Felix Ever After

Felix remembers that it is gender identity discussion night at the LGBT Center. Before the meeting, he sketches strangers at a cafe and realizes that any of them could be nonbinary. He realizes that not assuming who these people are helps with his art. The same folks attend the meeting as last time. The group talks about rejection from cis, gay, white men and whether it would be easier to only hang out with other trans people of color. Tom insists that they need to both fight for acceptance and create their own world where they can know they’re loved and accepted.

Felix works up the courage to ask the group how to figure out your gender identity. Bex says that it’s okay to question forever. Tom is envious that Felix’s generation is more open to exploration and tells him that “there are still hardships, but don’t forget to enjoy these years […] live them for the people who never lived past being a teenager” (277).

Later that evening, Felix is reading an exhaustive list of transgender identities when he finds “demiboy,” which the site defines as “a person who identifies as mostly or partly male, but may also identity as nonbinary some of the time, or even as a girl” (278). Felix knows right away that this term fits him perfectly; he wants to tell Ezra about it but instead posts a selfie with the caption “guess who’s a demiboy?” (279). Almost immediately, Felix realizes he accidentally posted this on his luckyliquid95 account and deletes it.

At school the next day, a red-eyed Declan confronts Felix by calling the number for Lucky right in front of him. Felix chases Declan out of the class, apologizing and attempting to explain that though this started as a prank, he has real feelings for Declan and might be falling in love too. Declan tells Felix to never talk to or look at him again.

Felix works up the courage to send an email to his mother. He writes about losing Declan, about Ezra, and about his ongoing troll. He asks, “Do you miss me? Do you still love me?” (284).

Felix stays home sick so he doesn’t have to face Declan. When he tries calling Declan, Declan texts back, “don’t ever call me again” (285). Felix tells his father about the situations with Ezra and Declan, and about emailing his mother. Felix’s dad talks about how he used to try to get Lorraine back until he realized it wasn’t a healthy love. He advises Felix is to use this time to focus on himself.

The next day, when grandequeen69 messages Felix, he remembers what his father said. He resolves, “it’s easier to accept hurt and pain, sometimes, than love and acceptance. I delete the app from my phone” (288). He focuses on himself rather than Ezra and Declan and becomes inspired to reclaim the gallery wall. He paints several new self-portraits. Instantly, he knows that these paintings will be his Brown portfolio. Leah hacks Marisol’s phone and finds that she is not Felix’s troll; Felix decides that it is time to stop searching.

Declan is reluctant to trust Felix but asks him out to lunch; he asks why Felix lied to him. When Ezra sees them walking together, Felix regrets saying yes to lunch. Felix and Declan hash out their virtual relationship; Declan says that in retrospect, it was obvious who Lucky was. At times he had hoped it was Ezra, but he was not disappointed to find it was Felix. Declan asks Felix to come to Beacon for the weekend. Felix agrees.