Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2012

A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.

Download PDF

Summary

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Introduction-Chapter 3

Chapters 4-5

Chapter 6-Conclusion

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

Beta

Discussion Questions

Themes

The Power of Stories

As a researcher, Brown interviews people to gather data. The anxieties, fears, hopes, struggles, and dreams that people describe are remarkably consistent. Brown uses this data to show that our sense of shame, fear of vulnerability, and desire to live wholeheartedly by embracing connection and love is a universal human feeling. However, people struggle to live the way that they want to. To deepen her analysis, Brown turns to storytelling to augment her data:

Storytelling is my DNA, and I couldn’t resist the idea of research as story-catching. Stories are data with a soul and no methodology honors that more than grounded theory. The mandate of grounded theory is to develop theories based on people’s lived experiences rather than proving or disproving existing theories (236).

Brown argues that vulnerability is what makes stories powerful. We have to be brave and open about our deepest thoughts to really connect to other people. Throughout her book, Brown models how to do this with candid reflections on parenting, addiction, and her own anxieties and failures.

One of the powerful things about stories, Brown argues, is that we are constantly writing them. The key difference between people who live greatly and those who are too afraid is a sense of worthiness and a belief that they are enough. Brown shows us through a series of anecdotes and observations that this belief is internal. It has nothing to do with your career success, socio-economic status, or relationships. Self-worth comes from inside us: it is unconditional and a renewable resource. As Brown argues, if we struggle with shame, one solution is to acknowledge and accept what we did wrong, we need to “own the story!” (64). If we try to bury shame, it festers inside us and impacts our self-worth. Over time, it becomes a story that defines us because we can’t face it head-on:

I often say this aloud: “If you own this story you get to write the ending. If you own this story you get to write the ending.” When we bury the story we forever stay the subject of the story. If we own the story we get to narrate the ending. As Carl Jung said, “I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become” (64).

To develop self-worth, we have to change our story. We have to tell ourselves that we are worthy. The story that we tell ourselves about who we are shapes our destiny. This is a powerful tool because it means we can change our lives. If we were raised to be fearful and anxious, which results in low-self-worth, we can build vulnerability slowly and change our story. We can accept that we are enough.

Scarcity and Shame

A sense of scarcity pervades contemporary Western society. Scarcity teaches us that nothing is ever enough: we are not enough, and we never have enough. Brown writes, “The word scarce is from the Old Norman French scars, meaning ‘restricted in quantity’ (c. 1300). Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyperaware of lack. Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking” (10). This makes people afraid. If we have a scarcity mindset, we can’t be vulnerable and open. Scarcity resembles a state of “post-traumatic stress” that blocks us from “coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability)” (11). A scarcity mindset encourages competition rather than co-operation.

Brown argues that scarcity is the root of shame. This is problematic because “shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do and be better” (208). Shame tells us we are our mistakes, that they define us, and critically, that we can’t grow and change. She outlines how shame surfaces in families, workplaces, and schools:

Shame: Is fear of ridicule and belittling used to manage people and/or to keep people in line? Is self-worth tied to achievement, productivity, or compliance? Are blaming and finger-pointing norms? Are put-downs and name-calling rampant? What about favoritism? Is perfectionism an issue? Comparison: Healthy competition can be beneficial, but is there constant overt measurement of everyone else’s worth? Disengagement: Are people afraid to take risks or try new things? Is it easier to stay quiet than to share stories, experiences, and ideas? Does it feel as if no one is really paying attention or listening? Is everyone struggling to be seen and heard? (12)

The opposite of scarcity is often described as abundance. Brown, however, argues that abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin, so abundance isn’t the answer to scarcity. The answer to scarcity is actually wholeheartedness, which is premised in vulnerability, feeling worthy, accepting uncertainty, exposure, emotional risk, and most of all, trusting that you are enough. Until we move past a scarcity mindset, we can’t live greatly.

Vulnerability

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, vulnerable is defined as “to wound,” “capable of being wounded” and “open to attack or damage” (23). People are afraid of being wounded or attacked, so they wear emotional armor to prevent vulnerability. However, Brown argues that we are more at risk of being hurt when we don’t acknowledge our vulnerability. If we can name our fears and work through them openly and with courage, we can meet the challenge head-on. Our desire to avoid vulnerability makes us more vulnerable. Brown turns to the Merriam-Webster definition for weakness, which is the “inability to withstand attack or wounding” (23). We are weaker if we can’t embrace vulnerability.

What people desire is belonging, love, and understanding. If we wear emotional armor, we can’t let people in. Love is the irreducible need of all people, as humans are hardwired to connect to other people. Vulnerability is the key to connection. Brown divides people she studies into two camps: those who feel a sense of love and belonging and those who struggle to feel accepted. The only difference between the two groups is a sense of worthiness. One has to believe they are worthy of love before they can be vulnerable and open hearted enough to let people in. Connection is why we are here, and it is what people need to move toward. Brown argues that being vulnerable is a prerequisite for embracing wholeheartedness and living greatly.