My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey

“Our cerebral cortex is divided into two major hemispheres, which complement one another in function…The two hemispheres communicate with one another through the highway for information transfer, the corpus callosum. Although each hemisphere is unique in the specific types of information it processes, when the two hemispheres are connected to one another, they work together to create a single seamless perception of the world.”

The author introduces our brain’s two hemispheres, which will play a major role in her work She explains that while these sides of our brain are different, the corpus callosum allows them to work in tandem.

“The anterior, middle, and posterior cerebral arteries supply blood to each of the two hemispheres. Damage to any specific branch of one of these major arteries may result in somewhat predictable symptoms of severe impairment or complete elimination of our ability to perform specific cognitive functions.”

Taylor educates the reader on the causes and consequences of stroke by explaining that blood flowing through arteries and blood vessels is what keeps our brain alive. During a stroke, a blood vessel may be blocked or broken open completely, damaging the part of the brain closest to those vessels and compromising brain function.

“With ischemic stroke, a blood clot travels into the artery until the tapered diameter of the artery becomes too small for the blood to pass any farther. The blood clot blocks the flow of oxygen rich blood to the cells beyond the point of obstruction. Consequently, brain cells become traumatized and often die.”

The author educates the reader on ischemic strokes, which are the most common form of stroke, affecting 83% of stroke patients. Blood clots that block narrow arteries in the brain cause these strokes, preventing nourishing blood from reaching the brain’s cells. While ischemic strokes are much more common, Taylor’s own stroke was hemorrhagic.

“The hemorrhagic stroke occurs when blood escapes from the arteries and floods into the brain. Seventeen percent of all strokes are hemorrhagic. Blood is toxic to neurons when it comes into direct contact with them, so any leak or vascular blowout can have devastating effects on the brain…Any type of hemorrhage is often life threatening.”

Taylor’s explanation of hemorrhagic strokes reveals how dangerous her own arteriovenous malformation was, and how fortunate it was that she survived. Interestingly, while blood flow is vitally necessary for brain cells to live and function, direct contact with blood has a devastating effect on brain cells.

“The better we understand the functional organization of the two cerebral hemispheres, the easier it is to predict what deficits might occur when specific areas are damaged. Perhaps more important, we might gain some insight into what we can do to help stroke survivors recover lost function.”

The author advocates for further research into both the left and right hemispheres of the brain in order to better support stroke survivors and patients with other forms of brain trauma.

“To the right mind, no time exists other than the present moment, and each moment is vibrant with sensation. Life or death occurs in the present moment. The experience of joy happens in the present moment. Our perception and experience of connection with something that is greater than ourselves occurs in the present moment. To our right mind, the moment of now is timeless and abundant.”

Unlike the left hemisphere, which is adept at reminiscing about the past or projecting into the future, the right hemisphere perceives reality as timeless and focuses on the present moment. Taylor later builds on this thought by explaining that registering the present is key to halting anxious thoughts and accessing inner peace.

“Our left-brain language centers use words to describe, define, categorize, and communicate about everything. They break the big-picture perception of the present moment into manageable and comparable bits of data that they can talk about. Our left hemisphere looks at a flower and names the different parts making up the whole-the petal, stem, stamen, and pollen.”

The author provides the example of labeling a flower to demonstrate how the left brain perceives reality through an analytical, rationalist lens. Our left hemispheres excel at imposing logic on situations to achieve understanding.

“I felt bizarre, as if my conscious mind was suspended somewhere between my normal reality and some esoteric space. Although this experience was somewhat reminiscent of my morning time in Thetaville, I was sure that this time, I was awake…Dazed, I felt the frequency of shooting pangs escalate inside my brain…”

The author captures her experience of stroke by comparing her state of mind to “Thetaville,” the sensation we feel just before we fall asleep. She shares that her stroke causes her to experience conflicting feelings, such as both sharp pains and sleepiness, sluggishness and a sense of urgency.

