How to Age Disgracefully

Daphne has planned out “Lydia’s Revenge” on the blackboard and gives everyone their assignments. Lydia says once more she believes the problems in her marriage are partially her fault, but the group assures her that’s not the case. Art distributes walkie-talkies, which he bought honestly, and Daphne starts the clock on their plan.

Art finds a brief note from Daphne in his pocket. He assumes she just dashed it off but is pleased she at least apologized. He thinks, “life was actually a lot more interesting with her around. Not always in a good way, admittedly” (248).

While William films, Jeremy comes out of his office building to find a giant knitted penis tied on his scooter. Art takes Jeremy’s mobile phone from his pocket, figures out the passcode, and sends a text.

Daphne and Art enjoy a dinner at the fancy restaurant where Jeremy sits waiting for his date. Daphne got them a table by pretending that Art is dying. Daphne reports that she saw Kitty, Jeremy’s paramour, leaving the restaurant, and they enjoy their food while Jeremy eats alone.

Feeling that the countdown has already started, Daphne tells Art a bit about Jack, then asks about the second bed in Kerry’s bedroom. Art reveals that Kerry was a twin and her sister, Katie, died suddenly of meningitis when they were 15. Kerry and her mother left Art soon after. They watch Jeremy try to pay and have his credit cards rejected. Daphne reflects that she hasn’t “enjoyed herself this much in years” (255).

Lydia watches Jeremy arrive at their house and try to fit his key in the door, not knowing she changed the locks. She also gave away his wine to their neighbors. Jeremy shouts at Lydia to let him in. Lydia calls his cell phone, which she left outside for him next to a bag of clothes and toiletries. Art sent a text telling Kitty that Jeremy was coming to stay with her, and Kitty responded with excitement, which makes Lydia feel sick. Jeremy curses at Lydia and drives away.

Ziggy returns to school. He is scolded by his teacher, Mr. Wingate, for letting him down, but Ziggy begs for another chance. Alicia reports that Daphne, pretending to be her grandmother, took Alicia out of school to explain Ziggy’s situation and that he is turning his life around. Alicia tells Ziggy she would like to be friends.

Lydia feels alone and abandoned, but also free and full of optimism. She discards her self-help books and wears Daphne’s clothes as she approaches the community center. The group has a slideshow for her of their revenge on Jeremy, which includes Art and William putting a fish in the engine of his Mercedes. They all pretend they don’t know Ruby is Yarnsy. Lydia notices that Daphne and Art have a new connection, and that he’s given her a nickname, Daffy.

A man enters to inform them the council voted to take the offer from a developer, so unless someone can come up with 100,000 pounds sterling, the community center will be torn down. Daphne decides that they need to win the TV talent show and should bring in the kids.

Daphne reflects that she now has friends. She knows she will have to leave soon, but she still has the task of saving the community center to complete. She realizes, “Building a life meant making connections, and that meant being visible, which made you vulnerable” (272).

She goes to meet Sidney, intending to ask him to come with her. He tells her that Sonny has been injured and he needs $10,000 for medical assistance. Daphne tells him she’ll help but realizes she’s being conned.

Art prepares for the TV talent show, taking the time to interact with Lucky, who still isn’t speaking. Ziggy brings Kylie for their performance, which features Maggie as a jewel thief while the children are dressed as policemen trying to stop her.

A group of men enter to discuss demolition. They put down their papers, and Lydia suggests the group try origami. When the men return, their plans have been turned into origami swans.

Daphne is getting pestered by Sidney to send him money. Ziggy reports that Floyd was arrested. Ziggy does a search for Sidney and finds he has conned several other women.

Two policemen ring the doorbell asking about the necklace they found with Floyd. It was an item stolen by the Jones gang in an infamous heist of 2008. Daphne says the necklace was given to her by Sidney and tells the police where to find him. She feels disappointed as she watches Sidney being arrested. Lydia says someone came to the community center looking for “Delilah Jones.” Daphne goes into a storage room in the center and sits down.

