Sorrow and Bliss

“[T]he object of her parties seemed to be filling the house with extraordinary strangers and being extraordinary in front of them […] It was not enough to be extraordinary to the three of us.”

Martha describes the weekend-long parties her mother would throw when they were younger, in which Celia was always the star. Martha’s observation about her mother’s motivation to throw these parties points to Celia’s need to be the center of attention—a tendency that Martha herself displays later on, though it manifests differently. In Martha’s case, she centers her own feelings and perspective to the point where she completely disregards the impact of experiences on other people’s lives.

“That day, which ended with Winsome on her hands and knees on the floor next to our mother’s chair, dabbing wine out of the carpet, it embarrassed us. Our mother embarrassed us.”

Celia’s alcohol consumption intensifies over time, to the point that her behavior when drunk routinely embarrasses her children. The incident in this passage not only highlights this, but also displays how Winsome is constantly cleaning up after her sister, literally and metaphorically, throughout the majority of their adult lives. Just like she cleans Celia’s wine stains here, Winsome is the one who took care of Celia when she was younger, and now finances her life, eventually even going on to stand in as a mother figure to Ingrid when the latter has her own children.

“Patrick is the only person who knows the main reason because it is the worst thing I have ever thought. I went back inside because, even as I was then, I thought I was too clever and special, better than anyone who would do what I had come out to do.”

Martha admits that the real reason she doesn’t jump off the balcony is because she believes herself too clever and special to meet that end. This reflection displays an important part of Martha’s self-image: Her belief that she is special or different works to both her detriment and her benefit: It exacerbates The Isolating Nature of Mental Illness, but it is also what gives her the strength to survive the challenges of her illness.

“I wanted to become someone else. I wanted to belong to anyone else. I wanted everything to be different. Before he actually asked me and so he wouldn’t get down on one knee in front of my family, I said yes.”

Martha accepts Jonathan’s proposal before he even verbalizes it, even though they have only been dating for a few weeks. Martha’s entire relationship with Jonathan is one built on dishonesty. Neither see the other as they truly are, and Martha also willfully ignores who she is, in a self-professed attempt to be “someone else.” Thus, the relationship is doomed from the start, pointing to the theme of The Importance of Communication in Relationships.

“It wasn’t sympathy I had seen on his face, earlier, at the table, and that was why it was unbearable: someone conveying love while everyone else laughed at me.”

Martha learns that Patrick has been in love with her for years on the same night that Jonathan proposes to her. The timing of this is significant, as it parallels how Patrick lies about his love for her on the same day that she signs her annulment papers with Jonathan. Patrick and Jonathan thus become conflated in Martha’s mind for a long time, their respective desire and rejection of her both happening concurrently. It is what leads Martha to disregard her true feelings for Patrick for a long time.

“Everything is redeemable, Martha […] Although ideally, you want to figure out the reason why you keep burning your own house down.”

Nicholas and Martha grow closer after her separation from Jonathan, and over the course of their many conversations, he offers her this sage piece of advice. Although Martha doesn’t apply this immediately, she internalizes it enough to act on it years later, when reflecting on what caused the breakdown of her marriage to Patrick. Learning to take responsibility for her own behavior will form an important part of Martha’s character arc.

“‘Nostos, Martha, returning home. Algos, pain. Nostalgia is the suffering caused by our unappeased yearning to return.’ Whether or not, he said, the home we long for ever existed.”

Peregrine explains the original Greek meaning of the word “nostalgia” to Martha. The idea of nostalgia as connected to memory and longing is an important one in the book: The narrative is formed by Martha’s recollection of the events of her life, fittingly presented in disjointed pieces that eventually make sense, the way human memory sometimes works. By the end of the book, she and Patrick are attempting to work things out; however, they are not looking to return to the exact same place they were once at, but to build anew.

“That is when I began to think of Patrick as the cure. By the end of our marriage, I saw him as the cause.”

When Martha initially becomes aware of her feelings for Patrick, she recognizes that he has been part of all the good things in her life, and the moments of deepest pain have always concurred with his absence. Patrick, who serves as a source of comfort to her for so long, eventually becomes the source of her deepest anger and pain. However, the accuracy of this assertion is questioned by the end of the book, especially when Martha reflects on her own actions in the marriage and Patrick presents his perspective of their relationship.

