My Dark Vanessa

Vanessa goes to Taylor’s place of work to tell her to stop trying to contact her, losing her courage when Taylor sees her. Vanessa tries to leave the building, but Taylor follows her. They go to a coffee shop, and after a few moments of small talk, Taylor asks Vanessa when her relationship with Strane ended. Taylor explains that Strane ended their relationship when rumors started at school; Vanessa tells Taylor that they were close until Strane killed himself. Taylor confesses that she was jealous of Vanessa when she and Strane were together, making references to Lolita that rattle Vanessa. Taylor admits that she and Strane did not have sex and mentions Strane’s other victims, but Vanessa refuses to identify as an abuse victim. Taylor acts shocked when Vanessa accuses her and the journalist of dishonest behavior, and the conversation falters. Vanessa leaves the coffee shop assured of her special status as the only young girl with whom Strane had sex.

Vanessa requests an emergency session from her therapist, and when they meet, she processes her guilt for not caring that Strane touched other girls. She confesses to Ruby that Strane had called her to talk about what he would do, and she did nothing about it. When Ruby points out that he abused Vanessa, she dissociates in Ruby’s office until Ruby touches Vanessa’s shoulders. With Ruby’s help, Vanessa acknowledges that she needs her relationship with Strane to be “a love story” (319), not a story about abuse.

Vanessa drinks heavily throughout the spring semester, ignoring Strane’s calls as the investigation at Browick continues. Vanessa takes Henry’s gothic literature class, and after class, they meet to talk and laugh in his office. Henry never touches Vanessa, which confuses her, especially when he makes her a CD and she wears a sexy top without a bra. Vanessa writes about these meetings in her blog.

Vanessa looks up Henry’s wife on the Browick web page, noticing that she looks like “Strane’s type” (323). During one meeting after class, Henry’s phone rings, and Vanessa feels sure the caller is his wife. When Henry hangs up abruptly, Vanessa feels as if she has won a competition. During another meeting after class, Henry mentions that his friend at Browick school mentioned a rumor about an English teacher. Vanessa unintentionally reveals that she has spoken with the English teacher and “[he] told” (325) her that all he did was touch the student’s leg. Vanessa rescinds her claim that she was raped, and Henry says he believes her.

In March, Strane sends Vanessa a folder full of documents related to Vanessa’s expulsion from Browick. In his note to her, he tells her trusts her, reminding Vanessa how much she loved him. She transcribes the note and puts it on her blog, deleting posts when someone begins to leave her anonymous comments.

At a daytime party one spring day, Vanessa talks with other students about her post-graduation plans. She mentions that she will be Henry Plough’s assistant while she applies to graduate school, and another student talks about how hot he is. The student jokes with Vanessa, implying that she understands, and Vanessa leaves the party, upset. She goes to Henry’s office, drunk, and when he is friendly to her, she tells him that she is being inappropriate. Henry looks hurt, and Vanessa changes the subject by showing him a series of missed calls from Strane on her mobile phone. She tells Henry the whole story. When he looks sad, she waits for him to embrace her, but he tells her instead that he is worried about her.

Later, Strane leaves Vanessa a message on her cell phone telling her that he is coming over. Bridget has found a kitten, and the two friends are buying a litter box when Vanessa finally talks with him and hears the anger in his voice. Bridget leaves the apartment for the night, and when Strane arrives, she notices that he is disheveled. It has been months since they have seen each other.

Strane tells Vanessa about the faculty event he was attending when he decided to drive to Vanessa’s apartment. He tells Vanessa that Henry Plough was with his wife, Penelope, and that Henry had confronted Strane in the men’s room about raping Vanessa. Vanessa wants to hear more about Henry, but Strane demands to know why Vanessa is talking to Henry about their relationship. When Strane berates Vanessa, they begin to argue. Vanessa remembers details of their conversations and events that took place, telling Strane that she felt “tied” to him (339). He begins to cry, and Vanessa lets him undress her and perform oral sex on her. She dissociates when he has sex with her, imagining herself holding the kitten while watching rain fall.

The next morning, Strane tells Vanessa more about the encounter with Henry. He tells her he knows about her blog and that Henry’s wife was once his student. As Strane leaves, he tells Vanessa that their relationship must end and that she must move on from him.

Vanessa stays in her apartment for two weeks, watching Twin Peaks and cuddling on the sofa with the kitten. She does not respond to Henry’s emails until he tells her that she is danger of failing. Vanessa goes to his office and confronts Henry about Strane. She challenges Henry, asking him why he hasn’t spoken about his wife. She refuses to accept his explanation that he keeps certain private details away from students and criticizes him for marrying a former student. Henry is gentle with Vanessa, encouraging her to come to class as the semester is nearly over.

Vanessa’s relationship with Henry changes though he tries to treat her as he always has. During the last week of class, Henry asks Vanessa to meet him in his office, where he tells her that he used to read her blog. Henry explains that he worried about Vanessa and her attachment to him, and she is embarrassed when he talks about her crush on him. Henry tries to talk honestly with Vanessa, but she resists, imagining having sex with him and finding him repulsive. She gives up her assistant job and her plans for graduate school, sickened by the thought of repeating her experiences in another academic setting. In the years that follow, Henry stays in touch with Vanessa, emailing her occasionally and making friends on Facebook, where she sees pictures of his family.

After graduation, Vanessa moves to Portland and takes a filing job with Child Protective Services. She reads files containing documents outlining child abuse. Strane visits her once, taking her out to dinner but refusing to come into her apartment after they eat.

As the years go by, Vanessa’s father has a heart attack. Her mother finishes her own college degree. Babe the Labrador dies. Vanessa works at administrative jobs, finally ending up at a luxury hotel in Portland, and dates various men. One day, she sees Strane from a distance, with a group of students entering a museum. He calls her the following night, and they talk about the girls in his classroom and how they remind him of Vanessa.

It is the week before Thanksgiving, and Vanessa reads Janine’s article. It focuses on a prestigious boarding school in New Hampshire. Browick releases a statement about the harassment investigation that has ultimately found Strane innocent.

Vanessa talks with Ruby about her grief and her sense of losing herself. Vanessa visits her mother, noticing her thinness and the poor condition of her house. As Vanessa prepares to go back to Portland, she talks with her mother about regrets. Her mother rants about how Vanessa was treated at Browick, lamenting all she could not do for Vanessa. When her mother asks for forgiveness, Vanessa gives it to her, thinking maybe she could forgive herself as well.

Vanessa goes to the animal shelter and adopts a dog. She names the dog Jolene, and as she walks the dog for the first time, she runs into Taylor. The two women talk about the article, and Vanessa encourages Taylor to go to therapy. Vanessa fights the urge to hug Taylor, and they wave as they say goodbye. Vanessa takes Jolene to the beach, encouraging her to run off leash. Vanessa takes Jolene home, letting her on the sofa and telling her, “He’ll never meet you” (368).