She Kills Monsters

“I’m ‘big’ where it counts…As in MY BRAIN!... Not because I’m fat. Seriously, it really has nothing to do with body mass index, I actually work out…or plan on working out.”

Chuck’s description of himself reveals his preoccupation with masculinity and whether he upholds the ideals of what makes a man appealing, particularly sexually. His quip about the size of his brain shows that he values intelligence over physique, yet his almost apologetic explanation that he plans on working out reveals that he has some insecurities about his weight. Known to his friends as DM Biggs (short for Dungeon Master Biggs), Chuck re-signifies his last name to connote his skills as a master storyteller and leader and not whether he measures up to the social norms for body image.

CHUCK. Were you expecting some nerd? ’Cause I’m no nerd. I got a girlfriend. From New York.

AGNES. How did you meet someone from New York?”

As a clerk in a gaming store and a Dungeons and Dragons afficionado, Chuck is aware that others may perceive him as a nerd in the derogatory sense, and he resists that negative form of the label. When Agnes first meets him, she nevertheless sees him as inferior and is disbelieving that someone who looks and acts like him could have a girlfriend, much less one from a metropolis like New York. Agnes’s comment is pretentious and illustrates her shallow judgment of who she thinks popular people are and whom they should match up with. New York’s connotations of style and sophistication go against her assessment of Chuck as a small-town nerd of role-playing games. As a character who is stuck in social conventions, Agnes initially judges people on a surface level of who is mainstream and popular and who isn’t.

“She suddenly drops the ‘loving girlfriend’ act.”

Eager to rush Miles out the door so she can resume playing Tilly’s module with Chuck, Agnes quickly tells her boyfriend how much she loves him and kisses him goodbye in an attempt to hasten his departure. The stage directions describe her feigned affections as a “‘loving girlfriend’ act,” which suggests that Agnes knows how to hide her true feelings from Miles and behave like the typical doting girlfriend to avoid arousing suspicion. Agnes doesn’t tell Miles about the module partly because she thinks D&D is something to be ashamed of and also because she keeps him at an emotional distance. Still at odds with acknowledging her grief, she chooses to feign closeness with Miles instead of creating real intimacy by telling him about the game’s importance in helping her work through her grief.

(All the girls high-five each other.)

AGNES. Seriously, you guys are supposed to be a team of badasses?

(Suddenly, three monsters rush in growling and snarling.)

(In a fast and impressive series of moves, TILLY, KALIOPE, and LILITH slay them.)

When Agnes first sees Tilly’s team of female fighters assemble, she assumes that the girls have little power and skill. Agnes’s underestimation of the group reveals the gender bias that categorizes women as weak and incompetent. The three girls end up proving her assumptions wrong, and their expertise and fierceness function to combat the stereotypes of female docility. As a whole, the play challenges traditional gender roles by featuring a predominantly female cast in the context of the male-dominated realm of role-playing games. The play not only reclaims the stereotype of the nerd, but also the archetype of the “angry feminist.” Strong female characters are “badasses” who symbolize female power and feminist rage.

“Whatchoo talking about I can’t quit? You know how annoying it is to always get attacked by so-called adventurers all the damn time?”

When Tilly’s party encounters Orcus, everyone is surprised to find that he has quit being an evil demon and would rather stay home and watch television, much like the real-life Ronnie who plays the character. Tilly populates her module with fantasy archetypes who defy expectations, and her subversion of these roles indicates both the freedom the game allows for players to create unique personalities as well as Tilly’s own vision of a world that does not limit identities. Orcus’s boredom with being a one-dimensional villain illustrates how even powerful characters desire more than the repetition of their stereotypical traits. Orcus’s dissatisfaction with his role mirrors Agnes’s own restlessness about remaining average year after year.

VERA. You know what? I think it was less weird when I thought you were playing Mrs. Robinson.

AGNES. You’re like the worst high school guidance counselor ever.

Vera is Agnes’s sarcastic colleague and friend who often violates the boundaries of appropriateness. When she learns that Agnes is playing Dungeons and Dragons and not having an affair with a high school student, she jokingly derides her for not falling into a more cliché scandal. Vera doesn’t appear to care what others think of her, which seems like a positive rejection of social conformity, but her disregard for the social conventions of politeness makes her abrasive and sometimes even abusive. Vera might consider her caustic personality to be a form of brutal honesty, yet she ignores Agnes’s insistence that she doesn’t want to get married at her age. The irony of Vera’s job as a high school guidance counselor reminds Agnes that some adults have chosen jobs that are unsuitable for them, yet remain in their position. Vera does not have an assigned age in the play, but her attitude suggests a person already disinterested or burnt out by the job.

“So what’s up with this game? Is this some sort of dorky quarter-life crisis?”

