Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

“Even in the context of suffering—poverty, violence, human rights violations—not belonging in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts. That’s because it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth.”

What Brown identifies in this quote is the high price of braving the wilderness—the aversive fear of not belonging is deeply affective. While fitting in is not an ideal state, many individuals choose it over the heartbreak of not belonging. Our people, families, and tribes are critical to our individual and collective identities. As a result, true belonging must acknowledge the risks one takes when finding the courage to stand alone.

“Never underestimate the power of being seen—it’s exhausting to keep working against yourself when someone truly sees and loves you.”

When we are seen, known, and understood, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain a narrative of alienation or self-alienation. To be seen and loved is to know that one belongs, and to have this kind of intimate knowledge of love and acceptance helps individuals take the required risks when practicing true belonging.

“I asked him if he really understood that strange dichotomy of being alone but still belonging—of true belonging. He said, ‘Yes. I feel like that all the time too. It’s the paradox of feeling alone but also strong.’” 

Brown’s anecdote reveals how true belonging shows up in our lives. When we look to our own lived experiences, it is possible to recognize where and when we have braved the wild. In the case of Brown and her husband, they first noticed their practice in the context of their professional work. In part, Braving the Wilderness shows readers how to recognize when to explicitly enact what they already instinctually practice in their lives.

“So as I dug deeper into true belonging, it became clear that it’s not something we achieve or accomplish with others; it’s something we carry in our heart. Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours. Belonging to ourselves means being called to stand alone—to brave the wilderness of uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism.”

The practice of true belonging is challenging in part because societies do not pressure people into belonging to themselves—pressure comes from the need to belong or fit in. Therefore, people must make the decision to practice for themselves. Even when they defend the beliefs they carry in their hearts, there is no guarantee that others will recognize their truth. Yet, conversely, it is something they can do independently, and they are not dependent on others to begin acting for themselves. This choice is a privilege, and it is unique in that it is a privilege available to all.

“The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.”

Brown takes the definition of wilderness, a vast wild that cannot be measured or tamed, and uses it as her metaphor for true belonging. When we set off into the wilderness, there is no guarantee of safety, but in forging through the unknown with faith in our hearts, what we acquire is a deep and abiding connection to our life force. From that point forward, in the wilderness and in between forays into the wild, we also discover an enduring and indissoluble connection with the life force of everyone who has taken their own leap of faith.

“You don’t wander into the wilderness unprepared. Standing alone in a hypercritical environment or standing together in the midst of difference requires one tool above all others: trust. To brave the wilderness and become the wilderness we must learn how to trust ourselves and trust others.”

When stepping out into the wilderness, there is wisdom in taking the time to prepare for the journey. In the case of true belonging, having explicit trust-building strategies is a baseline requirement. When taking risks and exploring the unknown, individuals who utilize the BRAVING steps are better equipped to ensure their own safety and the safety of others.

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

The practice of true belonging requires that individuals possess some awareness of what their “authentic self” looks like. When they feel comfortable and confident enough to share themselves with others regardless of social acceptability, they experience a transformed awareness as their inner space shifts. Attention moves away from how others perceive the self to how the self relates to a greater whole. Sharing one’s authentic self is realizing that one shares communion with a greater humanity even when one stands alone.

“Right now we are neither recognizing nor celebrating our inextricable connection. We are divided from others in almost every area of our lives. We’re not showing up with one another in a way that acknowledges our connection.”

The cultural polarization that is endemic in contemporary American society has been preventing individuals from connecting and communing with other people. Self-sorting into groups gives us a sense of belonging, but it can also keep us apart. When there is fear or a general mistrust that we will not be heard without being attacked or judged for our thoughts, we may show up for each other, but not in ways that build connections with and within communities.

“To combat loneliness, we must first learn how to identify it and to have the courage to see that experience as a warning sign. Our response to that warning sign should be to find connection.”

