The Family Crucible: The Intense Experience of Family Therapy

“But however faulty, the family counts on the familiarity and predictability of their world. If they are going to turn loose this painful predictability and attempt to reorganize themselves, they need firm external support. The family crucible must have a shape, a form, a discipline of sorts, and the therapist has to provide it. The family has to know whether we can provide it, and so they test us.”

Napier draws on simile and metaphor to describe the nature of therapy and the difficulties that families face in confronting the need for change in their carefully crafted lives. A family relies on the way they have always been, and changing the entire structure of a family is a daunting task. The family must therefore be assured that the therapist is up to it.

“The whole family stumbled into an approach that called into question some of their most basic assumptions about individual autonomy, about causation and motivation in human relationships, and about the nature of psychological growth.”

Family therapy was a developing field in the 1970s, and families who underwent this new process were part of a learning curve for therapists as well as courageous in their decision to try something not yet well researched. The family structure must be undone and reworked, and this is done by examining unconscious processes in each individual member.

“The individual is part of a vastly complex chain of influence.”

The mind and actions of a person are influenced not only by themselves and their immediate surroundings, but by past events, families of origin, the wider community, and society itself. The therapist’s job is not necessarily to address every sphere of influence, but to give the individual or family the strength and resources to maintain their own personhood despite these influences.

“He sounded, in fact, half-dead, lost in a deep, discouraging struggle not just with his daughter, but with himself.”

Napier’s uses metaphor to describe David Brice’s emotional state. This literary language challenges the norms of medical and scientific writing that prize objectivity, but in this way Napier hopes to allow the reader to imagine and sense what David himself is experiencing.

“A family can go to see a therapist, or they can be ‘in therapy.’ This family was in therapy.”

Napier notes the subtle but important difference between simply attending therapy and actually being immersed in it. Because the Brice family became totally involved in therapy, it was more powerful and more effective as a solution.

“Something strange and disturbing was going on between mother and daughter. The more apathetic and discouraged Carolyn grew, the more enraged Claudia became.”

Napier often notices patterns and responses between family members that they do not notice themselves. This happens because he is in a somewhat objective position and can observe the family from the outside. Carolyn and Claudia are in the midst of a behavioral pattern and it takes an outsider to name it and explain it.

“Then she stared through the window at the afternoon sky. I watched her profile, the glare from the window catching the bright surface of tears streaming down her face. She didn’t make a single sound.”

There is profound imagery in some of Napier’s descriptions, particularly when he describes Carolyn, who is complex and deeply troubled in the early stages of therapy. In this passage, there is strong emotion and a poetic style that draws on both the visual and auditory senses.

“I think at that moment you were remembering, and afraid of, the mother you had when you were a little girl. Suddenly David wasn’t David to you anymore. He was Punishment, Criticism, Blame. And it’s very scary when that sort of thing happens.”

Napier and Whitaker have a way of explaining situations through metaphor, effectively turning the patients themselves into metaphors that illuminate the underlying themes of the book. The process of turning loved ones into concepts is common in couples and families, because unaddressed unconscious memories can influence how people view each other in the present.

“But I didn’t share Whitaker’s confidence about handling the situation this way. I found myself looking at the sharp edges of the heavy glass ashtray on the table beside Claudia. Then I saw the easily grasped contours of the small stone sculpture which Margaret had given me and which stood within inches of Carolyn. What a fine blunt instrument it would make, hurtling across the room!”

Napier and Whitaker do not always agree, but Whitaker is the certified therapist and leads the sessions. Occasionally, Napier becomes as uncomfortable as the family by what is occurring in the session, such as when Whitaker allows Claudia and Carolyn to rage at one another. It is in these passages that Napier seems particularly human as well, as he does not worry about admitting his own fears.

“Real caring, when it happens, is absolutely irresistible.”

Beneath the anger and fear that wreaks havoc on Claudia and Carolyn’s relationship, there is tenderness and love. Both have lost sight of this, but slowly find their way back to it as therapy progresses and they experience Growth Through Initiative, Insight, and Self-Awareness, rather than blaming one another.

“The collective—and creative—unconscious life of the family did all this, and this intuitive-unconscious group process, in collaboration finally with the therapists, is the real curative agent in family therapy.”

Napier takes Freud’s theory of the unconscious mind a step further by applying it to the “mind” of the family itself. The Interconnectedness of the Family goes far beyond the individual members and their relationships; it is in fact its own unique system, and families who are in tune with this are more likely to succeed in therapy.

“Like two exhausted birds hovering over an uncertain sea, he guilty, she ridden with self-doubt, they finally settled on a piece of flotsam from the wreckage of events. It was a tiny piece of physical reality: in his pocket, a matchbook cover bearing the name of a motel. All she really had to ask was: ‘Is it true?’”