When Vera learns that Agnes is playing Dungeons and Dragons, she belittles the game and uses the pejorative meaning of “dorky” to describe the activity as weird and fit to be played only by the socially inept. Vera represents the members of mainstream culture who would put down people like Chuck and Tilly for enjoying a niche and unpopular hobby. Her suspicion that Agnes is going through a quarter-life crisis is accurate, as Agnes does struggle with the anxieties of adulthood, her relationship, and her post-college life. However, Vera offers little sympathy or support and only tells her how much she dislikes Miles. Vera’s negativity stands in stark contrast to Tilly’s optimism, and the scene ends with Vera stoppered and frozen in time as Agnes is whisked away to New Landia. The juxtaposition contrasts the cynicism of adulthood with the imaginative joy of youth.

CHUCK. Tillius uses a revive spell to restore all of Agnes’s hit-points. You get back on your feet.

TILLY. We stand side-by-side and raise our weapons.

When Agnes agrees to immerse herself in New Landia and play correctly, Tilly rewards her by restoring her hit-points. The act symbolizes Agnes’s own emotional injury of grief and the ability of Tilly’s game to provide her with healing. Agnes’s struggles with her loss are evident in her hesitation to move out of her family home and her emotional distance from Miles. She is torn by guilt, and the game allows her to “get back on [her] feet” by re-imagining and remembering a connection with Tilly that helps her recover from her death. The image of the two sisters standing together and armed for defense provides a comforting reminder for Agnes of their bond as sisters and the strength of family.

ORCUS. Behold my comically large map of New Landia. This is the path you will have to take if you want to face The Tiamat. You must first travel down the River of Wetness to the Swamps of Mushy—

AGNES. The names of these locations are terrible.

TILLY. I was going to go back and give them better names later, but—you know—I sorta died before I could get to it.

Tilly’s redundant names for the landmarks in New Landia reveal both her devotion and youthfulness as a creator of fantasy worlds. The silly names remind the audience that Tilly was simply a 16-year-old who lost her life too soon. Although she was an experienced Dungeons and Dragons player, the draft stage of her module reveals the enthusiasm of an unpolished writer, which makes her creation all the more endearing for its earnest attempts. The scene exemplifies how much the game allows for “homebrew” adventures in which amateur writers and storytellers can invest themselves in world-building rather than be passive consumers of other games. Yet in the midst of the silliness, the abrupt reminder of Tilly’s death injects a somber note into the game-based shenanigans and foreshadows the emotional roller-coaster that awaits both the characters and the audience of the play itself.

“A high-energy montage of badassery happens here where we see our party kick ass by killing a crap-load of different monsters in an assortment of different ways from badass to comedic. It is a cavalcade of D&D beasties. They behead mind flayers, slice up liches, smash umber hulks, crush bullettes, basically kill anything that would excite any geek who’s ever played a fantasy game. It is gloriously violent and funny.”

Qui Nguyen crafts irreverent stage directions that mirror the spirit of humor and exaggeration that typically characterizes the practical dynamics of D&D gameplay. By deliberately embracing this tongue-and-cheek form of absurdity, the play itself blurs the distinctions between “high” and “low” culture and celebrates the nostalgic pleasures of fantasy role-playing. The play’s hyperbolic approach to violence also functions as a cathartic display of angry youths, feminist rage, and empowered nerds. As several of the play’s characters comprise a band of outsiders, the fight montage offers a representation of them as powerful and victorious.

“Look, you overgrown sack of stupid, just cause I’m pretty doesn’t mean I won’t fuck you the fuck up! Seriously, did you see a sign on the way in here that said, ‘Petting Zoo’…Then please do not try to touch me!”

Tilly’s party encounters Farrah the Faerie and is immediately accosted by her curse-laden tirade against attempts to pet her and consider her nice. Farrah represents the idea of looking beyond appearances, and her anger specifically challenges the idea that her diminutive size and beauty make her vulnerable and merely a decorative object. She warns the group against trying to touch her, and the assertion alludes to traditional definitions of femininity that assume women should be passive, attractive, and hospitable. In sharp contrast, Farrah threatens to kill anyone who crosses into her forest. She asserts her autonomy over her body and opposes the patronizing handling of her as a docile pet.

“We need magic. Real magic.”

A central component of Dungeons and Dragons is the use of magic, and Tilly’s character as a Paladin is a wielder of healing spells who fights for justice and protects the good. In a larger sense, magic functions as a symbol of exploration outside the norms of a world limited by rationality. For Tilly and her friends, playing Dungeons and Dragons is a creative and collaborative activity that reflects their interactions with the real world just as much as it serves as an outright form of escapism. Tilly’s claim to need magic operates in the fantasy logic of defeating Farrah, but it is also a commentary on the adult world that may lose sight of the joy and wonder of imagining other possibilities and identities.

MILES. Who the hell are you?

