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48 pages 1 hour read

Ally Carter

I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You

Fiction | Novel | YA | Published in 2006

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Important Quotes

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“I suppose a lot of teenage girls feel invisible sometimes, like they just disappear. Well, that's me--Cammie the Chameleon. But I'm luckier than most because, at my school, that's considered cool.”


(Chapter 1, Page 1)

This passage is the opening lines of the book, and it sets up the introduction to the story, as well as how the book is meant as an operations report for events during the previous semester at Cammie’s school. These lines also show Cammie’s informative but quirky narrative style, which tells the reader what to expect in terms of the story’s tone. Throughout the book, Cammie feels invisible at points, and while she sometimes views this as a bad thing, her introductory lines tell the reader that, underneath her complicated emotions, Cammie likes being the “chameleon” and is proud of her spy skillset.

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“Then, as if to prove my point, a loud blast and the smell of burning hair came floating up the main stairs from the second-floor Hall of History, followed by Professor Buckingham's distinguished voice crying, ‘Girls! I told you not to touch that!’”


(Chapter 1, Page 3)

As students return to school, Cammie hears this commotion elsewhere in the building from her dorm room, and her telling of the events shows the atmosphere of the Gallagher Academy. Though it’s a school for genius girls to become spies, there is a humorous undertone, as shown through Cammie’s description of how the newbies are likely running around on fire. 

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“Bex had spent six hours on a private jet, but her cappuccino-colored skin was glowing, and she looked as if she'd just walked out of a Noxzema commercial, so I really wanted to be petty and point out that the sign in the foyer said we were supposed to be speaking English with American accents during the Welcome Back Dinner. But as the only non-U.S. citizen Gallagher Girl in history, Bex was used to being an exception. […] Admitting Bex had been Mom's first controversial act as headmistress (but not her last).”


(Chapter 2, Page 13)

This paragraph comes right after Bex joins her friends at the welcome-back dinner. Bex is looking smug because she knows something about the new teacher that she isn’t sharing with her friends. Bex’s acceptance to the academy, even though she’s an outsider, shows a level of elitism and purism even among spies. Until Bex, being a Gallagher girl was an honor reserved for American girls. Cammie’s mom isn’t afraid to make controversial decisions, which implies she would make other decisions deemed controversial in the future.

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“Mom crossed her arms and said, ‘Macey McHenry will bring a much-needed level of diversity to the Gallagher Academy. She has family connections that will allow entry into some very closed societies. She has an underutilized intellect. And ...’ Mom seemed to be pondering this next bit. ‘... she has a quality about her.’ Quality? Yeah, right. Snobbery is a quality, so is elitism, fascism, and anorexicism. I started to tell my mom about the eight-hundred-calorie-a-day thing, or the B-word thing, or to point out that Code Reds were fake interviews, not real ones.”


(Chapter 4, Pages 42-43)

Here, Cammie and her friends have just found out Macey will attend the academy. The explanation Cammie’s mom gives shows her ability to “talk the talk” of her position. As headmistress, she has to give cogent-sounding explanations for her choices and appeal to a wide variety of objections, which she does here. Cammie’s silent objections show her dislike for Macey. The comparison of snobbery to elitism, fascism, and anorexicism drive home just how much Cammie takes issue with the many things Macey did and said during her tour and also points out that “quality” is relative.

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“So I bought one--a corn dog, that is. Now, here's where you might start thinking--Hey, who is she to eat during a mission? Or, isn't it careless to stand there smearing mustard all over a deep-fried weenie when there are operatives to tail? […] Real pavement artists don't hide--they blend. So when you start craving a corn dog because every third person you see is eating one, then bring on the mustard! (Besides, even spies have to eat.)”


(Chapter 6, Pages 68-69)

These lines come while Cammie is trailing her professor at the festival. The term “pavement artist” is unique to Carter’s spy world and implies that Cammie takes hitting the pavement to the level where it’s an art form. Even so, her explanation makes sense. It’s easier to blend in than it is to constantly hide, and acting casual makes one stand out less.

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“I waited until they turned the corner, then I strolled across the street. No one looked twice at me. Not a soul stopped to ask my name or tell me how much I looked like my mother. I didn't have to see the look of instant, uncomfortable sadness in anyone's eyes as they realized I was Cammie Morgan--one of the Morgans--that I was the girl with the dead dad.”


(Chapter 7, Page 77)

Cammie has just watched Bex and Liz get dragged back to school by the professor they were tailing for their Covert Operations class. Cammie wasn’t noticed, showing just how talented she is at remaining unseen. Rather than being excited about this, Cammie can only focus on how she doesn’t feel pressured while away from school. No one knows who she is, and she likes the freedom anonymity gives her, which is why she is so good at hiding—because part of her wants to remain unseen.

