Small Steps

A letter addressed to Theodore A. Johnson (Armpit’s middle name is Thomas) arrives for Armpit the next day. It is from Kaira. The letter is long, loving, and humorous and expresses how much Kaira wanted Armpit to kiss her and how she pictures him when she sings her love songs. She shares that Armpit and Ginny are her only friends. The letter was clearly never meant to be sent, but was written as an emotional outlet for herself: “It feels good to write to you, even if I know you’ll never read it. It sure beats talking to my shrink” (172).

As Armpit is rereading Kaira’s letter, Detective Debbie Newberg calls to tell him that they have a suspect at the police station—and they need Armpit to identify him. X-Ray is sitting behind the one-way window, being interviewed by Detective Newberg. He reminds himself not be “fooled by her smile,” and tries “to telepathically send the message through the wall” to X-ray (177).

X-Ray says his real name, Rex Alvin Washburn, and turns down the chance to get a lawyer. It starts well. X-Ray explains that he did buy tickets and resold them for a profit, which is not illegal, and that he acted alone. Detective Newberg picks up on everything X-Ray says, finding holes in his story and asking how he managed to get 12 tickets when the limit was six. Despite constant and clever pressure from Newberg, X-Ray does not identify Armpit, but he does identify a photo of Felix. Eventually X-Ray admits to partnering with someone he barely knows called Armpit (no phone number or address), and says he lied about knowing him at first because “Armpit scares the bejesus out of me” (184). Detective Newberg gives X-Ray her card and tells him to call if he hears from “Armpit” before going to join Armpit in the observation room. Armpit tells her, “I think he told the truth” (185).

Detective Newberg drives Armpit from the police station to his work in her own car. X-Ray calls Armpit later, telling him that he had a “nice chat” (187) with the detective, unaware that Armpit had seen the interview. Their conversation quickly moves onto Kaira’s letter. Armpit gets a call from Kaira as soon as X-ray hangs up; she explains that he is about to get a “dumb letter.” She begs him not to open it, but once he lets her know that he already has, they happily chat. Kaira stuns Armpit by referring to herself as his girlfriend, eventually admitting that secretly she wanted him to read the letter. To equalize things, Kaira asks Armpit to tell her something embarrassing, so Armpit tells her that he hears his name every time she sings her song “Damsel in Distress.” Laughing, Kaira tells Armpit the actual lyrics: “These shoes, these jewels, this dress. A perfect picture of success. You would never guess […] I’m but a damsel in distress. Save me I’m but a damsel in distress” (190). Kaira invites Armpit to join her in San Francisco for her concert. He thinks she is joking, but she explains that they “fly people in all the time” (191) and that a limo will pick him up to take him to the airport. Dumbfounded, Armpit simply says “Sure, why not?” (191).