 CHUCK. Oh, sorry, I’m Chuck. I’m Agnes’s DM and you are?

MILES. I don’t even know what that means. But I do know it means I sorta

really want to punch you right now.

 CHUCK. Why?

 MILES. ’Cause she’s my girlfriend!

When Miles encounters Chuck, he reveals himself to be a competitive and insecure person, especially in contrast to Chuck’s personable and easy-going manner. Miles’s first words are almost an accusation, and his antagonism toward a male stranger in his girlfriend’s home quickly escalates within the span of a single page to a physical altercation. The comedy of the scene relies on Miles’s misunderstanding, but Chuck’s obliviousness to Miles as a threat also offers a critique of traditional masculinity. Miles’s possessiveness over his girlfriend and the perceived slight of another man taking his place reveals the fragility of his male ego. The scene’s punchline shows how even with the traditional markers of masculinity such as size and strength, Miles fails to wrestle Chuck because the “nerd” is actually bigger and stronger than he is.

“I thought I knew you, Tilly. At least good enough to know whether you dug boys or girls at this point in your life…I’m your sister. I shouldn’t have to learn about you through a role-playing game.”

Agnes is shocked to learn that Tilly was a lesbian and is disappointed in herself for being oblivious to a significant aspect of her sister’s identity. However, instead of being supportive and apologizing for being neglectful, she becomes defensive and angry at Tilly for not confiding in her. Agnes’s reaction focuses more on what Tilly’s identity does to her than what it means to Tilly. Agnes invokes how her role as her sister should take precedence over the role-playing game, and she fails to understand the ways Dungeons and Dragons provided Tilly with a sense of support and community like a family.

AGNES. No, you can tell me.

 LILITH. Look, Miss Evans, I didn’t date Tilly! I like boys. I swear.

 AGNES. No, this explains so much. Of course, you were together.

 LILITH. No, we weren’t.

 AGNES. You don’t have to hide it!

When Agnes confronts Lilly, the student whom Lilith is based on, she has difficulty deciphering if she is in the real world or in New Landia and harasses the girl into admitting that she was Tilly’s girlfriend. Lilly vehemently denies dating Tilly, and her denial highlights the stigma of being LGBTQ+. Lilly feels the pressure to “swear” that she isn’t gay, a fact that implies her need to prove that she is not a liar and a good, honest (read straight) person. To “swear” also connotes that she promises not to be gay, as if heterosexuality is an oath that must be protected and upheld. Although Agnes tries to assure Lilith that she is accepting of their relationship, she ignores the fact that in trying to “out” Lilly, she is infringing on an LGBTQ+ person’s right to privacy and volition regarding when, where, and how to come out, if at all.

AGNES. Tilly, you can talk to me—

 TILLY. (Suddenly out of character.) I’m not really her, you know?

    (CHUCK enters.)

  AGNES. What?

  CHUCK. I’m not her.

Agnes’s longing for an intimate relationship with her sister leaves her talking to ghosts. Deep in the fantasy module where Tilly’s spirit is alive, Agnes pleads to Tilly to talk to her about the bullying she faced at school. The conversation is significant to Agnes, who struggles with the guilt of not being a more supportive presence in her sister’s life. However, when Chuck stops the action of the role-playing and forces her to confront the reality that Tilly is actually gone, Agnes refuses to accept her sister’s death and demands that he resume role-playing as Tilly despite his reservations. The scene illustrates Agnes’s unwillingness to accept reality. Desperate to retrieve any memories of Tilly, Agnes becomes dependent on an illusion and shifts from not wanting to talk about her family at all to forcing Chuck to speak and act as an avatar for Tilly herself. What both extremes have in common is that they disavow Tilly’s death.

VERA. Then I have nothing to advise you on. I’m a high school guidance counselor, Miles, not your therapist.

MILES. You’re my friend.

VERA. No, I’m your girlfriend’s friend. You, I don’t like so much.

Focusing solely upon Vera and Miles, Scene 11 is the only scene in the play where Agnes does not appear. As the two people closest to her, Vera and Miles both have misconceptions about what Agnes wants. Vera is convinced that Miles is noncommittal even though Agnes herself has no desire to marry. Miles believes Agnes is cheating on him when she is only trying to cope with her grief. Neither her boyfriend nor her female friend seem to fully understand Agnes, and their misinterpretations and Vera’s antagonism toward Miles contribute to Agnes’s sense of anxiety about her personal life and being average. The scene also illustrates that Miles does value Agnes, as he seeks advice from even the most hostile person in hopes of saving the relationship. Vera, in her own reluctant way, honors her friendship with Agnes and gives Miles the best possible advice, which is to speak to Agnes directly.

VERA. Stephen, if you were dating Miss Evans for three years—THREE YEARS—what do you think the next logical step would be?

…  

STEVE. I…uh…I guess I’d ask her to marry me?