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“‘So, hey, Cammie, it was fun. Wasn't it?’ And I realized that one of the most brilliant men in the world needed me to verify that he'd had fun. This place never ceases to amaze me.”


(Chapter 7, Page 85)

The speaker here is one of Cammie’s professors who participated in the Covert Operations assignment. Despite being a genius in his field, the professor isn’t sure if he really had fun, which shows the different types of intelligence. He may be a genius, but he doesn’t understand how to interpret his emotions.

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“‘They won't start with Bex, you know,’ [Mr. Solomon] went on. ‘They'll start with Liz.’ Another click and then I was looking at a pair of thin arms bound behind a chair and a cascade of bloody blond hair. ‘These people are very good at what they do. They know Bex can take the punches; what hurts Bex most is listening to her friend scream.’”


(Chapter 8, Pages 87-88)

This passage comes after Cammie returns to school following the Covert Operations assignment. After doing the “right” thing by collecting the requested intel and completing her mission, Cammie feels smug for accomplishing a task she was expected to fail. The images Mr. Solomon shows her are a warning. Bex and Liz are unharmed, but Mr. Solomon wants to make Cammie understand that there’s a price to pay for being a spy. On a real mission, Cammie would have lost her friends, just like Mr. Solomon lost Cammie’s dad. The overall tone of the book is light and fun, and this scene serves as a reminder that the spy life is dangerous.

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“Culture and Assimilation isn't like our other classes, so I guess that's why Madame Dabney's tea room isn't like our other classrooms. French silk lines the walls. The lighting fixtures are crystal. Everything in that room is beautiful and refined and reminds us that we don't just have to be spies-- we have to be ladies.”


(Chapter 9, Page 93)

Culture and Assimilations class is only mentioned a few times in the book, and the class itself is never seen. This passage shows the multifaceted nature of spy education. Rather than being just about running operations, gathering intel, and high-stakes situations, being a spy is also about fitting in wherever the girls go so their cover isn’t blown. The setup of the Culture and Assimilations classroom also shows the gender norms Gallagher girls are taught to conform to. They learn to act like refined ladies in order to mingle in powerful circles, effectively making gender expression part of their education.

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“I couldn't let her see how shaken I was, so I did the next best thing: I got angry. ‘Exactly what is so unbelievable?’ I asked. ‘That a boy looked at me?’ Sure, I'd never be an exotic beauty like Bex or a pixyish waif like Liz, but I had yet to grow boils all over my body. Mirrors don't crack when I walk by them. My Grandfather calls me Angel. Was I that unworthy of being noticed?”


(Chapter 9, Page 98)

These lines come right after Bex and Liz discover Cammie interacted with Josh. Cammie’s reaction to Liz’s doubt is a cover to keep from showing how rattled she is, but even so, Cammie’s first thought is to defend her physical appearance. The way she questions her worthiness to be noticed represents the real pressure put on girls to always appear at least presentable. Spies have the same insecurities as anyone else, despite all their training.

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“In other words, I'm not proud of what comes next, but I'm not exactly ashamed of it either, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I think my whole life has been that kind of contradiction. I mean, all I've heard for the last three years has been Don't hesitate, but be patient. Be logical--trust your instincts. Follow protocol--improvise. Never let your guard down--always look at ease. So, see, if you give a bunch of teenage girls those kinds of messages, then, yeah, eventually things are going to get interesting.”


(Chapter 10, Page 103)

These lines come after Cammie, Bex, and Liz decide to investigate whether Josh is a threat to the academy. Cammie prefaces the latter two thirds of the book with this message, which is a plea to the reader not to judge her too harshly. For almost 16 years, Cammie’s gotten contradictory advice, and even for a spy-in-training, the messages can be difficult to decode. She’s also using these paragraphs to let the reader know she, Bex, and Liz are going to get involved in some interesting stuff.

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“Summary of Surveillance Operatives: […] After observing a Gallagher Academy operative (Cameron Morgan) on two routine assignments, The Operatives concluded that a young man (known at the time only as "Josh," aka Tell-Suzie-she's-a-lucky-cat boy) was a POI (Person of Interest).”


(Chapter 11, Page 115)

As part of the reconnaissance Cammie, Bex, and Liz run on Josh, they periodically write up reports of their findings. This comes from one of the reports, which shows the types of details spies gather, as well as the avenues through which they find their information. The text in parentheses is a reminder that, while the girls are good at what they do, they are still teen girls running surveillance on a cute boy they find attractive.

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“If you ever wonder whether or not someone is too good for you, I'd advise going through their trash. Really. No one looks superior after that. Plus, if Mr. Solomon was right, there were answers here--answers I desperately wanted. Why did he offer to walk with me to (supposedly) get my mom's jacket, and then turn around and tell his friend I was no one? Did he have a girlfriend? Had he struck up that conversation with me in the street so that he could win some horrendous bet with his friends, like they always do in teen movies?"


