Forever, Interrupted: A Novel

“Ana leaves, and as I hear the door shut, it hits me how alone I am. I am alone in this room, I am alone in this apartment, but more to the point, I am alone in this life. I can’t even wrap my brain around it. I just get up and pick up the phone. I get the number from the front of the refrigerator and I see a magnet for Georgie’s Pizza. I fall to the floor, my cheek against the cold tile. I can’t seem to make myself get up.”

Ben’s death augments Elsie’s loneliness, represented through the repetition of “alone” here, and inspires her search for new relationships and connections. In the immediate wake of losing Ben, Elsie pulls away from her friends and community because she’s convinced no one understands her grief. Furthermore, every object in her surroundings reminds her of her late husband and thus threatens to lodge her in her sorrow for the foreseeable future. This passage also introduces the narrative’s formal rules, as Elsie’s response to the Georgie’s Pizza magnet instigates a shift into the past: a temporal pattern that repeats throughout the novel.

“He wasn’t overly interested or desperate. He wasn’t aloof or cool either, he just…was. I don’t know whether he was this way with all women, whether he was able to talk to any woman as if he’d known her for years, or whether it was just me. But it didn’t matter. It was working. ‘Oh, it’s fine,’ he said. ‘But I’m not even going to try for your number. Girl compliments your eyes, your hair, your beard, your arms, your name, that means she’s open to a date. Girl compliments your shirt? You’re getting shut down.’”

Elsie and Ben’s meeting at Georgie’s Pizza inspires their sudden, intense, and brief romance. They are immediately attracted to one another and therefore become convinced that their connection will last throughout time. This scene is the narrative meet-cute and spurs the fast-paced evolution of their romance. Their casual dialogue conveys their immediate comfort with each other.

“They believe that life is work. It’s not about joy. It’s not about laughter. It’s not about love, really, I don’t think, for them. It’s about work. I don’t think my dad likes saving lives as much as he likes being at the top of a field that is constantly growing and changing. I think it’s about progress for them. Library science isn’t exactly cutting edge. But I mean, there isn’t much they can do. My parents weren't really very engaged parents, you know? So, I think when I changed my major it was, like, this moment of…It was a break for all of us. They no longer needed to pretend that they understood me. I no longer needed to pretend I wanted what they had.”

Elsie’s fraught relationship with her parents leaves her wanting for family and kinship. She doesn’t believe that she can repair her relationship with her mom and dad because they have ideological differences. By contrast, she does embrace a life and future with Ben because she believes their connection might offer her the familial closeness she has lacked in her relationship with her parents.

“Don’t call it the body, you asshole. That’s my husband. That’s the body that held me when I cried, the body that grabbed my left hand as it drove us to the movies. That’s the body that made me feel alive, made me feel crazy, made me cry and shake with joy. It’s lifeless now, but that doesn’t mean I’ve given up on it.”

Elsie’s first-person point-of-view narration offers intimate access to Elsie’s vulnerable thoughts and intense emotions. She doesn’t articulate these feelings to the hospital attendants, but her narration reveals her profound and desperate response to losing her husband in such a sudden and shocking manner. Her resistance to his loss is reflected in her initial refusal to call him “the body,” while the inescapable nature of death is reflected through her repetition of that same phrase over and over again.

“What about this? Let’s give it…let’s say, five weeks, and we can see each other as much as we want, but no one can up the ante. We can just stop ourselves from being too intense up front. Let’s just hang out and enjoy each other’s company and not worry about too fast or too slow or anything. And then at the end of five weeks, we can really assess if we are crazy or not. If at the end of it, we are both on the same page, then great.”

Elsie and Ben’s mutual feelings allow them to pursue an intense and meaningful relationship. They create parameters for their new romance to ensure honesty and openness between them without compromising the profundity of their attraction. These are relational dynamics they maintain throughout their relationship.

“I wanted to reach across the table and wring his neck. My face flushed with jealousy. My chest felt like my lungs were a bonfire. I didn’t have a good reason. I couldn’t rationalize it. I wanted to yell at him and tell him what he had done was wrong, but he hadn’t done anything wrong. Nothing at all. It didn’t even make sense for me to be this jealous. I just…I wanted to believe that Ben was mine. I wanted to believe that no one had made him smile until I did, no woman had made him yearn to touch her until I had.”

