Still Me

“The rich do not live like you and me, Miss Louisa. And the New York rich...well, they do not live like anyone.”

Ashok tells Louisa this as he explains how the Gopniks do not personally do any grocery shopping. It serves to emphasize that not only are the upper class ensconced in a world that is far removed from a regular person’s reality, but the New York elite are a unique class by themselves.

“It was as if I were simply human armour—a portable barrier between Agnes and the rest of the world.”

Louisa describes how she feels on the job when accompanying Agnes out on her errands. In an instance of foreshadowing, this is exactly how Agnes later consciously uses Louisa in the book when she has her help Agnes run her affairs in secret as well as take the fall for her when Mr. Gopnik discovers the missing money from his account.

“You’re going to feel uncomfortable in your new world for a bit. It always does feel strange to be knocked out of your comfort zone. Will’s last letter echoed through me as if from a long distance.”

Will’s letters continue to be a source of comfort and direction for Louisa throughout the book. They show how Will continues to be a substantial presence in Louisa’s life, influencing her choices and attitudes even after he is long gone.

“It was a family home in name only. It felt like a workspace for me, Nathan, Ilaria, and an endless team of contractors, staff and hangers-on who traipsed through it from dawn until late into the evening.”

Louisa is amazed by the large team of people required to keep the Gopnik’s two-person home running. Her sense of the place feeling less like a home and more like a workspace serves to emphasize not just the lack of warmth but also the disproportionate amount of resources, human and capital, that are directed toward keeping the lives of the upper class running smoothly.

“Once we were all the same, you know? Now they say I can never know what their problems are. Because I am rich. Somehow I am not allowed to have problems.”

Agnes confides in Louisa about how her new life has led to distance between Agnes and her old friends. Even though she has found love and material comfort with Mr. Gopnik, Agnes still feels out of place—she doesn’t quite belong in his world, but she can’t return to her old one. This feeling of being trapped in the space between two worlds is something Louisa will also come to experience in time.

“These people may act nice, but ultimately you have to remember this is a power relationship. It’s a business transaction.”

Nathan reminds Louisa of her place within the Gopnik household when she expresses her disappointment at Agnes not having let her off early to spend time with Sam. While Louisa begins to imagine she has struck a real friendship with Agnes, people like Nathan and Ilaria, who have more experience working for families like the Gopniks, are well aware of the reality of their situation: They are nothing more than highly dispensable resources to the Gopniks, who will continue to hold the power within their dynamic, no matter how friendly the relationship seems.

“I beamed at him, but something about his expression troubled me. I thought he’d enjoy my little taxi-summoning flourish, but instead it was as if he suddenly didn’t recognize me.”

Louisa is proud of her freshly learned skill of whistling to hail a New York cab; however, Sam seems less impressed and more unsettled by this. Sam is beginning to see how much Louisa is already changing in the short while she has been in New York, and this growth makes him self-conscious and insecure of his own unexciting life back in England.

“The Lavery stood hushed and majestic overlooking the park, rising out of the noise and chaos of the city as if it were somehow above that kind of thing.”

The Lavery works as a symbol for the New York elite throughout the book. The description of the building here serves to highlight how the upper class exist in a world removed from the kind of life lived by a regular New Yorker.

“There was none of the gloss of Lower Manhattan, none of the purposeful aspiration that was shot through the very air of Midtown. The atmosphere here was scented with fried food and disillusionment.”

Upon her first visit to the neighborhood, Louisa observes how different Washington Heights is to Midtown New York. This visit opens her eyes to a very different class of people who inhabit the city, those who struggle with far more substantial problems than the New York elite and yet share a far greater sense of connection and community among themselves.

“You gotta have your places for community. […] You gotta have places where people can meet and talk and exchange ideas and it not just be about money, you know? […] You shut a library, Louisa, you don’t just shut down a building, you shut down hope.”

Ashok emphasizes the need for a space like a library within the neighborhood in conversation with Louisa. In sharp contrast to the Lavery, the library works as a symbol of the working-class New Yorker, to whom a sense of community is important and whose power lies not in wealth and pedigree but in a good education that opens up opportunities for advancement.

“‘I know.’ She smiled at me, and it was the least convincing smile I’d ever seen. ‘But it is a long time since I believed love solved everything.’”

Louisa attempts to reassure Agnes of her husband’s love; however, Agnes is realistic about how this alone is not a solution to her problems. Agnes’s words foreshadow the kind of issues Louisa’s own relationship with Sam will face, especially since the couple fails to maintain consistent and open communication despite their love for each other.

“It was at this point that I realised he appeared unmoved, dismissive even. It wasn’t a sea-change in his expression, but a faint hardening, a lowering of his gaze.”

Louisa takes the idea of the Washington Heights library as a worthy cause Agnes can get involved with to Mr. Gopnik. This is the first time she experiences how firm the line is between her and her employers, as she realizes just how little regard Mr. Gopnik has for Louisa’s suggestion because of the insignificant role she plays in his life.

