Free Lunch

“When Mom isn’t working, she’s always upset and sad and she can’t love me like a normal mom. She gets mad at every little thing. No job means no money, which means no groceries or electricity. That makes all the love go out of my mom, like air out of a balloon. And who wants an empty balloon?”

Rex recognizes the effects of financial stress on his mother Luciana’s ability to be a good mother, her stress leading to The Damaging Effects of Abuse and Conditional Love. It is common for parents with financial struggles to lash out or shut down from their roles as parents, and Luciana does both. Rex equates love with the presence of money and develops the belief that people with money are inherently happy.

“Some of my friends get yelled at when they break stuff in their house. In my apartment, there’s nothing to break.”

When Rex reflects on his home life compared to that of his friends, he does so with dark, ironic sarcasm, finding a bleak silver lining in the concept of having nothing. When he begins middle school, he often compares himself to others and wonders why his situation is so different from theirs; this leads him to resent his mother and the world, showing How Classism Affects Youth and Families.

“Everyone’s going to stare at my eye and wonder what happened. I don’t want anybody to know the truth. It’s embarrassing. Girls are lucky they get to wear makeup. If it happened to them, they could probably just cover it up and no one would even know.”

Rex views poverty as a source of embarrassment. In trying to avoid letting poverty define him, he ironically defines himself and his place in the world by it. Rex’s abuse by his parents instills shame, despite it not being his fault, and this leads to his warped view of the world.

“I wonder if I’m sick, or having a heart attack, or if I’m going crazy. I shake my head. I’m not like my mom. I’m not crazy. I can control this.”

Rex shares his thoughts as they happen, and the repetition of his thoughts illustrates his panic. When the lunch lady continually fails to remember Rex’s name, he takes it as an insult and assault to his relevance as a person. He begins to have thoughts of hurting her, and then immediately feels guilty for it. His inner conflict is demonstrative of The Damaging Effects of Abuse and Conditional Love.

“Adults aren’t always smarter than kids. I’m always doing stuff that parents should do.”

Rex often proves more responsible than his parents. He takes care of his younger brother Ford, and recognizes his parents’ abuse and neglect as wrong. He also self-reflects and feels guilty whenever he acts or thinks like they do. Children living in poverty are often put in a position where they must assume a caretaker role, either due to their parents’ exhaustion or mental health issues. This shifting of roles is an example of How Classism Affects Youth and Families.

“I wonder if I’ll have to go through this every single time I want to have lunch with a friend.”

Rex starts lying and engaging in lengthy maneuvers to avoid having his friends notice that he gets free lunches. His shame is overwhelming and controls his life, and it is not until he meets people like best friend Ethan and schoolmate Tommy that his perspective on being poor begins to change. Rex’s shame is an example of How Classism Affects Youth and Families.

“I’m not upset for me. I’m upset for Ford. I’m upset for my mom. Usually the fights aren’t my fault. This time, it is.”

When Rex asks to try out for football, it initiates a violent altercation between Sam and Luciana. Rex feels responsible for the fight and mistakenly blames himself for his mother’s injuries. Luciana doesn’t quell Rex’s misplaced guilt; instead, she adds to it by blaming him directly. This quote shows how physical abuse in Rex’s home affects him even when not directed at him (as per the theme of The Damaging Effects of Abuse and Conditional Love).

“I want to hate my mom for hating me. I want to scream, tell her I’m joining football whether she likes it or not. I want to tell her to grow up and act like an adult and get a job and stop making my life so hard. I want to say all those things and more. But I don’t.”

Rex regularly puts his own feelings and needs aside for the sake of his mother. Luciana’s shifting moods dominate the home, and there is nothing Rex can do but take care of her when she falls apart. He desperately wants to be “normal” and do the things his friends do, but this never seems possible, and his frustration grows.

“I like happy endings—even if they are only fantasies.”

Rex’s outlook is initially pessimistic, and this quote demonstrates the extent of it. He believes happy endings are only in fantasy and superhero stories. He eventually makes a conscious decision to become more optimistic and see his future as potentially happy (as per the theme of Optimism and Gratitude in a World That Seeks to Break One Down).

“I don’t get why folks act like being poor is a disease, like it’s wrong or something. It’s hard to be poor.”

Rex reflects on how people who are poor are often treated as lesser. He feels isolated at school, judged by peers and teachers, and his parents share his sense of shame about their financial situation. He does not fully recognize his own negative perception of being poor, that he is part of his own problem (fixating on the negative) and solution.

“Lunch here is supposed to be free, but it feels like it costs me a lot.”

Rex uses his free lunches as a metaphor for the social costs of poverty and How Classism Affects Youth and Families. Rex is rejected by his friends and targeted by his English teacher, and lies about his financial situation to feel “normal.” He robs himself of many free lunches because he is so focused on how others see him.

“If that bug wants to keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over till it dies, go ahead. Idiot.”

When Rex watches a wasp fly into a closed window until it dies, he realizes that his family’s situation is similar. The wasp becomes a metaphor for Rex and his mother’s entrapment in particular. The thought terrifies Rex, who also ends up feeling responsible for the wasp’s death, as he didn’t make an effort to save it. Months later, he decides it is in his power to help himself and his mother.

