Five Feet Apart

“I squint at the heart, thinking about that fateful last day. Somewhere poetic. A beach, maybe. Or a rowboat somewhere in Mississippi. Just no walls. I could sketch the landscape, draw a final cartoon of me giving the middle finger to the universe, then bite the big one.” 

Will imagines his last day alive as he counts down the days until his 18th birthday. At the beginning of the novel, Will struggles against the tyranny of his mother’s unrelenting efforts to “fix” him or “cure” him of cystic fibrosis. Will does not fear death but imagines it as a free and rebellious act. This perspective of death fuels his selfish and reckless actions at the novel’s beginning and sets the contrast for his later development into a sacrificial, selfless figure.

“I’ve seen parades from the one in Brazil, the people looking like brightly colored ants as they danced through the streets, wild and free. I’ve seen France sleep, the Eiffel Tower shining brightly in the distance, lights quietly shutting off in third-floor apartments, the moon drifting lazily into view. I’ve seen the beaches in California, water that goes on for miles and miles, people basking in the perfect waves first thing in the morning.

Every place is different. Every place is unique. It’s the hospitals I’m seeing them from that are the same.”

Will longs for escape and independence. He feels trapped within the monotony of the hospitals he has inhabited throughout his life. He serves as a contrasting figure to Stella, who initially finds comfort in the familiarity of Saint Grace’s Hospital. Her relationship with Will opens her eyes to the world outside the hospital and to a desire to travel the world and experience it for herself. Without the comfort of Saint Grace’s and her sister Abby, Stella, through her connection with Will, learns to fulfill her dreams of independence.

“For the first time I feel the weight of every single inch, every millimeter, of the six feet between us. I pull my sweatshirt closer to my body, looking away at the pile of yoga mats in the corner, trying to ignore the fact that that open space? It will always be there.” 

Newly awakened to her need for intimate connection, Stella feels the physical distance between her and Will more intensely. She begins to change through their budding relationship and, with her new perspective, she sees the familiar world around her in a new light. Stella is irrevocably changed.

“‘Living is the only choice I have, Will!’ she snaps, standing up and glaring down at me.

I stand up, staring at her. Wanting to step closer and close the gap between us. Wanting to shake her to get her to see. ‘But, Stella. That’s not living.’” 

Stella shares more of her life with Will, including the immense pressure she feels to stay alive for her parents. Stella places so much focus on maintaining her health that she fails to fully experience life in the present. Will attempts to show Stella that there is more to life than her adherence to an unwavering routine. He draws the distinction between the physical definition of living to which Stella clings and the emotional and soulful living for which he longs.

“Ever since then it’s like I’ve been living a dream, every day focused on keeping myself alive to keep them both afloat. I make to-do lists and check them off, trying to keep myself busy, swallowing my grief and pain so my parents don’t get consumed by theirs.” 

Stella describes her life after Abby’s death. To navigate her grief and stay alive, Stella relies on her routine. She compares grief to a body of water that threatens to drown her and her parents. Her routine serves as a life preserver. However, it becomes increasingly difficult for Stella to ignore the grief that surrounds her. Throughout the novel she must confront how she will continue to survive and live.

“I can feel something reaching from deep in my chest, in the tips of my fingers and the pit of my stomach. Reaching out to feel the smooth skin of her arm, the raised scars I’m sure are on her body. But I’ll never be able to. The distance between us will never go away or change. Six feet forever.” 

As they continue to get to know each other, Will feels more connected to Stella. Will’s feelings begin to overwhelm him, and he catches himself reaching out to touch or comfort Stella several times, despite the danger of such physical connection. Despite the physical restrictions that restrain their relationship, Will and Stella cannot ignore the growing connection between them.

“Stella’s been taking care of all of us. Her mom, her dad, me. I keep counting down to eighteen, to being an adult, holding the reins. Maybe it’s time I actually acted like it. Maybe it’s time I took care of myself.” 

As Will influences Stella to embrace life outside her strict routine, Stella also influences Will to take ownership over his life. After surprising Stella in the pre-op room before her G-tube surgery, Will overhears Barb scolding Stella’s parents for their selfish inability to be there for Stella because of their acrimonious divorce. Affected by Barb’s words, Will recognizes that he must take responsibility for his life and not rely on Stella or his mother. Although he and Stella briefly separate, the effects of this moment contribute to Will’s growth from rebellious, resentful teenager to responsible adult.

