Thank You for Smoking

“The name Mod Squad was not a reference to the 1960s TV show about a trio of hip, racially and sexually integrated undercover cops, but an acronym for ‘Merchants of Death.’ Since they consisted of the chief spokespeople for the tobacco, alcohol, and firearms industries, it seemed to fit. Nick said they might as well call themselves that since it was surely the name the press would give them if they ever got wind of their little circle.”

The Mod Squad is Nick’s only reliable set of friends and advisors, mostly because each of them represents a controversial but profitable industry: tobacco, alcohol, and firearms. Each of their organizations has adopted a euphemistic name to conceal their true advocacy purposes. They constantly complain that there is never any good news about the products they represent. Journalists contact them immediately when anything negative involving their industries becomes news. As Nick reveals, the pressures they share come not only from legislators, public outcry, and the media but also from within their organizations, which expect them to perform miracles to secure public acceptance of the industries they represent.

“Discreet as the Mod Squad was, from time to time they invited other spokesmen to lunch to promote camaraderie among the despised. Their guests had come from such groups as the Society for Humane Treatment of Calves, representing the veal industry, the Friends of Dolphins, formerly the Pacific Tuna Fishermen’s Association, the American Highway Safety Association, representing the triple trailer truckers, the Land Enrichment Foundation, formerly the Coalition for The Responsible Disposal of Radioactive Waste; others.”

Buckley uses these fictional organizations to demonstrate the propensity of lobby groups to misname themselves, ironically making it sound as if they support those causes—young cattle, dolphins, interstate drivers, and environmentalists—that their industries endanger. The three Mod Squad organizations likewise have chosen names intended to distract the public from their actual purposes. Polly represents the Moderation Council, which lobbies for the alcoholic beverage industry, and Bobby Jay is a lobbyist for SAFETY, a gun owners’ rights group. These misnomers symbolize in miniature The Manipulation of the Truth for Corporate Gain.

“‘Good to see you,’ he said mendaciously. He didn’t especially enjoy being singled out for silent contempt by the headmaster of a school whose parents included Persian Gulf emirs and members of Congress. For $11,742 a year, the Reverend Josiah Griggs could park his attitude in his narthex.”

Buckley repeatedly points out that virtually everyone detests Nick because of his job. Griggs, the Episcopal headmaster of St. Euthanasius, the private school attended by Nick’s only child, Joey, quietly scorns Nick until he approaches him to ask for a tobacco industry donation. The only individuals in the novel who do not express disgust for Nick are those, like Griggs, who want something from him. Nick ironically reflects that congressmen and super rich oil barons have as much to feel ashamed about as he does.

“Nick cut them off with ‘Look, we’re all on the same side, here,’ a statement so dazzling that it left them mute. When they finally rejoined that they could not find one square inch of common ground between their humanitarianism and the fiendish endeavors of the tobacco industry, Nick saw his opening and pounced. No one, he said, was more concerned about the problem of underage smoking than the tobacco companies. […]

‘As a matter of fact, we’re about to launch a five-million-dollar campaign aimed at persuading kids not to smoke,’ Nick said, ‘so I think our money is on the table.’”

This is one of Nick’s pinnacle moments of spin doctoring: Having just learned BR intends to replace him with Jeannette and tricked by Oprah into sitting beside a teenager dying of lung cancer on a live program, Nick audaciously hooks the rage of a federal health employee, turning the panel into a Jerry Springer-type encounter through which Nick remains calm. Knowing he has nothing to lose and that the tobacco industry cannot back down from his proclamation, he multiplies BR’s $500,000 project to stop smoking by 10, reducing his opponents to silence and making the tobacco industry seem like responsible citizens. His effort forces BR to relent and causes the Captain to regard Nick as his long-desired son.

“There had been no mention of Nick’s five-million-dollar monkey wrench. Nick asked him about it.

The Captain nodded to himself thoughtfully. ‘That’s a significant amount of money, of course. I must say that you do seem to have a penchant for causing extremely large sums of money to be spent.’ […] The old man chuckled, ‘Well I don’t suppose five million dollars is going to bankrupt us. However, I do not expect to be swept off my feet by the persuasiveness of this particular advertising campaign.’”

