Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as If Your Life Depended on It

“Negotiation serves two distinct, vital life functions—information gathering and behavior influencing—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side. Your career, your finances, your reputation, your love life, even the fate of your kids—at some point all these hinge on your ability to negotiate.” 

Voss regularly presents his techniques in varied contexts, including business and personal interactions. The implication is that the same core principles apply no matter the setting or the stakes. He opens and closes the book with a reminder of the many areas in which the principles of negotiation can make a difference.

“Instead of prioritizing your argument—in fact, instead of doing any thinking at all in the early goings about what you’re going to say—make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. In that mode of true active listening […] you’ll disarm your counterpart. You’ll make them feel safe.” 

While many of Voss’s tips and techniques consist of actions for a negotiator to take, knowing which tools to use when hinges on understanding a counterpart’s mental and emotional state. For that reason, he presents active listening as a crucial part of any negotiation. As you listen, you create a safe space for a counterpart to divulge the information you need.

“I only half-jokingly refer to mirroring as magic or a Jedi mind trick because it gives you the ability to disagree without being disagreeable.” 

Several of Voss’s techniques, including mirroring, enable a negotiator to push back against a counterpart obliquely or indirectly. This allows the negotiation to develop without inciting heated emotions on either side, which can derail the process. With its pop culture reference, this quote also demonstrates Voss’s playful and engaging tone.

“The relationship between an emotionally intelligent negotiator and their counterpart is essentially therapeutic. It duplicates that of a psychotherapist with a patient. The psychotherapist pokes and prods to understand his patient’s problems, and then turns the responses back on to the patient to get him to go deeper and change his behavior. That’s exactly what good negotiators do.” 

Voss’s comparison between this brand of negotiation and psychotherapy suggests the delicate emotional maneuvering such negotiation entails. It also serves as a reminder that those involved in a negotiation are more allies than opponents. If and when a behavioral change does take place, it must come from within. The negotiator’s job is simply to guide a counterpart through the process.

“The beauty of going right after negativity is that it brings us to a safe zone of empathy. Every one of us has an inherent, human need to be understood, to connect with the person across the table.” 

Voss suggests that even when the various parties in a negotiation have very different goals, they can and should try to empathize with those on the other side. It’s not just a matter of feeling good. Doing so allows both parties to move past the negative impressions and biases that might otherwise bring negotiations to a halt.

“Whether you call it ‘buy-in’ or ‘engagement’ or something else, good negotiators know that their job isn’t to put on a great performance but to gently guide their counterpart to discover their goal as his own.” 

For Voss, effective negotiation has nothing to do with flashy displays or quick tricks. Instead, it is an organic process that grows out of a connection between people. Only then can each side be sure that the other is committed to the solution they arrive at together.

“Today, I coach my students to learn to see ‘No’ for what it is. Rather than harming them or those they negotiate with, ‘No’ protects and benefits all parties in an exchange. ‘No’ creates safety, security, and the feeling of control. It’s a requirement to implementable success. It’s a pause, a nudge, and a chance for the speaker to articulate what they do want.” 

Generally, the word “no” is associated with rejection and failure. Voss turns this assumption on its head by showing how “no” serves a far more essential function in negotiation than “yes.” From the perspective he offers, “no” is simply a stepping toward understanding and commitment.

“Why is ‘you’re right’ the worst answer? Consider this: Whenever someone is bothering you, and they just won’t let up, and they won’t listen to anything you have to say, what do you tell them to get them to shut up and go away? ‘You’re right.’ […] But you haven’t agreed to their position. You have used ‘you’re right’ to get them to quit bothering you.” 

Voss shows that he is more concerned with the way that language functions in a negotiation than with its literal meaning. Some phrases that seem positive on paper—such as “you’re right”—can signal that a counterpart has reservations. In such cases, examining the motivation and intent of the statement can reveal new pathways forward.

“Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.” 

