Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Beattie discusses the importance and challenges of accepting reality, especially for codependents who often face numerous losses and changes in their lives due to their close relationships with people struggling with serious problems or compulsive disorders.

Beattie acknowledges that accepting reality is easier said than done. Sometimes, accepting circumstances comes naturally—especially on days that seem easy or fortunate. However, during times of significant challenges, such as job loss, relationship issues, or financial problems, accepting reality can be most difficult. Codependents, in particular, face constant upheaval and loss, including betrayal, injustice, and the shattering of dreams they hold for their loved ones and their futures together. The author emphasizes that one of the most painful losses codependents face is the loss of hopeful expectations, especially when it comes to romantic ideals and the promises made at the beginning of a relationship.

Beattie then discusses the challenges of accepting reality, especially when codependents are in overwhelming circumstances or in relationships with people who constantly lie to them. She stresses that accepting reality is necessary for change and finding peace again. Acceptance does not mean resignation or tolerating abuse, but rather acknowledging circumstances in order to respond appropriately and make necessary changes.

The author then introduces the five stages of grief identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Denial involves a state of shock, numbness, and refusal to acknowledge reality. Anger encompasses both reasonable and irrational anger, blaming oneself or others for the loss. Bargaining involves attempting to negotiate with oneself, others, or the universe, to prevent the loss. Depression is a period of sadness and mourning when the loss is acknowledged. Acceptance is a state of peace, adjustment, and recognition that the present circumstances are as they should be, allowing for moving forward. The grief process is not tidy or linear; individuals may move back and forth between stages. Beattie stresses the importance of allowing oneself to fully experience the emotions associated with each stage and to seek support from others during the process.

The chapter concludes with the author encouraging readers to make friends with the grief process, be gentle with themselves, and observe how they and others deal with loss. She also suggests practicing gratitude for present circumstances and using the Serenity Prayer as a tool for coping with loss and change.

Beattie discusses the importance of acknowledging and expressing one’s emotions, particularly for people struggling with codependency. Beattie lost touch with her own feelings after being in a dysfunctional relationship for eight years. Codependents often withdraw emotionally to protect themselves from being hurt, as they may have grown up in families that rejected emotional honesty. During her treatment for chemical dependency in 1973, counselors emphasized to Beattie the importance of dealing with feelings. Although this was initially challenging, the author learned to allow her emotions to surface and found that this approach was more harmonious and natural for her.

After leaving treatment, Beattie faced the challenges of reintegrating into society and unknowingly married a man with alcohol abuse disorder, leading to the accumulation of untreated codependency issues. She realized that ignoring her feelings had negative consequences, since the emotional part of herself was crucial for experiencing joy, closeness, and personal growth.

While emotions can be painful and tricky, repressing them can lead to physical and mental health problems, compulsive behaviors, and a loss of the ability to feel altogether. The solution is to allow and accept one’s emotions without judgment, as feelings are not actions and should not be censored or blocked.

Beattie advises readers to respond appropriately to their emotions by examining the thoughts behind them and deciding on actions that align with their moral code and self-care. Individuals are responsible for their own feelings and should not hold others accountable for changing them.

The author also highlights the importance of sharing feelings with others to create genuine closeness and intimacy and to gain perspective on one’s emotions. Intense emotions, whether positive or negative, can be distracting and emphasizes the need for balance and peace. Beattie concludes the chapter by encouraging readers to make self-awareness and mindfulness a habit, pay attention to self-talk, and seek professional help if needed.

Beattie examines the complex emotion of anger, particularly as it relates to codependency and addiction. Before her recovery from codependency, she rarely felt anger, but once she began the process, she wondered if the anger would ever subside.

Anger can consume families, becoming a constant undercurrent in their daily lives. Even in recovery, anger may linger and intensify as individuals finally feel safe enough to express it. This can lead to conflicts, as those recovering from addiction may wish to start anew without addressing past issues, while their codependent partners feel a need to confront the built-up resentment.

Beattie discusses the challenges of dealing with anger, noting that most people have not been taught healthy ways to manage this emotion. She lists several common myths about anger, such as the belief that nice people don’t get angry or that expressing anger leads to a loss of control. The author also highlights the fear that many codependents have surrounding their own anger and that of others, often stemming from past experiences of abuse or the intense energy that accompanies anger.