Throughout his initial meeting with the Captain, Nick waits to be called to task for his audacious public claim that the tobacco industry is launching a $5 million anti-smoking campaign aimed at children. While this causes some consternation among industry leaders, even the adoring Captain, Nick confronts BR with the reality that Reynolds Tobacco spent $75,000,000 a year on their “Joe Camel” campaign that lures young people to smoke unfiltered Camel cigarettes. Working with his chosen Minnesota ad agency, Nick devises a campaign surreptitiously, cleverly intended not to discourage youth smoking.

“‘There are a lot of things,’ Nick sighed, ‘that the government doesn’t want people to know about tobacco. Such as […] the indisputable scientific fact that it retards the onset of Parkinson’s disease.’

‘So we should wait till we’re 65 and then start smoking like crazy?’

‘Well, Larry, we don’t advocate that anyone should take up smoking. We’re just here to provide the scientific facts.’”

On Larry King’s show, Nick spins federal and medical provider attacks on smoking as biases held by bureaucrats and doctors who want to maintain their funding. Having lied outright, saying 96% of heavy smokers never get seriously ill—and attributing that phony statistic to the Centers for Disease Control and National Institutes of Health—he goes on to imply that the government covers up multiple positive results of smoking. Stating that his organization never tells anyone to take up smoking, he duplicitously claims that his real interest is offering scientific insight. Buckley here shows Nick manipulating the truth for profit, even though he does not mention the tobacco industry and implies that his work is distinct from it.

“‘[M]y concern for you isn’t just warm and fuzzy feelings. Basically, I don’t want to lose you. And certainly not to some nutcase.’

[…]

‘So it’s settled. We’re putting security detail on you.’

‘Wait I didn’t agree to that.’

‘Nick, do you want to tell this to the Captain?’

‘But I get dozens, hundreds of threats. I’ve got a whole file labeled threats. It’s under T.’ […]

‘This is different. This was live, national—international—television. Even assuming the guy is just a crank, other people watching might get an idea. They’re called copycat killers, I think. Anyway, we’re just not prepared to take the chance.’”

There is a lot of foreshadowing in this passage. Nick warily notes how familiar Jeannette is with his schedule. When BR warns him about copycat killers, he is ironically describing his own plans to kidnap and kill Nick. The reader eventually learns that BR’s initial attempt to get rid of Nick fell through when he performed so well on Oprah’s program, forcing BR and Jeannette to find a more creative means to eliminate the now-valuable Nick. BR already has a group of assassins, Team B, just waiting for the word to kidnap and kill Nick.

“You recall President Broadbent liked to spend time with the boys, being a former marine and all. And I was in our van, monitoring the radio. […] [S]uddenly there was all this radio traffic about Rover choking to death on a bone. Rover being President Broadbent’s Secret Service code name, and the fact that at that very minute the President was in the mess hall having lunch with the boys, so I, you know...

[…]

And it turned out to be a different Rover that had choked to death.

[…]

A German short-haired pointer.”

During Nick’s initial interview with Heather Holloway, an investigative reporter for the Moon newspaper, she draws him into describing a controversy from his previous work, also as an investigative reporter. Heather uses this as a prod to draw personal material from him. Nick shares information that her readers will find dramatic yet also provides a slant that allows him to express his tobacco spin. They have a brief, sexual relationship. Throughout the narrative, Heather and Nick use each other: her to boost her attempt to land a more prestigious job and him to dispense precisely the news he wants to regarding himself and tobacco.

“By 1612, however, James I was having second thoughts. His exchequer was bursting at the bolts with the import duties on tobacco from the Virginia colony in the James River Valley. In fact, nothing further was heard from His Majesty ever again on the loathsome custome [sic]. And thus it has remained, in a way, even to the present day, as the U.S. government goes about like Captain Renaud in Rick’s Café shouting, ‘I’m shocked—shocked!’ while its trade representatives squeeze foreign governments—particularly Asian ones—to relax their own warning labels and tariffs and let in U.S. weed.”

In this multilayered passage, Buckley indirectly compares Rev. Griggs to one of the first Protestant monarchs, English King James I, the instigator of the King James Bible, who criticized tobacco until the sale of it boosted income for the British monarchy. Likewise, Griggs asks Nick for a financial gift from his Academy of Tobacco Studies, though presented under a different name: the Coalition for Health. Buckley notes that the federal government, while attacking tobacco use on one hand, stimulates it internationally on the other. He compares this to a scene in the movie Casablanca when the French police captain proclaims outrage that there is gambling in Rick’s Café just as he receives his evening’s winnings.