Brown’s advice focuses on the twin issues of separation and “fitting in” culture. Not all individuals who experience loneliness are physically separated from others; however, when people experience either physical or emotional loneliness, their first strategy should be an attempt to find communion and connection with others, which happens to also be the first element of true belonging practice.

“High lonesome can be a beautiful and powerful place if we can own our pain and share it instead of inflicting pain on others. And if we can find a way to feel hurt rather than spread hurt, we can change.”

Pain in and of itself is not a thing to fear or avoid. When we can face our pain and, even more importantly, transform it, we can find meaning and peace. One strategy for transformation is the practice of true belonging—when we become vulnerable and share our pain with others, our personal experience transforms into a human experience that connects us to our greater, collective humanity.

“[T]he women and men I interviewed who had the strongest sense of true belonging stayed zoomed in. They didn’t ignore what was happening in the world, nor did they stop advocating for their beliefs. They did, however, commit to assessing their lives and forming their opinions of people based on their actual, in-person experiences.”

True belonging is a practice of awareness—awareness of others and awareness of oneself. This awareness sensitizes practitioners to other peoples’ lived-in truths and the multiplicity of experiences that are possible. Actual relationships with real people teach us how people can be both different from and no different from us at the same time. In this way, real, authentic relationships have the power to counter stereotypical narratives.

“Participants who put true belonging into practice talked openly about their boundaries. In fact, this research confirmed what I found in my earlier work: The clearer and more respected the boundaries, the higher the level of empathy and compassion for others. Fewer clear boundaries, less openness.”

Individuals who establish and maintain personal boundaries create safe operating environments for themselves. Their commitment to protecting their emotional space provides them with greater freedom and safety to experience deeper levels of empathy, compassion, and connection to others. These characteristics, in turn, invite other people to join that space, share their experiences, and form connections in a healthy, respectful way.

“When the culture of any organization mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of the individuals who serve that system or who are served by that system, you can be certain that the shame is systemic, the money is driving ethics, and the accountability is all but dead.”

Organizational culture is formed by leaders and employees; thus, institutional values reflect the beliefs of individuals and communities. Just as individuals can choose between true belonging and fitting in, culture shapes the decision to either uphold individual dignity (even at the expense of the institution) or maintain the status quo (at the expense of individuals). When organizations choose the latter, they can maintain control and power, but at great cost to the individual and collective human spirit of their workers and those workers’ belief and faith in institutions.

“The only true option is to refuse to accept the terms of the [either/or] argument by challenging the framing of the debate. But make no mistake; this is opting for the wilderness. Why? Because the argument is set up to silence dissent and draw lines in the sand that squelch debate, discussion, and questions—the very processes that we know lead to effective problem solving.”

When practicing true belonging, recognizing bullshit arguments is critical due to the danger of zero-sum arguments. If the answer is reducible to yes or no, there is no need to discuss, debate, or expand one’s understanding of any given topic. Asking a single question and receiving a single answer circumvents critical thinking/analysis processes, undermines consensus building, and represents a refusal to recognize that life is complex.

“[First], generosity, empathy, and curiosity (e.g., Where did you read this or hear this?) can go a long way in our efforts to question what we’re hearing and introduce fact. The second practice is civility.”

A generous stance recognizes that we do not know all the facts, either objectively or from the perspective of other people’s lived experiences. Taking a generous approach allows us to recognize differences with compassion and allows others the opportunity to clarify their positions. In turn, when we are asked to clarify our positions, it is important to meet this generosity with our own best intentions. Although a conversation may not always end in consensus, the attempt to understand and treat each other with grace allows for the opportunity to connect and commune with others.

“If leaders really want people to show up, speak out, take chances, and innovate, we have to create cultures where people feel safe—where their belonging is not threatened by speaking out and they are supported when they make the decision to brave the wilderness, stand alone, and speak truth to bullshit.”

In organizations, leaders must balance between moving a mission forward and making sure all voices have an opportunity to express their opinions. The same holds true in relationships. To ensure this happens, work environments must take actions that uphold the safety and respect of its workers. When differences of opinion are respected, workers will respond in kind and trust that their individuality, opinions, and contributions are valued.