The various sources of anger include collective anger, grief, caretaking, and disastrous thinking patterns. Moreover, codependents often turn fear and hurt into anger to feel less vulnerable, and may use anger as a protective shield. Beattie also discusses the phenomenon of reactive anger, where individuals become increasingly angry in response to others’ anger.

Beattie stresses the importance of allowing oneself to feel anger, emphasizing that it is a normal emotion that needs to be acknowledged and addressed. She offers several suggestions for dealing with anger, such as examining the thoughts and patterns that accompany the feeling, making responsible decisions about any necessary actions, and not allowing anger to control one’s behavior. The author also encourages readers to discuss their anger openly and honestly when appropriate, take responsibility for their feelings, and seek support from trusted individuals or professionals.

The chapter concludes with Beattie emphasizing the need for patience and gentleness with oneself when learning to manage anger, acknowledging that progress is more important than perfection. She encourages readers to be cautious of those who claim never to feel angry and to focus on finding a healthy balance in expressing and addressing this emotion.

Beattie discusses the importance of trusting one’s own mind and ability to think clearly, particularly for those struggling with codependency. She recounts a conversation with a client who was grappling with a significant decision about her husband and children. The client expressed difficulty in making even the smallest choices—like which bottle of bleach to buy at the store—let alone major life decisions. Many codependents struggle with indecision and may allow others or circumstances to make choices for them.

Beattie encourages readers to trust their ability to think, reason, and make healthy decisions. Various factors, such as believing lies, denial, stress, and low self-esteem, can cloud one’s judgment; however, this does not mean an individual is incapable of thinking clearly.

Several behaviors can hinder decision-making, including impulsively overreacting, worrying about others’ opinions, striving for perfection, and self-criticism. However, not listening to one’s needs and wants can lead to poor choices. Some individuals may have lost faith in their ability to think due to negative experiences in childhood or current relationships. Parents or partners may have criticized their choices, made decisions for them, or even called them “crazy.” Despite these challenges, everyone has the capacity to think rationally, evaluate their thoughts and behaviors, and make decisions that enhance their self-esteem. Decisions don’t have to be perfect—it’s normal to vacillate when facing difficult situations.

Beattie offers several suggestions for gaining confidence in one’s ability to think and reason: Seek peace and calmness before making decisions. Ask a higher power for guidance and inspiration. Stop worrying and engaging in obsessive thoughts. Gather necessary information before making decisions. Feed the mind with healthy, uplifting thoughts and activities. Stretch the mind by learning new things and expressing opinions. Use the mind to make decisions and think things through.

The author encourages readers to trust their minds and become comfortable with their ability to think. She concludes the chapter with an activity prompting readers to reflect on their experiences with decision-making and to take daily actions to nourish their minds.

Beattie discusses the transformative power of setting intentions and goals. While people cannot control all events in their lives, they can plan, set goals, and take initiative. Beattie compares this approach to driving a car with a specific destination in mind, rather than aimlessly hoping to end up somewhere.

Beattie cites David Schwartz’s book The Magic of Thinking Big, which posits that harnessing desire is a powerful tool for success and that failing to follow one’s desires can lead to mediocrity. Moreover, setting goals provides direction, purpose, and can even alleviate boredom and chronic ailments. When a goal is deeply entrenched in the subconscious mind, it automatically guides a person towards their objective, allowing for clear and decisive thinking.

The chapter encourages readers to identify their goals across various aspects of life, including problem-solving, material possessions, personal changes, career aspirations, relationships, and personal growth. Beattie advises turning problems into goals, even if the solution is not immediately apparent. She also emphasizes the importance of aligning intentions with values and being aware of self-sabotaging in the form of perfectionism, negativity, or a desire to control.

Beattie provides several key ideas for effective goal-setting, such as increasing awareness of one’s wants, needs, and desires; omitting “shoulds”; not limiting oneself; writing down goals; and surrendering them to a higher power. She suggests setting intentions regularly, celebrating achieved goals, and maintaining a balance between achieving goals and identifying new ones. The author also addresses the value of patience and trust in the universe’s timing, acknowledging that some goals may take years to come to fruition.