“All the feelings that make me sad, I lock those away, deep down inside, in a safe that I drop into a dark well in my soul. Then I bury the hole and try to forget about it.”

Rex copes with his deprivation, sadness, and longing by suppressing them. By doing so, he is able to get through each day, but sacrifices his integrity. Additionally, this suppression often finds release in emotional explosions, which his mother also does.

“All I can think is that maybe I’m not one of the good guys. I may not be capable of killing, but I want to hurt people. Good guys don’t think the horrible stuff I do. Maybe I’m not so different from Sam. Maybe I am a bad person.”

After talking with Ethan about the moral dilemma surrounding the punishment and killing of criminals, Rex starts to think his occasional dark thoughts are a sign that he’s becoming like his stepfather Sam. He wonders if he’s a terrible person who is pretending to be good.

“Then the familiar thuds of violence start, the fleshy thuds I know too well. Even without seeing, I know the sound of slapping, of punching.”

Rex describes Luciana and Sam’s fighting as something he has become used to, but which still scares him. The consonance of the quote (“seeing,” “sound,” and “slapping”) mimics the action of hitting someone repeatedly, which is what Rex is hearing from the safety of his room. Rex’s conditioned acceptance of the violence in his home is an example of The Damaging Effects of Abuse and Conditional Love.

“Sometimes I hate the whole world. Sometimes I don’t know who to hate. I guess, most of the time, I just hate myself.”

Rex goes through contrasting cycles of love and hate toward himself, his family, his friends, and the world in general. His emotions are in a constant state of turmoil as a result of his unpredictable home life. His anger is born of neglect, showing How Classism Affects Youth and Families.

“I feel all light and glowy and warm. I can’t name the feeling for a while, and then I realize I’m just really happy.”

Rex so rarely feels happy that it takes him a moment to realize when he does. His life is filled with anger and uncertainty, so it’s a strange contrast for him to experience a moment of joy and relaxation. However, before he finally comes to feel optimism and gratitude, he goes through a period of severe disappointment when he finds out that his family is moving to government-sponsored public housing (as per the theme of Optimism and Gratitude in a World That Seeks to Break One Down).

“She’s a grenade, my mom, but you can’t see the pin, if it’s in or out. So Sam, Ford, and I sit around, waiting for her to explode. I’m never relaxed. Never calm. Or happy. I’m always on edge.”

Rex uses a metaphor to compare his mother to a grenade with an invisible pin. It is impossible to tell when she will explode, leaving him and the rest of the family in a constant state of anxiety. Luciana’s emotional state is oppressive even when she’s not doing anything, because she has conditioned her family to fear her.

“That’s when I realize. She’s broken. I don’t know if she was born this way, or if something broke her along the way. Maybe being poor broke her. But she isn’t well. And she can’t get well as long as this is her life.”

When Luciana breaks down over spilled milk in the kitchen, Rex realizes she is mentally unwell. He reflects on his combative nature toward her and how this may have contributed to her stress, and decides to do what he can to help Luciana find a source of Optimism again (as per the theme of Optimism and Gratitude in a World That Seeks to Break One Down). He also recognizes how being poor often creates a cycle which makes people mentally unwell, and thus less equipped to support themselves.

“Being poor in this country is like—like starving at an all-you-can-eat buffet. You can see all of this food piled high, but you can’t have any of it. It’s just out of reach.”

Luciana uses simile to compare being poor to being unable to eat even while surrounded by a large supply of food. She and Rex live in a world where they are able to see the many luxuries afforded to richer people, but not experience them. They feel punished by society and are thus perpetually frustrated. This quote demonstrates How Classism Affects Youth and Families, how it leads to significant disparities in peoples’ quality of life.

“Great wealth is coming your way.”

At Luciana’s new place of work, Rex opens a fortune cookie that foreshadows brighter times ahead. He interprets the fortune to be speaking of financial wealth, but his future is bound to be wealthy in more ways than one. Luciana is softening, and Rex decides to practice optimism and gratitude (as per the theme of Optimism and Gratitude in a World That Seeks to Break One Down). The opening of fortune cookies is symbolic of the positive changes both within and around Rex.

“Then I think of Abuela growing up in Mexico. And the homeless people who ask for change on the side of the road. I think about how we were homeless for one night, and that was awful. But now we have a roof over our head. And Sam and Mom never let us starve, even if we have to do without TV or a toaster for a little while. Mom didn’t sign me up for the Free Lunch Program to punish me. She did it so I could have food.”

When Rex receives only one present for Christmas, he wants to become angry, but actively strives to change his way of thinking and be grateful instead. Rather than blame his parents or fixate on what he doesn’t have, he learns to appreciate his parents’ efforts and understand the necessity of support in times of financial crisis (which, again, isn’t to excuse Luciana and Sam’s abuse, but explain it).

“Money isn’t everything. Trust Me. My family has money, but that doesn’t mean we’re happy.”

When Rex visits best friend Ethan’s house for New Year’s Eve, he assumes Ethan’s life is perfect because his house is large. Ethan challenges Rex’s assumption by stating that nothing is perfect, and that money doesn’t equate to happiness. Rex’s worldview is shaken, but having matured, he recognizes Ethan’s wisdom and continues to look up to him.