The Country Wife

In a brief Prologue, the actor playing Harry Horner introduces the play with a message from the playwright. He tells the audience that the playwright expects the audience to be offended by the play but “his play shan’t ask your leave to live” (37). In Act I, Horner enters with the Quack, a doctor, asking if the Quack has, as Horner instructed, spread the word that Horner has become impotent from the treatment of a venereal disease. The Quack reassures him that he has done so, and Horner’s recent trip to France makes the story more believable. The Quack muses, “Well, I’ have been hired by young gallants to belie ’em t’other way, but you are the first would be thought a man unfit for women” (39). Horner asserts that he is trying a new tactic for gaining the trust of women and their husbands, and “the wisest lawyer never discovers the merits of his cause till the trial” (39). A boy announces the arrival of Sir Jaspar, Lady Fidget (his wife), and Mrs. Dainty Fidget (his sister). In an aside, Jaspar notes Horner’s seeming disinterest in the women but tests him by suggesting that Horner kiss his wife hello. Horner refuses, claiming, “I make no more cuckolds sir” (41).

Horner insults Lady Fidget, and Jaspar laughs it off since Horner is supposedly a eunuch. Jaspar has to attend to business and leaves his wife with Horner, a once famous rake, because “[Horner]’s an innocent man now, you know” (42). Lady Fidget, still angry over Horner’s insult, refuses to stay, and the Fidget women leave. Horner tells Quack that the incident is proof that his plan worked since Jaspar allowed the women to stay in his presence. He goes on to explain that “women of quality […] are only chary of their reputations, not their persons, and ’tis scandal they would avoid, not men” (44). Husbands will believe that their wives are safe with Horner and women will be content that their reputations will be safe since Horner is, they believe, unable to compromise their virtue. The Quack leaves and Horner’s friends Frank Harcourt and Mr. Dorilant enter. Harcourt and Dorilant express sympathy for Horner’s supposed impotence, but Horner replies, “Well, a pox on love and wenching! Women serve but to keep a man from better company” (46).

Horner tells his friends that wine is better than love and that he can still enjoy “those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk and slovenly” (47). The boy announces that Master Sparkish has arrived at the house, whom Harcourt identifies as a fool: “A rogue that is fond of me, only I think for abusing him” (47). Dorilant disagrees, stating that Sparkish cannot comprehend that the men are mocking him. Horner points out the fact that Sparkish does not drink is another bonus to drinking wine since he will stop coming around. The three men describe Sparkish as someone who obnoxiously inserts himself into to social gatherings and ruins the fun because he thinks he is witty. Sparkish enters and makes fun of Horner for his impotence. He then asks the other men where they will all dine that night, since he “left at Whitehall an earl” (50) in order to eat with them, and the men suggest that he go back to the earl and push him out. Sparkish returns, and the men feign an inability to decide where to eat, so Sparkish, who doesn’t want to be too late to go to the theatre, decides to go and find his fiancée instead.

Sparkish leaves, and Pinchwife comes in. Pinchwife has been out of town and is sloppily dressed, which leads Horner to immediately deduce (correctly) that Pinchwife has gotten married. In an aside, Pinchwife exclaims that he had hoped to keep his new marriage a secret, adding, “Besides, I must give Sparkish tomorrow five thousand pound to lie with my sister” (53), since Sparkish is engaged to her. Pinchwife, a womanizer like Horner, admits that he has taken a country wife rather than a city wife. Not having heard about Horner’s rumored impotence, Pinchwife wants to keep his new wife, who is not worldly, away from Horner’s advances. Pinchwife tells Horner that his new wife is homely and simple, noting that a witty woman will only cheat on her husband or make him jealous. Pinchwife tells the men that they’ll never have the chance to meet and seduce his wife, and Horner reveals that he saw Pinchwife with an attractive woman at the theatre. Dorilant confirms that the woman was his wife, and Pinchwife becomes upset when Horner says, “She was exceedingly pretty; I was in love with her at a distance” (57). Jealous and worried, Pinchwife leaves, although the men attempt to convince him to stay and eat with them. Horner points out that love only leads to jealousy.