Queenie

In therapy, Janet asks Queenie to talk about the phone call from the pool. Janet reminds her that her childhood wasn’t something that any child should have to experience. Queenie is prickly, telling Janet that her childhood wasn’t out of the norm for Black girls: “Us black girls, we’re always meant to know our place” (274). Janet posits that Queenie continues to make herself submissive through her relationship to sex and tells her that she can’t “carry the pain of a whole race” (274). Queenie’s emotions escalate as she responds, telling Janet that she can’t chose to let go of the pain of her race because it’s inside her. She talks about how she’s Black every day, in every setting, and lists the racialized words that people use to describe her. She talks about how her friends get asked on dates, while she gets fetishized and harassed. She tells Janet that she can’t have a boyfriend: “I can’t have any love in my life that isn’t completely f***ed by my fear that I’ll be rejected just for being born me” (275). Janet asks Queenie if she can do breathing exercises and calm down; Queenie tells her that she came to therapy to stop burying all her pain. She talks about how she can’t find any men that will love her or even have sex with her in a kind way. She describes how Roy told her that she was worthless, and it ruined her, making her settle for any kind of attention. Queenie has a panic attack and passes out. She comes to in an unfamiliar room. She tells Janet that this has happened to her before and asks if this means that she isn’t healing. Janet reminds her that healing trauma isn’t a linear journey. She gives Queenie some sugary tea and tells her that her grandmother is coming for her. Queenie worries that she’ll be in trouble because her grandmother never leaves South London. Janet tells her that she’s catastrophizing. As Janet leaves, Queenie refers to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Janet tells Queenie that her daughter used to always make that reference. Immediately, Queenie assumes that Janet’s daughter has died. Janet tells her that she’s catastrophizing again and that her daughter has just moved out.

Sylvie comes over to have a conversation with Queenie. Queenie tells her that she looks too skinny and needs to start eating. Sylvie jokes about how Queenie pays her rent to Veronica through constantly cleaning; Queenie notices this because her mother rarely makes jokes anymore. Sylvie tells Queenie that she won the court case against Roy. She won’t get much out of it because he spent most of her money, but she still gives Queenie a check. Queenie tells her mother that she should keep the money, but Sylvie tells her that she likes where she lives and wants Queenie to use the money to move out. Queenie asks her mother to stay for dinner and asks her how she’s doing, apologizing for not asking her that question more often. Sylvie tells her that whenever she tries to eat she gets a lump in her throat and can’t do it. Queenie suggests that her mother do what she does, which is pretending that the uncomfortable sensation in your stomach is actually a bird asking to be fed. Sylvie tries eating. Queenie brings her mother water, and Sylvie tells her that she’s a caring person. When Sylvie asks about work, Queenie avoids the topic. Sylvie tells Queenie how impressive it is that she’s going to therapy and hasn’t been renounced by her grandparents. Queenie reminds her mom that she might be fired, and Sylvie tells her about all the times everyone in their family has been fired. As Queenie winds herself up about losing her job, Sylvie tells her that she’s far too young to think that her life is over.

The story flashes forward. Queenie’s grandfather asks her about her therapy, and she explains how much the concept of “safe spaces” has helped her. Queenie gets a voicemail from Gina saying that the HR investigation was ruined by some footage they found and that Queenie can come back to work. Her first month back will be a trial period. In therapy, Queenie is freaking out about going back to work. Janet tells her they’ll work on some tactics for managing her anxiety back at the office and reminds her that this is a good thing.

The night before Queenie must go back to work, she goes to bed early but wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep. She’s extremely nervous, but her grandmother makes her eat breakfast anyway and reminds her not to overreact. Looking in the mirror, she notices how worn out and pale her face looks. Darcy has planned to meet her outside the building so that they can go in together. Queenie uses her mindfulness techniques on the train, and before she knows it, she’s at the office. Darcy recites “a list of reasons why [Queenie] is going to be okay” (286). Queenie anticipates everyone in the office staring at her, but nobody does. When she wants to give up, she thinks of how horrible it would be to explain her failure to her grandmother. Silent Jean sends Queenie an email welcoming her back to the office and saying that she always knew that Ted was lying and that Queenie looked better before losing weight. Queenie thanks her for the email. Queenie emails Darcy to ask if everyone knows about her situation. Darcy says that people know but don’t care. At the end of the day, Darcy and Queenie leave the office, and Kyazike is waiting for them. The three go out for treats, and Queenie feels like herself. As the work week continues, Queenie becomes increasingly exhausted. By Friday, she’s nearly collapsing. Gina asks Queenie to meet with her at four. She tells her that she has done a good job this week but warns her that Ted is coming back to the office next week. Two more tiring weeks of work pass, and Queenie avoids seeing Ted at all costs.

Queenie decides to download OkCupid again and look for a nice guy. She arranges a date with a guy who’s older than her and seemingly has his life more figured out, which makes her nervous. She calls Kyazike and worries that she’ll be too much of a mess or not Black enough for him. Partway through their phone call, Queenie looks up and sees Ted. She walks away from him. After work, Darcy takes Queenie to the bar where she’s meeting her date to stay with her until he’s about to arrive. Queenie worries that he’ll think she’s boring or ugly. Darcy looks through their messages and tells Queenie that, if anything, he seems like the boring one. She tells Darcy that even if things go well, she’s not going to have sex with him.

