Thank You for Smoking

Leaving the school, Nick loses his bodyguards, who are following him in another car. He receives a call from Jeannette and says he will be at the office in 10 minutes. He offers to buy her a cappuccino. As he waits for his cappuccinos in the building’s atrium, a large unhoused man approaches and asks for a quarter. The man follows Nick up the escalator. At the street level, he puts a gun to Nick’s back, forcing him into a black limousine. Immediately, Nick feels a hood placed over his head. His captors take him into a building, tie him to a chair, and remove his clothes. They cover his exposed skin with nicotine patches. Someone with a Hungarian accent who reminds Nick of late actor Peter Lorre identifies himself as the person who threatened Nick on Larry King Live. He taunts him about the evils of tobacco and says that after this, Nick will probably never want another cigarette.

Two US Park Police officers find Nick wandering near the Vietnam memorial, still covered with nicotine patches. Medics take him to a hospital, where he goes into ventricular fibrillation. They shock his heart back into sinus rhythm.

Nick wakes up in the hospital, dazed. When he wakes a second time, FBI agents Monmaney and Allman, unpleasant in their demeanors, repeatedly question him. Dr. Williams, Nick’s new cardiologist, explains the effects of the nicotine patches, which would have killed him if he had not been accustomed to nicotine from smoking.

Many visitors come to see him, including Polly, Bert, Joey, and, several times a day, Jeannette. BR comes as well, ordering everyone to treat Nick as a special patient. The Captain calls Nick, saying he has demanded that the FBI figure out who has done this to Nick. Heather comes in late at night and sits at the foot of his bed. Jeannette contacts him on the third day to say that Katie Couric wants to interview him on the Today show. Her live interview allows Nick to condemn nicotine patches and to say that he hopes the tobacco industry can work with those in society who are anti-smoking rather than resorting to violence.

When he gets out of the hospital, Nick’s coworkers welcome him like a wounded hero returning from war. BR gives a speech praising Nick effusively. Gomez O’Neal, the person in charge of finding out about tobacco opponents, asks Nick if he is going to quit smoking. When Nick tries to smoke a Camel, two puffs leave him disoriented. Carlton, the former FBI man who runs security at the Academy, goes through all the safety precautions everyone must now follow.

BR takes Nick aside and says, “Frankly, if I’d known that a kidnapping would result in this kind of coverage, I’d have kidnapped you myself” (124). BR tells him that Lady Penelope Bent, the former prime minister of England, is now a spokesperson for tobacco with a seven-figure annual retainer. He asks Nick to give her some pointers about how to deal with the press, which Nick finds pointless. BR asks Nick to visit Lorne when he goes out to California to meet super-agent Jeff Megall. Sven contacts Nick with ideas for the youth anti-smoking campaign. Their new motto is “Everything Your Parents Told You About Smoking Is Right” (125), which is a Trojan horse: The last three words are meant to attract young smokers.

Nick goes to Bert’s and meets Polly and Bobby Jay. They discuss Nick’s bodyguards and say that soon everyone in their industries will need bodyguards. They argue about whose industry is more lethal, with Nick demonstrating that smoking is by far the most dangerous. There is friction between Nick and Polly, who leaves early to go to a committee meeting. Bobby Jay tells Nick that Polly’s husband wants to try again, only in Lagos. Back at Nick’s office, Gomez tells Nick to watch his back.

As he prepares to call the Captain, Nick learns the Captain is in the hospital. They discuss the fact that Lady Bent is using the Captain’s private jet continually. The Captain wants Nick to talk to her about how to deal with the press, saying that she and Nick have had similar experiences with terrorists. The Captain also wants Nick to call on Lorne with a suitcase full of cash. Lorne has been appearing on many talk shows, saying he has only two months to live. The Captain wants him to stop telling people to stop smoking. Nick does not want to bribe Lorne, fearing that it will backfire.

After this conversation, the two FBI agents appear in Nick’s office once again and ask him several cryptic questions. Nick asks them why they are interrogating him. They make it seem like his new raise and his newfound positive publicity are suspicious.

Feeling romantic as a result of the stress that he has been under, Nick contacts Heather to ask if they can meet for supper. As he works, Jeannette comes into his office full of praise for his editorial work. She pitches an idea for a brand-new magazine aimed strictly at smokers called Inhale. As they brainstorm the idea, Gazelle interrupts. Jeannette asks if they can get together later in the evening to discuss her idea.

