The Cost of Knowing

Alex and Talia drive away from the ice cream shop in his blue Geo Metro. A few weeks ago, Alex had a vision of his car’s future owner, a white married man, drowning in the vehicle. He was so upset by the vision that he canceled his plans to go swimming with Talia and went home. During the drive, Talia takes off her hat, revealing that she’s dyed her hair electric blue. Alex pretends to be surprised when he already knew she would dye her hair blue because of his visions and is scared that the change represents another step closer to their breakup. It starts to rain, and the weather reminds them of Shaun, Talia’s brother and Alex’s best friend, who died three years ago. Talia asks Alex if he’ll visit Shaun’s grave with her that night. Alex can’t put his grief into words, so he uses the excuse that he’s too tired to accompany her.

Alex lives with Aunt Mackie, who is a prominent Chicago real estate agent, in a gated community called Santiam Estates. On their way to Aunt Mackie’s home, Talia and Alex pass a house with a yellow door and pink hydrangeas, and he recalls his girlfriend mentioning that she hopes the two of them can one day have a home like that. Talia and Alex find Aunt Mackie looking through old photo albums in the dining room. Some of their neighbors, the Zaccaris, are protesting an upcoming concert by a rapper named Shiv Skeptic, also known as the Black Dragon. Alex and Talia would both love to attend the concert, but he avoids crowds because of his anxiety, and she can’t afford tickets because she lives with her single mother who struggles to make ends meet on disability checks. Aunt Mackie accidentally knocks one of the albums to the floor, and Alex retrieves a fallen photo of his family at a Chicago Bulls game that was taken a week before the accident. He recalls how joyful and kind his parents were and how he and his brother both had “a light in [their] eyes that’s gone now” (41). Alex’s 12-year-old brother, Isaiah, is increasingly closed off, and Alex feels that the only thing they have in common is the “aching empty space where [their] parents used to be” (33). As Alex holds the photo, he sees himself putting the photo on Isaiah’s casket.

That night, a sleepless Alex tosses and turns as he ponders his brother’s fate. Based on his visions, Alex believes that Isaiah will die in a matter of days. Although he convinced himself long ago that attempting to change the future is futile, he feels “adrenaline coursing through [him] like there’s some way to fight this” (48). When Alex was 13, he had a vision of Shaun dying in a car crash on a day with torrential rain. Afraid and unable to tell his best friend what he knew, Alex avoided Shaun the last days of his friend’s life. His guilt at leaving his best friend alone prevents him from visiting Shaun’s grave with Talia. Determined not to make the same mistake twice, Alex resolves to make sure that Isaiah doesn’t feel alone in his final days even if there’s nothing that he can do to prevent his brother’s death. However, he’s unsure how to bring his little brother joy when Isaiah secludes himself from everyone and seems to hate the world.

Early in the morning, Alex decides to check on Isaiah. As he leaves his bedroom, he sees the new door Aunt Mackie installed the week before. He laments the loss of his old door, where he kept a collection of stickers from all his favorite bands and artists, including Logic, Kendrick, Panic! at the Disco, and Shiv Skeptic. When Alex enters Isaiah’s room, he is surprised to see his little brother is still awake. After their parents’ death, Isaiah and Alex rarely spent time together unless they were playing with Shaun, and the brothers’ relationship disintegrated after he died. Alex apologizes for not being a good big brother, expresses his desire to make things right, and offers to drive Isaiah anywhere he wants to go. Although Isaiah is initially defensive and insulting, he eventually asks Alex to take him to the cemetery where their parents are buried.

During the drive to the cemetery, Alex turns to his usual sanctuary from awkward conversations and anxious thoughts: music. The brothers are astonished to learn that they have the same favorite artist, Shiv Skeptic. They happily rap along to some of Shiv’s songs together. Alex considers touching Isaiah to learn more details about his imminent death but decides he’d rather focus on the present. Alex apologizes for not knowing more about his brother, and Isaiah answers that he still has time to get to know him. Isaiah shares that he wants to be a rapper when he grows up, which is why he spends so much time composing songs with a phone game called BeatBall. On their way out of Santiam Estates, the boys see Mrs. Zaccari, who warns them that the Shiv Skeptic concert means they’ll “get all kinds of people around here” and then invites them over for cookies later (70).

Isaiah knows his way around the cemetery because he visits it frequently when his aunt and brother are asleep. Alex knows how dangerous it is to be “Black and out walking, at night, in the wrong neighborhood” (75), but he promises not to tell their aunt. Alex hasn’t been to his parents’ graves since their funeral, and he reflects on how he isolated himself after they died and when his visions started. Through tears, Isaiah explains that he has visions in which he relives the day his parents died over and over and sees all the things he could have done differently to prevent the car crash. He can also see the memories and regrets of the people around him. His room is the only place where he doesn’t receive visions. Alex divulges that he can see the future.

Alex takes a sick day so that he can have more time with his brother. Even though he believes he has the right priorities, he still feels guilty. Partly, this is because his father once told him, “Son, a man’s not a man without his paycheck” (95). Alex decides to start thinking about what he wants for himself. On the drive back home, Isaiah asks if they can rid themselves of their curse. Alex isn’t certain that this is possible. When he was 14, he was once so desperate to stop his visions that he cut part of the skin off his thumb, but even that didn’t work. Nonetheless, Alex promises Isaiah that he’ll try to break their curse.