Good Talk: A Memoir in Conversations

“You are an American. I don’t care when your parents came here. They are Americans, too. Don’t you ever let anyone tell you that you’re not. Do you hear me?”

Ms. Morrell assures Mira that she is an American like any other after Mira is discriminated against based on her skin color. She is only 10 years old at the time, and the message rings loud and clear for her. The words Ms. Morrell speaks stick with Mira for years, and she wants to instill the same message in her son. This conversation foreshadows future conversations Mira has with Z.

“This country was built on messed up. It’s not some new thing.”

Mira’s friend points out America’s dark history. One of the major themes of the memoir is the ways that past events continue to have a hold on the present, and this is especially true regarding race and politics. America was founded on slavery and colonialism, both of which were violent acts against large groups of people based on their skin color or ethnicity. America’s history continues to be built on racial issues, including 9/11 and Trump’s election.

“We think our hearts break only from endings—the love gone, the rooms empty, the future unhappening as we stand ready to step into it—but what about how they can shatter in the face of what is possible?”

Throughout college, Mira goes through several partners in an attempt to find someone she connects with and who understands her. She also wants to find a partner who does not see her for her skin color but for whom she is as a person. Everyone she meets seems to either be uncomfortable with her due to her skin or uncomfortable with themselves being with her. When Mira’s brother gets married, Mira can barely bear the thought of being alone forever, and her heart starts to break thinking about the possibilities in love that she may never experience.

“And then I felt stupid: Stupid for calling, stupid for pretending I was the kind of person who could be happy in an arranged marriage. Except I hadn’t really been pretending… Had I? So stupid for that, too.”

Mira’s parents try to set her up with an East Indian man, who is a neuropsychologist. Mira is opposed to the idea of an arranged marriage for herself, but after so many failed attempts at finding love, she submits to the idea. After calling the man, she never receives a call back, and her mother explains it was likely due to her skin being too dark. Mira feels stupid for thinking that entering an arranged marriage was a good idea.

“I don’t remember a single conversation we had back then. All I know is that when I met him in New York I could see New Mexico all over him—the good parts, the parts that were hard to explain to anyone else, the parts we were trying to escape. We started talking in a way I’d never been able to talk to anyone.”

Throughout her life, Mira has felt isolated, misunderstood, and judged for her skin color. When she runs into Jed, all that changes. Because the two grew up in the same school and neighborhood, which was primarily white, they both understand what it was like to grow up with children who judged them for their ethnicity. Mira feels she can tell Jed the things she is unable to tell anyone else, and this leads to many important conversations between them.

“God forbid my falling in love isn’t about your feelings. God forbid I become happy without the approval of some man who thinks being Indian gives him the right to decide what’s best for me. God forbid I become someone else’s colonized bitch instead of yours.”

Even after Mira finds Jed, she still experiences judgment and cultural pressure to marry an Indian man. People in the world seem to have a very narrow and singular idea about brown women, and they cannot wrap their minds around Mira bucking those stereotypes. When Mira goes to a bar to unwind one night, she rejects an Indian man who tells her she will never be loved by a white man, and he will just treat her as secondary. Mira sees hypocrisy in him, believing he would likely treat her as secondary too.

“Once, a man I was trying to ignore on the subway grabbed me by the hair and between my legs and yelled, ‘Speak English, you dirty cunt!’ and everyone just watched and said nothing and I’ve never known if it was because it was right after 9/11 or because he was just nuts but I will remember all those faces pretending they saw nothing for the rest of my life.”

Mira recounts her experiences with hate crimes following 9/11. Her son Z asks her if she has ever been hurt, and although she denies it out loud, she remembers a few events. Being open about an experience such as this in a memoir is a difficult and brave act, and Mira does so to shed light on the overt and violent experiences of people of color at the hands of hatred and fear. Perhaps most concerning is the fact that nobody offers to help Mira or stops her from being attacked, illustrating something worse than indifference: agreement.

“You are every bit as American as Donald Trump. This country is as much yours as it is his and you have every right to be here”

Like the motivational conversation she had with Ms. Morrell when she was 10, Mira reminds her son that he is an American. Z is asking questions about whether people think he is a terrorist or whether Donald Trump hates him. Mira wants her son to know that regardless of any of that, he has the right to live in the country he was born into. Mira has hope for her son and America because of the questions he poses, as it means that he is looking for answers and solutions.

“I was scared to open my mouth. I was scared I would start yelling, and if I started yelling she would be scared of me, and if she was scared of me, she would be right about me.”