“I’m tired of living without really living. I’m tired of wanting things. We can’t have a lot of things. But we could have this.” 

After Will withdraws from Stella due to guilt over possibly endangering her life, Stella confronts Will and confesses her strong desire to be with him, no matter the danger. Stella expresses her dissatisfaction with her old life and her desire to start a new chapter in her life. Stella’s newfound boldness fuels her actions throughout the remainder of the novel and leads her to further growth.

“I’ve been on the roof of dozens of hospitals through the years. I’ve looked down at the world below and experienced this same feeling at every single one. Longing to be walking through the streets or swimming in the ocean or living life in a way I’ve never really gotten the chance to. Wanting something that I couldn’t have.” 

Still afraid of harming Stella, Will returns to his place of refuge: the roof of Saint Grace’s Hospital. He contemplates this common experience of feeling separated from what he truly desires in life. This thread of longing haunts Will and informs his commitment to value experiences over safety. Stella challenges this commitment as Will grows increasingly selfless and concerned for Stella’s safety above his own desire to be with her.

“‘Most of us can’t have children, a lot of us never live long enough to try. Only other CFers know what this feels like, but we’re not supposed to fall in love with each other.’ She stands up, determined. ‘So, after all that CF has stolen from me—from us—I’m stealing something back.’” 

In her elaborate ploy to reignite her stalled relationship with Will, Stella uses a five-foot-long pool cue to represent her variation of the medically mandated six feet of distance that prevents cystic fibrosis survivors from getting too close to one another. Stella reclaims one foot of distance to exert control over the various uncontrollable factors that limit so much of her and Will’s lives. The novel builds toward this moment when the formerly cautious Stella expresses her newfound power over her life choices. In this moment Stella no longer lives for her parents but solely for herself.

“I swallow my usual instinct to be sarcastic. I want to be real with her. ‘I think about that very last breath. Sucking for air. Pulling and pulling and getting nothing. I think about my chest muscles ripping and burning, absolutely useless. No air. No nothing. Just black.’ I look at the water, rippling around my feet, the detailed image in my head familiar and sinking into the pit of my stomach.” 

On their first official date, Stella and Will share their views of death and the afterlife. Will casts aside his familiar flippant sarcasm and exposes his own fears of his last physical moments of life. Stella and Will connect over these haunting imagined last breaths. Will demonstrates an uncharacteristic vulnerability that draws him and Stella even closer.

“I sink under the water and she follows me, small bubbles floating to the surface as we look at each other across the washed-out world underneath the water, our hair floating up and around us, pulling toward the surface, the lights casting shadows off our thin bodies. We smile at each other, and even though there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t, looking at her now, I can’t help feeling like I’m falling in love with her.” 

During their date, Stella and Will jump into the pool after revealing their scarred bodies to one another in a moment of tender vulnerability. In the water they take in a new world removed from the harsh reality that forces them to stay separate. Though brief, this escape shows Will the undeniable and passionate love he has for Stella.

“We walk past things I’ve seen a million times in my years at Saint Grace’s. Dozing security guards, and surgeons angrily shaking the broken vending machine by the lobby, the same white tile floors and the same dimly lit hallways, but everything seems different with Will next to me. It’s like seeing everything for the first time. I didn’t know it was possible for a person to make old things become new again.” 

Will and Stella continue on their date through Saint Grace’s Hospital. Stella remarks how this familiar landscape seems changed due to Will’s influence in her life. She feels renewed and takes in her surroundings as new experiences, demonstrating how her worldview has been irreversibly changed by Will’s presence in her life.

“All this time I thought she only saw my disease. A problem you fix. But, instead, she was looking right at me, trying to get me to fight against it alongside her, when all I did was fight her tooth and nail. All she wanted was for me to stay and fight, when all I kept doing was getting ready to leave.” 

On Will’s birthday, he fights with his mother over his determination to stop relentless medical treatments in favor of actively living his life. After perceiving his mother’s unintentional reference to his cystic fibrosis as a “problem,” Will berates her for not knowing who he really is, only to realize that his mother purchased his favorite political cartoon as a gift for him. In this moment Will realizes his active part in the tense dynamic between them. He transitions from angry teenager to a reasoned adult who can place himself in his mother’s shoes. He no longer views his mother as an enemy he must destroy but an ally with whom he must join forces.