“He had had a very close call. The massive dosage of nicotine had caused a condition called paroxysmal atrial tachycardia, which he likened to driving along at 60 mph and suddenly shifting into first gear. The heart is asked to do things it wasn’t made to do, namely pump at an insanely fast rate. In the emergency room the PAT had degenerated into ventricular fibrillation […] Dr. Williams said that, ironically, it was his smoking that had probably saved him. That many patches on a nonsmoker would almost have certainly brought about cardiac arrest sooner.”

After his kidnapping and attempted murder, Nick focuses on zealous anti-smoking advocates, such as the one who threatened his life during his Larry King interview, as the culprits behind the crime. Readers may note that Jeannette called him just prior to his attack and knew precisely where he was. When he survives the murder attempt, both Jeannette and BR appear in his hospital room to praise, comfort, and assure him. As the narrative unfolds, readers recognize they did this, in true spin doctor fashion, to prevent anyone from suspecting them of having a part in the attack.

“They’re all still in awe of her and haven’t been able to get in a word edgewise. She’s quite a talker, apparently. Anyway, he thought you might take the opportunity to give her a little gospel so if she gets any hostile questions about the relationship, everyone will be singing off the same sheet of music. Stress diversity. Agglomerated isn’t just tobacco, it’s infant formula, frozen foods, industrial lubricants, air filters, bowling balls. You know the drill.”

The woman BR is discussing with Nick is Penelope Bent, a stand-in for British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. In this fictional treatment, Agglomerated Tobacco has signed her to a retainer, and the company expects her to say positive things about the tobacco industry. The reference to the various other consumer items produced by Agglomerated refers to a practice picked up by large tobacco companies in the 1980s, thinking investing in innocuous or even beneficial products would make them appear less toxic to the American consumer. For instance, in 1985, Reynolds Tobacco purchased the food giant Nabisco and became RJR Nabisco.

“‘My product puts away 475,000 people a year. That’s 1300 a day—’

[…]

‘So how many alcohol-related deaths a year? A hundred thousand, tops. Two hundred and seventy something a day. […] That’s probably how many people die every day from slipping on bars of soap in the bathtub.’

[…]

‘How many gun deaths a year in the US?’

[…]

‘Thirty a day,’ Nick said. ‘Hardly worth counting. No terrorist would bother with either of you.’”

This passage comes from a heated Mod Squad discussion in which Nick dismisses the potential danger faced by spokespeople for the alcohol and firearms industries, citing statistics that tobacco use takes the lives of at least four times as many individuals as alcohol and gun violence together. These statistics reflect the reality of 1994. The quote is noteworthy in that Nick tacitly admits that tobacco is extremely harmful to smokers’ health—to a much greater extent than alcohol or firearms—and the scope of the medical issues it creates is enormous.

“These were the smokers’ rights groups that had spontaneously popped up around the country as the anti-smoking movement had gathered momentum. They championed the rights of the oppressed smoker who couldn’t find a smoking section in a restaurant, or who had to leave his desk and go stand in the snow to have a cigarette. […]

In actual fact, there wasn’t really anything spontaneous about the rise of these groups. […] They were almost entirely funded by the Academy, with the money being laundered […] The whole operation cost next to nothing, relatively, and this way tobacco’s friends in the House and Senate could stand up and point to them as evidence of a groundswell.”

Buckley’s description of these faux grassroots movements mirrors the actuality of such groups in the mid-1990s, when bumper stickers and billboards appeared with slogans such as “I Smoke and I Vote,” “Tobacco Feeds My Family,” and “Smokers’ Rights.” The author points out that these smaller, seemingly unaffiliated groups could act in much more radical ways. While Nick constantly worries about giving the Academy bad press by being overzealous, the small pro-tobacco groups could act loudly because they had no apparent connection to the organized tobacco industry.

“However, Lady Bent, our people are very concerned that this group—which is still very much at large—might target you, and we would obviously feel awful if anything happened. So I’ve come to ask that in all your public and even private statements, you absolutely refrain from mentioning tobacco. Or, God forbid, from saying anything positive about it.”

