Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Al-Anon is a worldwide fellowship that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of people with alcohol use disorder, based on the 12 steps and the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It provides support, strength, and hope for individuals affected by someone else’s drinking, helping them to focus on their own personal growth and well-being.

In the context of Codependent No More, an “alcoholic” is a person who has a dependence on alcohol and whose drinking habits cause significant problems in their life and the lives of those around them; the term has since been replaced by people-first language such as “person with alcohol abuse disorder.” These people are often the primary focus of their codependent loved ones’ attention and concern.

In codependency, attachment refers to the unhealthy emotional dependence on another person, often to the point of losing one’s own sense of self and well-being. Codependents may become excessively involved in and emotionally entangled with the problems and lives of others, leading to a loss of personal identity and autonomy.

Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits that define an individual’s personal space and sense of self. They help to protect one’s well-being, maintain a sense of autonomy, and ensure that relationships remain healthy and balanced. Codependents often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, allowing others to overstep or disregard their needs and desires.

In Codependent No More, caretaking is described as an excessive form of caring for others, often at the expense of one’s own needs and well-being. Codependents may feel responsible for solving other people’s problems, making decisions for them, and prioritizing their needs over their own. Caretaking is often driven by a need to feel needed, in control, or to avoid dealing with one’s own issues.

Beattie uses the term “chemically dependent” to describe individuals who have a substance abuse disorder, specifically those addicted to drugs or alcohol. In the 1970s, when Beattie began working in the field, this term was commonly used to refer to people struggling with addiction.

Beattie defines a codependent as someone who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. Codependency involves a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that focus on others, often to the detriment of one’s own well-being. Codependents may exhibit controlling behavior, low self-worth, difficulty with boundaries, and a tendency to engage in caretaking and rescuing.

Denial is a defense mechanism that involves refusing to acknowledge or accept reality, particularly when it is painful or uncomfortable. Codependents may use denial to avoid confronting their own issues, the problems in their relationships, or the consequences of their actions. Denial can prevent individuals from seeking help, making necessary changes, and finding a path to recovery.

Beattie defines detachment as the process of emotionally and mentally disengaging from the problems and responsibilities of others. It involves setting healthy boundaries, focusing on one’s own needs and well-being, and accepting that everyone is ultimately responsible for their own lives. Detachment is not a cold or uncaring act, but rather a way of taking responsibility for one’s own choices and actions.

In Codependent No More, enabling refers to any actions that help someone with substance abuse or behavioral problems continue their destructive patterns, shield them from consequences, or make it easier for them to maintain their problematic behavior. Enabling often stems from a codependent’s desire to protect or rescue their loved one, but ultimately perpetuates the cycle of dysfunction.

Coined by Toby Rice Drews, this term refers to the tendency of codependents to become addicted to the drama, crises, and emotional turmoil in their lives. They may unconsciously seek out or create problems to experience the familiar, albeit negative, emotional arousal associated with dysfunctional relationships.

Beattie uses this term to describe the codependent’s inclination to be attracted to troubled or dysfunctional individuals, hoping to change or rescue them. Just as in the fairy tale where a princess kisses a frog that turns into a prince, codependents may pursue relationships with “frogs,” expecting to transform them into healthy partners. This often leads to disappointment and heartache, as the codependent becomes consumed with trying to fix or save their partner while neglecting their own needs and well-being.

The Karpman Drama Triangle, developed by Stephen B. Karpman, is a model that describes the dysfunctional roles people often assume in codependent relationships: rescuer, persecutor, and victim. Individuals may shift between these roles over time, perpetuating a cycle of unhealthy interactions and power dynamics. Understanding this triangle can help codependents recognize and break free from destructive relationship patterns.

In the context of codependency, rescuing refers to the act of taking responsibility for another person’s thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviors, growth, well-being, problems, or destiny. A rescuer is someone who feels compelled to save or fix others, often at the expense of their own needs and well-being. Rescuing is often driven by a codependent’s need to feel needed, in control, or to avoid their own issues.

The 12 Steps, originally developed by Alcoholics Anonymous, are a set of guiding principles outlining a course of action for recovery from addiction, compulsion, or other behavioral problems. The steps involve admitting powerlessness over the problem, seeking help from a higher power, making amends for past wrongs, and helping others in their recovery. In Codependent No More, Beattie discusses how the 12 Steps can be adapted and applied to the recovery process for codependents.