My Bloody Life: The Making of a Latin King

“It wasn’t until we moved that I realized how big and racially diverse Chicago was. So many worlds collided with each other on the way north from the Mexican area of Eighteenth Street and Western Avenue toward the Puerto Rican area at Western and Potomac Street. We went past an African American neighborhood, then through Polish and Italian areas. I saw railroad tracks, parks, and kids enjoying themselves in the spray of water coming from a fire hydrant. The buildings changed in style, each telling their own unique architectural story. It seemed like the city embraced its dwellers the way a mother demonstrates love for her child.”

Chicago’s multicultural neighborhoods and architectural variety evoke a sense of inclusivity and belonging. Sanchez anthropomorphizes the city in the line “It seemed like the city embraced its dwellers the way a mother demonstrates love for her child,” which contrasts the warmth of the city with the neglect that he experienced at home. He also reflects, through his experience, how difficult it is for a foreigner to integrate, although he had US citizenship as a Puerto Rico resident. This portrayal reveals Sanchez’s affection for the city while hinting at the complexities of its racial and cultural intersections.

“All the white people I had encountered since coming to Chicago were friendly and nice. I told the guys about some white boys I had passed on the way to school. They seemed friendly enough. They kept pointing at the sky with their middle fingers. I thought they were showing me how beautiful it was. They also yelled words that I understood to be friendly gestures. I had never heard these words before. They yelled ‘punk,’ ‘spic,’ ‘pussy,’ ‘son of a bitch,’ and I think they even offered me a pork chop. Julio, Jorge, and Noel laughed uncontrollably as I told them about these white boys. After the laughter they explained to me what I was being called and what the middle finger pointed at the sky meant. I felt like an idiot. All day long I kept thinking about what the white boys were saying to me. Now I was scared. I had never experienced such hatred.”

This quote highlights Sanchez’s initial naivety and the painful process of encountering racial hatred in a new environment. The narrative portrays the loss of innocence that comes with such experiences. His misinterpretation of the offensive gestures and words underscores his unfamiliarity with cultural and linguistic nuances, making the eventual realization of their hostility even more jarring. The laughter of his friends juxtaposed with his growing fear exemplifies the use of humor as a coping mechanism and the lingering impact of encountering hatred for the first time.

“About five or ten minutes into my homework I heard Pedro come in. He walked over to me, looked over my shoulder, and started screaming in rage about the numbers I was writing. You see, the asshole was uneducated and illiterate; to him, all numbers were illegal lottery numbers. Before I could react, I felt a sharp pain across my back and then again, and again, and again. I fell to the floor screaming and crying in pain. I begged my mother to stop him from beating me. My dear mother responded by kicking me and whipping me with an extension cord.”

This quote depicts one of the instances of physical and emotional abuse that Sanchez endured in his household. The cycle of abuse and misunderstanding portrays the destructive effects of ignorance and violence within his home. Pedro’s rage, stemming from his illiteracy and misconceptions, and Sanchez’s mother’s equally brutal response underscore the absence of a nurturing or protective environment that eventually led to Sanchez seeking security through gang affiliation.

“I was only thirteen. I was too young to understand that what Maria did was wrong. At the time I thought sex with an older woman was the stuff of dreams. Now I know that’s bullshit. Yes, I learned about sexual feelings that night, but nothing else—no emotions or thoughts were shared. It was sex and nothing more.”

In this quote, Sanchez confronts the sexual exploitation he experienced as a young teenager, re-evaluating what he once perceived as a fantasy through the lens of maturity and understanding. His acknowledgment of the absence of emotional connection or mutual respect in his sexual encounter with Maria highlights the hollow and damaging nature of the encounter.

“After six months of loneliness and hell my mother decided to send me back to Chicago to live with Pedro’s son Hector. She grew tired of breaking up fights between Pedro and me, and said I was the cause of all her troubles. She said she didn’t know what else to do with me so she sent me away. I should have been hurt that she felt that way but instead I was elated. I only wished she had gotten tired of me much sooner.”

This quote depicts the profound emotional neglect and rejection that Sanchez experienced from his mother, who prioritized her own convenience over his well-being. Her decision to send him away, framed as a solution to her troubles, depicts the lack of maternal support and understanding in his life. Rather than feeling abandoned, Sanchez’s elation at leaving illustrates the depth of his suffering at home, where he saw escape as a form of relief rather than loss.

