The Braggart Soldier

A self-satisfied Pyrgopolynices enters, and Palaestrio follows. The soldier has sent the mercenaries he hired for the king with Artotrogus, his parasite, to lead them while Pyrgopolynices is free to relax. Palaestrio gives Pyrgopolynices the ring, stating that it is from “a lively lady who adores you and who longs to have your handsome handsomeness” (31). He tells an intrigued Pyrgopolynices that the young woman is a slave, and both “wife and widow” for “she is young, her husband’s old!” (32). Palaestrio tells Pyrgopolynices that she is the wife of his old neighbor, and is desperate for the soldier and for escape from her husband. Pyrgopolynices pauses, as the presence of Philocomasium is a hindrance. Palaestrio quickly informs him that Philocomasium’s mother and twin sister haved just traveled from Athens to take her back. Pyrgopolynices is thrilled at this serendipitous excuse to be rid of Philocomasium.

Palaestrio suggests that in order to send Philocomasium away without hurting her feelings, Pyrgopolynices should allow her to take all of the fine jewelry and fancy clothing he bought her. The soldier agrees. Milphidippa enters from the neighbor’s house. The soldier admires her, but Palaestrio asserts that she is a “chimpanzee— – a harpy beside her mistress!” (33). The two men listen as Milphidippa expresses her hope that no man will interfere while her mistress sneaks next door because her mistress is “burning for his body. How she loves that man— – too beautiful, too too magnificent, the soldier Pyrgopolynices” (33). Pyrgopolynices notes that the maid must love him too. The soldier tells Palaestrio that he’s very interested in the mistress and that the maid “whets his appetite for love” (34). Palaestrio warns the soldier not to fall for the maid, as Palaestrio loves her. If Pyrgopolynices marries the mistress, Palaestrio will also marry the maid.

Pyrgopolynices urges Palaestrio to approach Milphidippa, who is looking for the man whom she is meant to meet. Palaestrio makes himself known, proving that he is the man she seeks by mentioning the ring. Milphidippa tells Palaestrio that she believes him, asking “Are there spies hereabouts?” (34). Palaestrio replies, “We’re both with and without” (34), indicating Pyrgopolynices. Milphidippa insists that she must speak to Palaestrio in private, to which Pyrgopolynices asks indignantly, “What of me— – hey explain— – must I stand here in vain, looking fiery, fierce…fascinating?” (35). Palaestrio tells the soldier to stand where he can be seen while Palaestrio makes arrangements for him. Out of earshot, Milphidippa asks Palaestrio what she should do next. Palaestrio tells her to flatter the soldier, pretending to be burning for him. Pyrgopolynices becomes impatient, and Palaestrio returns to him.

Palaestrio tells the soldier that Milphidippa’s mistress has been reduced to tears:, “Ffor she’s crazy about you and can’t live without you, so she sent her maid on this mission” (35). The soldier tells Palaestrio to allow the mistress to come to him, but Palaestrio advises the soldier to be aloof, to “act more defiant, disdainful of this proposition” (36). Pyrgopolynices pretends to be indifferent, and Milphidippa prostrates herself, proclaiming, “O beauty so beaming!” (36). Pyrgopolynices replies, “What a clever young dame— – she remembers my name” (36). The soldier tells her, “May the gods grant whatever you’re dreaming” (36), and Milphidippa tells him that she dreams of becoming the soldier’s wife. When the soldier rebuffs her, the maid clarifies, “Oh, it is not my desire— – it’s for my mistress I woo— – she’s just dying for you” (36). The soldier resists, insisting that thousands of women burn for him. Milphidippa responds with heaping flattery, calling the soldier “godlike” (36). Palaestrio agrees, “He’s not human— – you’re right, no debating” (36). Milphidippa begs the soldier to pay attention to her mistress while Pyrgopolynices feigns boredom.

Palaestrio tells Milphidippa that she must give the soldier a reward for his attention, exclaiming, “He can’t give his seed to just any old breed— – it’s too valuable not to be hoarded!” (37). The maid offers cash, but Pyrgopolynices responds that he has “wealth beyond measure: Ssilver too, not in pounds, no, not even in mounds, but in mountains, like Aetna— – or higher” (37). Milphidippa notes in an aside, “Oh, ye gods, how he’s lying!” (37). Milphidippa continues to plead, and Pyrgopolynices acquiesces. Milphidippa asks Palaestrio in an aside how she’s doing. Palaestrio confesses that he can barely hold back his laughter. As Pyrgopolynices pontificates about the “great honor” (38) he is bestowing upon her mistress, Palaestrio adds that “the women he lies with he fecundifies with real heroes— – and would you believe it— – the children he rears live for eight hundred years” (38). Milphidippa struggles to avoid snickering, and Pyrgopolynices corrects Palaestrio, claiming that, “there are many who live a millennium— – from age to age without dying!” (38).