This is an example of Nick using reverse psychology to manipulate an extremely unlikely individual, the politically astute former prime minister of England, who accepts retainer funds from the tobacco industry. Nick knows that the prime minister does not take orders from anyone, so telling her not to mention tobacco positively will have the opposite result. There is a double play on words here, as Lady Bent—a proxy for Margaret Thatcher—refers to Thatcher’s unbending, “Lady of Steel” persona and also to the fact that Nick successfully bends her.

“Nick had to ask it—out of collegial admiration, he just had to hear the answer: ‘You don’t have any problems with the health question?’

Jeff responded without hesitation: ‘I don’t have the answers on that. I’m not a doctor. I’m just a facilitator. All I do is bring creative people together. What information there is, is out there. People will decide for themselves. I can’t make decisions for them. It’s not my role. It would be morally presumptuous.’

‘Yes, right,’ Nick said. He was dazzled. The man was a titan of ambiguity. He could learn from this man.”

This exchange occurs when Nick meets with the ultimate Hollywood agent, Jeff Megall. Nick is astonished at Jeff’s ability to avoid the health issues of tobacco. Jeff implies that his interest in reintroducing tobacco favorably into motion pictures is out of concern for American tobacco farmers and not because he wants tobacco money. The ludicrous nature of this stands in contrast to the regal opulence of Jeff’s surroundings, which exceed those of Lady Bent. Never one to back down from a challenge, Nick ultimately manages to outmaneuver Jeff regarding the money it will cost to place smoking in a major upcoming picture.

“‘Whoa, Lorne. You can’t keep the money.’

‘Why the hell not?’

‘How’s that going to look? Denouncing us and then keeping it? It’s blood money. Look at it.’ They both stared at the bundles of $100 bills on the floor. Lot of money.

‘I’m going to have to talk this over with Roberta,’ Lutch said, shifting uneasily in his seat.”

Nick takes a briefcase with $500,000 in cash to the home of Lorne Lutch—a stand-in for Jerome Jackson, one of several “Marlboro Men” models who died of cigarette-related illnesses—at the request of the Captain. Rather than leaving the money wordlessly as instructed, Nick uses reverse psychology: He tells Lorne to summon reporters, show them the cash, denounce the shamelessness of the tobacco industry, and give the money to a cancer non-profit. Nick puts Lorne, who is terminally ill, in a difficult bind. Either he must expose the tobacco industry’s callous attempt at bribery—depriving his family of the money—or he must keep the money and remain silent about the evils of the industry.

“BR refused to reveal how, precisely, Gomez had come by this gruesome intelligence, but he did say that it was solid. Furthermore, he told Nick, Finisterre had gotten representative Lamont C. King of Texas—one of the more conservative boll weevils in the Congress—to co-sponsor the bill in the house. An odd couple. King loathed Finisterre; But Finisterre set on the Military Base Closings Commission.”

This passage refers to a discussion among tobacco industry insiders about a senator’s bill to put a skull and crossbones on every pack of cigarettes. Buckley uses this to reveal the various Sources of Influential Power at play in the narrative. Finisterre, a very liberal United States senator, uses his sway over military base closings to enlist a conservative Texas congressman to sponsor the bill in the House of Representatives. Meanwhile, the tobacco lobby plots ways to derail the bill. The political and industrial folks involved maintain secrecy from the news media, the other great power that can influence public opinion, until all these power brokers decide how they want to spin this news. Behind the scenes, Gomez O’Neal, a former federal agent, now spies on behalf of the tobacco industry. Buckley depicts all of these powerful groups as spying on one another.

“[W]e’re going to have to print up an awful lot of warning labels to cover all the things in life that might not be a hundred percent safe. […] [T]he real, demonstrated number one killer in America is cholesterol. I don’t know any scientist who would disagree with that. And here comes Senator Finisterre, whose fine and beautiful state is, I regret to have to say, clogging the nation’s arteries with Vermont cheddar cheese, with this proposal to plaster us with rat poison labels.

[…]

I’m sure that the tobacco industry would consent to having these labels put on our product, if he will acknowledge the tragic role that his product is playing, by putting the same warning labels on […] Vermont cheddar cheese.”

