The Light We Lost

“I’ll always remember that passage because I’ve wondered so many times since that day whether you and I were fated to meet in Kramer’s Shakespeare seminar. Whether it’s destiny or decision that has kept us connected all these years. Or a combination of both, taking the current when it serves.”

Lucy refers to a quote from Julius Caesar that her professor recited during the Shakespeare seminar where she met Gabe. The quote includes words spoken by Brutus about fate. Throughout the novel, Lucy debates with herself whether it is fate that keeps her life intertwined with Gabe’s, or if it is choices the two of them make. This is the basis of the theme Freewill or Fate and Lucy’s conclusion in the final chapters of the novel.

“That’s how I felt the day I met you. Kissing you in the middle of tragedy and death felt completely right and absolutely wrong at the same time. But I concentrated on the part that felt right, the way I always do.”

The motif of September 11, 2001 and the War on Terror sets a backdrop for the plot that intertwines tragedy and darkness with the excitement and light of a romantic relationship. Lucy will forever associate Gabe with September 11 and the tragedy of that day. September 11 also defines Gabe’s profession as he travels the world and documents the results of the War on Terror. This motif also touches on Lucy’s determination to see only the good parts of Gabe and her relationship with him. She only saw the light in Gabe despite the dark that surrounded every aspect of their intertwined lives.

’I’ll never act like your dreams are disposable.”

Gabe witnessed his father disrespecting his mother’s dreams, so he makes this promise to Lucy. This will become an issue when Gabe’s dreams take him away from Lucy, effectively ending their romance. As a result of this statement, Lucy does not fight to keep Gabe from his dreams. Later, in Lucy’s relationship with Darren, this moment reemerges when she feels that Darren does not respect her dreams the way Gabe did. There are many times when Lucy compares Darren to Gabe, but this is the most common theme of her doubts.

“We had no barriers on September 11th—we revealed our secret selves to each other right away. And you can’t ever take that back. But that night it wasn’t enough. I needed more from you. I needed understanding and honesty and compromise. I needed commitment. It wasn’t even worth fighting anymore.”

Lucy and Gabe’s relationship begins on the day of the worst terror attack in human history. This causes them to feel their mortality and share things with each other they might not have shared. It also leads to a connection that burns hot when they reunite over a year later. However, when Gabe realizes his dream is to document the pain and suffering of people all around the world affected by the War on Terror, they are pulled apart. Neither wants to keep the other from living their dream. At the same time, September 11 inspires them to do something meaningful with their lives, adding to Gabe’s drive to become a photojournalist. Gabe keeps his job offer from Lucy, touching on the theme Secrets and Surprises, leading to her angry response to his announcement. On that night, she feels betrayed and as though Gabe has not made her priority in his life. Rather than fight him, she lets him go because she believes he is not committed to her.

“He wasn’t you, but he was clever, he was handsome, he made me laugh…and he wanted me. And he made me forget about you, at least for a little while.”

Here are Lucy’s thoughts on deciding to go to dinner with Darren Maxwell. Her thoughts illustrate the anger and pain she still feels from Gabe’s departure. Importantly, Darren wants her. This makes it clear that she felt Gabe did not want her enough to stay, even though they both promised they would not get in the way of the other’s dreams. However, Lucy’s opinion of Darren does not compare to her instant attraction to Gabe. Her relationship with Darren is on a different level and does burn as hotly as her relationship with Gabe did.

“Wherever he was at the party, his eyes kept coming back to me, as if he was making sure I was okay, making sure I was still there. I remembered going to parties with you, my eyes roaming the room for you the way Darren’s were for me. It was nice, the change in roles.”

Lucy compares Darren to Gabe many times in the novel. At this point, the comparison lands in Darren’s favor, making Lucy feel as though Darren is more committed to her than Gabe ever was. Lucy’s impression of Darren at this point also showcases her borderline obsession over Gabe and how Darren’s affection for her has the same obsessive quality to it. This foreshadows events later in the novel when Darren attempts to exert control over Lucy. This moment also foreshadows the moment when Lucy’s mother points out that one partner often loves more than the other in relationships. Lucy appears to be that partner in her relationship with Gabe, while Darren appears to be that partner in his relationship with Lucy.