Lydia looks up Delilah Jones and suspects this was Daphne in a former life. The Jones gang was arrested, with Jack Jones going to prison, but the jewelry was never found. Delilah Jones disappeared.

Art feels tired and goes to sit in a storage cupboard, where he finds Daphne. He realizes they are locked in. Daphne tells him the full story of her past. After she married Jack, she learned he was the head of a criminal empire. For a time she thought they were simply stealing from the rich. Then she found out that Jack was also involved in selling drugs, and people were getting hurt. She knew she’d never get away from him on her own, so gave the police an anonymous tip-off. She admits the police never suspected that a woman, especially a middle-aged woman, was responsible for planning the Jones gang’s infamous heists.

When she learned Jack died of lung cancer in jail, Daphne thought, “Why not try living again?” (293). Now she’s being traced through the jewelry, but she doesn’t know how she’ll get away without a passport.

Ziggy brings Kylie to the community center for the TV competition. Ruby has knitted replicas of Maggie for the show. Art and Daphne emerge from the cupboard. The other groups that use the center volunteer to stage a sit-in so the crews can’t begin demolition. Lydia loads everyone in the minibus and they set off for the TV station.

Art observes the group as they settle onto the bus. Anna, as a holdover from her trucker days, has packed a travel bag with toiletries and her passport. The minibus is pulled over by a policewoman, and the scene from the Prologue repeats as different passengers begin confessing their crimes.

Art speaks up to distract attention from Daphne, who starts edging towards the door of the bus. He reaches into Anna’s bag. Lucky surprises everyone by shouting. Daphne exits the bus, and Art tosses Anna’s passport out the window to her. He supposes that if Daphne dyes her hair the same color, the officials won’t be able to tell that it’s a different person. They all watch as Daphne leaps over the barricade between the lanes and escapes.

Lydia cheers from the audience as Art and Maggie perform their act. A short film tells the audience about their efforts to save the community center. As Art is introduced, he references a GoFundMe page taking donations. There is footage from the sit-in, where the construction crew are eating snacks with the protesters. The act of the jewelry heist goes as planned, with Maggie playing her part. Then Kerry comes onstage and slaps Art across the face.

Art and Kerry talk behind the curtain. She says she still hates him for not being there when Katie was sick. Their mother couldn’t reach Art because he’d gone to a hotel room with another actor. Art says he’s haunted by this and hates himself. He tried to find Kerry, but she’s made it difficult. Kerry insists it’s too late to make up.

The presenter announces the winners of the competition; Art and Maggie win second place. The mood on the minibus is quiet as they return home. Art wonders where Daphne is. Ziggy checks the GoFundMe page and reports their donations are up to 97,000 pounds sterling already.

Three months later. Art has spoken once on the phone with Kerry, who reached out after he wrote a long apology. His agent is lining up all sorts of work for Art and Maggie. Art receives a postcard with a picture of a beach and a phone number. The message says, “Best way to die: boringly, in Hammersmith, or in Ibiza with style?” (318).

Ziggy is taking his A-level exams and has an offer from Bath university. Alicia continues to insist they are only friends, but Ziggy is willing to take things slow. He receives a letter from Daphne telling him to use the diamond that Kylie swallowed to help pay for tuition and plane tickets to visit her. She leaves Ziggy her apartment and says she would like to be Kylie’s godmother.

Lydia feels like she, along with the community center, has a new lease on life. Jeremy keeps texting her asking her to take him back, but she’s been ignoring him. She has discovered her self-respect and refuses to let anyone take that away from her. She is moving into a new house and sets up an advertisement to draw in new members of the senior social club.

Art and Daphne sit on the beach, drinking cocktails and watching the sun set. A stray dog approaches them, and Art feeds it. Art reports that Kerry has agreed to let Art meet his grandchildren. Daphne says Ziggy and Kylie are coming to visit her.

Daphne tells Art she enjoys having him as a part-time lover and says, “I prefer my friends to have experience, wisdom, and a few guilty secrets” (327). The dog follows them home.