36 pages • 1 hour read
Brené BrownDare to Lead
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2018A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 1, Chapters 3-5Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 1: “Rumbling with Vulnerability”
Part 1, Chapter 3 Summary: “The Armory”
Brown defines living without defensive emotional armor as a kind of “wholeheartedness” (72). Living with wholeheartedness is about setting aside our armor and integrating our emotions, skills, and past experiences to approach our work in a holistic way. Without this quality we may try to over compartmentalize our personal and work lives, and turn off our feelings at work, which can lead to dysfunction in the workplace culture.
Brown describes the ego as a “hustler” since it aims to earn validation and praise while still protecting itself from criticism (74). As such, this aspect of our personalities will try to avoid any situations that require vulnerability. Our egos are scared to allow others to see our flaws and want to avoid any negative consequences that could result from that exposure, including feeling shame, which the author labels “the biggest threat to our ego and our sense of self-worth” (74). She then lists unhealthy approaches that are typical of “Armored Leadership,” such as “Driving Perfectionism and Fostering Fear of Failure,” “Hiding Behind Cynicism” and “Weaponizing Fear and Uncertainty” (75). She contrasts these with “Daring Leadership” qualities including “Modeling and Encouraging Healthy Striving, Empathy and Compassion,” and “Making Contributions and Taking Risks” (77).
Brown expands on these ideas by pointing out that perfectionism and shame naturally work hand-in-hand, since perfectionistic expectations drive us to achieve and people-please in order to earn validation and avoid the shame of failure. Rather than helping us avoid feeling unworthy, however, perfectionism is “a function of shame” (79). “Healthy striving,” conversely, is not about completely eliminating imperfections but is focused on making improvements for yourself, and not necessarily to please others (79).
She then examines joyful celebration, and explains that this, too, can make people feel vulnerable since we worry about losing what we cherish. Instead of fully embracing and experiencing joy, we sometimes feel we need to get ready to protect ourselves by “planning to deal with the fear of disappointment” (81). In the workplace this kind of “foreboding joy” occurs when teams are worried about celebrating their work too early and become preoccupied thinking about how it could go wrong (82).
Brown argues that cultivating gratitude in a workplace can be a valuable way to encourage joy, since it allows people to enjoy their accomplishments rather than plan for disappointment. She ties this in with the proven value of recognizing employee contributions, which is shown to increase employee satisfaction and lower the chance of them leaving their positions. Conversely, when we try to numb ourselves from painful experiences through escapist activities like shopping, social media, food, drugs, and alcohol, Brown argues that we are numbing ourselves from feeling real joy in the long term. In her research, interviewees reported that feeling vulnerable, nervous, and resentful prompted them to engage in “numbing” activities (87). Brown believes that by acknowledging and questioning our discomfort instead of trying to run from it we can better understand ourselves and develop strategies for “real comfort” rather than the “shadow comforts” of addictive behavior (87).
Brown claims that many workplaces espouse a “Victim or Viking” mentality in which you must “crush” and outcompete others or you will not survive yourself (91). She contrasts this with a healthier approach of developing a “strong back” by building true confidence and boundaries, while maintaining a “soft front” of compassion and openness to others (90). She also advises leaders to avoid always needing to be right, and warns against responding to others with cynicism, sarcasm, and criticism, which are needlessly hurtful and counterproductive. Instead, she says that approaching work from a place of hope will help others grow in their abilities. This means being clear about their shortcomings while offering support and solutions so they can improve their work.
Brown then compares the hierarchical and controlling “power over” approach in which leaders make decisions for others with a different “power with” approach that is more collaborative and fosters “mutual support and solidarity” (97). “Armored” leaders try to control employees and are generally focused on identifying mistakes and assigning blame, whereas more “Daring” leaders are willing to ensure that they have set up their team for success and acknowledge their own role in project success and failure (100).
Another example of “armored” leadership is to try to create group solidarity by stirring up fear and resentment of a common enemy. Brown explains that this approach has been used throughout history by authoritarian leaders in government and religious organizations and can also manifest as a strategy in workplace cultures. Brown explains that daring leaders reject this kind of simplistic and blaming thinking, instead acknowledging fear and division and promising to overcome it together.