Mira gets her first writing job working for a woman named Bree, a member of one of the Founding Families. Bree is rich, entitled, and seems to be quite ignorant about people of other ethnicities. After a few weeks of working with Mira, Bree decides to tell her she is uncomfortable and thinks Mira might be stealing all her ideas to run away with them. She then condescendingly tells Mira that she has sympathy for her. Mira wants to scream at her and tell her how ignorant she is, but she knows that if she does, it will only prove Bree’s suspicions correct in her mind. Mira is thus trapped and refrains from doing anything other than leaving.

“Sometimes, you are looking right at a person but you cannot see her. There is the constellation of her things—the blond coif, the red purse, the colored loafers traded in for winter boots—but in that place where you thought you would find a certain kind of woman from a certain kind of town, there is someone you cannot begin to imagine. Her pain is as bright and remote to you as her many houses. You are scared of it. So you do not imagine. You look right at her and shut your eyes, as if she is made of sun.”

After Bree admits to being suspicious of Mira, she oddly invites Mira out to lunch. Although Mira just wants to leave, she agrees to lunch because she feels like Bree owes her something. At lunch, Bree opens up about having a daughter who died and the pain she feels every day. Mira feels like her illusion of Bree is shattered. Bree is not the vapid and selfish person she appears to be. Instead, she seems to be lashing out due to unaddressed trauma. Mira finds it difficult to look at Bree and fully see her for who she is in this moment, and later when she looks back, she realizes she was no better than Bree, who refused to see Mira for who she was.

“How about we get all the pages and put them on the stoop and when a big wind comes it will blow them up into heaven, and then Appa can read your book and it will be beautiful! What do you think?”

Two years after Mira’s father dies, she gives birth to her son Z. Three years after that, she publishes her first novel. Mira laments that her father will never be able to read it, and Z has the idea to send the pages up to heaven for him. This moment is significant for Mira because she sees her father in Z. It is as if her father is not gone after all but is right beside her.

“Sometimes, everything you have ever learned can turn you into someone you don’t want to be.”

When Mira is invited to a party at Jed’s parents’ house, two of the older men who are guests at the party assume she is the hired help. Mira finds herself waiting on them a few times, wondering how she could possibly submit in this way. She steps outside herself and looks in, and when she does, she finds she does not like the person she sees. After this, she refuses the men’s requests and confides the issue to Jed’s mother’s best friend, who then tells Jed’s mother.

“Sometimes, you go along with it and pretend nothing happened. Sometimes, you hold your breath until the feeling of wanting to be believed passes. Sometimes, you weigh explaining against staying quiet and know they’re both just different kinds of heavy. Sometimes, when it’s your mother-in-law…. You look ahead and see all the years…. That will be shadowed by things that she can’t imagine about your life. Sometimes, you can’t hold your breath long enough.”

When Mira talks with Jed’s mother about her experience with racism, Jed’s mother initially reacts with denial. After this experience, Mira reflects on the relationship between her and her mother-in-law. Because Jed’s mother is white, Mira knows she will never fully understand what Mira goes through and the challenges she faces because of her race. Mira cannot decide if she even wants to attempt to explain or not. This thought process foreshadows the future difficulties Mira and Jed will face regarding Jed’s parents and their support of Trump, which leads to distance between the two families.

“Sometimes, you hear someone say something so new and true and obvious that it completely bewilders you, making the familiar paths of your daily life unrecognizable. How you wonder, did you not see it before, this particular road forward, this way of moving that no longer requires you to lead yourself astray?”

Mira and Jed watch on TV as Barack Obama makes his bid for presidency. He gives a speech that calls upon the people of America to treat each other with respect and kindness. He calls out human rights violations, disparities in healthcare, welfare, and education, and signals to Americans of all races and creeds to come together to make the country a better place. Mira and Jed can hardly believe what they are hearing and are amazed that Obama is bold enough to say what he has said. They hope and pray that he wins the election, and he does. Obama serves as a symbol of hope for a brighter America.

“Someone—Kiese Laymon I think—said most white people are sleepwalking when it comes to racism in America. They don’t see it so they think it doesn’t exist anymore. Forcing them to see that it is happening here, now, is like waking up a sleepwalker. They get disoriented. Angry at you instead of about the racism itself.”

One of Mira’s friends points out what she believes to be a reason behind many white people’s denial of racism in America. Since the end of segregation laws, many Americans seem to believe racism no longer exists. They walk around as if they are sleepwalking, turning a blind eye to obvious examples of racism, such as the murder of Michael Brown or the protest video Jed sends his parents. When people who are in this state of denial are forced to see the reality of racism around them, it is extremely unsettling and causes reactions such as violence, blame, and disrespect.

