Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Beattie expresses her strong support for 12-step programs as an effective way to overcome alcoholism and other addictions, as well as to help family members affected by a loved one’s addiction. The author proceeds to list many of the different groups available, such as Alcoholics Anonymous for those wanting to stop drinking, Al-Anon for people affected by someone else’s drinking, Alateen for teenagers in that situation, and a host of other programs focused on narcotics, gambling, eating disorders, sex addiction, and more. Beattie argues that these programs go beyond just helping people stop engaging in an addictive behavior—they teach members how to live fulfilling, healthy lives. She sees the 12 steps as promoting deep healing and giving new life to those who work them.

The chapter then outlines each of the 12 steps, with Beattie providing her personal interpretation and experience with each one. The first step is admitting powerlessness over alcohol/addiction and that life has become unmanageable. This involves surrendering to the truth that willpower alone is not enough to control the addiction. Step Two is about coming to believe a power greater than oneself can restore one and provide hope. The third step involves deciding to turn one’s will and life over to God’s care; Beattie found this freeing, compared to being controlled by addiction, as she realized there could be a greater purpose and plan for her life. Step Four involves making a “searching and fearless moral inventory” of oneself (247). The fifth step involves admitting to God, oneself and another person the exact nature of one’s wrongs since confession is conducive to healing. Step Six entails becoming ready to have God remove defects of character; Beattie uses this step daily. The seventh step involves asking God to remove shortcomings. Step Eight is making a list of all persons one has harmed, which Beattie says allows one to address guilt. Step Nine involves making amends, except when it would re-injure other parties. The tenth step encompasses taking personal inventory and admitting when one is wrong, so that self-evaluation becomes habit. Step 11 involves prayer and meditation to improve conscious contact with God; Beattie advises using this step daily as well. Finally, Step 12 involves carrying the message of the 12 steps to others, and practicing the principles throughout one’s life, leading to an awakening to the ability to love oneself and others instead of codependently rescuing them.

Beattie explains in pragmatic terms what working the program looks like. It involves regularly attending meetings, which are free and allow people to share openly about their struggles among others who can relate. Attendees learn from hearing each other’s experiences, study 12-step literature, and reflect on how to apply the steps and principles to their own lives. Members also often call each other for support between meetings and may get a sponsor.

Beattie shares an analogy she heard from a man at a 12-step meeting. In this tale, the listener is asked to imagine standing on the shore, gazing across the water at an island called Serenity. This island represents a place of peace, happiness, and freedom from the despair of alcoholism and other problems. The challenge lies in crossing the expanse of water to get to the island. Two options present themselves. The first is a luxurious, inviting ocean liner labeled “Treatment” (therapy). It appears comfortable and promises an easy journey. The second option is a group of people on the beach who seem to be rowing a boat—but curiously, no boat or oars are visible. This invisible boat is called “Al-Anon” (or AA, or any other 12-step program). The ocean liner tempts people with its apparent comfort and convenience, and many choose to board it. However, halfway through the journey, the liner abruptly stops, turns around, and returns to shore: The captain announces that the cruise only goes so far and that the invisible boat is the only way to reach Serenity Island. Perplexed but determined, the listener approaches the invisible boat. The people on the beach encourage them to get in and start rowing, despite the apparent absence of a boat or oars. Hesitantly, the newcomer mimics rowing motions, and to their surprise, a boat and oars gradually come into view. As they row with the group, the journey becomes more fulfilling than reaching the destination. The invisible oars represent the 12 steps, which may initially seem intangible or ineffective, but reveal their power as one works through them. The boat symbolizes the support and fellowship found in 12-step meetings, which may feel foreign at first but become a source of comfort and strength.

This story highlights that while treatment and therapy can be beneficial, 12-step programs provide the most reliable path to healing for those facing addiction or its impact. The tale emphasizes the importance of actively engaging with the steps and the fellowship of others on the same journey, trusting that the process will lead to lasting transformation.

The author then addresses common objections to attending 12-step meetings, refuting each one. She validates that it can feel like having yet another obligation on top of dealing with a loved one’s addiction, but stresses the meetings are for one’s own healing, not the addict’s sake. Beattie acknowledges the awkwardness and emotion that can come up, sharing that she spent her first meetings only crying—but she saw that the meetings provided a safe outlet for release. She also suggests trying different meeting groups to find one that feels comfortable. Ultimately, Beattie sees 12-step programs as essential for anyone struggling with addiction or affected by a loved one’s addiction, providing vital support and healing for lasting recovery. She advises to keep going to meetings until feeling grateful to be there, until they bring happiness, until the “magic” of the 12-step process works.

Beattie explores various aspects of codependency and self-care. She divides the chapter into several sections, each focusing on a specific issue related to codependency.

Beattie first addresses the concept of “drama addiction,” in which codependents grow accustomed to living with constant crises and turmoil. She advises readers to recognize when they seek out “excited misery”—a term coined by Toby Rice Drews—and to find healthier ways to fill their lives with meaning and purpose.

Next, the author discusses expectations, emphasizing the importance of readers taking responsibility for their own expectations and ensuring they are realistic. She encourages open communication with others involved and suggests letting go of expectations that others are not meeting.

Beattie then delves into the fear of intimacy, explaining that for many codependents, the fear of emotional vulnerability and potential rejection can overpower the desire for closeness. She reassures readers that feeling afraid is okay but also encourages them to take risks and allow themselves to love and be loved.

The chapter also addresses financial responsibility, stressing that each person bears responsibility for their own finances. Beattie advises readers to familiarize themselves with their financial obligations and to ensure that they and those around them assume appropriate financial responsibility.

