Sociopath: A Memoir

Patric Gagne is raised in San Francisco. By the age of seven she has a box of stolen items. Her father is a music business executive, and her stolen objects include Ringo Starr’s spectacles. She never experiences guilt or shame.

Stealing is a way for Patric to relieve the sensation of “stuck stress.” Antisocial behavior alleviates a building pressure inside her head. In first grade, she experiences an overwhelming compulsion to commit a violent act. Instead, she steals a barrette from a classmate’s hair, relieving the pressure.

Patric cannot remember how she acquired a locket containing black and white photographs of strangers. One day, her mother finds it and asks her daughter to imagine how sad the locket’s real owner must be, but Patric cannot do so. When Patric reveals her box full of stolen items, her mother emphasizes that stealing is wrong and insists they must return them to their rightful owners. Patric agrees, reflecting she can then acquire new stolen items. Her mother makes her promise to tell her if she steals again.

Patric’s differences make maintaining friendships difficult. At a slumber party, the pressure in Patric’s head grows when the other girls fall asleep. Although she has no desire to hurt her classmates, she feels a compulsion to hit them. Instead, she decides to go home and feels a sense of freedom as she walks in the dark. On the way back, she enters an open garage and sits inside a parked station wagon. Patric is surprised by her mother’s distress when she gets home. Her mother emphasizes how something terrible could have happened to Patric.

Patric realizes that other children view her with confusion and fear. Although she enjoys her own company, her lack of socialization worries her mother. One evening, Mrs. Gagne invites their neighbors, the Goodmans, to stay over with their daughters Sydney and Tina. Patric dislikes both girls because they are mean. Patric’s sister Harlowe is four years younger and has a nanny named Lee. Sydney suggests pouring water into Lee’s bed or waking Harlowe up. Patric suggests an alternative idea—going outside and spying on the adults through the windows.

When Sydney and Tina step into the dark yard, Patric locks them out and goes to her room to listen to the album Parallel Lines by Blondie. Patric is obsessed with Blondie’s lead singer, Debbie Harry. She got into trouble when she imitated Debbie Harrie’s unsmiling stance for her school photograph. The photographer’s insistence she should smile culminated in her kicking over his tripod. Consequently, her mother threw her Blondie records in the dumpster, but Patric secretly retrieved them.

An hour later, Patric’s mother confronts her, pointing out that she scared Sydney and Tina. Patric is pleased when her mother says the Goodmans are unlikely to visit again. Mrs. Gagne grounds Patric but thanks her for admitting to the misdeed. She takes the records away again, kissing Patric and calling her “my honest girl” (15).

Patric enjoys watching her mother make layered chocolate cake. While Mrs. Gagne uses a thread to ensure the layers are even, Patric lies under the table and tells her mother everything she has done at school. Patric is generally unable to distinguish between good and bad behavior, so her mother points out her missteps and advises her on what to do about them.

One day, Mrs. Gagne sends Patric to their neighbor’s house to borrow a cup of sugar. Later, she asks her daughter if she remembered to thank the Patels for the sugar. Patric explains that the Patels were not home, so she let herself in and took the sugar from the kitchen. Mrs. Gagne explains that going into a house without the owner’s permission is wrong. Patric pretends to understand but does not see the harm in it.

Mr. Gagne’s job means he routinely comes home late and is absent on weekends. Patric’s mother becomes depressed and is often upset or short-tempered. The change in her mother makes Patric anxious, as she looks to her for stability and guidance. She feels she cannot admit how she has stolen backpacks from school to relieve the pressure in her head.

One day, Sydney is mean to Patric and kicks her backpack. Patric responds by thrusting a sharp pencil into the side of Sydney’s neck. The pencil breaks, remaining partially stuck in Sydney’s neck. As Sydney and the other children scream, Patric experiences “euphoria” for the first time. In this serene state, she goes home and tells her mother what she has done. Patric claims she is sorry, but Mrs. Gagne will not accept her daughter’s hug. Patric wishes she had not told the truth, as she feels the bond with her mother is damaged. She digs her nails into her arms to make herself sorry. Her arms bleed, but she does not feel remorse.