“What else can you say? Z asks about this stuff because it’s happening! The people that look like him getting beaten up, the ones cheering it on, the ones sitting by and watching it happen, the ones saying, ‘Don’t show me this, I don’t want to see it’-it’s all turning into one big question in his mind. How could it not?”

Mira wonders what to do about the questions Z continues to ask, and she worries she might be giving him too much information or being too honest. Her friends assure her she has no other option and she is doing what is necessary. If Z is asking these questions, there is a reason, and he likely needs some type of answer. People of color like Z are being assaulted and ostracized and others are acting like none of it is happening.

“I always thought they would choose family first. Over everything. I mean, I know we’re really different, okay? But I thought we were close despite that. I was proud of that, even. And now I just feel like I was wrong about everything.”

Mira finds herself getting more and more upset about the fact that Jed’s parents are voting in support of Trump. Jed tries to calm her, but Mira feels like her entire outlook on life has been violated. She sees her in-laws as family, and she felt like they were close. Mira also felt like she was loved and respected by them despite their differences. However, now that she knows they are Trump supporters, she wonders if all of that was even real. She cannot imagine someone voting for Trump knowing how it would directly affect people they love.

“I always told myself that by the time I got older, it wouldn’t be like this anymore. But every door I get through, this guy is always on the other side. Patting himself on the back for being open-minded while making sure I scrub myself before I enter. It makes me feel crazy.”

When Mira was a child, she envisioned the state of things in America improving as she got older. Her parents came to the country with the dream of a better life, and they were shocked to see the amount of blatant racism that took place. As Mira grew up, she was filled with hope despite her negative experiences. She believed Americans could do better. However, no matter how much time goes by, she continues to have the same experiences of subjugation. When Mira is asked to talk about her novel on a radio show, she drives herself into an emotional state thinking about how judged and patronized she feels.

“He cried for YOU. He cried because our new president was mixed-race just like you, and America believed in him, and suddenly there was a new place for you in the world.”

Z and Mira discuss the election of President Obama and the fact that it occurred just days after Z was born. When Obama wins, both Mira and Jed cry with joy. Z can hardly believe his dad would cry about something, but Mira explains that Jed was elated to know there was even a slight chance the world around him was improving. Most importantly, it meant there was a chance Z would have a happier future in which he was welcomed and accepted equally as an American.

“This country is lucky to have gotten my husband and children. They have helped make this country great and don’t you ever forget it.”

Mira and her mother have a heart-to-heart after Trump is elected. Mira’s mother vows to attend every march and continue voicing her opinions about Trump and racial discrimination in America. One of Mira’s mother’s friends tells her she should be grateful to be accepted in the country, and Mira’s mother responds by telling her it is the country who is lucky to have her family. Mira has often been put down by her mother, but in this moment, she receives the most meaningful compliment possible: her mother is telling her that Mira is making a difference in America.

“I knew, from the curve in your spine and the nut brown of your skin, that you were mine to protect like nothing else ever will be.”

When Mira is pregnant with Z, she has a vision of him on a beach that comes true years later. She sees him for exactly who he is, and she sees the color of his skin. She knows life is not going to be easy for him in America as a brown person, and she wants to do everything in her power to protect him. As time goes on and Z begins learning about racism and asking questions, Mira realizes she cannot fully protect him. However, she can answer his questions and hope her answers help him accept himself.

“When you first started asking me hard questions, the ones about America and your place here, I wanted to find you the right answers—the kind that would make you feel good, welcome, and loved. I thought if I could just remember the country I’d been raised to believe in, the one I was sure I would eventually get to, I’d be able to get us back there.”

Mira grew up believing that America was a country of liberty, diversity, and freedom. Her experiences contradicted those beliefs, but she continued to hold onto them regardless. When her son begins asking difficult questions about race and his place in America, Mira wants to ensure that she provides him answers that are not only honest but guide him in ways that make him feel he is a deserving and equal American. She wants to believe that, through these conversations with her son, they might come one step closer to change for everyone.

“I can’t protect you from becoming a brown man in America. I can’t protect you from spending a lifetime caught between the beautiful dream of a diverse nation and the complicated reality of one. I can’t even protect you from the simple fact that sometimes, the people who love us will choose a world that doesn’t.”

Mira knows that no matter what she does, Z will have experiences of discrimination in his life. She also knows that, like her, he will grow up with visions of a diverse and respectful America in which everyone feels welcome. Mira realizes that multiculturalism has many benefits, but it also has challenges as well, most of which are faced by people of color. When Jed’s parents announce their support for Trump, it affects Z the most because he misses his grandparents, and it is his future that they are altering. Mira knows there is no easy way to explain this to Z.