It is also destructive to celebrate employees who overwork themselves because this can eventually result in burnout and health problems. Brown advises employers to not reward behavior such as working throughout the weekend or over holiday periods as it normalizes workaholism, which has been linked to depression and anxiety.
When dealing with employees’ questions and concerns, Brown advises direct candor over procrastinating, lying, blaming, or avoidance. She recalls a Costco CEO who frankly answered tough questions candidly and was applauded by his employees who appreciated his truthfulness. Brown concludes chapter 3 by reiterating that removing one’s “armor” is an essential aspect of cultivating productive and healthy leadership skills.
Part 1, Chapter 4 Summary: “Shame and Empathy”
Brown posits that our egos are highly reactive to feelings of shame. Events that cause us to feel “blamed, put down, ignored, or pushed away” can trigger shame and therefore activate an egotistical response (119). She shares a personal story about how suffering a concussion meant that she had to take a break from her job and recover; however, she felt so ashamed of her weakness that she resisted the healing process. She had to overcome the belief that “illness is weakness” which she had learned growing up and admit to herself that she needed time to heal from her injury (122).
Brown lists her “1-2-3s” of shame: 1) Shame is “universal” 2) Shame is always uncomfortable or painful to acknowledge and 3) The less we acknowledge shame, the more power it has over us (125). She defines shame as the feeling that we are “flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection” (126). Brown references brain research that demonstrates that feeling rejected has as powerful an effect as physical pain.
She clarifies that shame and guilt are quite different reactions; guilt can be an appropriate response to having made a specific mistake, while shame is the feeling of being wrong or flawed as a person. Brown argues that while we often refer to self-serving people as “shameless” she feels that shame is the cause, rather than the antidote, to their poor behavior (128). Brown believes that shaming people only triggers more hurtful behavior, but she acknowledges that there needs to be real “accountability” for their actions (129). In contrast, the feeling of guilt can include empathy and is associated with acknowledging wrongdoing and making apologies. Therefore, Brown feels that there is some value in experiencing some guilt about our own actions.
Brown also explains how shame can manifest itself in workplace culture by underpinning behaviors such as “[g]ossiping, favoritism […] harassment, discrimination, power over, [and] bullying” (130). Strategies that aim to embarrass some colleagues while rewarding others show that shame has become a “management tool” and is endemic in the workplace culture (131). Brown explains that these same problems can become common in schools and religious institutions as well. One of the most difficult work situations that can result in feelings of shame is firing employees. Brown argues that managers should always try to let people leave with “dignity” by resigning or announcing their own departure in the way they would like (133).
Brown believes that empathy helps to resolve feelings of shame and defines empathy as “connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience” (140). Showing empathy to others helps them feel understood and supported as they endure a difficult experience. Brown advises the reader to connect with their friends and colleagues with empathy while still maintaining boundaries and not conflating others’ problems with their own. She enumerates the five empathic skills: “Perspective taking,” being non-judgmental, understanding others’ feelings and communicating your own, and paying attention to your own emotions (143-148).
Brown then explains six barriers to empathy that she calls “empathic misses.” The first is confusing empathy with sympathy; while empathy says, “Me too,” sympathy says ,“I feel sorry for you” (153). The second “miss” is reacting with “Gasp and Awe” to someone’s misfortune, which only makes them feel worse (154). The third is “The Mighty Fall,” or making someone defend themselves because you expected better of them. The fourth is to “Block and Tackle” by directing anger or blame at another person they feel is causing their friend’s pain (154). The fifth empathic miss, “Boots and Shovel” approach, mistakenly emphasizes the person’s great qualities while ignoring the possibility that they might have played a role in creating their unhappy situation. Finally, there is “If you think that’s bad…” in which people redirect the conversation to focus on their own disappointments (155).
The author builds on this analysis to explain that self-compassion is an important factor in being empathetic to others. Brown argues that learning how to not “punish or shame ourselves” for our own shortcomings is an important way to build a healthy relationship with ourselves (157). Brown reiterates that empathy, whether directed towards ourselves or others, is an essential part of creating “shame resilience” (161). She advises us to acknowledge feelings of shame and talk about them to take away their negative influence.