“I confess that I wanted to hurt a white person just as much as the others did. However, killing was not something I had a desire to do. It was my first up-close lesson in street justice—Latinos hunting whites and vice versa. Innocent people, like those who were attacked in the park by the Gaylords, were usually the victims. Racial hatred just seemed natural, as if it was somebody’s right to kill others as long as the victims were of another race.”

Sanchez’s conflicted emotions as he navigated the racially charged violence ingrained in gang culture reveal both his anger and his reluctance to fully embrace such brutality. His observation of “street justice” depicts the destructive cycle of racial hatred, where violence becomes normalized and innocent people bear the brunt of collective prejudice. By acknowledging the false sense of entitlement to harm others based on race, Sanchez critiques the deep-seated biases and systemic failings that perpetuate this destructive behavior.

“Lil Chino told us to come to the clubhouse later that night. We both assumed that I was going to be beat up, or violated, as they called it. I couldn’t figure out why losing a sweater was such a big deal. Papo explained that since Crazy One told me to hold the sweater he would probably get a violation also. I wasn’t a Lord; by putting me in charge of ‘the colors’ he had violated a rule. (Gang colors are precious to their members. Gang members are willing to maim, kill, and die for colors that have a special meaning only to them. It would be one thing if they kept this practice among themselves but all too often an innocent bystander gets involved in this stupid game. At any given time someone could get shot, beat up, or killed because of the color of the clothes they’re wearing.)”

Sanchez depicts the rigid and often irrational rules governing gang culture, where even minor infractions like losing a sweater carry severe consequences. Sanchez’s reflection on the absurdity and violence surrounding gang loyalty reveals his growing awareness of the senselessness of the system, particularly when innocent lives are endangered by arbitrary codes. Sanchez critiques the misplaced priorities and destructive nature of gang life. However, he persistently chose to align with the gang, due mostly to a lack of options in his environment.

“My experiences with adults influenced my everyday actions. My brutality with Jenny took place without regret, as if she was my property to do with whatever I wanted. My wish was her command, or else.”

This quote underscores how Sanchez’s toxic relationships with adults shaped his distorted understanding of power and control, leading to his abusive behavior toward Jenny. His lack of regret or foresight reflects the normalization of violence and disregard for emotional connections that he internalized from his environment.

“Pebbles looked out the window and pointed out the Vicelords for me. She grabbed my groin, squeezed gently, kissed me, and told me that the sooner I got it over with the quicker I could have her. I made up my mind right then and there to go ahead with the whole thing. […] I did just as Hercules had instructed: pump and shoot, pump and shoot. People were screaming and running all over the place. I ran up on the curb and saw a couple of people pleading for mercy as they bled to death.”

Sanchez describes the desensitization and moral decay that he experienced within the gang environment, where peer pressure, distorted desires, and racial dehumanization fueled his actions. Pebbles tied violence to sexual reward, illustrating how toxic relationships and warped incentives reinforced Sanchez’s willingness to commit atrocities. Nevertheless, here, as in many other instances in the book, Sanchez explains his violence through his circumstances. While he was the one who pulled the trigger, his environment and trauma are depicted as the real agents who carried out the murders.

“She started to tell me about why she had been crying. China’s father was Mexican; her mother was Puerto Rican. They divorced when she was about five years old. Her mother had an affair with a friend of her father. That guy was now her stepfather. The same thing that happened to me in my family was now happening to China. […] Listening to China brought back vivid memories of how Pedro used to abuse me.”

In this quote, Sanchez draws a parallel between his own experiences and those of China, pointing to the cyclical and pervasive nature of abuse within dysfunctional families. China’s story triggers vivid memories for Sanchez, showing how unresolved pain and neglect can create a bond through mutual understanding yet also reinforce the long-term scars of such environments.

“Nine days of unconsciousness in a coma caused by hate and ignorance. I almost died at fourteen. […] I was lost with no safer days in sight. Those who came to my side and supported me were lost themselves. Although they meant well, they came talking only about revenge. It was the only encouragement I came to know.”

This quote illustrates Sanchez’s sense of being completely lost and trapped in a world defined by physical danger and the absence of meaningful resources or guidance to escape. His coma is a symbol of the perilous environment he inhabited, where “hate and ignorance” were constants, leaving him with no clear path to safety or stability. The well-meaning but misguided focus on revenge from those around him underscores the lack of constructive support systems.

