Maybe Next Time

Emma wakes reminding herself that this time is a gift. She wishes Dan a happy anniversary, and they make love. She has breakfast with the kids and asks Poppy not to post anything to her social media sites. She’s happy to see Dan’s previous letter ripped up in the garbage. As she walks with her children to school, Emma notices the scenery around her. She deletes Hattie’s message asking to meet for lunch.

Emma avoids the meeting with Arthur and instead asks Jas to see the submission she showed interest in. She goes to the café to read it and notices the Christmas decorations. She acknowledges Lou’s first-time author jitters and texts back to set up a time to talk. Emma is absorbed in the pages, and Jurek brings her fresh coffee. He comments that she looks happy.

On December 3, 2019, Dan writes with his new fountain pen. He jokes about having a midlife crisis and reflects on how Emma is always thinking of others. He notices, though, that in trying to do things for everyone else, sometimes she disappears on her family. He admits that he failed once when Poppy was young but now he’s not going anywhere, and Emma needs to let him help. He urges her not to checklist the day away and reminds her how much he enjoys their quiet times together.

Emma gives audiobooks to Jurek to share with his mother and feels good about it. Then she takes Gus to the vet and learns he has an infection. She’s relieved to realize “Gus’s problems [are] fixable” (330). As she goes home, she realizes she has a chance to set things right. The thought fills her with hope. She starts making calls to help Jas sell her first book.

When Miles returns from school, Emma brings up his concerns about having a best friend. Miles says Hattie is one of Emma’s best friends, and when she thinks of Hattie fleeing Ed, something shifts inside Emma. She writes a loving letter to Dan and then enters Poppy’s room to find her wearing makeup and making a video for TikTok. Emma gets angry, ruining the evening, but the next night, she does better and asks Poppy what she’s doing. She learns that kids at school, including her best friend, are bullying Poppy, making fun of her videos. Emma wonders how she didn’t realize what was happening. She takes several days to tweak her speech and, in taking the time to listen, gets to know her daughter better. She fills her day with actions that make her happy, including resigning from the agency and planning to start her own agency with Jas. She keeps reminding herself that this time is a gift. Emma spends evenings with Dan and holds him in their bed as he takes his last breath, reminding herself, “[T]his was all that mattered. This moment” (343). She continues to ignore calls from Hattie.

On December 3, 2020, Dan’s letter touches on their year of isolation during the pandemic lockdown. He observes, “[A]lthough I see you all the time, it is rarely in any meaningful way” (346). He loves her generosity to others but feels her family is too far down her list. While he admits that it’s impossible to juggle it all, he points out that waking up to Emma saying “you again” was a low point (347). He reminds Emma that though her parents are distant, she has him, the kids, and Hattie.

Despite filling the rest of her day with joy, Emma has been avoiding Hattie. One day, the guilt overwhelms her. She takes Gus for a walk, and when she hears the car accident, she goes to Hattie. However, when Hattie asks to come home with her, Emma says no. She still wants to blame Hattie for what’s happening.

Emma continues to observe Hattie each night after the crash and then returns to Dan, who always dies at 10:17 pm. One night, she listens to the recording of Hattie’s call from jail, and the next night, after the crash, Emma brings Hattie home with her. She finally realizes that Dan’s death isn’t Hattie’s fault; he’ll still die. Emma listens as Hattie talks about her unhappiness and her problems with Ed, who said, after her miscarriage, that they could have a boy next time. Emma promises they’ll fix this.

Emma makes sure that Hattie is with them each evening instead of crashing the car. After doing her list of good deeds for the day, Emma takes Hattie to lunch. She brings Hattie home and spends the day with her family, keeping her “phone on silent, bleeping away to nobody from people [she] didn’t need in this new life” (360). She explores London, tries new restaurants, plays games with her family, and notices details. Emma rides her bike and decides to keep it. One day, she suggests ice skating. She and Dan hold hands as they skate, and Emma thinks again about how all this is a gift. That night, she tells Dan what’s been happening and that he dies. He tells her they had a perfect day, and she feels thankful as she falls asleep.

On December 3, 2021, Dan writes a new letter, responding to the knowledge that he’s going to die. He reminds Emma how much he loves her and says he has loved his life. He describes what he wants her to tell the children and leaves details about his life insurance information and household maintenance items. He reveals that when he fell from the balcony 10 years ago, at 10:17 pm, he made a plea for more time so that he could be with Emma and their child. He promised, “Next time I’ll make it mean something” (369). He had a chance to make things right and thinks maybe Emma did too. He asks her to be happy and live for both of them.

Emma wakes up to the hiss of a bus and gray clouds through the curtain. She turns over.