“I must admit that the growing void in my traumatized brain was entirely seductive. I welcomed the reprieve that the silence brought from the constant chatter that related me to what I now perceived as the insignificant affairs of society.”

Because her right brain cannot fully register her panic and create linear steps to solve her problem, Taylor feels tempted to simply ignore her stroke and allow it to overtake her. Without her left mind’s brain chatter, she feels less invested in behaving in a certain way and seeking help.

“Oh I am so tired. I feel so tired. I just want to rest. I just want to lie down and relax for a little while. But resounding like thunder from deep within my being, a commanding voice spoke clearly to me: If you lie down now you will never get up!”

In spite of her exhaustion and confusion, Taylor’s brain is still able to produce a powerful warning to her to motivate her to concentrate and seek help for her stroke. This passage demonstrates how the author’s mind had competing interests even as it undergoes trauma in the form of a hemorrhagic stroke.

“If the information was still there, I could no longer retrieve it. I wondered if I would ever reconnect with linguistic thought or retrieve the mental images of my life. I was saddened that perhaps those portions of my mind were now lost forever.”

Taylor is surprisingly lucid during her stroke and tries to remember key information. Though she feels calm throughout much of her stroke, she is upset to think that her intellectual abilities may be compromised, showing how important they are to her daily life and identity.

“At this point, it didn’t take a brain scientist to understand what was going on in my brain. The longer the blood from the hemorrhage continued to spill into the cortex, the more massive the tissue damage would become and the more cognitively inept I would be.”

Taylor creates suspense by reminding the reader that any hemorrhagic stroke is life-threatening and even if the patient survives, they can have permanent intellectual damage. This quotation adds to the reader’s feelings of urgency and discomfort and helps them become more invested in Taylor’s crisis.

“I felt besieged by their touching, probing, and piercing; like a slug sprinkled with salt, I writhed in response. I wanted to scream, Leave me alone! but my voice had fallen silent.”

With her sensitive right-mind in charge, Taylor is deeply upset by her doctors’ brusque treatment. Unfortunately, her stroke leaves her without her the ability to articulate her thoughts, and so she feels especially vulnerable to unwanted medical attention.

“In my new mind, in my new perspective, that Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor died that morning and no longer existed. Now that I didn’t know her-her life relationships, successes, and mistakes, I was no longer bound to her decisions or self-induced limitations. Although I experienced enormous grief for the death of my left hemisphere consciousness and the woman I had been, I concurrently felt tremendous relief.”

Taylor’s stroke marks a major identity shift, particularly in the days following the event. This passage reminds the reader that our identities are not maintained by every part of our brains, but are the responsibility of the left hemisphere’s ego center. Interestingly, losing her sense of being “Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor” is not entirely negative, as it leaves the author feeling liberated from the emotional baggage and responsibilities of her former self. Taylor’s experience challenges the reader to contemplate their own identity and the possibility of being distanced from it.

“I experienced people as concentrated packages of energy. Doctors and nurses were massive conglomerations of powerful beams of energy that came and went. I felt rushed by an outer world that did not understand how to communicate with me. Because I could not speak or understand language, I sat on the sideline of life.”

While Taylor is “sidelined,” she can still register the tone and feelings of those around her by using her intuitive right mind. This quotation demonstrates how people can convey their moods and intentions to stroke survivors even without spoken or written communication. Taylor’s experience is a valuable resource for medical professionals who want to provide compassionate care.

“I remember clearly the moment G.G. came into my room. She looked me straight in the eye and came right to my bedside. She was gracious and calm, said her hellos to those in the room, and then lifted my sheet and proceeded to crawl into bed with me. She immediately wrapped me up in her arms and I melted into the familiarity of her snuggle. It was an amazing moment in my life. Somehow, she understood that I was no longer her Harvard doctor daughter, but instead I was now her infant again.”