Elsie’s jealous response to hearing about Ben’s ex conveys the depth of her feelings for Ben. She is angry that another woman is calling Ben because she doesn’t want anyone or anything to threaten their connection. She believes in what they share and believes that their mutual attraction deserves to be valued over all other relationships no matter the associated risks. The extreme nature of her jealousy is reflected through hyperbole, such as the exaggeration of wanting to “wring his neck.”

“You want to sit there and pretend you knew everything about your son, you go ahead. Live the lie if you want to. But don’t try to bring me down with you. I am his wife. He had been scared to tell you about me for six months. Six months of him going to your house with the intention of telling you that he had fallen in love and six months of him not doing it because he thought you were too distraught to handle it. So yes, he hid it from you. And I let him because I loved him. You want to be pissed at him. Go ahead. You want to be in denial about what happened. Go right ahead. I really don’t care anymore, Susan. But I lost my husband and I will call his fucking phone over and over and over if I want to because I miss his voice. So turn it off if you have to, but that’s your only option.”

Elsie’s bold, direct use of language in her conversation with Ben’s mother, Susan Ross, conveys her desperation to authenticate her love for and grief over Ben. Elsie confronts Susan in this manner because she wants her to understand the importance of her relationship with Ben, and therefore to authenticate her loss.

“Ben is gone. And I hate myself for laughing. I hate myself for forgetting, even for ten seconds, the man I have lost. Ana can tell the mood has shifted; the vacation from our misery has ended and I, once again, need to be maintained. She gets up off the floor first, dusting her ass off, and gives me a hand. I rise awkwardly, flashing my underwear at her while trying to stand up like a lady. No, like a lady isn’t enough. Like a widow. Widows require even more poise. Widows don’t accidentally flash their underwear at anyone.”

Elsie denies herself joy and friendship in the wake of Ben’s death because she fears that enjoying her life means that she’s forgetting Ben. She laughs for the first time after his death while preparing for his funeral with her best friend. This bout of levity is abbreviated because Elsie’s pain is still so new that she feels guilty for experiencing even momentary happiness—the way that grief distorts time is represented through juxtaposition here, contrasting “ten seconds” with a “vacation.” Elsie’s repetition of “widow” also shows that her sense of self has shifted, and she is struggling to adapt to her new identity.

“‘I know that you’ve probably all heard by now that Ben and I eloped just a few days before he passed away and I…know that puts us all in a difficult position. We are strangers to each other, but we share a very real loss. I had only been dating Ben a short while before we got married. I didn’t know him for very long. I admit that. But the short amount of time that I was his wife,’ I say, ‘was the defining part of my life.’”

Elsie’s speech at Ben’s funeral service reiterates her longing to prove that her love and marriage with Ben were real and therefore worthy of grieving. At the same time, her decision to speak at the funeral despite the odds against her conveys her boldness of character and investment in her abbreviated romance. As with her repetition of “widow” in the previous quote, her statement here solidifies her identity shift after loving and losing Ben.

“I know, but it’s been three years and she’s still in that same house, alone. My mom had the exterior of the house redone after my dad died. I think to keep busy maybe? I don’t know. She got money from the life insurance policy. When that was done, she added an extension. When that was done, she had the front yard redone. It’s like she can’t stop moving or she’ll implode. But she hasn’t changed much about the place inside, really. It’s mostly as my father left it. Pictures of him everywhere. She still wears her wedding ring. She isn’t moving on.”

Ben’s concern for his mother’s well-being captures his empathetic and caring nature. Ben is telling Elsie about his mother’s response to his dad’s death in a way that conveys how much he loves Susan and continues to prioritize her healing. At the same time, Ben’s words foreshadow Elsie’s response to his death in the coming months. The house is also a metaphor for grief—its shifting structure reflects the way that time and the world continue moving after someone dies, but its unchanging interior reflects the permanence of love and grief.

“Then I start to realize, I have to be pregnant. What are the chances I’m not? I must be. I messed up my birth control, I had unprotected sex multiple times, and it’s just a coincidence that my period, which is never late, is now late? That doesn’t make any sense. My period is days late. That can only mean one thing. It means I’m not alone in this. It means Ben is here with me. It means my life, that felt empty and miserable, now feels difficult but amenable. I can be a single mother. I can raise this child by myself. I can tell this child all about his father.”

Elsie’s belief that she is pregnant symbolizes a fleeting sense of hope and a way for Ben to live on. She sees her and Ben’s potential baby as a way to validate her romance with Ben and to survive his death. She soon discovers that she is not pregnant, a disappointment that challenges her to acknowledge the depth of her pain and her profound need for love and support to overcome it.