The soldier sends Milphidippa to retrieve her mistress, suddenly concerned about Philocomasium. Palaestrio repeats that he should let Philocomasium keep her clothing and jewelry and go back to Athens with her mother and twin sister. Pyrgopolynices “lecherously” inquires if the twin is attractive, then with “more lechery” adds, “Where did she say the mother is?” (39). Palaestrio tries to dampen his interest, claiming that the mother is “aboard the ship, in bed with swollen eyes” (39) according to the ship’s skipper. Pyrgopolynices demands to know if the skipper is attractive, and Palaestrio tells him to stop. Pyrgopolynices tells Palaestrio that he would prefer if Palaestrio would inform Philocomasium that she must leave, but Palaestrio insists that the soldier do it. Pyrgopolynices rushes off to do so.

Acroteleutium enters from Periplectomenus’s house, with Milphidippa and Pleusicles. Milphidippa asks Palaestrio how the plot is going, calling him an architect. He demurs, “Why, compared to you, my talent couldn’t bang two boards together” (40). Palaestrio tells the three that Pyrgopolynices is inside begging Philocomasium to take the jewelry and clothing and return to Athens. Palaestrio urges them to remain alert. Acroteleutium is to tell the soldier that she divorced her husband and kept the house, and that Periplectomenus has already left. Palaestrio advises, “Act as if you’re too ashamed to place your beauty near his own” (41), and Acroteleutium promises an impeccable performance. Palaestrio tells Pleusicles that he must disguise himself as the skipper, pretending that Philocomasium’s mother sent him to retrieve her daughter and to hurry, as the ship will leave soon with or without her. Palaestrio assumes that the soldier will send him to escort her, and then they can all depart for Athens. Pleusicles promises that when they return, Palaestrio will no longer be a slave as Pleusicles will immediately set him free immediately.

As all prepare to carry out the rest of the plot, Pyrgopolynices returns, very pleased with himself. The soldier tells Palaestrio that Philocomasium resisted, claiming to love him. TIn order to convince her to leave, Pyrgopolynices had to promise to give her Palaestrio. Palaestrio theatrically claims that he is sorry to leave the soldier, but that he trusts the gods as well as Pyrgopolynices. As Pyrgopolynices becomes impatient, Acroteleutium reenters with Milphidippa. She tells her maid, “All right, by Pollux, now’s the time for bad girls to be worse girls” (43). The two women speak loudly so that the soldier can hear them swooning over him, and thanking the gods for his attention. Acroteleutium admits that she fears the soldier will see her and change his mind. She swears that if he will not marry her, she will kill herself.

Pyrgopolynices asserts, “I must prevent that woman’s death” (44), and starts to approach them. Palaestrio stops him, reminding him to remain coy. Acroteleutium pretends to faint from love and the soldier’s absence. Milphidippa admits, “[I]if you’d let me, I would love him more than you do!” (46). Pyrgopolynices claims that all women fall for him because Venus was his grandmother. The soldier basks in their adoration, and Milphidippa approaches him, claiming that her mistress loves him so much that she cannot speak in his presence. Milphidippa tells Pyrgopolynices that he must go to her house, reassuring him that she has evicted her husband but kept the domicile as part of her dowry. Milphidippa leads Acroteleutium back into the house.

Before he can follow the women, Pyrgopolynices spots Pleusicles dressed ridiculously as a sailor, complete with an absurd eyepatch. Aside, Pleusicles comments, “If I were not aware how many others have done awful things because of love, I’d be afraid to march around dressed like this to win my love” (47). In an accent, Pleusicles complains about waiting for Philocomasium. Pyrgopolynices tells him that she is packed and ready, sending Palaestrio to find others to help load the ship. Pyrgopolynices asks Pleusicles about the eyepatch, and Pleusicles responds, “It’s like this: the ocean caused me to use this eye less. And yet were it not for dev-otion, I could use it now” (48). Palaestrio emerges from the house with a weeping Philocomasium. Pleusicles recites, “They beseech you…come ahead…the wind is fair…the sails are full. If your mother’s eyes were better, she’d have come along with me” (48). Philocomasium replies, “Though I long to stay, one must obey one’s mother” (48). To Pleusicles, the soldier confides, “If she hadn’t lived with me, she’d be a half-wit to this day!” (48).

Philocomasium stages an elaborate and emotional farewell to the soldier, ending with a dramatic faint. Pleusicles carries his “unconscious” beloved, and Palaestrio pretends to be sad to leave as well. The slave performs his own tearful goodbye as servants carry the soldier’s riches away to the ship. Finally, with a grin, Palaestrio leaves. Pyrgopolynices muses, “Till today I always thought he was the worst of slaves. Now I see he was devoted to me. When I think it over, I was foolish giving him away” (52). The soldier starts for his neighbor’s door. A slave boy appears from the house, dramatically announcing that he will find the soldier. Locating Pyrgopolynices, the boy sends the soldier into the house. To the audience, the slave boy explains that the soldier has “trapped himself, caught in his own devices” (52). Periplectomenus waits in the house to attack “this lecher who’s so loud about his loveliness, who thinks that every woman loves him at first sight, when they really detest him, men as well as women. Now I’ll rejoin the uproar— – there’s a shout inside!” (52).