Pageboy: A Memoir

“These comments are emblematic of the Hollywood they warn you about. Plastic, empty, homophobic. Still, I wasn’t prepared or experienced enough to navigate this new fame alone.”

For much of Page’s life, he has had to deal with Anti-LGBTQ Sentiments in Hollywood and the gender expectations imposed by the industry. These expectations have shaped many of the negative experiences that he has had in the film industry, primarily resulting in gender dysphoria.

“This is something I’m asked frequently and not something I wish for during a casual night out. I’d experienced this inquiry as a queer woman, but as a trans guy it’s perpetual. Code for—I don’t believe you.”

Page’s journey of Self-Discovery and Self-Acceptance has been long and one that, as an actor, he had to do in the public eye. At various points in his memoir, people invalidate and deny his experiences. He reflects that this happens much more since he came out as trans, highlighting the struggle that many transgender people face. The relative acceptance that gay people have achieved is relatively new and still out of reach for transgender people in some parts of America.

“It is so sad that all the static had to get in the way as I aged. A dark rock on which to slip, suddenly appearing and taking us both down. That pure connection that went beyond appearance and expectations, both of us free in the moment—these are the memories I revisit.”

Page grapples with many of his Complex Interpersonal Relationships in Pageboy. His relationship with his mother became complicated as he grew up, went through puberty, and had to navigate the gender expectations of the society around them. Their relationship was easier when both of them could be free from these expectations.

“My body solid, skin tight, bricks on the chest. I began to perspire, dampness on the neck. Despite sweating, I shook, cold but burning, ears ringing. My first panic attack, in retrospect.”

When Page strikes up an online friendship with a man who eventually becomes a stalker, he is looking for an escape from his loneliness, isolation, and Complex Interpersonal Relationships with his family. When the stalker shows his true colors, Page experiences his first panic attack, an experience that will repeat throughout his life whenever he feels trapped.

“As puberty transmuted me into a character I had no interest in playing, my isolation, insecurity, and unknowing grew. I desperately needed to anchor myself. In new cities, with no friends, alone in hotel rooms, it was not hard for someone to prey. I’m sure they sense that. Like the man I met online. A lonely kid is a perfect target.”

Puberty becomes one of the first stumbling blocks on Page’s journey to Self-Discovery and Self-Acceptance, as it transforms him into someone he is not comfortable being. He becomes isolated from his parents, who should have been the ones to protect him from predatory figures. This isolation not only makes it harder for Page to accept himself but also puts him in danger as a young actor.

“I was persuaded to reject a character not long before I came out as gay because it ‘wouldn’t be helpful.’ Subtext: people think you’re a homo and this will make them think you are definitely a homo and you can’t exist as who you are if you want to have a career.”

Page struggles with Anti-LGBTQ Sentiments in Hollywood throughout his career. His sexuality and then his gender become things that his agents and producers think he should hide for the sake of his career. Page often notes that Hollywood likes to capitalize on LGBTQ stories but actively discourages LGBTQ people from existing in real life.

“Coming out in 2014 was more a necessity than a decision, but yes, it was one of the most crucial things I have ever done for myself. No matter what came after, a different kind of exposure, vulnerability, it was all worth it.”

Page came out as gay in 2014. He describes this as one of the most important steps on his journey toward Self-Discovery and Self-Acceptance, even though his first coming out was only related to sexuality, not gender. The process of coming out can be long and complicated, and many people in the LGBTQ community come out several times in their lives. This can be difficult and sometimes painful to do, but Page reflects that no matter the aftermath of his coming out, it was all worth it.

“It’s hard to explain gender dysphoria to people who don’t experience it. It’s an awful voice in the back of your head, you assume everyone else hears it, but they don’t.”

