Reasons to Stay Alive

This is a list of 10 thoughts, including “I might die,” “I’ve been here before,” and “I will get over this” (98).

Haig considers the blended nature of his mental illness, which includes depression and anxiety exacerbated by obsessive compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, and separation anxiety. He recounts how distance walked independently became a measure of his progress. On one particular occasion, he challenges himself to go to the store for marmite by himself. The journey becomes an epic quest full of internal struggles. He learns that shops are some of the most difficult places for him due to a combination of factors, including lighting and aggressive advertising. He envies the cashier because she seems detached and unconcerned.

In a dialogue, “Now Me” tries to convince “Then Me” to hold onto living. They discuss aging and their lifelong fear of death.

This chapter lists 10 considerations when caught between suicide and moving forward, including a worldwide community of people who understand this kind of struggle and the promise of joyful experiences still to come.

Haig reflects on his relationship with Andrea. Despite their strong connection, they have contrasting personalities. One of her strengths is being a “social chameleon” (115) and blending in with others. Together they help each other be their true selves. They don’t have a perfect relationship, and they argue often. However, they share both romantic love and the love of friendship. She encourages him to reach out for help and guides him toward healing.

This chapter is a list of 10 things people can do to support loved ones with mental illness, including listening without judgment and acknowledging the journey the loved one is on.

This single paragraph recounts Haig’s first true moment of peace since his mental health crisis. Although brief, the moment gave him hope that there could be more moments of peace in his future.

This chapter contains a range of experiences which others took more seriously than mental illness, ranging from humorous to catastrophic. These include “Bad Amazon reviews” and “Lower-back pain” (123).

Haig considers how to explain depression to someone with no lived point of reference. People with depression resort to metaphors, though they rarely are able to encompass the full challenge of living with mental illness. Haig considers his own depression and anxiety as a heightening of the senses, and considers that living with this illness was his price for “waking up to life” (127).

One spring, Haig finds that good moments start to shine through more than they had before. At the start of summer, he and Andrea move into a new apartment with pale colors and natural light. He finds that light helps him, as does the white space around paragraphs. At this point, he becomes increasingly drawn to literature, and reading becomes a compulsive coping mechanism. Reasons to Stay Alive explores the relationship between reading and the mind, and the way reading becomes a process of finding and creating oneself.

One book that had a particular impact on Haig was The Power and the Glory, by Graham Greene. Haig initially read it in university during a module in which he was the only student. He discusses how Greene became an influence on his own writing, and the way the book’s intensity and optimism helped him in his own healing process.

The chapter also includes a list of other books that influenced him, including The Outsiders, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, and The Catcher in the Rye.

Andrea announces that she and Haig are going to Paris for his birthday. He reacts with anxiety and terror at the prospect of visiting another country. However, he finds the idea of giving into his fear even more terrifying. They visit Paris, and although Haig finds it scary and overwhelming, the experience becomes a liberating one. He learns that travel, and in particular exposure to new environments, helps to calm him and broaden his perspective.

Haig remembers how Andrea became a “crutch” during his healing process. However, after her mother is diagnosed with cancer, Haig begins looking after her. One day, she needs to go with her mother to the hospital and asks Haig to wait at the apartment for her brother. They argue, with Haig protesting he can’t handle being left alone. Finally, he agrees to take on the challenge and stays home by himself. While the experience is terrifying, it also teaches him that he can survive an extended period of time by himself. Andrea’s mother survives, and Matt begins writing.

Haig learns that his first novel is set to be published. It gives him a temporary reprieve from his depression. Although the event is not an overarching cure, he comes to understand that wellness is something attainable.

Haig takes up running to manage his depression. He learns that engaging the body is a useful coping mechanism for disengaging from the brain. It also improves one’s physical health, which is beneficial for mental health. At this stage in his journey, he learns about different tools he can use in his fight against depression.

This chapter lists the psychological symptoms of anxiety as established by the NHS (the British Medical Body), including restlessness, dizziness, and excessive thirst. The author adds “derealisation,” which manifests as a disconnection from reality.

Haig considers the link between mental illness and fame. The chapter lists several high-profile figures, living and dead, who have or have had depression. He remembers watching an interview in which the actress Halle Berry opened up about her attempted suicide. Haig explores the stigma and cynicism around celebrities with mental illness, and the idea that fame and fortune are thought to render one immune. He argues that prestigious circumstances can exacerbate depression because of the gap between one’s external and internal worlds.

The book explores 16th American president Abraham Lincoln’s battle with depression and his ultimate choice to continue living. Former United Kingdom prime minister Winston Churchill is given as a similar example. Haig considers the link between mental illness and creativity. He examines several writers and artists with depression, including Sylvia Plath, Franz Kafka, and Edvard Munch. Finally, Haig puts forward the idea that mental illness may be linked to creativity due to its intensity and heightening of perception.

This chapter lists several descriptors and metaphors for depression, including “A living nightmare” and “A bell jar” (173).

This brief chapter attempts to separate mental illness from the mind it occupies.

In another dialogue, “Now Me” tells “Then Me” of their bright future with Andrea, experiencing moments of peace and possibility. “Now Me” admits that while depression never goes away, it becomes more manageable and less debilitating with time.