After the pencil incident, Mrs. Gagne is increasingly distant and rarely comes out of her room. One day, Patric smells chocolate cake and decides to show her mother all the new items she has stolen. However, she finds her mother crying, surrounded by unevenly sliced cake. Patric realizes she should not show her mother the box. She takes Parallel Lines from her parents’ room, knowing her mother is too upset to notice.

Mrs. Gagne moves to Florida with Patric and Harlowe shortly after the pencil incident. She has left her husband but initially tells the girls they are going to stay with their grandmother for the weekend. Patric and Harlowe are mainly in the care of their grandmother, as their mother works long hours as a real estate agent. Patric steals money from the church collection and regularly breaks into an empty house. She wants to confide in her mother but senses Mrs. Gagne would not respond well. Harlowe’s kind and bubbly personality makes her immediately popular when they start at a new school. However, the other children are wary of Patric, and she is unsure how to fit in. Patric acquires a pet ferret, Baby, and is devoted to her. Baby is mischievous, stealing shiny objects around the house, and Patric keeps the items she likes.

Patric realizes that she does not experience fear like other children, perceiving it as a useless, restrictive emotion. One day, she and Harlowe are playing outside when a man approaches them, claiming he has found some kittens. Patric happily agrees to look at the kittens, but Harlowe declines and tries to make Patric go back inside. Patric pulls away from her sister, unable to understand why she is scared. The man directs Patric toward a van with a woman sitting inside, claiming it is parked in front of his house. However, Patric knows the house is empty and finally realizes she is in danger. She distracts the man and then runs away.

Patric’s Uncle Gilbert is a prison guard, and 11-year-old Patric tours his workplace with her mother and sister. Watching the prisoners through a camera, Patric asks a prison guard named Bobby what the men did. Bobby states that most of the prisoners committed violent crimes, and approximately 80% are sociopaths. He explains that sociopaths do not feel shame or guilt for their crimes and are unafraid of getting caught. To illustrate his point, Bobby asserts that, as a “normal” person, Patric would not steal his wallet if he left it in the room unattended. However, a sociopath would take the wallet and not feel guilty. Patric privately reflects that she would also steal the wallet without remorse. She wishes she could talk to the prisoners to find out if they think like her. Bobby claims that most sociopaths end up in jail “unless they’re really smart” (28).

Patric has a sleepover at another girl’s house. Lying awake as everyone else is asleep, she has the compulsion to do something forbidden but does not want to give in to it. Deciding she should go home to the safety of her mother’s guidance, she writes a note claiming she is sick and walks home.

Patric believes her mother will be pleased with her for making the right choice. Mrs. Gagne is laughing with her boyfriend, Paul, when Patric returns. However, when she sees her daughter, she drops her wine glass and runs upstairs crying. Mrs. Gagne tells Paul that she does not know what to do with Patric. Eavesdropping, Patric notices she feels hyper-alert and is holding her breath. She suspects this is how other people feel when they are scared but cannot connect to the emotion. The next day, Patric’s mother tells her daughter that she knows she is “different” and reiterates that she must always be honest. Patric tries to keep this promise.

Several months later, Mrs. Gagne breaks the news that Baby has died. Patric finds this news hard to believe and, feeling no emotion, continues watching TV. Mrs. Gagne comforts Harlowe, who is crying inconsolably, and Patric envies her sister for her ability to show the appropriate emotion. She knows her mother wants her to react normally, and her inability to do so makes Patric experience stuck stress. Patric looks at Baby’s body, hoping it will prompt grief. However, the ferret’s lifeless body seems to have no connection to the pet she loved, and she remains calm. Her mother is disturbed by this lack of emotion.

The next day, Patric’s grandmother picks her up from school. When she gets home, she is shocked to learn that her mother and Harlowe have buried Baby without her. Mrs. Gagne claims that she did not think Patric would mind as she seemed unaffected by Baby’s death. Furious, Patric throws a glass pitcher, which smashes and cuts Mrs. Gagne’s face. When Patric accuses her mother of punishing her for being different, Mrs. Gagne admits that she “thought it would teach [Patric] a lesson” (46). Patric feels invigorated by the confrontation. In retaliation, she steals a pair of ruby earrings that have sentimental value for her mother and flushes them down the toilet.