“I wasn’t ready to think about the future yet. But I couldn’t help thinking that whatever woman ended up with Darren would be lucky. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be me.”

Throughout her relationship with Darren, Lucy has doubts. At this point, they have only been dating a few months, and despite having a good time at her brother’s wedding, Lucy’s thoughts directly contradict what is going on around her. This thought comes on the tail of Darren telling a relative of Lucy’s that he would be lucky to marry her one day. Darren is already thinking of the future, of the life they could have together, while Lucy is still struggling with whether or not she likes Darren. This disparity between their feelings for one another is a continuing element of their relationship.

“What I wanted to say was: I’m more than adorable. What I wanted to say was: I need you to understand how important my career is to me. What I wanted to say was: I need you to love me because of that, not in spite of it. But so much about Darren was wonderful and he was apologizing—he didn’t mean to hurt me. Besides, he was a smart guy. I figured in time he’d understand.”

Throughout her relationship with Darren, Lucy has doubts and misgivings, including her concerns that Darren does not take her career seriously. He belittles her career aspirations by calling them “adorable,” showing his old-fashioned opinions on the roles of women in the workplace and at home. While his words hurt Lucy, she never tells Darren how she feels, and this leads to a battle after their first child is born and Lucy chooses to go back to work. Lucy expects Darren to just figure this issue out on his own, something the plot reveals he does begin to understand toward the end of the novel. This is a weakness in Lucy’s character that creates issues in her marriage that could have easily been avoided.

“I didn’t want to cheat on Darren, and I don’t think I would have, but I did find myself slightly disappointed that you didn’t try. A kiss sliding from my cheek to my lips, a hand on my thigh. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if you had. Would it have changed anything? Would it have changed everything?”

The subjectivity of the first-person point of view shines through clearly throughout the plot. Here, Lucy looks back on events that have already taken place and comments on them based on events that have not yet been revealed to the reader. In this instance, Lucy reveals her longing for Gabe at a time when her relationship with Darren is growing and leading toward marriage. She might not have admitted this truth to herself at the time. Lucy openly wonders if anything would have changed, had Gabe attempted to seduce her at this early point in her relationship with Darren. At the same time, her thoughts about this meeting reveal the doubts she harbors regarding her relationship with Darren in the shadow of her lingering feelings for Gabe.

“I thought about how wonderful you made me feel, but also how awful. How you cared so much more about yourself than you did about us. How in the end, your life was The Gabe Show, and to keep you I would’ve had to play the supporting actress to the star.”

Lucy describes her thoughts of Gabe on her wedding day and why she chose to go through with her marriage to Darren. This is the first time Lucy openly blames Gabe for their breakup, suggesting he was selfish to follow his dreams rather than remain with her. Exploring Lucy’s character in these thoughts, it is possible to see contradictions, such as the fact that Lucy did not attempt to find a way she and Gabe could remain together when he accepted the Associated Press job. This quote contradicts Lucy’s own thoughts and actions, as it is convenient for her to accept Gabe’s selfishness on the morning of her wedding.

“’I don’t know,’ you said. ‘On some days I think I would have been happier if I’d never tried photography at all. I think I was proud of my pursuit, proud of doing something important. But it’s been really hard. It’s taken a lot out of me. But…I don’t know. Maybe I’m not the kind of person who will ever be happy. Maybe I’m not the man I hoped I was.’”

Gabe shows a level of depression that escalates as the plot develops. After Violet’s birth, Gabe visits with Lucy and reveals his fear that he will never be happy. Lucy brushes his words off as a reaction to his recent split from his fiancée. But his comments earlier in their relationship, in which he talks about being fearful of being a miserable man like his father had been, give new meaning to this quote. Gabe begins as a charming, carefree young man, but as he witnesses the horrors of war, his perspective on the world changes, and so does his perspective on his own character. Gabe witnesses Lucy’s happy, well-adjusted life, and it is clear that he feels some envy and a lot of regret for not taking his chance with her.

