My Dark Vanessa

In a flashback to the year 2000, Vanessa and her mother drive to Norumbega, the town in Maine where Browick is located, at the start of Vanessa’s sophomore year in high school. During the drive, Vanessa’s mother encourages her to be more social. Vanessa feels dread and regrets persuading her parents to allow her to apply for a scholarship at Browick. Though Browick is as academically challenging and intellectually stimulating as Vanessa had hoped, her friendship with her freshman year roommate, Jenny, disintegrated at the end of her freshman year, and Vanessa feels insecure and lonely.

Vanessa and her mother arrive to Gould, Vanessa’s dorm, and they unpack her belongings. Vanessa hears Jenny’s mother’s voice in the hallway, remembering Tom, Jenny’s boyfriend and “the catalyst for the falling-out” (14). As Vanessa’s mother leaves, Vanessa sees Jenny and her own mother laughing together.

Ms. Thompson, Vanessa’s dorm parent, is a Spanish teacher at Browick. At the first evening meeting of the school year, Vanessa and Jenny meet the other residents, who are all upperclassmen. Vanessa notices Jenny’s new bobbed hairstyle, but the girls ignore each other. At the end of the meeting, Ms. Thompson distributes silver whistles amongst the female students who live in Gould, describing them as “a campus safety measure” (16).

On the first day of class, Vanessa notices the other students around her, observing them carefully. During the convocation speech delivered by Mr. Strane, the head of the English department, Vanessa notices his imposing size and realizes that he is her English teacher. During lunch, Vanessa goes back to her dorm and cries, feeling overwhelmed and unworthy of the scholarship she was given. She attends her afternoon classes, and English is her last class of the day. Jenny arrives to the classroom, ignoring Vanessa and sitting next to Tom, her boyfriend. Mr. Strane introduces himself to the students, asserting his reputation as “the toughest teacher at Browick” (21), inviting each of them to introduce themselves to him and to the rest of the class. He notices Vanessa, asking her personal questions, before he begins a lecture. At the end of class, Mr. Strane uses a four-letter word to describe how tired he feels, then asks the class for their permission to use curse words in front of them.

As the first weeks of the school year pass, Vanessa’s bedroom grows messier and messier. Her teachers complain to her advisor, Mrs. Antonova, that Vanessa is disorganized. Mrs. Antonova is cold to Vanessa and the other advisees, but Vanessa follows her advice to join the creative writing club, moderated by Mr. Strane.

At the first meeting of the creative writing club, Vanessa and Jesse Ly, the only other member of the club, meet in Mr. Strane’s classroom. After Vanessa and Jesse review submissions to the school’s literary journal, Jesse leaves, and Vanessa and Mr. Strane talk about poetry and Vanessa’s failed friendship with Jenny. Mr. Strane offers to read Vanessa’s work and compliments her dress. Vanessa continues to attend creative writing club, noticing that Mr. Strane treats her differently than Jesse.

One afternoon, Vanessa takes refuge under a maple tree, feeling anxious and restless. Mr. Strane approaches her as she reads one of her own poems and asks her why she appears upset. Vanessa tells him that the fall always makes her feel panicky. She shares a poem with him, and he compliments her writing. Before Mr. Strane leaves Vanessa to return to his classroom, he holds a maple leaf up to her hair, pointing out the similarity in color. After Mr. Strane leaves, Vanessa looks for the leaf he dropped, placing it carefully in her notebook when she finds it. Later, in her room, she realizes that he might have seen her looking for the leaf.

The following weekend, Vanessa goes home for her father’s birthday. Her parents have a new Labrador puppy named “Babe,” and Vanessa adores the young dog. At the end of the weekend, Vanessa’s mother drives Vanessa back to school, and Vanessa reveals that one of her teachers compared her hair to a maple leaf, then lies to cover up Mr. Strane’s identity when her mother disapproves.

At school, Vanessa observes Ms. Thompson and Mr. Strane walking together. She begins to take notes on the personal details of Mr. Strane’s life that he reveals in class. When Mr. Strane gives her a copy of Sylvia Plath’s book of poems Ariel, he tells her that one of the poems reminds him of Vanessa, and she reads the entire book in one sitting. Vanessa returns the book to Mr. Strane, describing the poems as “self-absorbed” (39), and when he gives her a book of Emily Dickinson poems, she describes them as “boring” (39). He gives her more poems to read as well as feedback on her own poetry. Soon, Vanessa is spending every “faculty service hour” (40) in his classroom, studying while Mr. Strane works.