Gender dysphoria is one of the most difficult struggles that Page recounts in Pageboy. It shapes many of his experiences and often isolates him from those around him. Sometimes, it drives him to self-harm and suicidal ideation. It is something that his cisgender friends and family do not experience. The difficulty of talking about gender dysphoria often isolates Page further––he cannot yet speak about what is happening to him.

“It wasn’t easy to explain to my reps that I couldn’t take on a role because of clothing. A face would scrunch up and tilt sideways, but you’re an actor?”

Page finds it difficult to describe or explain his experience of gender dysphoria to people in the film industry. When he turns down roles that would require too much of a performance of femininity, his agents and representatives are puzzled and dismissive, unable to understand why an actor would not be able to put aside personal preferences about clothing for a role. Gender dysphoria is not about personal preference for clothing, hair, or makeup; it is a much deeper feeling of discomfort––and often pain––that Page was unable to voice for a long time.

“The reality is that I’d benefited from being plugged in, but learning all this new material felt like I was relinquishing society’s hold on me. I’d spent a sizable amount of time squeezing into the system even though my body rejected it. Far removed from myself and the world around me, this grounded me, this gave me hope.”

Page reflects on his time at the permaculture workshop in Lost Valley and how this experience helped him shake off some of the Hollywood mindset that made him feel so ill at ease. Taking part in a community focused on addressing the climate crisis with sustainability and collective action allows Page to “unplug” from the culture of wealth and excess so prevalent in Hollywood and connect to a more authentic version of himself.

“As an adult, whenever I was heading home, I would prep myself. I spent so much of my professional life performing that I had come to the realization that I could not also perform in my personal life. I should not have to perform, I did not have to make things okay for Linda and for my dad.”

Page’s relationship with his father and stepmother continues to impact him as an adult. He realizes that he has taken on the burden of smoothing things over and pretending to be okay with Dennis and Linda, essentially playing the part of the happy child. This Complex Interpersonal Relationship takes an enormous toll on his mental health, though it takes him many years to finally address it with his father.

“My level of discomposure has caused issues at work. The mirror, my face, the tight clothes, I did want to die, but I wasn’t going to do it, not consciously at least. The convenient and closest alternative was to shut it all down, trigger an outage. When these outages happen, I often lose myself to memory—stress piling on stress.”

For many years, Page’s gender dysphoria impacts him so negatively that he experiences suicidal ideation. He is unable to find self-acceptance, and although he is not actively suicidal, he wants to die. His alternative is dissociation, removing himself from his physical body and shutting down all thoughts and emotional responses.

“I was addicted to the fresh start I got on every film set. Enthralled by possibility, I poured my whole self into that world—I was in a place where being a weird kid was good. I didn’t want to look back.”

As a child, Page finds acting to be a wonderful escape from real life. Working as an actor, his active imagination thrives, and he finds that he has a lot more autonomy and control over his life. While at school, he feels out of place and strange; on film sets, he is allowed to explore more possibilities.

“‘I would wear a skirt,’ a straight, cis man had said to me, playing devil’s advocate. I kept trying to explain the difficulty I was having. But he kept spitting out his unwanted opinions while then berating me for getting ‘too emotional.’ ‘Hysterical’ I believe was the word he used.”

Page continues to face Anti-LGBTQ Sentiments in Hollywood from fellow actors, who dismiss and invalidate his experience of gender dysphoria using misogynistic language. He is talked over and called hysterical when he tries to explain his experiences; this is something many people in the LGBTQ community, especially transgender people, go through.

“If a part of you is always separate, if existing in your body feels unbearable—love is an irresistible escape. You transcend, a sensation so indescribable that philosophers, scientists, and writers can’t seem to agree on what the fuck it even is—if it even is.”

Over the years, Page uses his relationships as places where he can escape his difficult journey of Self-Discovery and Self-Acceptance. He often describes the challenges of existing in his own body and how throwing himself into his relationships distracts him from this experience. Being able to transcend his physical body through love allows him to put off thinking about his gender.