“China saw right through my mask. She was there when Morena told me about the police and saw how worried I was. […] China said she didn’t want a hard-core gangbanger for a boyfriend. She also said that she had decided to make love to me but now that was an impossibility. I knew this wasn’t really true. She often used that type of psychology with me, but it didn’t work anymore.”

This quote depicts China’s attempt to influence Sanchez’s behavior. She used both emotional appeals and ultimatums in the hope of steering him away from gang life. Her ability to see through his facade highlights her understanding of his internal struggle, even as she employed manipulation to try to motivate him. However, Sanchez’s recognition that her tactics no longer worked represents his growing desensitization and resistance to change.

“Pulling the trigger was becoming second nature to me. I didn’t know how to load or unload guns and had no idea that they came in different sizes. All I knew was how to point and pull the trigger. Pulling the trigger was not only a way of enhancing my image; it also improved my chances of getting girls. Girls loved me. They gave me attention, affection, and sex because I pulled the trigger without hesitation.”

In this quote, Sanchez exposes the dangerous normalization of violence in his life, where using a gun became both a reflexive action and a distorted means of gaining status and validation. His lack of technical knowledge about guns contrasts with his proficiency in using them to project power, reflecting the superficial and destructive priorities instilled by gang culture. The connection between violence and social rewards, particularly attention from girls, establishes a toxic cycle where brutality is glamorized. The repetition of the phrase “pulling the trigger” underscores the frequency with which Sanchez committed gun violence and the thoughtlessness with which he approached these tasks.

“Until that day, I thought Cubana was different from the other girls who hung around the Latin Kings. But she turned out to be the same. She wasn’t a virgin as she had claimed, and although she wasn’t too into drugs and alcohol, violent guys were her weakness. This encounter strengthened my view of all women being bitches.”

Sanchez depicts his deepening cynicism and objectification of women, shaped by the toxic environment he inhabited. His disillusionment with Cubana, stemming from unmet expectations, led him to generalize and adopt a dismissive, exploitative view of women, reflecting the pervasive misogyny of gang culture.

“One day, however, everything changed. Rosie came to class and, instead of avoiding me as usual, she sat next to me. […] She asked how my weekend went. […] I didn’t know what to say to her. I just sat there staring at her like a fool. Rosie took the initiative and did all the talking. […] Rosie said that she wanted to see more of me and she was sorry for being so rude.”

This quote illustrates the deceptive tactics used in gang dynamics, as Rosie manipulated Sanchez’s emotions to lure him into a trap. Her sudden shift from avoidance to flirtation played on his surprise and unguarded state, showing how trust can be weaponized in environments fraught with betrayal. Sanchez’s initial naivety and disbelief highlight his vulnerability and represent the precariousness of navigating relationships in a world where personal connections are often intertwined with ulterior motives and gang rivalries.

“Again I began having nightmares. The Chi-West girl appeared again, getting shot over and over. This time the Gaylords and the Gangster who got hit by the van appeared also. The girl would get shot, the Gaylord begged for mercy, the Gangster flew and bounced off cars. All three fell in a bloody mess. I would snap out of it only to fall right back to sleep and continue the whole thing all over again.”

Sanchez describes one of the common episodes of psychological turmoil he experienced. His nightmares reflect the haunting consequences of the violence he witnessed and participated in. The recurring, vivid imagery of the “bloody mess” of his victims represents Sanchez’s subconscious guilt and the inescapable nature of the trauma he endured.

“Gang members believe that a dead comrade will not rest in peace unless their death is avenged. A gang’s honor and reputation are at stake if every action taken against them is not met with a worthy act of retaliation. Most of the anger in the hearts of gang members stems from the memory of dead comrades. It is this anger that binds members and keeps the gang like a family. Those same memories are transplanted into the hearts of new members in order to continue building hatred. New members seek to avenge the deaths of people they never knew until they have their own fresh memory to go on. Memories of a dead comrade fan the flames of gang warfare. It is, and always will be, the hardest thing to extinguish.”

This quote provides an analysis of the cyclical nature of gang violence, where the need for vengeance becomes both a moral code and a binding force within the group. The emphasis on anger and the transference of memories illustrates how gangs perpetuate intergenerational hatred, using collective grief to indoctrinate new members and sustain their loyalty.