“He found the box and took the band out. He held it out, between two fingers. It was amazing. Patrick said, ‘As it turns out, Martha, despite what I may have said at different times, I have been in love with you for fifteen years. Since the moment you spat this onto my arm.' It was the rubber band from my braces.”

When Patrick proposes to Martha, he presents her with the rubber band from her braces that she spat out of her mouth during Christmas in Belgravia when they were children. Ingrid had witnessed Patrick pocketing the rubber band and divined his feelings for Martha that very year, though Martha had dismissed the idea. Patrick presenting Martha with the same rubber band is thus concrete proof of long-held feelings, and also highlights Ingrid’s perceptive abilities.

“‘It makes it sadder,’ I said. ‘If it’s a mother.’ ‘It can’t be sadder,' Ingrid said. ‘I’m dead. That is the saddest it can be. But apparently I just exist in terms of my relationship to other people now and Hamish still gets to be a person. Thanks. Amazing.’”

Martha and Ingrid discuss how motherhood can be an all-consuming identity. This is a complaint Ingrid often makes, as her life is increasingly consumed by the exhausting responsibilities of motherhood with each child she has. This passage also highlights the intensity of responsibility upon a mother’s shoulders—one of the reasons Martha believes herself unfit to be one, as she has to additionally contend with her illness. The passage addresses The Interaction Between Motherhood and Identity.

“It had been so much effort, telling myself and making myself believe that coming back from a honeymoon is when marriages start, not when they end. I did not know how to be a wife. I was so scared. Patrick looked so happy.”

Martha goes into her marriage with Patrick deeply in love, but also deeply afraid of ruining things. In some ways, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as Martha’s view of herself as a “bad wife” based on her experiences with Jonathan leads her to act like one with Patrick. She is often volatile and violent, and at other times unwilling to put in the effort to work at their relationship. These tendencies are also in keeping with Martha’s character—in her other close relationships as well, Martha is not the one who works to maintain the relationship, reflecting The Isolating Nature of Mental Illness.

“But I kept throwing things, in moments of rage that were unpredictable and incommensurate with whatever had happened […] As soon as I had done it, I would go out of the room, leaving the pieces of whatever I had broken on the floor. They would have been swept up and disposed of, always, by the time I came back.”

Martha begins throwing things at Patrick in fits of anger she claims she cannot control. This passage points to two things: the lack of control and insight Martha experiences into her own behavior, and The Importance of Communication in Relationships, as neither Patrick nor Martha addresses her abusive behavior after the fact, to the detriment of their marriage.

“‘Are you leaving Hamish or not?’ Ingrid stopped smiling and said, ‘No. I’m not. You don’t just leave your husband, Martha. Not unless there’s a proper-proper reason or you’re our mother and you don’t give a fuck about anyone except yourself.’”

Ingrid arrives at Martha’s announcing that she is leaving Hamish, but returns home after a few hours of venting. Unlike Martha, Ingrid is vocal and expressive about her frustrations; this allows her to channel her energy in constructive ways, as getting things off her chest allows her to recommit to her family and her marriage. Opposites in many ways, Ingrid displays an ability to make space for and prioritize the relationships in her life and the needs of others.

“I did not tell anyone what had happened and afterwards only cried if Patrick was out—as soon as he left, from the effort of containing it. In short, intense bursts at the recollection of what I had been about to do. For minutes, as I moved around the house, weeping in gratitude that she had let go of me first.”

Martha cries intensely, but only in private, after she miscarries. Her hiding her grief from Patrick displays how unwilling she is to express her true feelings to even her husband, and marks The Isolating Nature of Mental Illness. This particular incident is also one of the largest hints that, despite Martha’s constant assertion that she doesn’t want children, the reality is otherwise.

“Everything is broken and messed up and completely fine. That is what life is. It’s only the ratios that change. Usually on their own. As soon as you think that’s it, it’s going to be like this forever, they change again.”

Patrick tells Martha about how life is not all good or all bad; there are a combination of terrible and wonderful things that exist at all times, though in different proportions at different times. Patrick’s wisdom is a reflection of his equanimity as a person, also born from his own experiences of tragedy early on in life. This passage is one of the few glimpses into the kind of pain and heartache that Patrick, too, has weathered, especially as the narrative is otherwise entirely centered on Martha’s experiences.

