Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Tawwab reflects on one of her client’s stories, which she feels is an example of how weak boundaries can lead to exhaustion. Her client Erica worked full time while also raising two kids and maintaining their busy schedule by herself. Over time, this schedule wore on Erica and she found herself overwhelmed with her many responsibilities. She was particularly discouraged by her parental responsibilities, as she felt that she had failed at living up to her high standards of being a good mom. She stopped cleaning up and cooking proper meals and withdrew emotionally from her children. Erica realized that she had to set healthy boundaries with herself about what was realistically achievable. She was able to teach her children how to help clean up, hire a housekeeper, and ask friends for occasional babysitting help. 

Tawwab laments that burnout is a fairly common experience in the US and claims that creating clear boundaries will help people avoid this type of exhaustion. She points to perspectives such as chronic people-pleasing, or “Superhero syndrome” in which people try to do everything themselves, as typical causes of burnout.

Tawwab presents Erica’s boundary issues individually, explaining how she could learn to say no to certain commitments, schedule in time for herself every day, and remind herself to be realistic about her goals. The author points out that Erica felt disappointed that her life was not as picture-perfect as that of other moms she saw on social media and reminds the reader that most people cannot achieve this fantasy of parenthood. Tawwab warns that doing tasks that are unfulfilling or unrewarding, striving for high expectations, spending time with draining people, and lacking balance in one’s life are all root causes of burnout.

Tawwab claims that learning how to set boundaries is more difficult for people with the following mental health diagnoses: anxiety, depression, Dependent Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. While setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and scary, Tawwab assures the reader that it is a worthwhile investment. Without communicating one’s boundaries, the relationship may proceed according to how the other person wants it to be. While it is tempting to assume that people may share a “common sense,” the author reminds the reader that this can be highly subjective and it is therefore always better to communicate clearly (39). Without boundaries, relationships tend to become one-sided, and eventually end as one person feels resentful and mistreated.

Tawwab advises the reader to develop a kind relationship with themselves and treat themselves well, as this can impact how other people perceive and interact with them. She recommends becoming aware of one’s body, since one’s grudges and negative emotions can manifest as aches, pains, or discomfort. The author claims that as the reader becomes more aware of these “signs,” they will be able to recognize what they are truly feeling (41).

The author examines how some people avoid the discomfort of setting boundaries through the following methods: moving away, gossiping, complaining, and avoidance. Another extreme method is a “cut off” in which people stop all contact with the other person, thus ending the relationship. Tawwab emphasizes that people will still need to learn how to create boundaries in future relationships. The author recommends writing down all of one’s tasks and responsibilities and identifying which ones are for yourself, and which are for others. Tawwab encourages the reader to reflect on their list and to prioritize the activities they enjoy.

Tawwab recalls a client who had a long history of helping others. As a child, Justin, the eldest child in his family, took on a paternal role to his younger brothers when his father left the family. Even as an adult, Justin continued to provide emotional and practical support for his mother and brothers; his role as a helper had become a large part of his identity. Justin also found that he was attracted to romantic partners who seemed to need his help.

The author maintains that Justin’s boundary problems stemmed from his discomfort in receiving support and his compulsion to offer it to others. She argues that when children experience emotional neglect in childhood, they “tend to have issues developing healthy attachments to others, whether their attachment is anxious or avoidant” (48). Over time, Justin learned to talk more about himself and his own needs. He set boundaries with his brothers so they would not ask him for help too often. He also stopped acting as his mother’s primary source of emotional support.

Tawwab reflects on how some people delay setting boundaries by blaming other people for being intrusive or pointing to examples of how people have disrespected their boundaries in the past. However, she insists that people must focus on doing what is within their control. She explains that boundaries do not only consist of saying “no” to others—any time people communicate clearly about what is and is not acceptable, they are setting a boundary (50). The author discusses the “Worst-case scenario” thinking which often plagues people who are new to setting boundaries. This can include being afraid of losing the relationship altogether, seeming selfish, or being attacked. Another obstacle to boundaries is the inherent social discomfort in communicating them.

Tawwab reflects on how everyone first learns about boundaries as a child. While parents can usually easily communicate their boundaries to children, kids generally have a harder time communicating their needs. Tawwab lists common boundaries that kids may express, such as being uncomfortable around certain people, or disliking particular foods. When parents respect these boundaries and are flexible with their children, they learn that they have a right to their preferences. 

Tawwab claims that children often adopt their parent’s behavior as they grow. For example, children whose parents did not have time for self-care will struggle to incorporate this into their lives. Setting boundaries is a prerequisite to living healthy and fulfilled lives, since people will not find time to take care of themselves without creating boundaries first. Tawwab identifies childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect as experiences that violate one’s boundaries, making it hard to understand how to create them later in life.

Tawwab responds to concerns that boundary setting is “mean” or “rude” by recommending rehearsing one’s boundaries to communicate well and avoid seeming impolite. She claims that “people pleasers” must recognize that their needs are also valid to avoid feeling guilty about their boundaries. Tawwab assures the reader that they will no longer feel “powerless” if they create and maintain a boundary (62).

The author encourages the reader to consider how they can constructively set boundaries with another person, rather than assume it will fail. She notes this is particularly challenging in family relationships. She explains that it is easy to feel guilty, sad, or even traitorous when setting boundaries, but encourages the reader to reframe these feelings by focusing on the health of the relationship and honoring one’s own needs. Tawwab concludes her chapter by inviting the reader to journal about their own experiences with boundaries growing up, and what they continue to find challenging about it.