The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

Bungay Stanier argues that when delving into a problem with an employee, a manager should proceed under the assumption that the real problem is not usually the first thing brought up. While he recognizes a degree of behavioral conditioning in a manager’s urge to rectify a problem, he advises them to resist, as this behavior breeds codependency. Instead, the manager should ask the question, “What’s the real challenge here for you?” The “for you” draws out reflection from the recipient, keeping the focus on them and their problems. When the real problem is drawn out, the manager can help fix it rather than waste time on other issues.

Bungay Stanier presents hypothetical scenarios in which the real problem is sometimes buried. An astute manager will allow their employee to speak their mind, and reestablish focus as necessary. Bungay Stanier mentions three obstacles called “Foggy-fiers” (86)—proliferation of challenges, coaching the ghost, and abstractions and generalizations. The first Foggy-fier, proliferation of challenges, is likened to popcorn; one pop leads to the next and so on. What starts out as a single problem becomes a launching pad for other problems. In such situations, Bungay Stanier recommends asking “What’s the real challenge here for you?” as a means of keeping an employee focused on the real problem. The second Foggy-fier, coaching the ghost, happens when an employee who has issues with another employee vents about that employee. When a third party is brought into the conversation, they should focus on the aggrieved employee rather than let the conversation become gossip. The third Foggy-fier, abstractions and generalizations, are vague by definition. While these conversations can be interesting or even educational, Bungay Stanier suggests asking, again, “What’s the real challenge here for you?” as this helps focus on specific, concrete issues that can be solved. He revisits the discussion on coaching performance and coaching development, and says that asking “What’s the real challenge here for you?” is an example of the latter because it leads employees away from complaints and toward solving problems themselves. He offers three tips to ensure the question is effectively employed: Firstly, the manager should have confidence that they are being useful in asking the question; secondly, the manager should know when the question is and is not appropriate to ask; and thirdly, the manager should use “And what else?” when necessary.

The workbook section follows the same pattern as the others. Bungay Stanier identifies the habit of trying to solve others’ problems as more of an impulse, suggesting that “coming up with ways to fix things feels more comfortable than sitting in the ambiguity of trying to figure out the challenge” (95). Once one’s trigger is identified, it can be replaced by “What is the real challenge here for you?” The final section of the chapter, “From the Box of Crayons Lab,” digs deeper into psychologist Barry Schwartz’s paradox of choice.

Too much choice can have negative consequences; therefore, limiting choice has potential benefits including the reduction of stress in decision-making. Bungay Stanier cites research that proves adding “for you” to questions elicits answers faster and more accurately; for example, adding “to you” to a math problem increases the likelihood of a correct answer.