(Chapter 11, Page 125)

This passage comes while Cammie, Bex, and Liz dig through Josh’s trash. Up until this point, Cammie’s been concerned that Josh might not really be interested in her or that he might pretend to be interested. Her fears recall teen romantic comedy movies where average-looking girls get jilted by good-looking boys, showing the pressure such movies put on girls to be the prettiest one in the room in order to interest a guy. Cammie’s draft letter is a daydream of how her spy life could intersect with a “normal” life. She loves being a spy, but she also wants someone special in her life and doesn’t yet understand she can have both.

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“And then I knew why we do fieldwork. Of course I knew that Josh's dad was the town pharmacist. But computer files and tax records hadn't told us how Josh would react to that place. They hadn't prepared me for the look in his eye when he said, ‘I don't really like running track. I just... It keeps me away from here after school.’”


(Chapter 15, Page 160)

Here, Josh and Cammie are strolling around town and come to the pharmacy that Josh’s dad owns. Cammie’s sudden understanding of the importance for field work shows how school can’t teach everything, even to spies. Intellectually, she knows there are benefits to field work, but it’s not until she sees those benefits from a field assignment that she understands the human element of research. Josh’s reaction to the pharmacy tells her more than any amount of computer research ever could.

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“‘I saw this movie,’ I said, pacing myself. ‘It was an old movie ... in black-and-white ...and this girl wanted to communicate with this boy, but they couldn't, because it was too dangerous.’ ‘Why? Because he was a spy?’ He? Sometimes the sexism in this country amazes me, but then I remembered that society's tendency to underestimate women is a Gallagher Girl's greatest weapon, and I consoled myself by remembering how it had taken less than two seconds for me to level Josh flat and hard onto the pavement.”


(Chapter 15, Page 163)

This conversation between Cammie and Josh shows the sexism that movies promote in America. Cammie doesn’t mention whether the boy or the girl in the movie is a spy, but Josh automatically assumes the man is the spy because men are more often spies in the movies. Cammie brushes off the sexism because she knows the power women can have from men underestimating them, but it also dangerous to let men continue to believe women are incapable.

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“We had a date--to the movies! My euphoria lasted from the time I picked up the note and all the way through our customary debrief up in the suite. By the next morning, however, I wasn't thinking like a girl--I was thinking like a spy.”


(Chapter 16, Page 167)

Here, Cammie received a note from Josh asking her to the movies. Cammie’s thoughts show how her civilian side and spy side work in equal measure. Her first concern is being spotted by someone who works at the school, but her following “spy” concerns are about the tactics of looking attractive. 

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“Liz was already climbing into the golf cart, leaving Bex and me alone in the dark. ‘I'll be okay,’ I told Bex. ‘I'll get Josh and we'll leave.’ She didn't say anything. We were on the dark side of the party, but I could read her face in the light of the full moon. I didn't see fear; I saw disappointment. It seemed a whole lot worse.”


(Chapter 20, Page 209)

These lines come after Bex, Liz, and Macey extract Cammie from the party Josh took her to. Though Cammie knows it’s dangerous to go back inside because her mom or Mr. Solomon could recognize her, she also knows that if she doesn’t go back in, she might lose Josh for good. She’s not willing to do that and would rather risk blowing her cover than running when she has a clear way out. Bex’s disappointment foreshadows scenes later in the book where Cammie keeps her cover but lets her sisters down.

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“I slipped farther down the passageway and eventually slid to a window seat in an abandoned classroom. I didn't cry. Something told me the universe couldn't handle both Morgan women weeping at the same time, so I sat there stoically, letting my mother be the weak one for a little while, taking my turn on duty.”


(Chapter 21, Page 218)

After she gets home from the fall festival party, Cammie finds a new secret passage, which she follows until she finds her mother in her office, crying. Cammie realizes it’s her dad’s birthday and finds a quiet place to think while her mother grieves, knowing that her mom needs to be sad today more than she does. Cammie and her mother are both strong individuals. Cammie has relied on her mom for so much, and she wants to give her mom this night to be sad in repayment.

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“I remembered the time my dad took me to the circus. For two hours we sat side by side, watching the clowns and cheering for the lion tamer. But the part I remember most was when a man stepped out onto the high wire, fifty feet above the ground. By the time he reached the other side, five other people had climbed onto his shoulders, but I wasn't watching him--I was too busy staring at my father, who looked on as if he knew what it felt like, up there without a net.” 


(Chapter 21, Page 223)

This passage comes after Cammie tells Macey that Bex’s dad is missing. The possible loss of Bex’s dad makes Cammie feel the loss of her own father more strongly than usual. The memory Cammie recalls here symbolizes all the secrets she’s keeping and how those secrets make her feel like she’s desperately trying to keep her balance. She doesn’t know what the look on her father’s face meant, but it can be assumed that he faced similar dilemmas as a spy.