During parents’ weekend, Vanessa’s parents appear out of place among the rest of the parents. Both her mother and father notice Mr. Strane, and Vanessa’s mother criticizes Mr. Sheldon, Vanessa’s politics teacher (and the person Vanessa named as the teacher who compared her hair to maple leaves). Vanessa is relieved when her parents leave early.

One afternoon, all of Mr. Strane’s students deliver their thesis statements to him for feedback. Only Vanessa’s thesis statement is deemed “perfect” (43), and while the other students fine-tune their work, Mr. Strane suggests that Vanessa have an impromptu conference on one of her poems. He points out some lines in the poem that sound “sexy” (44), placing his hand on Vanessa’s knee as they talk. Vanessa leaves the classroom feeling changed.

One day at work, Vanessa receives a text message from her ex-boyfriend, Ira. It has been three months since they split up, and she agrees to have a drink with him at the end of her shift. After work, she meets him outside the hotel, and they go to a bar. Vanessa is uncomfortable in the bar, and grows more so when Ira brings up Taylor’s Facebook post. She denies having spoken with Strane and when Ira offers support to Vanessa, she asks to change the subject. They each finish their drink, and Vanessa expects to drink more and to spend the night with Ira, but he requests the bill suddenly, signaling that their time together is ending. As they leave the bar, Ira asks Vanessa what her therapist Ruby says about the Facebook post. Vanessa explains that Ruby knows nothing about neither her relationship with Strane nor the Facebook post. Ira is impatient, and Vanessa defends herself by telling Ira that she only sees Ruby to process her grief over her father’s death. As Ira leaves Vanessa, he tells her he is in a relationship with someone new and that they are moving in together.

The following day, Vanessa wakes at noon to a phone call from Strane. He tells her that the school is not allowing him on campus for the time being and asks to see Vanessa. They meet at a coffee shop, the first meeting they have had in five years, and Vanessa observes that Strane has aged. She finds his appearance “shocking” (54). Strane talks with Vanessa about his anxiety for his future, and she reassures him that she is trustworthy as she prepares to leave the coffee shop to go to work at the hotel. Vanessa suggests they meet for dinner and spend the night together, remembering the disappointment when they last attempted to have sex, five years ago. Strane turns down her suggestion. As they embrace and part ways, Vanessa feels sadness at the fact that they can hug in public now and “the world doesn’t even notice” (58) because they are both adults.

At home after work, Vanessa re-reads the message Taylor had sent her before Taylor posted her accusation on Facebook. She snoops on Facebook, looking at Taylor’s photographs and profile, before looking at her own. Vanessa looks at photos of herself on her phone, sending a picture of her 17-year-old self to Strane, realizing all the while that she “can’t move on” (59).

Vanessa attends the Halloween dance, dressed as a cat, thinking she will see Mr. Strane. She observes the other students, noticing that Jenny and Tom appear to have had an argument. Mr. Strane leaves the dining hall, so she follows him and sees him lighting up a cigarette outside the building. They talk, and he advises her not to smoke before telling her that he would like to tuck her into bed and kiss her goodnight, shocking Vanessa into silence. They are interrupted by Ms. Thompson, and Mr. Strane goes back into the dance, leaving Vanessa alone. When she too returns to the dance, she takes a swig of alcohol from another’s water bottle, sputtering from the taste of it. Vanessa leaves the dance, hoping Strane will follow her, and when he does not appear, she returns to her dorm. Vanessa imagines Ms. Thompson teasing Mr. Strane about Vanessa’s attention to him and writes the word “bitch” on the dry erase board outside Ms. Thompson’s door.

The following morning, Ms. Thompson asks all the residents of Gould who wrote the word on her board. No one responds. Later, feeling guilty, Vanessa offers to walk Ms. Thompson’s dog, and as they walk, the midday sun melts the previous night’s snow. Vanessa and Mya the husky walk to downtown Norumbega, and Vanessa stops outside the library, hoping to spot Mr. Strane and remembering he had said once that he lives near the library. When Mr. Strane drives up and enters his house, Vanessa watches him through his windows from the street.