Voss suggests that a skillful negotiator can turn a counterpart’s positive social nature—and the emotions that come with it—toward an advantageous outcome. As Voss’s experiences illustrate, this is possible even when a counterpart’s beliefs and behaviors are drastically different from the those of the negotiator. The key is to demonstrate that you understand and respect your counterpart’s views, without judgment.

“I’m here to call bullshit on compromise right now. We don’t compromise because it’s right; we compromise because it is easy and because it saves face. We compromise in order to say that at least we got half the pie. Distilled to its essence, we compromise to be safe. Most people in a negotiation are driven by fear or by the desire to avoid pain. Too few are driven by their actual goals.”

Voss directly attacks what he considers to be a common misunderstanding when it comes to negotiation—that compromise is a worthwhile goal. Many of Voss’s techniques can seem excessive or aggressive. Voss’s purpose, however, is not to demonstrate how to find a watered-down middle ground. He is interested in winning deals that are as advantageous as possible. In his view, if you are committed to an outcome, it is worth doing what it takes to reach it.

“The most powerful word in negotiations is ‘Fair.’ As human beings, we’re mightily swayed by how much we feel we have been respected. People comply with agreements if they feel they’ve been treated fairly and lash out if they don’t.” 

Voss’s comments on fairness are included in Chapter 6, which offers tips for adjusting the expectations and perspective of a counterpart. This is because there is no such thing as objective fairness, in Voss’s view. Instead, subjective perception of fairness drives an emotional response. Since a perceived lack of fairness can derail virtually any deal, Voss suggests invoking fairness in a way that allows your counterpart to raise concerns instead of mentioning fairness as an accusation.

“The techniques here seem concrete and easy to use. But many people shy away from them because they seem manipulative. Something that bends your counterpart’s reality must be cheating, right? In response, let me just say that these tools are used by all the best negotiators because they simply recognize the human psyche as it is. We are emotional, irrational beasts who are emotional and irrational in predictable, pattern-filled ways. Using that knowledge is only, well, rational.” 

Voss anticipates that some readers may object to seemingly manipulative tactics. For Voss, however, morality and effectiveness are two separate issues. To reach an outcome that you consider ideal, including morally, Voss suggests using whatever tools will help you get there.

“We learned a lesson that would forever change how the FBI negotiated kidnappings. We learned that negotiation was coaxing, not overcoming; co-opting, not defeating. Most important, we learned that successful negotiation involved getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution himself. It involved giving him the illusion of control while you, in fact, were the one defining the conversation.” 

All negotiation is contingent upon a counterpart’s willingness to act. People are most willing to act when they think they are doing so under their own volition. A negotiator’s most valuable tools, therefore, are those that allow them to guide a counterpart toward a goal without appearing to do so.

“The calibrated open-ended question takes the aggression out of a confrontational statement or close-ended request that might otherwise anger your counterpart. What makes them work is that they are subject to interpretation by your counterpart instead of being rigidly defined. They allow you to introduce ideas and requests without sounding overbearing or pushy.” 

Voss introduces calibrated questions in a chapter devoted to giving counterparts “the illusion of control” (140). Here, he explains exactly how they manage to do so. The key point is that the questions are calibrated—meaning deliberately designed—to lead the counterpart in a direction the negotiator wants to go.

“‘Yes’ is nothing without ‘How.’ While an agreement is nice, a contract is better, and a signed check is best. You don’t get your profits with the agreement. They come upon implementation.” 

Most of Voss’s tips and strategies focus on reaching a desirable agreement. He cautions readers that, even after agreement, success is not assured. Without consideration of implementation, an otherwise worthwhile deal can fall apart.

“The best way to get your counterparts to lower their demands is to say ‘No’ using ‘How’ questions. These indirect ways of saying ‘No’ won’t shut down your counterpart the way a blunt, pride-piercing ‘No’ would. In fact, these responses will sound so much like counterbids that your counterparts will often keep bidding against themselves.” 