“‘I didn’t want you to have to go through your life with that terrible label attached to you […]’ ‘But the thing about labels is, they’re very useful when they’re right because […] then you don’t give yourself wrong ones, like difficult or insane, or psychotic or a bad wife.’”

Martha learns that Celia has known about Martha’s illness her entire life, and has willingly rejected this diagnosis. Celia’s reasons for doing so point to the stigmatization of mental illness that still exists in society. Martha’s rebuttal, in turn, highlights the importance of concrete diagnoses in helping the individual understand their condition better and to receive the right help and treatment.

“[M]y anger at my mother left no room for Patrick—his failure to notice there was something wrong with me was so much less than her effort to pretend there wasn’t, her decades-long devotion to not noticing.”

Martha is furious with Celia for having known about the illness, as well as having hidden the truth about their family history, for so many years. Martha’s anger toward Celia is initially intense enough to entirely consume her; however, as indicated here, simultaneously brewing is Martha’s anger toward Patrick for not having recognized what was wrong with Martha.

“I hadn’t known you could choose how to feel instead of being overpowered by an emotion from outside yourself […] I didn’t feel like a different person, I felt like myself. As though I had been found.”

For the first time in her life, Martha finds medication effective. She is able to react to situations in her life with less emotion, rather than being overwhelmed by them and unable to control her consequent reactions. Once again, this reflection highlights the importance of receiving an accurate diagnosis—Martha is finally receiving treatment that allows her to feel “like [her]self.”

“There is nothing inside me except want for a child. It is every breath in and every breath out. The baby I lost that day by the river, I wanted her so desperately I thought I would stop being at the same time as her. I have cried for her every day since then.”

Martha finally admits to herself that all she has ever wanted is a child, and that she has grieved her lost child ever since her miscarriage. Martha’s admission is a significant one, and contextualizes a number of her observations in the narrative and behaviors across multiple instances. It also explains the intensity of anger she feels toward Celia and Patrick, as she feels they have robbed her of motherhood.

“You think all this has happened to you and only you […] It’s your terrible personal tragedy, so you’re the only one who’s allowed to be in pain. But […] this has happened to all of us […] This is everyone’s tragedy. And if he’d been there, you would have seen it’s most of all Patrick’s. This has been his life every bit as much as it’s been yours.”

Celia finally chastises Martha for her increasingly selfish and inconsiderate behavior. The perspective that Celia offers Martha on how the events of her life have affected more people than just her, is an important turning point for Martha. She is finally able to see her contribution to her circumstances, and take action to correct course, helping her combat The Isolating Nature of Mental Illness.

“I know it hasn’t been that long but this is what I have been able to see since then: things do happen. Terrible things. The only thing any of us get to do is decide whether they happen to us or if, at least in part, they happen for us.”

Celia offers Martha some wisdom in a letter she writes to her daughter. Martha’s diagnosis is a turning point for both mother and daughter, and it eventually sets them both on their respective paths to potential recovery, or at least better management of their conditions. The passage points to a couple of important things in the context of mental health and recovery from illness: the importance of social support, as provided by Celia to Martha in this instance; and the role that insight and a sense of agency can play in recovery.

“‘I’m the worst person in the world.’ ‘No you’re not […] You’re not the best person in the world either, which is what you really think. You’re the same as everybody else. But that’s harder for you, isn’t it. You’d rather be one or the other. The idea you might be ordinary is unbearable.’”

Patrick astutely divines an important aspect of how Martha views herself: She feels superior to others. This is the same reason Martha gives for why she doesn’t jump off the balcony. Patrick recognizing and confronting Martha about this is a sign of how well he knows her. Once again, it showcases the similarities Martha shares with her mother, in personality as much as in their experiences of mental illness.

“‘Why did you stay with her? […] Or, […] why did you always come back?’ He gave a small shrug. ‘I loved her unfortunately.’”

Martha asks Fergus why he stayed with Celia and always returned throughout the rocky patches in their marriage. His response is simple, and echoes how Patrick feels about Martha, too. Both Martha and Celia have always been loved by the people in their lives—their respective sisters and husbands, at the very least—and they both eventually come to recognize and appreciate the value of this in their lives.