Sorrow and Bliss

As Martha doesn’t go back to work after her honeymoon, she is let go from World of Interiors. She writes to Peregrine, intending to explain, but is only able to apologize and say she ran out of “chair descriptors.” Peregrine responds kindly, asking to meet for lunch soon.

Martha begins to work on a novel that reads more like an autobiography. Shortly after she returns home, Nicholas moves in with them, back from residential rehab but unable to bear being at Belgravia. Consequently, Oliver comes to visit often too, bringing Patrick with him. The first time they meet again, Patrick expresses his condolences regarding what happened with Jonathan. Martha remembers the conversation with Oliver and wonders whether he told Patrick about it, as she can sense a discomfort between herself and Patrick now.

Nicholas and Martha go on long walks together and grow closer. Nicholas reassures her that everything is redeemable, though one must first question what caused one’s bad decisions in the first place. They discuss Nicholas being adopted and how he felt about Rowland and Winsome never talking about Nicholas not being white.

Eventually, Martha and Nicholas both get jobs at a local organic supermarket. Martha works the register while Nicholas is on the night shift, and she misses his company.

The last time Martha sees Jonathan is at his office, six months after walking out, to sign their annulment papers. He comments that it is a good thing she didn’t get pregnant with her “tendencies.” On the bus ride home, Martha watches a pregnant woman interacting with a breastfeeding mother at a cafe, and reflects on how her terror of pregnancy, which began in her teenage years, has grown into a fear of babies, mothers, and motherhood in general.

At home, Patrick, Oliver, and Nicholas are watching TV, and Martha joins them. She eventually falls asleep and wakes up later with her head in Patrick’s lap, who moves away as soon as he realizes she is up. To Martha’s persistent questioning about why he didn’t leave with Oliver, Patrick reluctantly reveals that he thought she might need some company when she woke up, as she had clearly had a bad day.

Martha asks Patrick outright whether he loves her, quoting her conversation with Oliver. Patrick denies it and leaves, but returns shortly afterward to clarify that he did at one stage think he loved her, on the Christmas that she asked Patrick about his mother; he later realized he didn’t, and never has. Martha is stung by receiving both Jonathan and Patrick’s rejections on the same day, and asks him to go. For a long time, she is convinced that the double rejection is what causes her to think about Patrick so much in the following months.

Nicholas moves out and into Oliver’s flat in Bethnal Green, which leaves Martha in tears. The same day, Peregrine calls and asks her to lunch, having finally heard about the end of her marriage to Jonathan. Over lunch, Peregrine asks Martha to go to Paris to get over her heartbreak; he has a small pied-à-terre there that she can use. Peregrine sends over the keys later that afternoon, and after calculating that she has enough money saved up, Martha leaves for Paris.

Martha lives in Paris for four years, working at an English-language bookshop. Peregrine visits her there the most, and she measures time through his visits, as he always tells her when he will return. She is usually happy during these visits, except for the year she is turning 30. To help her feel better, Peregrine tells her about his own 30th year, when his wife threw him out and cut off access to his daughters and money after discovering he is gay. Peregrine developed a substance use disorder, lost his job, and was forced to move back home where he was not welcome, before eventually experiencing a mental health crisis.

While Martha feels better about her life, she shamefully admits that she sometimes still misses Jonathan. Peregrine reassures her that he feels the same way about his ex-wife sometimes, explaining the original Greek meaning of the word “nostalgia”: “suffering caused by our unappeased yearning to return (whether) or not […] the home we long for ever existed” (116).

Martha both loves and hates her time in Paris. She attempts to write a different novel, which again turns autobiographical when she learns from Ingrid that Patrick is dating Jessamine. She also visits doctors in Paris, learning medical French to describe her depression like symptoms.

A month before Martha returns to London for good, Peregrine dies of a head injury from falling down a flight of stairs. She goes back for his funeral and grieves him deeply. On her last day in Paris, Martha visits all their usual haunts; she slips a piece of paper behind his favorite painting in the museum, on which she has penned an alphabet sentence: “A Better Companion Didn’t Exist For Girls, Heartbroken etc. etc.” (119).

Ingrid meets Martha at the airport when she returns from Paris with the news that Ingrid has set a wedding date. Martha is a bridesmaid, and despite Ingrid’s warning that Patrick will be attending, Martha remains hyper-aware of his presence. Over the past couple of years, she has continued thinking of Patrick, although no longer of Jonathan. Her memories of Patrick have been comforting ones, and when she watches him interacting with Jessamine at the wedding, she is aware of how masculine he is. She later recognizes the feeling she has whenever she sees him to be one of “visceral relief.”

Early next morning after the wedding, Patrick offers to drop her back home. She asks him about the last four years, and he reveals he is planning to specialize in intensive care medicine, and is applying for an overseas placement in Africa. In response to her query about his relationship with Jessamine, Patrick asserts that it was short-lived, as they were too different as people. Martha reveals she already knew about the breakup.

As they reach Martha’s house, she asks Patrick to get breakfast somewhere, as she doesn’t want their time together to end yet. At the cafe, Patrick takes a long time to decide on his order, and Martha is thrilled as this gives her more time with him; years later, this same quality will come to annoy her. After breakfast, Patrick walks Martha home and apologizes for the way he told her he didn’t love her because it made her cry.