When he arrives, he asks for a kiss on each cheek and puts his hand on her butt. After the second bottle of wine, he suggests that they go back to his place. Queenie goes to the bathroom to call Darcy, who offers to pick her up, but she tells her that he’s hot and she’s feeling frisky. Darcy reminds her about her patterns with men. Queenie, realizing that she’s in the men’s room, hangs up the phone and leaves. When her date grabs her hand, it takes her longer than usual to let go, and she wonders if it’s because she’s “drunk, or because the counseling had worked” (299). At his place, he goes to change into something more comfortable and Queenie drinks straight from the sink. When he sees her, she makes a joke about how he could have drugged all his glasses, which he doesn’t laugh at. After seeing how buff he is, she makes a self-deprecating joke about her own body. He tells her that her face is beautiful.

He suddenly tells her that he’s going to get a condom, which confuses her because they haven’t discussed having sex. He licks her and tells her that she tastes “‘like chocolate.’” Queenie starts getting ready to go, telling him she doesn’t feel well. As he tries to coerce her into staying, she asks him why he said that she tastes like chocolate. He laughs at her and says that he knew she was “one of those Black Lives Matter girls” (301). He suggests that the BLM movement creates issues, and she tells him she needs to go. He says, “Really? I thought you’d want to be challenged, strong black woman like you?” (301). He continues to bait her into the conversation and they argue for two hours, even though she knows he doesn’t believe or care about everything he’s saying.

When Queenie leaves, she sees that The Corgis chat group is worrying about her safety. She assures them she’s fine. The next day, she goes to Kyazike’s work to tell her about her date. Kyazike tells her that she has heard of white guys like this and suggests, as always, that Queenie stop dating white men.

Ever since Queenie came home hungover from her date, her grandparents have been warning her about “relapsing,” and she has been semi-grounded. She is starting to adjust to being back at work. Now that she’s actually doing her job, people have many more expectations of her. Leaving work, Queenie accidentally gets in an elevator with Ted. She starts to panic, and even when she gets out of the lift, she’s shaking. Ted’s wife, whom Queenie sees is pregnant, meets him outside, and he tries to usher her away from Queenie, even though the Tube they need is her direction.

The next day, Queenie texts The Corgis chat group about what to do. She sets up appointment to look at a flat, asking for a tour with a female agent and asking Kyazike to accompany her. She wonders, “Is this what growing into an adult woman is—having to predict and accordingly arrange for the avoidance of sexual harassment?” (308). At the end of the work day, Ted follows her and begs to talk, grabbing her arm. She tells him that he needs to stop and that whatever he has to say is about his needs, not hers. He tells her he needs forgiveness and that after each of his break ups, he tried to die by suicide. He says that his wife is older, and he married her because she wanted to have kids immediately, so he knew she wouldn’t leave him. He tells Queenie that everything changed when he met her. Queenie tells him that she doesn’t care about any of this information and that he needs to stop bothering her. Kyazike arrives to meet up with Queenie and hits Ted with her purse, yelling at him. Another white guy comes over to try to help Ted, offering to call the police. Kyazike yells at him about how nobody came to help Queenie when she was screaming, but the minute Ted is in distress, someone comes to help.

The next day, Queenie gets a letter from Ted complimenting her and thanking her for speaking. At the end of the letter, he asks her not to tell his wife about their affair. After that, he has the audacity to write that he hopes Queenie might take him back if things with his wife went south. Queenie gives the letter to Gina. Ted is fired.

Gina tells Queenie that she needs her to write a piece about a new musician because the gig review writer is out. She tells Queenie that she should be “urban” enough for the task. Queenie goes to the show with Kyazike, who tells Queenie that she’s not “urban” at all. When Kyazike goes to the bathroom, the people in front of Queenie keep falling on her because they’re too drunk, and she gets overwhelmed and leaves. Unable to find Kyazike, Queenie goes to the bar, where she rejects a handsome man so that she can focus on her job. Kyazike finds Queenie and tells her that she should flirt with the handsome man, but Queenie keeps working. At the office the next day, Queenie tells Darcy how much fun she had at the concert.

Queenie is moving into a studio apartment, even though her family members are nervous about her living alone. As she cleans her stuff out of her grandparents’ place, her grandfather tells her how proud he is that she fought to get her life back together. He adds that he was afraid she’d end up like her mother. Diana joins them, saying how proud they all are of Queenie. Queenie lectures Diana about how hard her life will be as a Black woman. Diana tells Queenie that she hopes to “‘grow up to be as strong as you are’” (320).

Queenie’s family and friends have gathered at an Italian restaurant to celebrate her healing and going back to work. Kyazike makes a little toast, and Sylvie tells Queenie that “‘Next year is going to be better’” (322). They all toast to her. Cassandra appears. Queenie goes to find a chair for Cassandra and asks her why she’s there. She reveals that Guy immediately started cheating again. Queenie points out that Cassandra hasn’t apologized to her. Cassandra apologizes, and they agree to move on from this. Queenie’s grandparents and aunt accidentally drink alcohol and become very worried. Queenie thinks that it’s no wonder she has so much anxiety. As the family members try to figure out if the alcohol will be okay with their medications, Queenie goes to the bathroom. Darcy follows her in and asks what’s wrong. Queenie tells her how in that chaos, she started to become anxious and still wanted to call Tom. Darcy tells her that everyone at this gathering loves her, unlike Tom, who just represents love and stability to Queenie. Darcy leaves, and Queenie talks to herself about how much better her life is going: Gina loved her piece about the concert and gave her a regular spot writing music reviews; Ted was fired; she deleted the dating app again; she has techniques to help herself if her anxiety returns; she has fewer nightmares; and everyone at the gathering really loves her, proving to her that she deserves healthy love. Queenie opens her phone and deletes Tom’s contact. She returns to the table and looks at all the people who love her. She makes eye contact with her mother—who is eating—and Sylvie mouths the words “my queen.”