“It’s just life, Will. It’ll be over before we know it.”

Will and Stella continue their two-mile journey in winter weather to see the holiday lights Stella saw with her sister Abby every year. Once a devoted and unwavering planner, Stella now moves solely in action, hungrily pursuing her own needs and desires, no matter the possibly devastating consequences. In contrast, Will operates as a voice of reason who attempts to mitigate Stella’s unfaltering passion. In this quote Stella adopts Will’s former casual discussion of life and death as she pushes them forward on their rebellious quest.

“I don’t need new lungs to feel alive. I feel alive right now. My parents said they wanted me to be happy. I have to trust I know what that is. They’re going to lose me eventually, and I can’t control that.”

Stella and Will skate on the frozen pond they encounter on their journey toward the holiday lights. Stella ignores the many calls from her parents and Barb, informing her of a lung transplant. She internally grapples with the decision to choose between new lungs and time with Will. In this moment she chooses Will and articulates her final break from the guilt that entrenched her earlier in the novel. Stella releases control of what she cannot control and chooses to live for what she can: herself.

“This is all my fault. The Stella from two weeks ago would never be this stupid. But now, all thanks to me, she’s about to throw everything away.” 

After reading a text message from his mother informing him of the new lungs available for Stella, Will blames himself for the change in Stella that has caused her to reject the lung transplant. Will sees how he has impacted Stella and panics over the possibility of Stella ruining her one chance at an extended lease on life. Will’s transition is still incomplete, and he struggles with his internal conflict over selfishly encouraging Stella to embrace life as he does or selflessly saving her from a more immediate death.

“Abby smiles wider now. ‘I need you to live, okay? Live, Stella. For me.’” 

After Stella falls into the frozen pond, she envisions Abby saving her. Abby instructs Stella to choose life and implores her to continue living on her behalf. This reflects how Abby lived for Stella in her short lifetime. Abby’s adventures served as an outlet for Stella’s inability to explore; now, from the afterlife, Abby grants Stella permission to return the favor, to live for Abby by living for herself.

“And I give it to her. I give everything I have to her, the girl that I love. She deserves that.” 

Despite the physical toll it takes on him, Will desperately attempts to resuscitate Stella. Without hesitation, Will sacrifices his own health to ensure he does all he can to revive Stella. Will no longer longs for a life where he lives for himself alone; rather, he embraces the opportunity to act selflessly for the girl he loves.

“Do you know how many things I am going to lose to CF? That I already have lost? The lungs won’t change that.” 

lung transplant. She is unremitting in her commitment to embrace every moment with Will and to live freely. Stella also recognizes that she cannot control life, not even with this long-awaited lung transplant. Stella only agrees to the lung transplant at Will’s insistence and because of Abby’s plea from the afterlife.

“I used to always be searching for something. Searching from every rooftop for something that would give me a purpose. And now I’ve found it.”

Will prepares his parting gift to Stella as she recovers from her successful lung transplant. As he draws their memories, Will reflects on the hopelessness and longing that consumed his life before he met Stella. He symbolizes this longing with the image of his rooftop refuge, where he would imagine himself free from the confines of the many hospitals he has inhabited. Will has found peace through his relationship with Stella and in trusting his choice to leave so that Stella can live.

“I love him. And he’s about to leave my life forever so that I can have a life to live.” 

Stella says goodbye to Will from her window. She recognizes that Will is choosing to leave for her benefit. In the beginning it was Stella who sacrificed her freedom for the happiness of her parents; now it is Will who sacrifices his desires to protect someone other than himself.

“We need that touch from the one we love, almost as much as we need air to breathe. I never understood the importance of touch, his touch…until I couldn’t have it.” 

As Will watches Stella’s most recent YouTube video eight months later, he hears Stella describe their relationship and the importance of human touch. Despite their deep love for one another, they were unable to reach a deeper level of intimacy because of their cystic fibrosis. Will and Stella recognize the importance of human touch to unlock this deeper intimacy and the reality that they will never achieve it with one another. After hearing Stella share these truths, Will encounters Stella in the flesh. They are reunited but still separate, just as their paths will continue to be.