Forgiveness is another topic Beattie explores in the chapter. She cautions against repeatedly forgiving the same people for the same offenses and emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries. She also reminds readers to forgive themselves and to treat themselves with gentleness and love first.

Beattie introduces the concept of the “frog syndrome,” in which codependents feel attracted to troubled individuals, hoping to help them change. In other words, the codependents kiss frogs expecting them to turn into princes—a reference to “The Princess and the Frog” fairy tale—but instead, the codependents turn into frogs themselves. Beattie warns readers against this tendency and encourages them to focus on their own personal growth.

The author also discusses the importance of having fun and enjoying life. Beattie urges readers to schedule fun activities into their lives and to learn to relax and enjoy daily experiences.

Beattie emphasizes setting boundaries as a crucial aspect of self-care. She encourages readers to establish and enforce their own limits consistently.

The chapter also addresses physical care and seeking professional help when needed. Beattie stresses the importance of readers taking care of their health, appearance, and emotional well-being.

Beattie explores trust, advising readers to trust themselves in making decisions about whom and when to trust. She emphasizes the importance of observing whether people’s actions match their words.

Finally, the chapter discusses sexual problems that can arise in codependent relationships. Beattie reassures readers that these issues are normal and encourages them to be honest with themselves and their partners about their feelings and needs. She also suggests seeking professional help if needed and reminds readers that they bear responsibility for their own sexual enjoyment.

Beattie discusses the impact that trauma, anxiety, and PTSD can have on an individual’s life. Beattie shares a story about a Christmas gift exchange in 1990. During the exchange, her daughter's friend, Joey, gifted the family a snow globe containing a mother and her two children. The snow globe shattered on the floor, foreshadowing the devastating loss Beattie’s family experienced just a month later when her son, Shane, died in a skiing accident on his 12th birthday. Beattie uses this metaphor of the shattered snow globe to illustrate how trauma can suddenly and irreparably break a person’s world, leaving them to pick up the pieces and attempt to rebuild their lives in the aftermath of unimaginable grief.

Beattie emphasizes that even when the conscious mind attempts to deny or minimize the impact of trauma, the body still bears the burden. She notes the prevalence of various conditions, such as panic attacks, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can stem from anxiety and trauma.

Beattie shares the stories of several individuals who have faced the challenges of trauma, anxiety, and PTSD. Jeff is a man in his mid-40s who, despite having an idyllic childhood, experienced the loss of his parents and developed alcohol and prescription drug abuse disorder. Jeff’s journey to healing began when his brother, Frankie, stood up for Jeff at the treatment center and advocated for Jeff’s care. Izzy, a 52-year-old woman, shares her experience of breast cancer and managing her anxiety through lifestyle changes, such as adopting a plant-based diet, meditating daily, and practicing yoga. Leah, a 19-year-old college student, opens up about her extreme anxiety and the coping mechanisms she employs, including immersing herself in art projects and spending time in nature. These personal stories serve to illustrate the diverse ways in which individuals experience and cope with trauma and anxiety.

Beattie places a strong emphasis on the role of meditation in managing trauma, anxiety, and PTSD. The author shares her own experience with Transcendental Meditation, explaining that it has helped her PTSD and facilitated a sense of calm. She encourages readers to find a meditation technique that works for them.

Beattie offers practical tips and tools for managing anxiety and trauma. Some of these include getting comfortable with uncertainty, slowing down and not skipping steps, learning to pause before speaking or acting, setting clear boundaries, and making “destiny-friendly” decisions. Beattie also emphasizes the importance of grounding oneself in the body and in life, as trauma, panic, and anxiety can trigger fight-or-flight responses that disconnect individuals from their emotions and inner worlds. Other tips include engaging in self-care activities such as cleaning one’s living environment, ensuring one feels safe, being of service to others, and being flexible and willing to start over as needed.

In conclusion, Beattie reminds readers that trauma is not just about endings, but also about the beginning of transformation. She encourages individuals to allow themselves to be transformed and to take an active role in their healing process.

Beattie discusses the challenges codependents face in learning to live and love again in a healthy way. She emphasizes the importance of finding balance and fulfilling the deep human desires to love, be loved, feel worthwhile, and have others recognize one’s worth.

Love doesn’t have to be as painful as it was before recovery; people can learn to enjoy good relationships while setting boundaries in or leaving destructive ones. She encourages focusing on oneself rather than being absorbed in others. By believing in their own importance, individuals can pursue their goals and allow good things to happen.

Growth and change involve some discomfort, struggle, and pain. Finding balance is key—balance between responsibilities to self and others, between different needs, between letting go and doing one’s part. Much anguish stems from living with unresolved problems and unmet expectations.

To get started when feeling stuck, Beattie recommends honesty, openness, and willingness to try (the HOW acronym). She advises starting with awareness and acceptance, then taking assertive action to do things differently. She suggests choosing one behavior to change at a time.

Beattie shares her own story of hitting an emotional low point after a fire burned down her house and she lost her sense of security. Taking a proactive role in rebuilding the home and dealing with the practicalities of the situation got her moving forward again. Taking charge of construction decisions and physical work boosted her self-confidence and emotional balance.

Regarding relationships, Beattie counsels patience. Repairing love and trust takes time, and isn’t guaranteed. She reassures readers that being single is okay too; the priority is loving oneself and developing a full life. Relationships should enhance life, not be an escape from life. She advises loving from a place of strength and paying attention to the impact on oneself.

Stress can cause codependent patterns to resurface even after one has made some progress. This is normal and not shameful. Beattie emphasizes that the key is to keep practicing self-care and recovery behaviors and seek support. With commitment to the process, living and loving in a healthier way is possible.