“We’re in a spiritual crisis, and the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection. That connection—the spirit that flows between us and every other human in the world—is not something that can be broken; however, our belief in the connection is constantly tested and repeatedly severed.”

Individuals, and more importantly leaders, must remind themselves that we are inextricably connected. When we see each other as parts of a greater whole, finding solutions is no longer a competition of winners and losers, but a generative act that recognizes our work is a reflection of the common humanity that connects us to everyone in our community. These connections exist whether we recognize them or not; when they are “broken,” it is merely our belief in them that has broken. Healing our spiritual crisis is the work of rebuilding our belief and acting in ways that honor our collective belief.

“Women and men with the strongest true belonging practices maintain their belief in inextricable connection by engaging in moments of joy and pain with strangers.” 

Communing in moments of joy and pain with strangers is a first-level true belonging practice. Individuals with strong true belonging practices are aware of its benefits; therefore, they actively seek these moments out to experience greater belonging and connection in their lives. 

“But the more we’re willing to seek out moments of collective joy and show up for experiences of collective pain—for real, in person, not online—the more difficult it becomes to deny our human connection, even with people we may disagree with. Not only do moments of collective emotion remind us of what is possible between people, but they also remind us of what is true about the human spirit.”

Successful engagement in first-level practice inevitably leads individuals to explore deeper levels of practice. When individuals commune with strangers and find themselves connecting in deeper ways, they are building a felt sense of what true belonging means. Moreover, contrary to polarizing beliefs, they discover it is possible to connect with others even while disagreeing with them.

“One collective assembly can start to heal the wounds of a traumatized community, while another can initiate trauma in that same community. When we come together to share authentic joy, hope, and pain, we melt the pervasive cynicism that often cloaks our better human nature. When we come together under the false flag of common enemy intimacy, we amplify cynicism and diminish our collective worth.”

Here, Brown explicitly points out the differences between true belonging and the more superficial sense of belonging that comes from uniting against a common enemy. When individuals engage in dehumanizing words and actions, they diminish their collective sense of shared humanity. Although in-groups do provide a sense of belonging, at best, honest (dissenting) communion is discouraged, and at worst, they actively seek to sever connections with out-groups.

“And as much as we value ‘going it alone’ and as much as we sometimes gather together for the wrong reasons, in our hearts we want to believe that despite our differences and despite the need to brave the wilderness, we don’t always have to walk alone.”

American culture values and validates individual choice and achievement; at the same time, no one accomplishes anything in a vacuum. Humanity depends on social reciprocity to achieve individual and societal goals. Although the practice of true belonging asks individuals to, at times, stand alone, the practice also advocates reaching across differences to build community and connection with others.

“But put one foot in front of the other enough times, stay the course long enough to actually tunnel into the wilderness, and you’ll be shocked how many people already live out there—thriving, dancing, creating, celebrating, belonging. […] The wilderness is where all the creatives and prophets and system-buckers and risk-takers have always lived, and it is stunningly vibrant. The walk out there is hard, but the authenticity out there is life.”

Although the first steps into the wilderness are initiated by individual choice, practitioners are not alone—there exists (and has always existed) a community of like-minded people. In the immediate sense, practitioners will find they are not only connected to something larger than themselves but also members of a practicing community that stands with a strong back, open front, and wild heart.

“Violence and oppression have made our soft front a liability, and we struggle to find a place emotionally and physically safe enough to be vulnerable. […] When the barrier is our belief about vulnerability, the question becomes: Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome? When the barrier to vulnerability is about safety, the question becomes: Are we willing to create courageous spaces so we can be fully seen?”

The only guarantee of true belonging practice is the freedom that comes from belonging to oneself. If individuals have a desire to practice true belonging in their lives and communities, it is imperative that they consciously and mindfully create spaces that value vulnerability and ensure the safety of participants. When space is created and people show up, individuals must honor the space and commit to protecting participants.