Directly refusing a counterpart’s request can give way to a bidding war or a power struggle. Just as Voss suggests framing requests as open-ended questions to avoid heightening tensions, he also promotes using open-ended questions as a way of saying “no” indirectly. By externalizing your refusal so it appears it is beyond your ability to say “yes,” this technique motivates counterparts to lessen their demands to fit the constraints and solve the negotiator’s problems.

“Your personal negotiation style—and that of your counterpart—is formed through childhood, schooling, family, culture, and a million other factors; by recognizing it you can identify your negotiating strengths and weaknesses (and those of your counterpart) and adjust your mindset and strategies accordingly.” 

Through much of the book Voss discusses principles that are universal in scope and application. Here, he recognizes that individual variables have a significant influence on an individual’s preferences and abilities as a negotiator. By inviting readers to consider their own backgrounds and tendencies, Voss encourages them to tailor his guidelines to suit their needs.

“The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. This is one of the most basic tactics for avoiding emotional escalations.” 

Voss differentiates between the people involved in a negotiation and the problem to be resolved. Instead of working against each other, both parties ought to view themselves as allies working to solve a problem that affects them both. Demonizing or dehumanizing the other side only heightens negative emotions, which can impair judgment.

“The Black Swan symbolizes the uselessness of predictions based on previous experience. Black Swans are events or pieces of knowledge that sit outside our regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted.” 

Eight of the 10 chapters in Voss’s book deal with general patterns of behavior, along with their potential to be managed within a negotiation. Lest readers come away with the impression that a negotiation can be planned and executed mechanically, Voss ends with a chapter devoted to what is unforeseeable. Despite the elusiveness of black swans, Voss maintains that the best negotiators know how to discover and adapt to such unexpected revelations.

“A more subtle technique is to label your negative leverage and thereby make it clear without attacking. Sentences like ‘It seems like you strongly value the fact that you’ve always paid on time’ or ‘It seems like you don’t care what position you are leaving me in’ can really open up the negotiation process.” 

Just as Voss encourages readers to soften their requests and refusals by rephrasing them as open-ended questions, he suggests that they present any negative leverage not as a direct threat but as a neutral label. That way a counterpart becomes aware of the leverage without feeling attacked.

“It’s not human nature to embrace the unknown. It scares us. When we are confronted by it, we ignore it, we run away, or we label it in ways that allow us to dismiss it. In negotiations, that label most often takes the form of the statement, ‘They’re crazy!’”

Voss addresses the temptation to dismiss a counterpart as crazy. The risk of doing so is that it precludes any attempt to really understand the other’s perspective. Lacking such an attempt, the chance of uncovering a black swan, which might make the counterpart’s behavior appear sane after all, diminishes significantly.

“If this book accomplishes only one thing, I hope it gets you over that fear of conflict and encourages you to navigate it with empathy. If you’re going to be great at anything—a great negotiator, a great manager, a great husband, a great wife—you’re going to have to do that.” 

Voss concludes as he started: with a reminder of the various negotiation opportunities and contexts that life has to offer. He places special emphasis on overcoming the fears that often inhibit willing participation as a negotiator. He also ties negotiation not merely to performance but to identity as an employee or family member. By bringing fears out into the open and demonstrating positive leverage to readers, conditional upon their commitment, Voss continues to embody the model of negotiation developed throughout the book.

“Remember, pushing hard for what you believe is not selfish. It is not bullying. It is not just helping you. […] With the style of negotiation taught in the book—an information-obsessed, empathic search for the best possible deal—you are trying to uncover value, period.” 

Voss addresses those who are hesitant to apply his techniques for fear of becoming or appearing self-centered. He reminds such readers that his techniques can be used to pursue any worthwhile cause, and that if a cause is truly worthwhile, it deserves to be supported with the best possible techniques. He thus appeals to readers’ desire for both their own well-being and that of society.