Later the same day, Patrick asks Martha to see a movie with him. She agrees, but they never make it to the movie, spending the whole night chatting at a bar in the cinema instead. Martha begins a job at a publishing house, but the job doesn’t entail much work. Her workplace is close to Patrick’s hospital, and they spend time together, first coincidentally bumping into each other on the way to work, and then by arrangement.

During one conversation, Patrick asks Martha what the worst thing about Jonathan was; she lists a number of things, including how he meant everything he said at the time, but would often change his mind and say the complete opposite thing another time. Patrick admits the worst thing was witnessing Jonathan’s proposal and being unable to stop Martha from marrying him. Before Martha can respond, she gets a call from Ingrid who has just discovered she is pregnant: Martha is both “so happy for her” and also does “not know how [she] was going to survive it” (136).

Although she doesn’t want to see anyone, Martha agrees to go with Patrick to an exhibit at the Tate the next day. They talk about numerous things, from Ingrid’s pregnancy to Patrick being an only child, and the strong connection Martha shares with Ingrid. Martha worries about it changing once Ingrid has children, as she doesn’t want any of her own. Partick notes that this is interesting; he has imagined himself with children, but only in the way everyone usually does.

Afterward, they head to Patrick’s apartment at Martha’s request. Patrick reveals he is headed to Uganda for work, and Martha is surprised, as she didn’t think that was still happening. He leaves in 10 days and will be away for almost six months, only back for Christmas. The thought of Patrick being away for so long leaves Martha completely preoccupied.

In October, Martha sits and cries by a stream at Hampstead Heath, prompting a concerned stranger to stop and ask if she is okay. She candidly responds that she is lonely. Martha has not been alright since Patrick left, and she realizes that all the lowest points in her adult life have corresponded with Patrick’s absence: “That is when I began to think of Patrick as the cure. By the end of my marriage, I saw him as the cause” (143).

Martha goes to receive Patrick at the airport on Christmas Eve; she is happy to see him, and he reciprocates the sentiment. He invites her home and they talk late into the night, and Martha ends up sleeping over. In the morning, they walk over to Belgravia for Christmas lunch. Winsome suggests that Ingrid, who is 36 weeks pregnant, use a sturdier chair, and an offended Ingrid attempts to force out her mucus plug in revenge.

Later in the day, she actually goes into labor, and Patrick, Hamish, and Martha together help deliver the baby in Jessamine’s bathroom. Martha is overwhelmed with love for her newborn nephew, but assures Ingrid she still doesn’t want one of her own, before the ambulance takes Ingrid away. Martha changes into clean clothes and comes down to discover that Patrick has already left, so heads to his apartment as he is the only person she wants to be with at that moment.

At Patrick’s place, Martha confesses that she loves him, and he immediately asks her to marry him. She refuses at first, saying she doesn’t want to rob Patrick of the opportunity to be a father, but he insists he wants her more than he wants children.

Martha then brings up her mental health, but Patrick has already seen her on one of her “bad days” in the past, and insists it is not a dealbreaker. Martha finally agrees, and Patrick goes to fetch something that Martha, horrified, thinks is his mother’s ring; however, it turns out to be the rubber band from her braces that she shot out of her mouth years ago. Patrick confesses he has been in love with her for 15 years—he lied to her when she first asked him about it.

Years later, Celia would tell Martha that every marriage is its own world that doesn’t make sense to those outside it. By then Martha’s marriage had ended, so she dismisses it; however, in the minute before she says goodbye to Patrick when she heads home after his proposal, it truly does feel that way.

Patrick and Martha visit Ingrid in the hospital the next day and break the news of their engagement to the family, who are all thrilled. They head back to the flat after and finally sleep together. The first time is terrible, the second is better, and the third feels incredible, and is the happiest Martha has ever felt. They continue to make love multiple times over the next couple of days.

Martha doesn’t disclose any actual details to Ingrid, but confirms that sex with Patrick feels wonderful. Ingrid suggests that Martha have kids with Patrick, because it will be different than with Jonathan, but Martha dismisses the idea. She asks Ingrid what she wants for her birthday, which is the next day. Ingrid asks for a salty bag of licorice from Ikea; when Martha mentions it is too far away, Ingrid breaks down because of how tired and exhausted she is with a newborn. Martha leaves 95 pounds’ worth of licorice on Ingrid’s doorstep, along with a heartfelt card, the following day.

Martha and Patrick get married in March. She picks out her wedding dress from Topshop and Ingrid helps her get ready. In the middle of her father’s speech during the reception, a drunk Celia interrupts him, intending to make her own, and Winsome gestures to Martha to be brave. The moment Celia starts talking about sex, however, Winsome knocks over her own glass and repeatedly asks Celia for a napkin, successfully derailing the latter’s train of thought.

Martha and Patrick honeymoon in St. Petersburg. On the plane ride there, Patrick attempts to convince Martha to change her name, listing all the pros and cons. They lose each other in the Hermitage on the first morning, and while Martha is waiting for Patrick to find her in the cafe, she hears an announcement on the loudspeaker: “Mrs. Martha Friel, née Russell. Your husband would like you to come to the main lobby” (168). During dinner that night, she tells Patrick she will change her name after all because she cannot let his emotionally manipulative public announcement go unrewarded; a thrilled Patrick kisses her.

While waiting for their bags at Heathrow after the trip, Martha asks Patrick how he is planning to get back to his apartment, when he reminds her that they are married and live together now. It is an effort for Martha to make herself believe that “coming back from a honeymoon is when marriages start, not when they end” (170). Despite Patrick’s joy, Martha is scared, and she doesn’t know how to be a wife.