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“White eyelet curtains were pushed back from a kitchen window where Josh's mother was washing dishes. When Josh walked through the kitchen, his mother blew soapsuds at him, and he laughed. I thought about Bex, who was probably laughing right then, too. I thought about my mother, whose tears only came in secret. I thought about my life--the one I had and the one I wanted, so all I did was stand shivering in the cold, watching Josh laugh, as I started to cry.”


(Chapter 24, Pages 240-241)

This scene comes after Cammie’s spent a few chapters keeping secrets and feeling distanced from her friends. Cammie is torn between the life she has and the one she wants, where the academy represents what she has and Josh symbolizes the warmth and normalcy she craves. Watching Josh and his mom just have fun makes Cammie long to have her dad back and to have the kind of life where they do family things without all the danger and secrets. Cammie’s at her most torn here, which means that things will start to resolve in the coming chapters.

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“Yes, I go to the Gallagher Academy.

Yes, I have been lying to you.

Yes, you can't believe a single thing I've said or done.

But here's the thing about spy truth: sometimes it isn't enough to achieve your mission objectives. Sometimes you need more, and even though I didn't want to do it, maybe it's only fitting that a relationship that started with a lie would end with one.”


(Chapter 26, Page 248)

Cammie discovers that Josh and Dillon are on their way to out her as a Gallagher girl. Cammie goes to intercept them and tell Josh the truth, but her version of the truth is more than just the facts. The statements that begin with “yes” are actual truth—things Cammie really is or has done. “Spy truth” is the actual truth plus whatever needs to be said to keep information confidential and cover stories as intact as possible. The statements that follow this section starting with “no” are not the truth, but they are things Cammie plans to present as truth to protect Josh from the academy and to protect the academy from prying eyes.

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“Two days after my dad's funeral, my mom went on a mission. I never understood it until then--that sometimes a spy doesn't need a cover so much as she needs a shield. Crouched on the roof between Bex and Liz, I wasn't a girl who had just broken up with her boyfriend; I looked at my watch and checked my gear instead of crying. I had a mission objective and not a broken heart.”


(Chapter 27, Pages 260-261)

Here, Cammie has escaped from being captured at the beginning of her Covert Operations final exam. She’s learning another truth about spy life—that grief isn’t just about crying. With the operation to keep her busy, she doesn’t have time to be sad about Josh or hurt over what he said. Instead, her training kicks in and lets her keep her head in the game.

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“‘But the thing I worried most about was that you'd spend your childhood learning to be hard and strong and never learn that it's okay to be soft and sweet.’ She straightened beside me, forced me to look into her eyes. ‘Doing what we do, it doesn't mean turning off the part of yourself that loves, Cam. I loved your father.... I love your father. And you. If I thought you would have to give that up ... to never know that... I would take you as far away from this place as we could go.’”


(Chapter 29, Page 279)

Cammie’s mom knew about Josh and Cammie almost from the beginning. Cammie didn’t want to tell her mother about Josh because she thought her mom would be disappointed that Cammie had feelings for a boy, and here, Cammie’s mom assures Cammie that it’s okay to feel. In the movies, spies are often seen as hard people with no room for soft emotions that make them weak. Carter subverts that trope by having Cammie’s mom, an accomplished spy, tell her daughter that soft feelings are one of the most important things for her to have.

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“I might have been the genius, but Josh was the one to see the truth. For a while there, I had needed another life, a trial life--normal on a temporary basis. The problem was looking into the wounded eyes of someone I cared about and telling him that I would never be free to really love him, because ... well... then I'd have to kill him.”


(Chapter 29, Pages 281-282)

This passage comes after the final conversation between Cammie and Josh. Josh is understandably upset, and Cammie comes to understand that, even though she didn’t mean to, she used Josh to get a taste of a “normal” life. She realizes she never really wanted that life but wanted to try it to make sure it wasn’t what she wanted. As a result, Josh got hurt, which is what convinces Cammie she needs to be a spy. There’s no room for people in her life who don’t fit in her world because they’ll just be a liability, which is where the story title comes from. If Josh knows Cammie’s true feelings, he’s a danger, and dangers to the spy world are eliminated.

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“I felt something soft and warm rub against my leg and looked down to see Onyx wrapping her tail around my ankle. She purred, consoling me, sounding like a very lucky cat, and I knew things had come full circle.” 


(Chapter 29, Page 282)

Onyx is a cat that belongs to one of the professors. The fact that she comes to console Cammie after Josh walks out, having made Cammie aware that he drank the memory-wiping tea, brings Cammie fully back into the spy world. It’s never made clear if Onyx is the inspiration for the cat Cammie makes up, and the implication here is that Cammie is lucky to have a world she loves so much and that will help her heal from having her heart broken by the loss of someone who mattered to her.

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By Ally Carter