“I didn’t feel joy in bin Laden’s death, but I felt relief. I felt whole, like his death completed a puzzle that had been left unfinished since 2001. I think you did too.”

Santopolo set this novel against the background of September 11, 2001. Throughout the story, she reveals her timeline through major events within the War on Terror, including the operation that ended in the death of Osama bin Laden. The mention of these events interlaces the darkness of terrorism and war with the romantic triangle that is the focus of the plot. These events often bring Gabe and Lucy back together in small and large ways, such as this moment when Lucy’s thoughts go directly to Gabe because she shared with him the terror of September 11, 2001.

“The U.S. embassy was bombed in Kabul. My thoughts went to you. I grabbed my phone before I could even think straight.”

This is another event that is part of the timeline of the War on Terror. The idea that Gabe could be injured in one of these terrorist attacks weighs heavily on Lucy. There are many of these events mentioned within the plot, and each time Lucy reaches out to Gabe to make sure he is still alive. These moments add an element of danger to the plot and foreshadow the possibility that Gabe can and will be injured in a violent attack.

“But Kate got me thinking: Sometimes my life with Darren did feel stale. And stale can lead to something worse if it goes unchecked.”

Lucy admits that her marriage has become stale after a conversation with her best friend who feels the same thing about her own marriage. This moment gives a deeper snapshot into Lucy and Darren’s marriage at this point in the plot, but it also foreshadows the “something worse” Lucy mentions in this quote. A marriage that is no longer exciting could lead to arguments, distance, and infidelity, an issue that will become a complication of Lucy’s marriage later in the plot.

“Which is probably why when I saw a woman’s name—Linda—appear on Darren’s phone the week we were both off from work between Christmas and New Year’s Day, my mind immediately went to an affair. The way people interpret a situation often says more about them than it does about the situation.”

Lucy suspects Darren of an affair because of an unfamiliar woman’s name on his phone. She appears to understand that this is ironic given the fact that she has been secretly pining after Gabe her entire relationship with Darren. She jumps to this conclusion because she knows that if Gabe were to offer her the opportunity, she likely would have cheated on Darren. Therefore, this statement is a reflection on Lucy’s perspective on her own marriage that foreshadows events still to come.

“Timing is everything. That’s something I’ve learned. With work, with friends, with romantic relationships—with us in particular.”

Lucy takes a cliché and uses it to her advantage. She learns that Gabe is coming to town during a period when she is unhappy with her marriage because she mistakenly believes Darren is having an affair—the “good timing.” If Gabe had chosen to come to town a few days later, their trust may have been avoided. This again shows Lucy’s character as she uses time, something beyond her control, to explain her bad actions rather than take responsibility for them.

“There are so many kinds of secrets. The sweet ones you want to savor like candy, the grenades that have the potential to destroy your world, and the exciting ones that are more fun the more you share them. Even though our secret was a grenade, it still felt sweet to me.”

Exploring the theme of secrets and surprises, Lucy reflects on the types of secrets people might keep. Forgetting the fact that she believes her husband is keeping a secret affair from her, she indulges in one of her own. Lucy shows hypocrisy in her behavior by responding to the hurt and betrayal of her husband’s affair by having her own affair. Previously, she wondered how Darren could rest so peacefully while keeping such a secret, but she is reveling in her own secret, loving the way it feels. This touches again on the idea of how perception changes the way a person views a certain situation. She is now on both sides of the same coin and clearly views it very differently from each side.

“For all those months I let myself believe he was cheating on me. I created a new image of who Darren was, what he wanted, how he betrayed me; I thought I’d understood what was happening. I’d thought I understood him in a way he’d never understood me. But I didn’t. Not at all.”

Lucy’s sense of reality is turned upside down a second time when she learns that the secret Darren was keeping from her was a huge romantic gesture for their anniversary. Once again, the book touches on the idea of perception being altered by a person’s experience and point of view, as Lucy struggles to realize she remade Darren in the image of a lie. Lucy’s excuse for becoming intimate with Gabe again is based on a falsehood. This potentially hurts Gabe, Darren, her children, and Lucy by redefining her identity as a wife and mother.