“In the weeks that followed, by order of the leaders in prison, the gangs in Chicago formed themselves into two organizations: the Peoples and the Folks. Peoples and Folks are just like the Cryps and Bloods of Los Angeles—a group of gangs united to help each other kill off another group of gangs. The Peoples were Latin Kings, Vicelords, Gaylords, and all gangs affiliated with them. They wore hats tilted to the left and crossed their arms with the right on top of the left as a representation. The Folks were Disciples, Cobras, and all their affiliates. They represented the same way, only in the opposite direction. A show of colors on clothing also became very popular. Kids as well as adults were being shot at, beaten up, and harassed in any way possible just because of the clothes they wore. The style of clothes didn’t matter; it was the colors that counted.”

This quote depicts the institutionalization and escalation of gang warfare in prison through the unification of smaller gangs into larger factions, creating a more organized and destructive dynamic. The symbolic use of clothing and physical gestures reflects the importance of identity and allegiance within gang culture, where even minor outward signs can become life-threatening. This shows that the justice system does not, in fact, resolve gang violence through imprisonment.

“I often sought out Freddy, or else he came looking for me. He provided me with food and shelter for most of the winter in exchange for sex, of course. Freddy was a closet homosexual. He asked me not to come around when he had visitors. He would give me money so that I could get a hotel room when he had a weekend guest. I used the money to get high and slept in hallways. Having sex with Freddy became natural and something to look forward to. There was no kissing, no caressing, no passion whatsoever. Just sex, raw sex.”

This quote reveals the extreme measures that Sanchez took to survive during periods of vulnerability, showing how desperation can lead to exploitative relationships. The transactional nature of his relationship with Freddy illustrates the lack of genuine connection or consent, with survival overshadowing emotional or moral considerations. Sanchez’s normalization of this dynamic reflects the profound emotional detachment that he developed as a coping mechanism in response to a life marked by instability and exploitation.

“On my birthday that year I experimented with cocaine like I had never done before. Now I was living the good life. I had money, a car, expensive clothes, and plenty of female attention. […] We sat at a table snorting coke all night. The more we snorted, the more we wanted. After that night, coke became my drug of choice. I couldn’t function without it.”

This quote depicts Sanchez’s descent into chaos as he increasingly lost control over his life. Cocaine symbolizes a new and dangerous escalation in his self-destructive behavior. By indulging in excessive drug use under the guise of celebration and luxury, Sanchez perpetuated a lifestyle that eroded his sense of stability and amplified his dependency on fleeting highs.

“Confrontations were the norm. I was unfortunate to end up in a cell house where the majority of the inmates were incarcerated for gangwarfare-related charges. One-on-one fights in locked cells were a daily occurrence. […] There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide—you had to back up your words with violence.”

Sanchez depicts the pervasive culture of violence and intimidation within the prison system, where he found himself trapped in an environment ruled by aggression and gang loyalty. The unrelenting pressure to follow up every threat with violence reflects the zero-sum dynamics of survival in prison, where any perceived weakness invites both personal and collective punishment.

“I played Cubana dirty every chance I had and because of that we argued a lot. I became physically abusive with Cubana. She became very afraid of me. Every time she raised her voice to me I would slap her and grab her neck or worse. Once when she didn’t want to have sex with me I pushed her down the stairs and locked her out of the apartment until the next day. I always said I was sorry and she always forgave me. I think she was too scared to do anything else. The abuse continued. The apartment became a Latin King hangout. Cubana didn’t like the idea, but she did nothing about it. When she did complain, she got slapped.”

Sanchez’s unchecked anger and desire for control manifested in physical violence and emotional manipulation. His repeated apologies followed by continued abuse highlight a destructive cycle of remorse and harm, where Cubana’s fear paralyzed her from seeking help or asserting herself. The transformation of their shared space into a gang hangout symbolizes the erosion of any sense of safety or stability in their relationship, further cementing an environment dominated by Sanchez’s violence and the influence of gang culture.

“The Kings had already heard about me overdosing at the hospital. They also knew about Loca being shot but didn’t give that as much importance as my overdosing. It seemed to me that the new hierarchy of Kings on the street had an ongoing desire to get me violated out of the gang. They didn’t care about me endangering my life with a coke habit. No, they were upset because I had broken the rules by becoming a junkie.”

This quote highlights the skewed priorities and cold indifference of gang culture, where loyalty to the rules takes precedence over the well-being of its members. The emphasis on punishment over support depicts the transactional and punitive nature of gang dynamics, where individuals are valued only as long as they conform to the rigid expectations of the group.