More Happy Than Not

(Age Nine)

Part 0 recounts all the memories that were erased by the Leteo procedure. It begins when Aaron is nine years old and crying because he hates himself, his life, and his family’s small, sad apartment. His mother comforts him, and he says he’s afraid to tell her what he is. His brother Eric shouts that Aaron is gay. Aaron says no, that he’s afraid of going crazy like Uncle Connor and committing suicide. Eric calls Aaron a freak and says he’s only trying to help.

(Age Ten)

Eric and Aaron play X-Men on the new PlayStation they got for Christmas. Aaron likes to play as Jean Grey, but Eric tells him to stop playing girl characters and pick a boy.

(Age Eleven)

The superintendent opens the fire hydrant for the kids to play in. Brendan takes his shirt off, and Aaron can’t stop looking at him. Brendan goes out of state to visit his family; while he’s gone, Aaron draws a picture of Brendan as a Pokémon master.

(Age Twelve)

Aaron learns about Shakespeare. He thinks he’d like to be an actor because it’s better than sports. He tells his father that, in Shakespeare’s day, the men used to play all the roles, even those of the women. His father says, “You’re a boy […] Don’t ever act like a girl” (160).

(Age Thirteen)

Brendan tells Aaron he got his first blowjob. He’s very proud, but it makes Aaron feel sick.

(Age Fifteen)

Aaron and Genevieve become very close and spend a lot of time together. She says that Aaron should be her boyfriend. Aaron is surprised that someone wants to date him. He agrees, but when he gets home, he’s confused about why he’s still thinking about other boys. Aaron and Genevieve try to kiss but hit each other’s foreheads instead. They try again, but Aaron panics and they hit heads again. He thinks that he can’t be fooling her and that if he’s with her, he won’t be fooling anyone. They kiss successfully.

(Age Sixteen—October, Nine Months Ago)

Aaron meets Collin in the school library. Collin approaches and starts a conversation about books. They agree to meet after school the next day so Aaron can introduce Collin to his favorite book series. Aaron shows Collin his drawings, which Collin admires. A couple weeks later, Collin returns the book Aaron lent him with a note that says “check yes or no.” Aaron knows Collin is asking him to hook up, so he checks yes. They meet, and Aaron asks why Collin thought he was gay. Collin says he could tell once he got to know him and that he likes him. They kiss.

(Age Sixteen—November, Eight Months Ago)

Collin teaches Aaron how to ride a bike. Collin has already had sex with both a girl and a guy, but Aaron hasn’t done it with anyone. They try to find a place where they can have sex, but it’s difficult. Finally they find a nook between a meat market and a flower shop. They have sex. They return another time when it’s too cold to have sex, so they bring spray paint and graffiti the wall. They get into a spray paint war and ruin their clothes.

(Age Sixteen—December, Seven Months Ago)

Kenneth is shot after being mistaken for his brother, Kyle. Collin comforts Aaron, who was friends with Kenneth. They go to see Avengers, and their girlfriends invite themselves along. They manage to sit next to each other and discreetly touch each other. After, at Genevieve’s house, she and Aaron try to have sex. Aaron fakes a stomach ache to get out of it

(Age Sixteen—January, Six Months Ago)

Collin gets Aaron a $20 gift card to the comic book shop. Aaron has been trying to get a job at Good Food’s so that he’ll have spending money. He had $15 to spend on Christmas and he used most of it on comic books for him and Collin to read. He subscribes to a comic series and it costs his whole gift card, plus $5. Aaron starts writing and illustrating his Sun Warden comic book, which he intends as a gift for Collin.

(Age Sixteen—February, Five Months Ago)

Aaron comes out to his mother. She tells him she loves and accepts him. He offers to move out, but she tells him that’s ridiculous and that he’s not going anywhere. He tells her that he and Collin are together. Aaron and his mother sit down to talk to his father, who doesn’t react well, blaming Aaron’s mother and saying that if Aaron doesn’t stop being gay, he has to leave the apartment. Aaron’s mother stands up for him, but when she interferes with his father’s attempts to throw Aaron out, he chokes her instead. Aaron defends his mother, but his father punches him in the head and pulls him outside the apartment, locking the door and calling Aaron a “faggot” (172).

One of the neighbors calls the police. When they arrive, Aaron’s father goes with them quietly. Aaron and Collin decide it’s time to break up with their girlfriends. They bump their knees together on the train. Two other guys ask if they’re gay; they say no, but the guys beat them up anyway. When Aaron gets home, he goes to the bathroom to clean up his bloody nose. Inside, he finds his father’s body in the bathtub. He’s slit his wrists. Aaron blacks out. Later, Collin and Aaron meet in the park. Aaron hugs him, but they’re both afraid after they were assaulted. Collin is supposed to leave and call his girlfriend Nicole; Aaron asks him to stay, but Collin leaves.

(Age Sixteen—March, Four Months Ago)

Aaron and his family do not attend his father’s funeral. Instead, he sees Collin, who says they should “take a break” (175). He says that he can’t break up with Nicole and that his and Aaron’s relationship “has been a slip” (176). He tells Aaron that Nicole is pregnant and not agreeing to have an abortion, so he has to “be a man again” (176).

(Age Sixteen—April, Three Months Ago)

Aaron, having lost his boyfriend and certain that his father killed himself because of him, desperately tries to find happiness. When he fails, he gets one of his father’s razors and cuts his own wrist. He is taken to the hospital where he sees the therapist, Dr. Slattery, whom Aaron hates. After he’s home, his mother and brother supervise him constantly, though they allow him to go out to celebrate his and Genevieve’s anniversary. He cries in her lap and says he wants to get the Leteo procedure. Genevieve is skeptical. A commercial on TV reminds Aaron of Collin and it hurts him. He wants to forget Collin the way Collin is forgetting him.

(Age Sixteen—May, Two Months Ago)

Aaron runs into Kyle after therapy one day. Kyle’s family is moving because they cannot escape the memory of Kenneth in their neighborhood. Aaron’s mother tells him that Dr. Slattery called and is referring them to the Leteo Institute for treatment. Aaron wants to do it.

(Age Sixteen—June, One Month Ago)

Aaron meets with Dr. Evangeline Castle at the Leteo Institute. Aaron admits that his liking guys is the problem and is approved for the procedure after several counseling sessions. His mother signs off but can’t accompany him on the day, so Genevieve goes with him.

(Age Sixteen—June 18th)

Aaron qualifies because he’s a danger to himself, despite the hesitance to perform the procedure on people under the age of 21. Some of the other people in the waiting room distress Aaron, like the middle-aged woman who rocks and wails in her seat. Aaron remembers that she cannot forget watching her five-year-old daughter run into the street. Genevieve assures him that it will be OK.

Before he goes in, Aaron tells Genevieve that he knows she knows he’s gay but that he won’t be anymore and they can be really happy together. In the procedure room Evangeline and Aaron establish that it will be painless, that his dreams will be altered, and that his memories will be manipulated. The people who know about his procedure will be told about the new memories, and all the things that remind Aaron of Collin will be removed from his house. Evangeline asks if Aaron would still want the procedure if it didn’t matter to anyone that he was gay; he says it’s not about what he wants, it’s what he needs to do.