Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2021

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Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Part 1, Chapters 1-3

Part 1, Chapters 4-6

Part 1, Chapters 7-9

Part 2, Chapters 10-12

Part 2, Chapters 13-15

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

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Discussion Questions

Themes

The Relationship Between Self-Care and Boundaries

Tawwab argues that self-care and healthy boundaries are closely-linked aspects of mental and emotional health, and that both demonstrate self-awareness and self-respect. The author tries to persuade the reader that “self-care isn’t selfish” and that the “root of self-care is setting boundaries” (6). According to the author, the act of acknowledging one’s own needs and creating boundaries which reflect them is, in itself, an act of self-care. She questions the conventional definition of self-care as revolving around expensive vacations, spa days, or shopping. Instead, she says, “real acts of self-care have little to do with spending money. Instead, they’re about showing up for yourself by setting boundaries” (154). Moreover, when people have the confidence to enforce boundaries, it shows self-respect and ensures that people will treat them accordingly.

The author also maintains that poor boundaries can lead to a lack of self-care. Tawwab notes that when people are unable to protect their emotional boundaries or become too engrossed in helping others, they tend to neglect their own needs. She claims, “I can’t tell you how many people show up in my office lamenting, ‘I don’t have time to do anything for myself.’ After a quick evaluation, it becomes apparent that these people are not making any time for themselves. In fact, it often seems like they’ve forgotten how to take care of themselves” (5, emphasis added). The author feels that this problem is particularly prevalent among women, who may be unconsciously mimicking the behavior which was modeled by other women in their family. Tawwab explains, “These women not only don’t know how to care for themselves, but they also feel severe guilt when they do practice self-care. They’ve been taught that self-care is selfish and would make them a bad person” (55). This discussion invites the reader to consider how they are prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of their own, encouraging them to see self-care as a right and not an indulgence.

The author explains how self-boundaries can also function as a kind of self-care, since developing discipline can lead to healthier habits and better overall wellness. For instance, people may create rules for themselves, such as pursuing hobbies that they enjoy, being willing to experience things alone, maintaining a good sleep schedule, and declining invitations they are uninterested in. By frequently reiterating the connection between self-care and boundaries, Tawwab urges the reader to create necessary boundaries with themselves and others to have the time and energy to take care of themselves.

Exercising Personal Agency and Control

Tawwab’s work urges the reader to recognize and exercise their own personal agency in their relationships. Whether at work, with family, or among friends, Tawwab asks the reader to consider how their own words and actions have allowed others to treat them in a certain way.

While it is natural to feel hurt and resentful about others’ poor behavior, Tawwab points out that only action, not complaining, will solve the problem. She explains, “As we air our grievances, we become more frustrated and annoyed, reinforcing the belief that others are doing things to us. We don’t stop to evaluate what we’re allowing to happen by not setting clear boundaries” (44). She explains that many of her clients feel exploited by others, and that the only solution is to consider how and why they have allowed that to happen. For example, some people feel pressured to say yes to too many favors or tasks and resent it later. Others try to set boundaries but do so in an unhelpful way by complaining to others or lashing out when upset. Passive people may avoid others to try to express their disinterest. Tawwab insists, “It’s your job to maintain the standard of how others treat you” (155). She challenges the reader to ask themselves, “How are you allowing people to take advantage of you?” (155).

The author acknowledges that old habits can make it hard to embrace having control over one’s own life and relationships. For Tawwab, the most constructive way to use personal agency in relationships is by setting boundaries in a clear and assertive way. She tells the reader to “Remember, you have a choice about what conversations you are willing to have with others” (165). Tawwab argues that once these conversations are over, people must continue to exercise their agency and ensure that others are respecting the boundaries that have been set. She explains, “You will have to put in the work to ensure that your boundaries are respected. It’s your responsibility to follow through on it” (14).

By using words such as “work” and “responsibility,” the author highlights that setting boundaries will never be an easy or passive process, and that each person must be the authority on what is right for them. By emphasizing people’s agency, Tawwab redirects the reader from self-pity to reflection and, ultimately, towards action. She is confident this will create the change they need, writing, “We may say ‘I can’t’ but we’re capable of accomplishing more than we believe we can do” (162).

The Childhood Roots of Boundary Problems

Tawwab argues that everyone’s approach to boundaries stems from their childhood experiences. Growing up, children absorb lessons from what their caregivers and community implicitly or explicitly teaches them about acceptable behavior, how to communicate, and their own physical, emotional, and intellectual rights. Tawwab focuses on how traumatic experiences in childhood are very detrimental to people’s ability to set healthy limits and expectations with themselves and others. She writes, “Childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries” (139).

According to Tawwab, people’s dysfunctional boundaries can usually be traced to childhood experiences which encouraged them to adopt a particular perspective. For instance, one of Tawwab’s clients experienced verbal and sexual abuse, witnessed physical violence in her home, and shifted between various homes and caregivers throughout her youth. These traumas gave this young woman the impression that she needed to protect herself from others, causing her to form “rigid boundaries” and to refuse to open up in relationships. Tawwab helped this client understand the connection between her past trauma and her guarded behavior, and the social isolation she felt as a result of it. Tawwab shares, “Slowly, she started to see how she had created rigid boundaries to keep people away” because she “feared emotional connections” (140).

Conversely, another client named Justin experienced emotional and intellectual boundary violations as a child when his parents divorced, as his parents used him as a confidant, oversharing their feelings and relationship problems. His parents also actively encouraged him to act as a father figure to his brothers, leaving him to tend to their emotional and practical needs. As a result, Justin carried these porous boundaries with him into adulthood, finding it difficult to say no to helping his family, friends, and girlfriend, and neglecting his own needs in the process. Tawwab traces Justin’s issue back to his childhood, writing, “During his parents’ divorce he came to the conclusion that his needs were too complicated for others and that he was better at giving support rather than receiving it. It was clear that his relationship issues were the product of the emotional neglect he’d experienced as a child” (48).

Tawwab’s theme on childhood also argues for the value in readers teaching their own children about boundaries in order to create healthy expectations in adult relationships. She writes, “Most of the adults I work with can clearly remember how their boundaries were violated in childhood and how they still struggle to repair the damage from those violations. They also struggle to incorporate healthy boundaries in their adult lives. Children must learn that having boundaries is healthy for them” (186). Lacking the specific tools and power to create their own boundaries, kids try to articulate their preferences in their own way. Tawwab offers examples of common boundaries children would like to set, such as who they spend time with, who they show affection to, and the foods they eat, and encourages the reader to respect these boundaries as much as possible.

The author also reminds the reader that they bear responsibility for creating boundaries with their children, which may include maintaining a daily schedule, predictable rules and routines, and not treating their children as confidants or friends. Through this aspect of her theme on childhood, Tawwab hopes to prevent dysfunctional boundaries from taking root in the younger generation by educating parents.