VERA. See what I’m saying?

Vera is intent on proving that marriage is the only way that Miles can prove his commitment to Agnes. Despite both Agnes and Miles disagreeing with her on this point and preferring to wait, Vera contends that Miles is simply unwilling to marry. Vera’s strict adherence to a timeline of relationship milestones goes against the play’s message about accepting differences and rejecting the pressures of social conformity. She employs Steve to argue that the consensus among average people is that three years of dating naturally leads to marriage. Vera’s insistence on following the status quo positions her as Agnes’s foil, as she contrasts Agnes’s wish to break away from her ordinary and unquestioning life. Agnes does end up marrying Miles and having a family, evidence of the couple’s strong foundation, and the narrator concludes that the decisions Agnes made were of her own accord, not a capitulation to society’s standards of what should happen and when.

AGNES. I joined this adventure to get to know my sister, to help her, but I don’t think she needs me at all.

KALIOPE. Well, I don’t think she needs help from most people. She IS a 20^th level Paladin after all. If anything, we travel with her for we often require her help.

Agnes assumes that because of Tilly’s young age and her sexual identity, she would automatically be a vulnerable and troubled soul in need of help. Kaliope’s assertion that Tilly was an accomplished and admired D&D player whom others sought for help breaks the trope of the tragic LGBTQ+ figure. Tilly’s death was a circumstance of being in a car accident, and far from being alone, she was a popular member in her town’s Dungeons and Dragons community. As a dynamic character, Tilly is not defined solely by her sexual identity and offers a representation of LGBTQ+ individuals who are more than one-dimensional tokens.

AGNES. He liked you.

TILLY. He touched me.

(Shocked silence)

AGNES. What?

(Still shocked. Still silent)

TILLY. Okay, no, he didn’t. But he mighta.

AGNES. That’s not funny!

TILLY. “That’s not funny.”

Agnes discovers that Tilly based the Gelatinous Cube in the game on Miles and becomes incensed to see him represented as a villain. When Tilly falsely claims that Miles touched her, the allegation creates a sharp, tense silence in the scene’s otherwise flippant tone. The scene functions to highlight Tilly’s flaws as a petulant and immature girl who is so jealous of her sister’s boyfriend that she carelessly makes a severe accusation. Tilly retracts the claim, but then responds with more childish behavior by parroting Agnes’s reprimand. By showing Tilly as a character with her own pettiness and imperfections, the scene suggests that Agnes’s lack of a closer relationship with her sister may not have been entirely of her own making.

MILES. I misinterpreted.

AGNES. With a high schooler?

MILES. Well, he is really big for his age.

CHUCK. I’m not big. Maybe you’re just small. In the pants.

When Miles criticizes Chuck’s size, Chuck’s comeback is to insinuate that his misunderstanding actually stems from his insecurities around his own masculinity. Compared to Miles, Chuck is relatively confident and comfortable with his masculinity. Despite other people’s comments about his size and his comical and unsuccessful attempts to impress Agnes, Chuck seems genuinely happy, friendly, and willing to help. Nguyen depicts Chuck as a sympathetic “nerd” who doesn’t use the derogatory version of the label to describe himself, because he sees nothing wrong with his interests and passions. As Chuck perceptibly exposes, Miles is quick to feel threatened because he is less confident about his manhood.

CHUCK. Hey, do you want to play?

MILES. What?

AGNES. Huh?

CHUCK. Yeah, you should play. I mean if you want to hang out, let’s hang. I mean you can’t do any worse than Agnes here, right? She sucks.

Chuck’s invitation for Miles to join the game is the turning point for Agnes and Miles’ relationship as well as Chuck’s development as a figure of mediation. His enthusiasm to play with new people also highlights the social aspect of the game, where collaboration and collective imagination are essential components. Chuck’s friendliness and open-mindedness sees beyond the social limitations of cliques, and he welcomes anyone to join, even someone who misjudged him as badly as Miles did. As a Dungeon Master, Chuck is also the more experienced player and holds authority over their session. In a lighthearted jab, he makes fun of Agnes as a poor player, and his comment functions as a reversal from their first meeting when Agnes assumed that he could not possibly have a girlfriend.

“I didn’t get her. I assumed I would one day—that she’d grow out of all this.”

Tilly finds what she needs in her Dungeons and Dragons community, but as is made clear in this quote, Agnes only saw the game as another childish activity that Tilly needed to outgrow. By playing the game after Tilly’s death, Agnes not only learns more about her sister but comes to see her as an inspiration. Resilient, powerful, and independent, Tilly endured harassment for being an outsider and did not cower beneath the pressures of conformity. Agnes’s perception of Tilly thus undergoes a reversal during the play, for instead of wishing Tilly would outgrow her fantasy games, Agnes learns to be less rigid and allow her imagination to explore new opportunities and possibilities.