“Mr. Gopnik never mentioned the library again. I realized with mild disappointment that charity could mean something quite different here; that it was not enough to give, you had to be seen to be giving.”

Mr. Gopnik puts Louisa’s suggestion of donation to the library completely out of his mind. Louisa’s observation about this reveals just how superficial the upper class can be since even charity and good deeds need a certain kind of visibility.

“Sometimes my head would spin with the information it held. But I would think of Garry’s words way back in the autumn when I’d arrived: See nothing, hear nothing, forget everything.”

Louisa’s time with the Gopniks exposes her to a great deal of secrets and the inner workings of their lives. However, she holds on to Garry’s earlier advice regarding discretion; this will eventually cost her her job, as Louisa refuses to disclose the real reason why she withdrew cash from the Gopniks’ account.

“I had thought I might feel comforted at being home. Instead I felt untethered, as if suddenly it occurred to me that, at the moment, I belonged in neither place.”

In the wake of a tumultuous Thanksgiving as well as a recent discovery about Sam’s closeness with Katie, Louisa goes back home. However, her time in New York has changed her just as Sam had observed earlier. Even though New York does not feel like her home yet, she no longer feels like she belongs in her family home.

“I know this—nobody gets everything. And we immigrants know this more than anyone. You always have one foot in two places. You can never be truly happy because, from the moment you leave, you are two selves, and wherever you are one half of you is always calling to the other. This is our price, Louisa. This is the cost of who we are.”

As a fellow immigrant who has entered a world vastly different to the one she once knew, Agnes tells Louisa she will always feel torn between two places. Louisa’s growing sense of alienation from both the worlds she knows is echoed by Agnes’s experience and expressed in this quote.

“All this nonsense about women having it all. We never could and we never shall. Women always have to make the difficult choices. But there is a great consolation in simply doing something you love.”

Mrs. De Witt reveals her background to Louisa and is unapologetic about her choices. Her words point at the added layer of complexity a woman faces in making choices about her life and highlights the importance of following one’s passion.

“I thought about Agnes and the fact that these two women, living yards away from each other, both cloaked in a very specific sadness, might, in another world, have been a comfort to each other.”

Louisa reflects on how Agnes and Mrs. De Witt share some similar experiences; however, the world they inhabit is one characterized by isolation. Even though they live right next to each other, they are not in a position to exchange confidences and extend support to each other. This points to how people like Agnes and Mrs. De Witt lack a sense of community within their social set-up.

“I thought of Patrick and the multitude of certificates on the wall of his apartment, and wondered at the male need to display achievements, like a peacock permanently shimmering his tail.”

On observing the many achievements displayed in Josh’s apartment, Louisa is reminded of how an ex-boyfriend had a similar display at his place. This small instance points to the difference in how men and women within the New York upper class regard and display power. While women manipulate social settings, as seen with Agnes and the other society ladies, men prize and display achievements, as seen with Patrick, Josh, and even Mr. Gopnik’s disregard for a charity to which he cannot attach his name.

“You don’t understand, Louisa. These are my things, my babies. They may be old clothes, potential financial assets, to you but they are precious to me. They are my history, beautiful, prized remnants of my life.”

Mrs. De Witt refuses to sell her things to the vintage clothing store. Her explanation to Louisa reveals just how significant a part of her life and identity her wardrobe is, which is something Louisa can empathize with. Clothes and fashion work as a recurring motif pointing at the idea of identity and authentic self-presentation, and this is one such instance.

“I think at some point, dear, you’re going to have to work out who Louisa Clark really is.”

When Louisa moves to change her outfit on Josh’s insistence on yet another occasion, Mrs. De Witt questions why Louisa is unwilling to let the real her shine through. Mrs. De Witt plays a key role in nudging Louisa toward acknowledging and accepting who she is. Shortly after Mrs. De Witt says this to Louisa, Louisa breaks up with Josh.

“I thought about what Will had really been telling me—not to live some vicarious idea of a full life but to live my own dream. The problem was, I don’t think I’d ever really worked out what that dream was.”

Toward the end of the book, Louisa finally comes into her own. Part of this journey is realizing she is not meant to imitate someone else’s idea of a “full life,” even if that person is Will. Will pushing her to live her dream means she is supposed to discover what her own dream is and live that out, whatever it may be.

“I thought about how you’re shaped so much by the people who surround you, and how careful you have to be in choosing them for this exact reason, and then I thought, despite all that, in the end maybe you have to lose them all in order to truly find yourself.”

A people-pleaser by nature, Louisa’s experiences throughout the book have led her to slowly prioritize her own feelings, desires, and beliefs rather than adapt or suppress them for someone else’s benefit. From keeping a secret for a woman who is nothing more than an employer and who eventually throws Louisa under the bus, Louisa evolves into someone who is bold enough to pursue her dream job regardless of whether the man she loves will join her.