“At that point in my life, it didn’t really feel like a choice, there was no other option. I had to choose to engage as my authentic self, or die not trying. There was a swell from somewhere else, inside, but beneath it all—a voice. One that would whisper again close to seven years later.”

Page describes coming out as gay in 2014 as a necessity. He acknowledges that this is a choice between being himself or potentially dying. It is an important step toward eventually coming out as transgender in 2020, and it allows Page to feel brave and confident in a way he never felt before.

“This understanding did not stop at my gender. Finally, I was on the verge of disentangling myself from toxic family dynamics, at last able to find the words.”

Page’s Complex Interpersonal Relationship with his father is something that he grapples with for much of the book. He compares finally coming to understand his gender at the age of 30 to his decision to distance himself from his father and stepmother at around the same time. Through understanding himself better, Page is, at last, able to voice that he needs space and time to unpack the lasting impacts of his treatment at Dennis and Linda’s hands.

“It often seems like more people step forward to defend being unkind than they do to support trans people as we deal with an onslaught of cruelty and violence.”

Since coming out as transgender, Page has had to confront even more Anti-LGBTQ Sentiments in Hollywood and society at large. He reflects that publicly anti-trans people are often defended more than transgender people, who experience hatred, violence, and aggression simply for existing. He uses the example of Jordan Peterson, who posted a transphobic comment about Page on Twitter that own father “liked.” He says that in his father’s eyes, Page is the one who is wrong, not Peterson.

“In a world where queerness all too often alienates us from blood, I am grateful to Julia, and the family I have chosen. Without them, I wouldn’t be here.”

Despite Page’s many Complex Interpersonal Relationships, he finds comfort, solace, and chosen family with his friends. The concept of chosen family is important to many LGBTQ people, who are sometimes rejected by their blood relatives. Being surrounded by people who become family and support him no matter what is deeply important for Page on his journey to Self-Discovery and Self-Acceptance.

“I’d exhausted myself, trying with all of me to figure out what was wrong, running from one place to the next, fooling myself into thinking I could find it. But the answer was in the silence, the answer would only come when I chose to listen.”

In this quote, Page describes the difficulty of unpacking his identity. His time in isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic allows him the space that he needs to finally stop and listen to himself without the distractions of everyday life and relationships that he could disappear into.

“The first time was back when I lived in Stroud. After a long silence you asked me if I thought you were trans, there was like a hot tsunami of emotion coming from you, and time slowed down and everything expanded, and it felt like a relief. It was the conversation that hid behind our growing up together, back when we had no words, or at least, I didn’t, just a sensation, and when the words began to flow, it was this sweet juxtaposition of something hard to be said at first, but also so easy and light, this sense of a world finding its breath, one that resonated with your essential life force.”

Page’s friend, Beatrice (Bea) Brown, recalls the first time Page told her that he might be transgender, just before his 29th birthday. She describes this conversation to Page in such vivid, emotional detail that Page realizes he has been asking friends about his gender for years , trying to find a way to tell people what he is going through.

“Even though I am extremely lucky, this narrative where trans people have to feel lucky for these crumbs—that we fought hard for, and still fight for—is perverse and manipulative.”

Page challenges the “lucky” narrative that is ascribed to many transgender people. While he acknowledges that he is lucky because his wealth gave him access to gender-affirming care, he defies this description being forced onto trans people when so many have to fight to survive. He argues that being asked to feel lucky to be alive is manipulative and implies that transgender people should be thankful for scraps of human decency.

“He knew it wasn’t me then. Now, he knew it was.”

In this quote, Page is recovering from top surgery, aided by his long-time friend, Mark Rendall. He remembers Mark coming to the premiere of Juno and seeing Page in a dress with long hair and makeup. Page knows that at this time, Mark recognized Page’s discomfort and knew that Page was not existing as he wanted to, as his authentic self. Now, recovering from gender-affirming surgery, Page knows that Mark sees him as his truest self.