“’I love you, too, Gabe.’ I did, I do. I always have. I realized that then. I love Darren, too, but what you and I have is different. If I’d never met you, maybe Darren would be enough. But I’ve taken a bite of the forbidden fruit. I’ve eaten from the tree of knowledge. I’ve seen how much more there is.

“I knew I’d have to forget that, ignore what could be. Because I like Gabe better didn’t seem like an acceptable reason to destroy my marriage with a good, generous man. I didn’t seem like an acceptable reason to do that to my kids.”

All through the novel, Lucy has felt caught between exciting, dynamic, charming Gabe and kind, gentle, thoughtful Darren. One is hot and intense, the other a slow burn. However, Gabe’s career as a photojournalist has kept enough distance between them that Lucy was never forced to make a real choice. In this climactic moment, she is finally in a position to make that choice. At the same time, Gabe makes a choice that foreshadows the penultimate moment that created the structure of this novel: the moment when Lucy is in a hospital room telling her story to Gabe and making a decision she never could have envisioned.

“I’m not sure if I believe her about either of those things. I don’t like the idea that God had this plan for you. And I can think of instances where having a child may not be a blessing. But her belief and her quiet strength, they helped. There is an element of peace in believing that we’re only players on a stage acting out stories directed by someone else.”

The theme of Freewill or Fate emerges here as Lucy contemplates the idea that God planned for Lucy and Gabe to fall in love, and for Gabe to become injured and require Lucy’s intervention. If she believes in fate, then that is exactly what has happened here; fate brought them together and has chosen to separate them in a dark and tragic way. Lucy is like any other person who experiences a tragedy: She is looking for someone or something to blame for her pain and uncertainty when, like so many things in life, there really is no explanation.

“Mr. Samson is brain-dead. A powerful wave of nausea swept through me. I looked frantically around the room for a garbage pail and lunged toward the one in the corner, just as I started to dry heave. Brain-dead. Brain is dead. Dead. You were gone. Forever. My body was rejecting that, rejecting everything.”

The novel has foreshadowed that something will happen to Gabe that requires Lucy to sit with him and tell him their story. Comments made throughout the novel make it clear that Gabe is incapable of answering back, but there has been no hint as to why this might be. In this moment in a hospital in Jerusalem, Lucy reveals what happened to Gabe. Lucy’s physical reaction to the news reveals a depth of feeling that has been revealed and discussed, but not as powerfully shown until this moment. There is a connection between Lucy and Gabe that is unbreakable, and this moment underscores that fact.

“I took another deep breath. I couldn’t believe I was asking this. ‘How far along does a pregnancy have to be before you can do a paternity test?’”

The novel centers on a love triangle. However, with this question, Lucy underscores the fact that her relationship with Gabe has the potential of hurting her two children with Darren and now this unborn baby as well. Lucy’s reckless decision to be intimate with Gabe while under the misconception that Darren was also unfaithful to her has left the possibility that this child is not Darren’s.

“The nurse who was in here when I arrived said that you could hear me. I know what Dr. Shamir said about your brain, but the nurse said to talk to you anyway, and so I did. I am.

“I’ve told you our story. I’ve asked you questions you’ll never be able to answer. I let you know about the baby. The baby might be ours. Or might not.

I don’t know what would be worse—if it is, or if it isn’t.”

Lucy’s desperation to let Gabe know if the baby is his or not stems from her guilt of not telling him about her pregnancy before he returned to Gaza City. This behavior is in keeping with Lucy’s character. When something bad happens, she tends to focus on something outside of the situation, such as when Gabe hid from her the possibility that he might go to work for the Associated Press. In this instance, she is so focused on the idea that knowing he was going to be a father might have stopped Gabe from being in Gaza City that she is determined to make sure he knows before he is removed from life support. The same way Darren has kept secrets from Lucy in an attempt to surprise her with gifts and trips, Lucy kept the pregnancy from Gabe to spare him the possibility of altering his life for a child that might not be his.