Napier uses literary, descriptive language to tell the story of a married couple in which the wife discovers the husband’s affair. Napier’s use of metaphor and simile aims to make this emotional experience accessible to the reader, along with the underlying lessons behind it. Although Napier never writes the words “the husband had an affair,” the words he chooses instead imply it, reflecting how the event unfolded in real life.

“In this atmosphere of desperation, psychotherapy for the couple, or the lack of it, may hold the balance for the rest of their lives.”

Napier insists that couples who experience an affair hold a much better chance of healing from the damage if they enter family therapy and are given the tools and knowledge to sort out why it occurred. Napier also insists that no one person is responsible for an affair, and that discovering each person’s role in the relationship’s downfall can be the key to reconciliation.

“It is not enough for the therapist to be reasonable, benevolent, and mature. Only a strongly personal power can make the almost surgical incision through the family’s layers of denial and avoidance, exposing the profundity of their pain and the immensity of their power.”

According to Napier, only a certain type of person can consider themselves qualified to be a family therapist. There is a particular kind of courageous empathy that a family therapist has to have in order to be willing to plainly state what they observe and to take the leap into the unknown with the family.

“The timing of the remark, Carolyn’s mood, Whitaker’s tone of voice, the couple’s poised despair—all met with a precision that produced an almost audible click, as when the tumblers of a difficult lock fall into final combination. One knew that the door would open now and something important would emerge.”

In this metaphor, Napier provides strong imagery to illustrate the significance of this therapeutic moment. All of the pieces fall into place, which as Napier frequently explains, cannot occur intentionally. It is these therapeutic moments that define therapy as an instrument of change.

“The enthusiasm that Carolyn began to feel about herself was not purely an individual matter. She had been ‘elected’ to be the first person in the marriage to ‘abandon’ the search for marital harmony and to pursue instead, and at whatever cost, the search for self.”

Carolyn begins to experience a type of personal growth in which she finds her confidence, her personhood, and her courage. David stagnates and falls behind in this process, leaving him feeling intimidated and attempting to compensate in drastic ways. Carolyn’s process is not purely individual, as it is influenced by the family and affects the family.

“The more decisive question is whether at the time of marriage both individuals have passed through a certain psychological space in which they grappled with life alone, depended only on their own resources, and discovered that they could win the battle against their own fears.”

Napier insists that the most successful partnerships and marriages are between two people who are already confident in who they are and their ability to survive on their own. By being one’s own therapist, the need for reliance and dependency on a partner fades away, and they are thus able to enjoy one another as equals again.

“Couples can arrange themselves in all manner of complicated patterns around the themes of engulfment and abandonment.”

People unconsciously choose how their relationships unfold and how they respond to each other as a result. What afflicts many couples is either a fear of being abandoned or a fear of being smothered and losing oneself in the relationship. Napier believes that family therapy helps couples stay individuated while also learning to be closer to one another.

“Work with the divorcing family is so demanding and difficult that it will probably become a subspecialty as family therapy evolves.”

Napier’s prediction of divorce therapy as a specific form of therapy came to pass, as today divorce counselling is a popular and well-researched form of therapy that helps couples who are either in the midst of a divorce or who are still grappling with residual issues from their relationship long after the divorce. This form of counselling may also involve the children as part of the therapeutic process.

“Psychotherapy is a rhythmic process, and long pauses between interviews, like those during the hour itself, are always significant.”

Napier describes the process of therapy by comparing it to a musical piece. In a symphony, for example, pauses have meaning and purpose and usually lead to a more profound and powerful return to the music. In therapy, a similar pattern unfolds, in which long silences often lead to dramatic change.

“Then I realized that I had moved the focus away from David, as if I had also been anxious about his trying to be personal and had cooperated by taking him off the spot.”

Napier readily admits to his mistakes in therapy, both to reveal his human side and to illustrate that therapy is a continuous learning process. A therapist is not expected to be perfect, but is expected to be able to learn and grow from their errors to become a more effective guide.

“Then I realized that I had never seen the wounded, vulnerable part of my own father and that even though his death had made it impossible for me to cross that bridge, at least I could say something to this father.”

Therapy is not just for the patient, but also for the therapist. By engaging in family therapy, Napier is able to also examine his own unconscious processes and family of origin. He sees his own father in David, which explains why Napier often finds it difficult to interact with him. When David finally opens up and shows his emotion, Napier feels as though some of his past issues with his father are resolved, because progress has been made for someone just like him.

“After such a therapy experience, we carry it with us everywhere—a portable, interior family, always available.”

Napier feels that a therapist will be permanently changed by each patient they have, and this is especially true in family therapy, where the therapist becomes a part of the family. After seeing Claudia, Whitaker relates the updates to Napier, who initially regrets not having been able to see Claudia as well. He realizes, however, that Claudia’s continued growth will always be with him, and he will always be available to her should she seek out therapy again.