G.G. plays a major role in Taylor’s recovery as a source of moral and practical support. This quote demonstrates G.G.’s gift of intuition and compassion, as she understands that Taylor needs a calm, supportive and affectionate parent who respects her limitations.

“Somehow we innately understood that I needed to heal my brain and challenge my neurological systems as quickly as possible…Neurons either thrive when connected in circuit to other neurons, or they die when they sit in isolation without stimulation. G.G. and I were both highly motivated to get my brain back, so we took advantage of every moment and every precious ounce of energy.”

This passage demonstrates the close bond between mother and daughter, showing how even without the ability to communicate in detail, G.G. and Taylor have a similar outlook on her rehabilitation. Taylor’s experience may also provide a blueprint for other stroke survivors, as she explains that recovery is an urgent process since neurons must be stimulated and connected in order to heal.

“The greatest threat surgery posed was not only the loss of the language I had recovered, but also the loss of all future ability to become linguistically fluent. Since the golf-ball sized blood clot abutted the fibers of running between my two language centers in my left hemisphere, it was possible that language might be excised during the surgical process.”

Taylor’s stroke posed a frightening dilemma since surgery was necessary to remove her blood clot but could also deprive her of speaking, reading, writing, and understanding language. Taylor’s decision to undergo the surgery and her expectation that she could recover demonstrates her optimistic and determined spirit.

“My last night in the hospital was New Year’s Eve. In the middle of the night, I sat up in the window, all alone, watching the lights of downtown Boston. I wondered what the new year would bring. I pondered the irony of my experience-a brain scientist having a stroke. I celebrated the joy I felt and the lessons I had learned. I was touched by the daunting reality: I was a stroke survivor.”

Days after her major brain surgery, Taylor contemplates the unusual and ironic turn her life has taken. Her celebration and happiness show her emotional resilience, and her ability to ponder her next steps in life reveal that her brain is already healing and making connections.

“I realized that the blessing I had received from this experience was the knowledge that deep internal peace is accessible to anyone at any time. I believe that the experience of nirvana exists in the consciousness of our right hemisphere, and that at any moment, we can choose to hook into that part of our brain.”

Looking for blessings in her difficult experience, Taylor is grateful that she now understands more about how her brain functions and how she can channel her own thoughts into experiencing joy and peace.

“The question I faced over and over again was, Do I have to regain the affect, emotion or personality trait that was neurologically linked to the memory or ability that I wanted to recover?...Could I remember money without hooking into the neurological loops of lack, greed, or selfishness? Could I regain my personal power in the world, play the game of hierarchy, and yet not lose my sense of compassion or perception of equality among all people?”

Taylor poses an intriguing question about the human mind and its associations. Ever an optimist, Taylor wants her healing process to help her regain her previous understanding of concepts without the negative emotional baggage that may be strongly associated with those things. The author believes that by intentionally monitoring her thoughts she can prevent her mind from generating negative thought patterns and maintain her right hemisphere’s compassionate nature.

“Many of us spend an inordinate amount of time and energy degrading, insulting, and criticizing ourselves (and others) for having made a “wrong” or “bad” decision. When you berate yourself, have you ever questioned: who inside of you is doing the yelling, and at whom are you yelling? Have you ever noticed how these negative internal thought patterns have the tendency to generate increased levels of inner hostility and/or raised levels of anxiety?”

Taylor challenges the reader to examine their own negative thought patterns and consider the role these thinking circuits play in their own mental health. She points out how destructive these patterns can be since they create powerful emotions, such as hostility and anxiety, which can influence our behavior. She feels that overcoming these negative patterns is an essential step to feeling peaceful and joyful.

“Most important, however, our desire for peace must be stronger than our attachment to our misery, our ego, or need to be right. I love that old saying, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” 

Taylor contrasts the left hemisphere’s ego center with our right hemisphere’s penchant for happy and contented thoughts. She claims that our need to be correct and in control directly contradicts our ability to be happy and that we must feel motivated to ignore our ego and tend to our right hemispheres.