Breathing Underwater

Nick uses his journal to document the events that led to Caitlin filing a restraining order against him. Nick already has practice imagining various fantasy worlds to cope with his bleak reality, so the journal represents a choice: Will he choose to write more fantasy, or will he finally face the truth? While at first he writes reluctantly, he gradually starts to turn to his journal in moments of stress and fear. Instead of reaching for happy thoughts of Caitlin, he reaches for his journal to force himself to remember the heartbreaking moments. In the end he realizes the journal is instrumental in helping him analyze his past: “I blame the journal. It’s become my torment and my salvation, the cable that binds me to the past by being my sole reality. And somehow, when I see it on paper, it becomes more real than when it’s just in my head” (Loc 2081). In order to grow, he cannot allow himself to forget or misremember his pain.

In addition to aiding his emotional growth, the journal also documents the progress of Nick as an author and a writer. He begins writing in it with an understanding that the judge and/or Mario could read anything he writes, so his sardonic