to a regime determined by a medical doctor. From their research, the couple is confident that their approach will succeed across sexualities, ethnicities, and cultural and economic backgrounds. On their website, they reference the need to continually keep updating their research to ensure its relevance, and in a video Julie affirms the promotion of science over instinct, promising, “Nothing we advise you to do will be based on our opinion or speculation” (Gottman, Julie. “The Gottman Method.” The Gottman Institute, 2023). Nevertheless, over the course of their book, the Gottmans attest that there is a free-flowing exchange between their research and their experience as a married couple. Sometimes the findings of their research will impact their marriage, whereas at other times an insight on how to improve their own dynamic influences how they approach their experiments.

Sarah Whitton, Behavioral Health Center director and University of Cincinnati professor, thinks of John Gottman as “kind of like the godfather of some of the most foundational pieces of what are in relationship interventions today” (Pearson). However, she argues that some of his statements seem too “simplified” and “sweeping” and that other therapists might “say things much more tentatively” (Pearson). Additionally, other popular relationship therapists have come to different conclusions about similar topics. For example, whereas the Gottmans cite studies indicating that couples who have more physical touch in their relationships have more intimacy and sex, relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel maintains in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) that physical contact and intimacy can be barriers to sexual passion. She argues that maintaining distance and a sense of one’s partner’s mystery are what keep long-term couples sexually interested in each other. Gottman refutes Perel’s claim, pointing to empirical studies that show how physical distance destroys sex lives, while cuddling is a catalyst for more erotic forms of physical intimacy (Gottman, John. “Building a Great Sex Life Is Not Rocket Science.” The Gottman Institute, 2023). Still, while Gottman and Perel are pitted against each other on the internet as gurus with opposite forms of wisdom, in reality their findings overlap in many areas. For example, Perel shares the Gottmans’ advice that people should pay attention to the specifics that turn their partners on, while the Gottmans’ idea of asking one’s partner big questions in order to discover more about them echoes Perel’s sentiment that a desirable lover is one who can still surprise us.