Stuck In Neutral

Sean reflects on his time with his six other classmates in the Severely/Profoundly Handicapped Special Education Program at Shoreline. He makes a joke about one of the assistants, William, being a cruel psychopath, but then admits that William is a really nice, big, and strong fifty-year-old who once saved Shawn from falling out of his chair and cracking his skull on the floor, although Shawn’s arm got broken in the process. Shawn said William was just as nice after the incident, which had to be reported, adding “He’s not afraid of us retards” (38). Shawn also really likes the other assistant, Becky, who is gorgeous and young. Shawn sexualizes her constantly. Shawn is amazed that William doesn’t try to score with Becky, which makes him like William more. Mrs. Hare, the teacher, is old but “nice, patient, a little boring but real caring” (39).

Shawn describes the classroom as a zoo: all the students are incontinent—making the room smell bad—and prone to accidental self-harm and eating things they shouldn’t. They also vocalize constantly, making the classroom pretty loud. Shawn doesn’t think he’s better than his classmates, although he does think he’s the only secret genius. Shawn speaks about his usage of the word, retard: “We retards are retards only because normal people call us that” (41). Shawn talks about the irony of him being considered the dumbest kid in the class and describes some of the activities of his other classmates, some of whom can speak but can usually only say one or a handful of words. The classroom itself is a bizarre mix of educational materials and contraptions meant to restrain students.

Yesterday, Shawn’s dad showed up with a TV cameraman. He spoke with Mrs. Hare, and then sat down next to Shawn and began shooting. Shawn’s dad spoke about how much taxpayer money his son and his classmates were wasting “‘in programs designed to educate the uneducable’” (42-43). He spoke about how it cost $35,000 per year just to try to teach one kid like Shawn to tie his shoes. Shawn’s dad says he doesn’t know what to do, because he also thinks society shouldn’t just warehouse these kids.

Shawn has a seizure, and his laughter makes his dad stop talking. Shawn can grasp only bits and pieces of what his dad says about ending Shawn’s pain. His spirit tries to stick around but gets distracted by Becky’s breasts and vanilla cookies and playing basketball outside. Shawn says he knows it was irresponsible and he should have stayed to listen to his dad, but he couldn’t help it. By the time his spirit returns, his dad is leaving. Shawn remembers that this is the second time his father has spoken about ending his pain. Shawn gets angry that his father would talk about this because he’s barely around, but Shawn worries that soon his dad is actually going to kill him, not just talk about it. 

Shawn speaks about when his father left Shawn’s family, which he barely remembers because he was four years old. He remembers how he kept coughing food all over his father the last time he fed him, and his dad got really mad, blaming God. His mom tries to comfort Shawn, and then gets annoyed when his dad can’t handle it. After his dad leaves, his mom talks to her friend, Connie, about how Shawn’s dad is really just upset because he doesn’t know if Shawn’s aware or not, although she agrees with Connie that Sydney left because “‘he’s weak and cowardly’” (49).

Shawn talks about how his dad was a poet before he won the Pulitzer, which he dedicated to Shawn, and wonders if he knows something Shawn doesn’t about death. Shawn speaks about how both he and his dad have double-jointed thumbs, which no one else in his family shares. Every time his dad comes to visit, he bends his and Shawn’s thumbs backwards together, which is when Shawn feels the most loved by his dad: “Knowing that my dad loves me makes everything even more confusing…I almost trust him to know whether ‘ending’ my ‘pain’ would be the right thing to do. Almost” (50).

Shawn enjoys Cindy’s sleepovers with her friends, because they pretty much ignore him, pretending he’s invisible and changing in front of him. Shawn listens to all of their most private secrets. Tonight, the most attractive girl Cindy has ever brought home, Ally Williamson, is going to sleep over. She introduces herself to Shawn, speaking really slowly and loudly like people usually do when they meet him, but because she’s physically perfect to Shawn it doesn’t bother him like it usually does. Ally asks how Shawn is, and when Cindy explains that he doesn’t talk or understand what she’s saying, Ally tells Shawn to have a nice day: “Looking at Ally, listening to her, my stomach aches and is warm and safe all at once…I feel better than I’ve ever felt. I feel dizzy” (53).

In his oversize crib with wooden rails, Shawn thinks about girls, and Ally in particular. He stares at the African animal mobile hanging above his bed, which he has memorized: “I’ve put a lot of lying-here-staring-at-the-mobile time in my life. Even through the dark I can ‘see’ all the mobile’s features” (54). Shawn falls asleep and dreams of Ally and him sitting atop the Space Needle staring at the blaze of colors on the horizon, cornily professing their love to one another: “Even though I know I’m only dreaming, I feel so loving, I feel so loved…I begin to cry” (56).

Shawn wakes up to a fly on his face. Even though he is disgusted, he can’t do anything about it. He tries to think about his Ally dream to take his mind off the fly. His Ally dream makes him want to be in love, and makes him want to keep living, not just because he is afraid of what comes after death, but also because he wants to experience life. Shawn starts thinking about love, and how his parents love him but know nothing about him. He wonders if his parents would still be together if he had never been born, and if his siblings resent him for ruining the family: “For the first time in my life I’m thinking about being loved and being known somehow going together…I don’t want to die” (58). Shawn thinks that being loved and being known might save his life.