Confessions of a Mask

Kochan decides that no one will ever see through his act, basing this on several assumptions: that everyone else is behaving with the same amount of falsehood as him, and that he will die young before anyone can reveal his secrets. To hide himself effectively, he mimics those around him. He describes this social performance as similar to cheating off a classmate’s test to succeed in school. He begins making sexual remarks about women, not out of genuine desire but to provoke a response from others. He can do this because, “where women were concerned, I was devoid of that shyness which other boys possess innately” (106). When people do not respond as he expects, he grows increasingly introspective, determined to play his part to perfection. As the war’s effect in Japan becomes more prominent socially, leading to increased stoicism and more rigid standards for behavior, Kochan masks his behavior further and further. He stretches himself between life and death and struggles to stabilize himself.

Kochan explains that he discussed his sexual development and erections in the previous chapter in such detail because, as he grew older, he had no context for why they happened. He uncoupled sexual impulses from desire, believing that erections in heterosexual sex would happen as part of a natural process, not from attraction. He feels superior over his classmates due to his introspection and ability to control himself around women, but to avoid pride, he accidentally convinces himself that everyone else experiences the world as he does. Unable to tell what his classmates are really experiencing or feeling, he assumes that he is just like them.

Believing that a personality failing causes him to not find women attractive, Kochan attempts to overcome this failing by gathering every memory of women that have interested him. He recounts his second cousin, Sumiko, whom he enjoyed watching. When she uses his lap as a pillow, he is not aroused but honored. He also describes an anemic woman on a bus, whose apathy interests him. Even though he liked watching the anemic woman, he was also attracted to the young bus driver, and is unable to tell that he looks at them in vastly different ways. He befriends a classmate named Nukada and fantasizes about his beautiful older sister, convincing himself that he finds her attractive. He believes that his desire to feel desire is sexual desire itself. Confused about the difference between platonic and romantic love, Kochan becomes obsessed with the idea of kissing, which he imagines capable of clarifying such emotions. When a recently widowed acquaintance, Chieko, kisses him, he feels no clarity, but convinces himself that it is because he is in love with another woman.

Kochan also discusses his other attractions to men, which have begun to take different forms. After explaining the ancient Greek concepts of androphilia and ephebophilia—attraction to adult men and attraction to youths respectively—he describes Yakumo, a younger student with a gentle personality and pale skin. Yakumo represents a different type of masculinity that attracts Kochan: young and graceful. Every four weeks, Kochan, a monitor, must command the boys to strip to their waists for gymnastics. This excites and terrifies him, as he can command Yakumo to undress without raising suspicion.

Kochan attends university, studying law. He does not expect to become a lawyer, however, as he is convinced that his family will die in an air raid and he will die in a battle. Despite this conviction, he is still afraid of death and flees to safety at the first sign of danger. He works in an airplane factory in a clerical position due to his weak constitution. He receives a draft notice to join a rural unit and believes fate has called him to die an easy death. On the way to his medical examination, however, he develops a fever and a cough. He uses this sickness to lie to the doctor about his symptoms, and the doctor interprets his condition as tuberculosis. Declared unfit for service, he is sent home. He debates with himself internally about his desire for death and his conflicting fear of it which led him to lie to the doctor. When the war ends, Kochan experiences a new fear: that of having to live a normal, civilian life without the threat of death.

Kochan befriends Kusano, a friend and cadet, and visits his home. He overhears Kusano’s younger sister, Sonoko, playing the piano, and is moved by the tragic reality that Kusano is soon to leave his sister’s repetitive piano playing for war. As he continues to visit their household, he develops a platonic crush on Sonoko, envisioning himself attracted to her legs and her shy personality. Later, Kusano’s mother invites him to visit Kusano with them, enabling him to meet Sonoko personally. The sight of her coming down the stairs the next day entrances him, and he insists that the emotions he felt were real and unique to his experience of her, even if he was not feeling attraction or desire. They take the train to visit Kusano together, and on the way talk and coyly flirt with one another, all within the rules of etiquette. Afterwards, Kochan runs circles around his own mind trying to untangle the truth about his feelings towards Sonoko, to no avail.

Kochan continues to visit Sonoko. He feels at ease around her, and her ephemerality intrigues him; seeing survivors of an air raid with her by his side emphasizes this to him. He struggles to interact with her but feels compelled to be with her when they are apart. Before her family leaves for the country, she gives him a letter; while he believes it to be a love letter, it is a simple thank you for some books. Consumed by self-hatred, Kochan has a debate with himself, mocking himself for not taking the first step with Sonoko while trying to examine whether he is even attracted to women at all. Unable to deny his love of violence, especially towards other men, Kochan suppresses his thoughts and writes a romantic response to Sonoko.

The war continues; Kochan’s family leaves for safety and Kochan goes back to factory work. He continues to write to Sonoko, and their letters grow increasingly affectionate. He finds himself able to believe he loves her, saying, “Absence had emboldened me. Distance had given me claim to ‘normality’” (182). Still, Kochan is unable to lie to his sister that he intends to marry Sonoko, as he had forgotten that marriage and children were standard expectations of romance. When he goes to visit Sonoko and her family, he intends to kiss her to stabilize his love for her, but the kiss only confirms his lack of attraction to her.

Terrified at the prospect of a future with Sonoko, Kochan leaves for home, functioning only on self-deception to keep up an illusion of romantic love towards Sonoko. He realizes that he has no will to live and contemplates suicide but decides against it. His attitude towards Sonoko changes as time passes, and Kusano eventually gently confronts him, asking him to marry her or let her go. Although Kusano promises not to judge him for his answer, Kochan becomes uneasy, but pretends to feel superior about not being in love with Sonoko. After asking his mother for advice, he breaks off their relationship.