The next day in class, Vanessa tells Mr. Strane she saw him taking groceries out of his car. He tells her that she should have said hello, and when she voices her concern that she could have been seen, he asks why that should matter. Vanessa feels angry, sensing she is being toyed with, and she leaves the classroom. Eventually, her rage subsides, and she is left feeling nothing but desire for Mr. Strane.

Near the middle of the semester, Vanessa learns that she is nearly failing geometry. Mrs. Antonova, her advisor, tells her she needs a tutor. In English class, Mr. Strane encourages everyone to think about a Robert Frost poem through a sexual lens, and the class is uncomfortably silent. Mr. Strane calls them all “puritans” (71) and dismisses them.

During the next meeting of the creative writing club, Jesse does not appear, and Vanessa is alone with Mr. Strane. They discuss class and Mr. Strane gives Vanessa a copy of Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita, telling Vanessa it must be kept a secret.

Over Thanksgiving break at home on Whalesback Lake, Vanessa goes on hikes, thinking about Mr. Strane and his claim that he has been to the lake himself. She reads Lolita in the evenings, hiding it from her parents. Vanessa’s father drives her back to school, and Vanessa notices that the lyrics of the pop song on the car radio describe the male singer’s sexual attraction to an underage girl.

After Thanksgiving break, Vanessa contemplates the notion of risk and what it might be like to be in Mr. Strane’s position. She decides to “meet him in the middle” (75), feeling empathy for his vulnerability as an adult man and admiring his bravery. Vanessa finds a passage in Lolita that makes her feel empowered. The next day, she puts make-up on and rearranges her hair, and in English class, the students discuss a poem by Edgar Allen Poe. The fact that Poe married his 13-year-old cousin amuses Vanessa, and after class, she gives Mr. Strane a suggestive poem of hers to read. His quiet reaction confuses Vanessa, then deflates her, and she becomes tearful. Mr. Strane comforts her with a hug and confesses that he is in love with Vanessa before he locks the door to his classroom so they can kiss.

After class the next day, Mr. Strane asks Vanessa if she feels “overwhelmed” (84), and when she claims she is not, they plan for Vanessa to come back to the classroom after faculty service hour. She returns, and they “kiss in the dark” (85).

As Christmas draws near, Vanessa participates in her dorm’s gift exchange, purchasing a cheap bag of coffee for Jenny, her Secret Santa. Vanessa is unmoved by Jenny’s generous gift and personal note. Another resident in the dorm asks Ms. Thompson about her boyfriend, and Ms. Thompson denies having one, confusing the student who believed that she and Mr. Strane were together. Vanessa and Mr. Strane grow closer, and Vanessa dreads the Christmas break and the three-week separation from him. She begins to refer to him as “Strane.”

When Vanessa and Strane meet one last time in his classroom before the Christmas break, he invites her to stay overnight at his house after the break, when Vanessa returns to school. He offers to make her dinner and suggests they watch a movie together. Vanessa agrees, going home for the three-week break and spends time watching television with her mother, reading about losing one’s virginity in teen magazines, and thinking about having sex with Strane. She steals a silky nightgown from her mother’s dresser and returns to school.

The first Monday morning back on campus, Vanessa goes to look for Strane in his classroom. They reunite with passion, both counting the days till Friday, when Vanessa sneaks out of her dorm at night to meet in his car. At his house, Strane shows Vanessa around. After giving her a pair of pajamas covered in a strawberry print, he denies her request that they watch TV, suggesting instead that they go straight to bed. Vanessa changes into the pajamas while Strane stays fully dressed, and in bed, they talk about Strane’s relationship with his mother, whom he describes as “angry” (97) and his decision not to marry. He offers to sleep on the couch, and when Vanessa tells him not to, they begin to kiss. Sooner than Vanessa expects, Strane performs oral sex on her and afterward, she falls asleep. She wakes a few hours later and finds Strane next to her in bed, naked. She is repulsed by his erection, manipulating him reluctantly and denying him the oral sex he requests. When Strane penetrates her, she tries to stop him; he ignores her and says he has had a vasectomy. When they have sex, she cries, but he does not stop. They have sex once more, and Vanessa decides to reassure Strane that she enjoyed the sex, lying instead of telling him that she “felt forced” (103). Strane drives Vanessa back to school, unsure if he should believe her when she says she feels “fine” (104).