“I still don’t sleep in the middle of the bed. His side of the room is untouched. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think two people lived in my apartment. I haven’t moved his PlayStation. There is food in the refrigerator that he bought, food I will never eat, food that is rotting. But I can’t throw it out. If I look in that refrigerator and there are no hot dogs, it will just reinforce that I am alone, that he is gone, that the world I knew is over. I’m not ready for that. I’d rather see rotting hot dogs than no hot dogs, so they stay.”

The structure and content of this description parallel Ben’s description of his mother’s home—a place in stasis. Elsie’s inability to change her living space after Ben’s death is a manifestation of her grief. She doesn’t move Ben’s belongings or things because she is afraid that doing so will erase Ben from her life and memory and negate his influence on her. The fact that this behavior is more harmful than helpful is symbolized by the rotting food in the refrigerator.

“‘I was awful, when I think about it from your point of view. And you don’t know me at all, but I can tell you that once I realize I’m wrong, I do everything to make it right. I’ve thought about this for weeks and I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t ready to do better. I really do want to get to know you and I’d love to just…start over.’ She says ‘start over’ like it’s a refreshing thought, like it’s something people can actually do. And because of that, I start to feel like maybe it is possible. Maybe it’s easier than it feels. We will just start over. Let’s try again.”

Susan’s decision to humble herself and ask for forgiveness from Elsie marks a turning point in Elsie’s healing journey and character journey. From this moment on, Susan becomes Elsie’s guide and support system. She not only befriends, comforts, and takes care of Elsie but actively shepherds her out of grief and toward renewal.

“I just looked at her and smiled. For the first time, I felt like I had something over her. Sure, she was stunning and gorgeous and lively and bright. Men wanted her so badly they’d hound her for dates. But this man wanted me, and unlike Ana, I had felt what it was like to be wanted by someone you wanted just as badly. I wanted that for her, but there was a small part of me that felt victorious in that I had it and she didn’t even know enough to want it.”

Elsie sees her and Ana’s romances as a competition. She is proud to show off her relationship with Ben to Ana because she has always felt insecure around her and her sexual and romantic partners. This passage therefore foreshadows the characters’ falling out when Elsie fails to support Ana once she starts dating Kevin. Like other mentions of jealousy, this marks the starting point in Elsie’s character arc—her character initially struggles in her relationships with women. Through her grief, she comes to value female friendships more deeply.

“‘No, Elsie. I’ll tell you what. Everyone may tiptoe around you, myself included, but at some point someone needs to remind you that you lost something you only had for six months. Six months. And I’m not saying this isn’t hard, but it’s not like you’re ninety and you lost your life partner here. You need to start living your life and letting other people live theirs. I have the right to be happy. I didn’t lose that right just because your husband died.’ It’s quiet for a moment, as I look at her with my mouth wide open in shock. ‘And neither did you,’ she adds, and she walks out the door.”

Ana’s blunt language in this scene of dialogue captures her frustration with Elsie. This is the first time in the novel that anyone has addressed Elsie in this manner and challenged her behavior. Ana is pushing Elsie toward change in that she is compelling her to acknowledge her selfishness.

“His things are in boxes, but I do not feel that I have lost him. It’s a subtle feeling, but it’s real. I am now just a little bit ready to realize the beauty of progress, of moving on. I decide to seize the moment. I grab three boxes of clothes and load them in the car. When I’m done with those, I grab two more. I don’t go back in for more because I’m afraid I’ll lose my nerve. I tell myself this is for the best. This is good!”

Packing up and donating Ben’s things proves Elsie’s desire to heal. She decides to take a few of Ben’s boxes to the Goodwill immediately after she and Susan sort through Ben’s belongings because she wants to embrace healing and accept that Ben is gone, and the fact that healing is a process is symbolized by her dividing the task into loading small batches of boxes. This moment marks a pivotal turning point in Elsie’s emotional journey and character evolution.

“Listen to me; it means nothing, you think that some ten minutes you spent with Ben in a room defines what you meant to each other? It doesn’t. You define that. What you feel defines that. you loved him. He loved you. You believed in each other. That is what you lost. It doesn’t matter whether it’s labeled a husband or a boyfriend. You lost the person you love. You lost the future you thought you had.”