Part 1, Chapter 5 Summary: “Curiosity and Grounded Confidence”
Brown begins this chapter by distinguishing “grounded confidence” from arrogance or empty posturing (165). She posits that real confidence can only be developed by acknowledging vulnerability and working through it. The author laments that many people grow up in situations that require them to “armor up” and protect themselves from hostile family and workplace situations. She compares leadership skills to sports skills, arguing that it is important to regularly navigate smaller tasks in order to build up to larger tests of leadership. She recalls a meeting with a CEO who believed that knowing how to acknowledge vulnerability was an essential part of leadership because it allowed him to “hold the tension of the paradoxes that are inherent in entrepreneurship,” such as “optimism and paranoia […] thinking global, acting local, ambition and attention to detail” (169).
While operating within our comfort zone feels safe and “easy,” Brown reports that without challenge we cannot develop new skills (170). Interestingly, most companies try to keep their training programs as easy as possible, and in doing so miss the opportunity to help their employees develop and reach their potential. The author warns against designing tasks for popularity and ease rather than skill-building and advises managers to aim for a “desirable difficulty” in their training (170).
She argues that curiosity is a key ingredient in vulnerability, courage, and learning. Curiosity helps us overcome egotistical responses that favor safe plans of action or outsmarting others; instead, we are more willing to explore different ideas or take the unconventional route to a new solution. Brown recommends using sentence starters such as “Tell me more,” “I’m curious about,” and “I’m wondering” to show your teammates that you are truly interested in what they have to contribute (172). Brown cites fashion CEO Stefan Larsson as an example of a leader who created a culture of trust in his company Old Navy, which resulted in a significant increase in productivity and success.
Brown concludes by referring the reader to more resources on her website, BrenéBrown.com.
Part 1, Chapters 3-5 Analysis
Brown continues to examine the qualities of daring leaders while also exposing negative traits and behaviors that create workplace dysfunction. In order to clearly communicate her argument, Brown often utilizes numbered lists. For example, when dissecting how shame can permeate our personal and professional lives, she refers to the 1-2-3s of shame. She also clearly lists and explains the poor habits of “armored leaders” and the main barriers to empathy. This writing style helps Brown take abstract and sometimes subjective topics such as shame and defensiveness and make them more concrete for the reader. It also helps her communicate specific skills and behaviors that she believes will help the reader overcome these challenges. Furthermore, Brown uses these passages to communicate concrete tools, such as “TASC,” or “Task, Accountability, Success, Checklist.”
Brown continues to rely on personal anecdotes to bring color and clarity to her argument. For example, when she analyzes how and why people “numb” themselves to feelings of shame, she uses instances of her own addictive behavior as an illustration. She admits that in the past she relied on alcohol, smoking, and comfort eating to help her escape negative feelings. She also shares a personal story about suffering a concussion, which forced her to take weeks off of work during an important speaking tour. She admits that her shame and fear of appearing weak caused her to lash out at her team and resist taking time off to recover.
When Brown reflected on her experience, she realized that her family had always perceived illness as a weakness or laziness and that she had been conditioned to be “tough” and continue working (123). In order to heal, she had to admit that she was ill and needed rest and help. This humbling experience taught Brown that in order to remain truly productive and healthy she had to confront her tendency of being a pleaser and perfectionist and to acknowledge that she needed help. Brown also relies on analogies to illustrate her points. She compares a ball player practicing specific footwork techniques to excel in the game to leaders practicing certain communication skills in order to achieve understanding and success with their teams.
Brown continues to explore her theme of how our emotional health influences our behavior at work. She often ties specific feelings (e.g., shame) to certain workplace behaviors, such as bullying or sexual harassment, to make clear the connection between certain feelings and actions. She also reflects on how people are often raised in childhood to use damaging coping strategies when faced with shameful feelings such as rejection or fear. By discussing the root causes of people’s emotional responses and daily behavior, Brown adds detail and nuance to her explorations of workplace culture, mental health, and leadership.
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