Since Heather cannot meet, Nick and Jeannette have supper together. Afterward, they go to Nick’s apartment. As they prepare to have sex, Jeannette turns out all the lights and puts on rubber gloves. She makes Nick open a box of condoms, saying, “It’s just, I’m so fecund” (147).

Early the next morning, BR calls Nick and tells him to fly to New York to counsel Lady Bent. Nick says he can, but he also must meet with the “puffers”: smokers’ rights groups holding their annual meeting in Washington. The tobacco industry secretly funds these groups: “So what if they were stooges. They didn’t know that” (150). The two FBI agents arrive at his office again. Because he does not have time to talk to them, they only ask him about the occasion when he announced that the president had choked to death. Afterward, Nick gladly greets the puffers. The auditorium is so full of smoke that he breaks down hacking and coughing. At the national airport, a stranger addresses Nick from behind in the men’s room, startling him when he imagines it is one of the kidnappers.

Nick meets with Lady Bent’s aristocratic male assistant and realizes no one has told her why Nick wants to speak with her. He surreptitiously takes the assistant into the restroom and says that everyone fears for Lady Bent’s life because she is working for tobacco. Lady Bent is indignant, saying she has never backed down from terrorists. Following this, news reports surface saying that she speaks highly of the tobacco industry. Heading to California the next day, Nick meets with Jeannette again in the evening.

Nick flies first class to Los Angeles, carrying an attaché case with $500,000 meant for Lorne. He sees several celebrities in the first-class section, including one woman who recognizes him and says she knows some good people who died from lung cancer. Nick quips, “No bad people” (159). In Los Angeles, he finds Mahmoud, a chauffeur sent by Jack Bein, waiting for him. He gets into a very long white limousine with his three bodyguards. Jack calls him via video phone in the car. When Nick arrives at his very exclusive hotel, Jack calls him again, asking for a second time if everything is okay. They send a massage therapist named Bernie, a beautiful young woman in a V-neck leotard. She gives him an extensive massage, talking to him all the while about how she has been swimming naked with dolphins. The next morning, Jack picks Nick up in his red Dodge Viper and drives him to Jeff’s office building, which is a mass of reflective glass. The interior is incredibly opulent, including a large fishpond full of expensive carp. Nick waits alongside Sean Connery while Jeff takes a phone call from the Sultan of Glutan, the richest man in the world.

When Nick enters Jeff’s office, he finds it is like a cathedral with a grand view of Los Angeles and the Pacific Ocean. They talk about placing cigarettes in upcoming motion pictures in such a way that they may be viewed positively. They discuss the negative placement of cigarettes in past movies and decide that a possible upcoming science fiction movie about the future, Message From Sector Six, would be a good vehicle. Jeff suggests that the industry launch a new brand of cigarettes, Sector Six, to go along with the movie.

Nick drives his rented Mustang to Lorne’s avocado ranch. Standing on the porch, he notices a lot of oxygen bottles. Someone puts a shotgun against his back and tells him to stand still. Lorne recognizes him when he turns around and invites him into the house, though his wife, Roberta, does not want him there.

They discuss their roles in the tobacco industry. Lorne asks Nick why he works for the Academy. Nick tells him he is there to bribe him, giving Lorne the briefcase full of cash so that he will feel too guilty to go on talk shows and criticize tobacco. Nick says he knows what Lorne will do: Accept the money, call CNN and say the tobacco industry tried to bribe him, and then give the money to the cancer ranch. Lorne hesitates, saying he needs to talk it over with Roberta. Nick learns the next day that Lorne has backed out of an appointment on a talk show and realizes he will keep the money for his family.

Nick meets with Jeff the next morning, learning that the stars of the science fiction film have agreed to smoke but want $25 million. Also, the Sultan of Glutan, a ruthless murderer of civilians, wants to finance the picture. Jeff wonders if the tobacco industry wants to engage with him. Nick tells him that the amount of money the stars want is out of line and that he will have to get approval.

When he gets back to his hotel, he has many urgent messages. The Captain tells him that Senator Finisterre is going to pass a bill requiring a skull and crossbones on every package of cigarettes and that Nick must return to Washington immediately. Heather, Polly, and Jeannette all mention that the FBI is investigating Nick as if he faked his own abduction. Jack excitedly tells Nick that they have worked out the deal with the actors and that Nick is invited to a meal with them at his home. Jack cannot believe it when Nick tells him there is an emergency and he must return to Washington.