Susan plays an essential role in Elsie’s healing journey. Susan is one of the first people who fully authenticates Elsie’s love for Ben and her subsequent grief after he dies. Her use of language in this dialogue also conveys her capacity for empathy and investment in Elsie’s well-being, simultaneously making her a maternal figure and a valued female friend.

“It’s about five minutes before we sound like ourselves again, and I think how odd it is that I’ve only been away from Ana for a few weeks, and yet, I already feel estranged. Then it occurs to me that I haven’t been away from Ana for a few weeks. I’ve been away from her since Ben died. I let myself die when he did. I wonder if it was longer than that. I wonder if when I met Ben, part of me lost Ana. If so, I want her back. I want what we had back.”

Elsie’s time in Newport Beach with Susan grants her a new perspective on herself, her life, and her relationships. She begins to realize that although she has experienced great loss, she has failed her friends in the meantime. This revelatory passage illustrates Elsie’s desire to heal, grow, and change. These lines compel Elsie to make amends with Ana and to in turn develop new, healthy relationships despite her loss.

“‘Yes,’ I said softly and stunned, and then it grew louder and louder. ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’ I said, kissing him. He was holding on to me tightly. I have no doubt that some of our neighbors thought they were overhearing something they shouldn’t have. We fell back onto the bed and proved them right. ‘I love you,’ he said to me over and over. He whispered it and he moaned it. He spoke it and he meant it. He loved me. He loved me. He loved me. And just like that, I was going to be part of a family again.”

Marrying Ben is Elsie’s way of solidifying a new family structure. She rushes into the marriage because she is so desperate to be accepted and loved—this is reflected in the repetition of “He loved me.” In the wake of Ben’s death, the dream of a new family temporarily dies until Elsie learns that she can create her own family by fostering connections with others.

“She’s not a part of this relationship. This is about you and me. It’s about what you want and what I want. And what I want is to be with the kind of man that wants to marry me so bad, nothing will stop him. I want to be loved by someone who loves me so much he can’t think straight. I want you to love me in a way that makes you stupid and impractical. I want to rush into this. Rushing into it is romantic.”

This revealing passage acts as the climax of the novel. For the majority of the narrative, Elsie’s insular first-person narration suggests that it was Ben’s decision not to tell Susan about Elsie before their marriage. This moment reveals otherwise. Remembering what happened between her and Ben in Vegas in turn inspires Elsie to convey the truth to Susan in the following chapter--a revelation that complicates and deepens their relationship.

“I think that I am still mourning for my husband, and the loss of my son is…it’s too huge to bear. It’s too large to even begin to deal with. I think having you as a part of my life, helping you to deal with this, I think it’s helping me to avoid dealing with it. I think I thought that if I could help you to get to a place where you could live again, that I would be able to live again. But I don’t think that’s the case.”

Susan and Elsie’s relationship is mutual and reciprocal. Initially, Susan regards Elsie as her project. However, in this moment, she is revealing that she needs Elsie to heal, too. By embracing vulnerability with one another, the women cultivate an even deeper, more lasting bond.

“We both sit there for a moment and stare at the grave, at the gravestone. As I let my eyes lose their focus on what’s right in front of me, I realize that I am in a sea of gravestones. I am surrounded by other people’s loss. It has never been so clear to me that I am not alone in this. People die every day and other people move on. If everyone that loved all of these people has picked themselves up and moved on, I can do it too.”

Elsie and Susan find closure when they visit Ben’s grave and talk to him together. This emotional scene particularly ushers Elsie over an emotional threshold. The cemetery setting helps her to understand that although her grief is her own, loss, pain, sorrow, and death are in fact universal human experiences. This is symbolized by the countless gravestones in the cemetery, each of which represents a person who was loved and lost. This passage, therefore, conveys Elsie’s desire and capacity for change.

“They aren’t clapping for me because I’m a widow back at work. They are clapping for me because I did something good for the library. I am something to them other than a woman who lost her husband. There is more to me than that. The day goes by as days at work do. I find myself enjoying the camaraderie of my job for the first time in months. I like being needed here. I like talking to people about books.”

Elsie’s return to the library and investment in the new young adult section capture her ultimate transformation. Elsie resisted healing after Ben first died. She became attached to her identity as a widow because Ben’s death seemed to eradicate her sense of self. In this moment from the novel’s penultimate chapter, however, Elsie realizes that Ben’s death does not define her and that she must embrace her life to honor his life.