In the night, Patric hears her mother on the phone describing how she behaved after Baby’s death. Mrs. Gagne also recounts how Patric recently locked some girls in the school bathroom. Despairing, she states she does not know what to do with her daughter. Patric recalls that the bathroom incident occurred after weeks of good behavior. An unbearable pressure had built in her head, and she felt she must do something to release it. Seeing some girls go into the bathroom, she latched the deadbolt on the outside and immediately felt serene. However, a teacher caught her standing outside the bathroom as the girls inside screamed and banged on the door. Patric was annoyed with herself for being careless and assumes this is what happened to the sociopaths in jail. She decided she would have to be smarter.

Patric overhears Mrs. Gagne say she may have to send her eldest daughter to a boarding school. Patric loves her mother and does not want to be separated from her. She realizes that she must apologize and pretend to conform to her mother’s expectations. Patric rescues the ruby earrings from the toilet and hides them behind an air vent where she keeps other stolen items.

Patric and her family move to another house a few blocks from their old home. A week after moving, Patric realizes she left her locket in the hiding place at the old house. Her mother explains that legally anything they left now belongs to the new owners. However, Patric returns to her old home and climbs through a bathroom window. The house appears deserted, but when she opens her old bedroom door, she is confronted with another girl. Patric stays calm, showing the girl her hiding place, retrieving the locket, and then casually saying goodbye. Afterward, she feels exhilarated.

Patric recalls how her grandfather gradually tamed wild horses. She decides to emulate this process by trying to moderate her compulsions. Instead of giving in to her impulse to climb out of her window at night, she keeps it open and spies on passersby. One night, she jumps out the window to follow a man with a German Shepherd. Barefoot and in her nightgown, she trails him until he gets home. She watches from his lawn as the man kisses his wife and baby, noting the family’s happiness. A passing couple notices Patric spying on the family and asks what she is doing. Patric tells them she is playing hide-and-seek and runs off.

Patric continues to follow people at night and begins to skip afternoon classes in junior high school. She secretly uses her mother’s list of empty real estate and the key codes to explore empty houses. Although she knows her actions are wrong in other people’s eyes, Patric reasons that she does not actively harm anyone. Her most important rule of conduct is not to hurt anyone again. She hopes that indulging minor antisocial compulsions will stop her from giving in to dangerous impulses.

When she is 14, Patric goes to summer camp. The camp is held in a former home of John D. Rockefeller, and there are rumored to be secret tunnels beneath the house. Patric becomes fixated on locating them.

At camp, Patric meets an older boy named David. She shows David the blueprints of the house and reveals her plan to find the tunnels. David is excited by the plan but stops Patric from damaging the blueprints by making a copy. Patric has always been skeptical about romantic love and, unlike other girls her age, cannot relate to the characters’ passions in Wuthering Heights. However, she feels wholly accepted by David and realizes his opposing traits complement her own. He is non-judgmental when she explains the pressure she feels in her head and the actions she takes to relieve it. For example, she recounts breaking into the house of a girl and stealing her cheerleading trophy because she got her into trouble at school.

Patric often rewrites the lyrics of songs so they make sense to her. She changes the words of the Smiths’ song “How Soon Is Now” to “I am human with no need to be loved / Not like everybody else does!” (72). Patric admits to David that she does not crave love, and he encourages her to see this trait as a sign of enviable objectivity. Together, they find a door to the house’s tunnels behind a cabinet in the kitchen. Patric often goes down to the tunnel alone and listens to jazz. Feeling most comfortable underground, she eavesdrops on peoples’ conversations through the floorboards. She explains to David that she likes to be invisible as it makes her feel safe.

Patric thinks her compulsions are similar to the involuntary nature of behavior in OCD. Shortly after moving to Florida, she visited her great-grandmother in Virginia, where she felt frustrated and bored. Going for a walk, she saw a cat, picked it up, and held it tightly. When the cat tried to escape, scratching and biting her, Patric squeezed its neck. Finally, Patric let the cat go and it ran off while she felt “euphoric.” Having broken the rule not to harm anyone, she realized the experience could be dangerously addictive. Patric is considering telling David about the incident when he declares he loves her. She realizes the feeling is mutual.

At the end of camp, Patric’s mother refuses to allow her daughter to return in David’s car, pointing out their age difference. David says he will miss Patric but does not think they can continue seeing each other without her mother’s approval.