Each time Nick faces off against those who attack the tobacco industry, he prevails by confounding and often enraging them, thus enabling Nick—and, by extension, the tobacco industry—to seem rational and cooperative. In this case, being interviewed by Ted Koppel on the Nightline program with Senator Finisterre as another live guest, Nick minimizes tobacco’s lethality by saying many things in everyday life are dangerous, argues that cholesterol kills more people than tobacco, and points out that the Vermont senator’s home state produces a high-cholesterol product that should also have a skull-and-crossbones warning label.

“Nick knew all about Death cigarettes. Everyone at the Academy kept a pack, with its distinctive skull and bones logo, despite the fact that the industry’s official attitude toward Deaths was not exactly collegial. It was the perfect cigarette for the cynical age. […] What product advertised itself more honestly than that? The surgeon general’s warning on the side was positively ludicrous. And they were flying off the shelves, though their appeal tended to concentrate on young urbans for whom coughing up blood was still a sign of manhood.”

Buckley describes Nick’s thinking process in dealing with the soon-to-be-imposed skull-and-crossbones warning labels on cigarettes. Death cigarettes, a fictional product, appeal to the bravado of self-destructive young men. Nick realizes that the symbolic label can be created in such a way that it actually appeals to smokers. Ultimately, his Minnesota ad agency designs a startlingly appealing skull using Mr. Roger’s face as a template.

“‘How can you be sure it was Carlinsky?’

‘Because he told me he didn’t. Would you believe a lawyer who managed to get acquitted a man who sold radioactive waste as furniture-polish remover, the head of the Teamsters union, and that German they caught trying to resell that submarine to the Iraqis?’”

The narrative can be viewed as a study of the influence wielded by various groups: industry, government, media, intelligence providers, and, here, the legal profession. Enabling each of these groups behind the scenes are vast sources of money. Steve Carlinsky, as depicted by Buckley, has an almost magical ability to keep clients out of jail. This power turns against Nick when the Academy hires Carlinsky’s law firm, allowing Carlinsky to dump Nick as a client to avoid a conflict of interest. Recognizing he cannot raise the $1.5 million it will cost to defend himself, Nick ultimately decides to plead guilty despite being innocent of the charges against him.

“You know, when I hired him away from Allied Vending, we were up to our armpits in liability suits, and I told him I’d pay him a bonus for everyone that didn’t make it to trial. And three of the big ones didn’t make it to trial, on account of, you remember, they died from smoking in bed. BR made me pay him the bonuses even though those were accidents. Said a deal’s a deal.”

The Captain, sitting in his darkened room in the intensive care unit, explains to Nick why he hired BR to head the Academy. Hearing this, Nick realizes what the Captain suspects but cannot conscience: that BR has a group of people—Team B—who murdered several tobacco litigants. For each case that was dropped when the litigant died, BR received a $250,000 bonus. Buckley uses this exchange to posit the darkest side of the tobacco industry’s efforts to maintain their profit margins. To prevent the industry from receiving another black eye, the Captain goes on to suggest that Nick plead guilty to faking his own kidnapping, in return for which he will receive $10 million.

“The FBI, seeking revenge for Nick’s escape in the taxi, seemed to have convinced Akmal that Nick was an agent provocateur working for the Israelis, and had provided him with his phone number, address, mother’s maiden name, everything. What space was left on Nick’s answering machine tape after all the calls from reporters was taken up with abuse and threats from a number of people with Middle Eastern accents.”

The one element all Buckley’s characters have in common is an ethically challenged nature. No one is truly altruistic. Legislators, leaders of industry, lobbyists, and, as depicted here, peace officers all resort to unethical behavior either to achieve their ends or, as here, to seek revenge against those who have outmaneuvered them. In this case, by illegally giving Nick’s contact information to Akmal, the FBI agents enable the cab driver to seek revenge for Nick’s trickery.

“Most of what I do involves finding out stuff about people, and that I can do in my sleep. I like the hours, I like the pension plan, good medical, vacation. I like the whole package. But I do not like BR. And I like him even less now that he’s got the chairmanship. […] So I’m anticipating problems, and at this stage of my life, I’m just looking to put in a few more years and take early retirement.”

After a plethora of characters ask Nick why he does what he does, Nick finally questions the motives of another character: Gomez, the Academy’s information gatherer. Distilling his comments, Gomez essentially says that he, like Nick, is just trying to pay his mortgage and that he fears the BR and Jeannette will interfere with that. Thus, he shares information that Nick will use to trick Team B into assassinating BR.